A Place Deep Inside

Hutch is feeling old and Starsky reminds him of the joys of their lives.

(Dedicated in loving memory to the gifted man who embodied Hutch for all of fandom)

“Hutch?”

Starsky was searching for him, calling for him softly in the dark, but he didn’t want to be found with tears on his face. Not again. He wiped his face with a sleeve already damp, but the tears didn’t stop, and he couldn’t explain them. He lay quietly on a blanket hidden in the dunes, while waves lapped the shore and stars blazed overhead.

“Where are ya, babe? Please?”

Starsky was closer now, drawn unerringly to him by the ache in his heart, but Hutch wasn’t ready. Maybe in a minute. Maybe.…

Starsky found him, saying nothing more. He sat down next to Hutch on the blanket and watched the waves, keeping quiet company.

And still the tears came.

After a time, Starsky said quietly, “I didn’t understand, then. Only that being here mattered to you, so I followed your lead. I still do.”

Hutch knew his lover was remembering the first time they came here. He’d been deeply troubled and alone and had thrown his badge into the ocean. Starsky had silently done the same and somehow, he’d felt less alone than he had only moments before.

Hold on my heart
Just hold on to that feeling
We both know we’ve been here before
We both know what can happen

They’d come here from time to time in the years since, as Hutch grappled with some problem or emotion he wasn’t able to share, but with Starsky at his side, he never dealt with it alone. He didn’t now, reaching a hand to Starsky’s back, unable to speak, but feeling a need to touch.

“Oh, babe,” Starsky turned and leaned over him, kissed his wet cheek. “What can I do? How can I help?”

Hold on my heart
Throw me a lifeline
I’ll keep a place for you
Somewhere deep inside

Hutch found his voice, whispering, “You are helping. You’re here, with me.” He sighed and wiped his face with his sleeve again. “I feel like an idiot, blubbering about something I can’t control.”

“You aren’t an idiot and you’re not blubbering.” Starsky kissed his cheek again. “Can you talk about it?”

“I-I.…” He stopped, unable to say. He sat up and leaned close to watch the waves with Starsky. They were alone on the dunes, but in the distance, lights came on in a beach house and someone turned a radio on. Music wafted across the sand. Songs from their youth, from their time on the streets. Starsky absently hummed along.

‘Don’t, please don’t. I—” Hutch sighed heavily.

“Hutch?”

“Did you ever get hit by some deja vu moment and find yourself surprised by a past you didn’t realize was…past?” The song Starsky had hummed ended and another started, something soft and sad.

Hutch didn’t remember the words, but the music stirred emotions he was trying to bury.

“Maybe it’ll help to say it, babe. I’ll listen.”

Hutch snorted softly. “It’s me, Starsk. I’m suddenly feeling…old… Hell, I am old and I don’t know when that happened. I think of myself as 30…35…maybe 40 on a tough day. Then I see an obituary describing some old guy’s life, the things he did, the family and friends he left behind, and I realize he was younger than me. A musician dies, and another and…and they all played music I still listen to, like they never stopped.”

Another song started in the distance, one he remembered dancing to a long time ago. “Songs like that. I don’t like today’s music much.” Hutch sighed again. “God, when did I get old?”

“Hutch…”

“Don’tcha get it, Starsk? We’re outliving people we were close to. The kids we knew have kids of their own. Hell, some of them are grandparents now!”

There was fear in his voice and Starsky knew Hutch didn’t hear it. “What are you afraid of, Hutch?”

He was silent a long time. Then— “Losing you. I don’t want us to end. I don’t think about it at all, then something happens, and it hits me all over again. Like when Dobey died last month. The few retired cops left, the grandkids who didn’t know us…my own path is winding down.…” His words died unspoken.

Hold on my heart
Throw me a lifeline

“I was so scared the first time we came here.” Starsky gently pushed Hutch flat on the blanket.

“Scared? Why?”

“I was realizing I had feelings for you. Feelings I was never going to be able to share. Then I got shot and.…”

Hutch looked up at Starsky, touched his mouth. “…And almost died. But you came back to me. For me.”

“And when things were better, we came back here.” Starsky kissed him. “It was here, babe. The first time we made love. Here in the dunes, remember?”

He remembered like it was yesterday. Remembered rolling on top of Starsky here in the dunes and urging Starsky to follow his lead. They loved and life stretched out before them.

“Your turn now. Follow my lead.” Starsky took his hand and guided it down to help him lower the shorts they wore, enough to free their cocks. As he caressed them, Hutch gasped and Starsky smiled.

“Like the first time, Starsk, but you on top.”

The moon was rising as Starsky pushed him into the sand, his gray curls shimmering in the low light. Starsky moved slowly, deliberately against him, and Hutch moaned, growing harder with Starsky’s touches and whispered encouragement.

“Wait for me, babe. I’ll tell you when. I want to make this last.”

Starsky’s mouth came down on his, and he closed his eyes, feeling young and alive as his lover took him higher than their first time, higher than the last time they did this. “God…please…”

“Now, lover. Come for me. Come with me…”

And he followed Starsky’s lead.

I will be there
Whenever you want me to

Chapter End Notes:

Song Lyrics: Hold on My Heart
By Anthony Banks, Phil Collins, and Michael Rutherford