Davey in Arizona

Self reflection is a bitch…

Originally published in the Dangerous Lives, Dangerous Visions 5 zine.

I took another swallow of whiskey and grimaced as it burned its way down my throat. I’ve gotta make it last because I don’t want to go out again tonight. What the hell am I doing in a cheap motel in Arizona? I know the answer to that. I’m running away again. I’m getting really good at it.

My marriage is over. Nothing different from all the times before. Everybody wanting a piece of me, and the lucky few that think they’ve grabbed the brass ring soon learn that it’s more like a nightmare come true. They push me and I push them and pretty soon everything good gets tainted and tarnished. Why can’t I just give it up? Forget them all and just say to hell with it?

But I know why. I’ll be alone and that’s a fate worse than having to pretend everything’s okay. And at least when I’m with someone, I can forget about him for a while. That’s a joke, isn’t it? Because it’s not like I ever forget him. He’s always there, in the back of my mind, and if I push away the memory even for a short time, I’m hit full force with the pain once I allow myself to remember again.

Damn it, I’m out of cigarettes. I throw the empty pack on the floor and grab the bottle again. The desk clerk probably thought I was a bum or something, but I had money so she didn’t ask questions. Not so long ago I would have gotten, “Hey, aren’t you—” but now all I get is, “Third room on the left and check out’s at noon.”

He’d probably shake his head and get that worried look in his eyes, but right now he doesn’t have time for even that. How can I ask for even a little bit of his time when he’s dealing with everything else?

I’m not that important in the grand scheme of things.

The ultimate irony, huh? I’m the one that’s been trying to kill myself and it’s Paulie that’s paying the price. I destroy people; everyone I touch. Even when they escape me, my poison stays with them and slowly robs them of any happiness they could’ve had. I poison myself, too. I deserve it, after all.

~end~