Decision

972

A (very) early in her career Kira story from Elizabeth Lowry.

 

Published in SHareCon 2008 zine.

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“I don’t like this.” Hutch looked around at the eclectic décor of the restaurant. “I don’t think we should have come.”

“What have you got to lose?” Starsky asked.

“Last time, I almost lost you. Or has two months erased your memory completely?”

Starsky shifted uncomfortably and took a sip of his beer. “Well, I don’t think it’ll hurt any just to talk to her. She made it sound pretty important, and besides, I don’t think she’d be stupid enough to try anything on us.”

“Yeah, well, I guess a united front ought to keep her at bay. Look,” Hutch gestured toward the front of the room, “she just came in.”

Hutch watched Starsky as his partner turned to look at the woman who had just entered the restaurant. Hutch could tell that even though Starsky’s wounds were still raw, he still found her very beautiful and desirable. Even Hutch felt a slight twinge when he looked at her. It irritated him that his hormones could still feel one way about her and his mind another. Hutch caught her eye and she walked over to the table.

“Kira,” Hutch greeted her. Neither Starsky nor he bothered to stand up.

“I was afraid you wouldn’t show up,” Kira began. “But you have no idea how glad I am you did.”

“Why don’t you just tell us what this is all about so we don’t have to drag this out any longer than necessary,” Hutch said testily.

Kira looked around for a waitress. “Wouldn’t you like to eat first?” she asked.

Starsky finally spoke. “We already ate. Let’s just get this over with.”

Kira took a seat. “Okay, I guess that’s probably best anyway. And since I haven’t been able to come up with any cute or clever way of saying this, I’ll just say it right out.”

Uh oh, here it comes, thought Hutch. The last, great apology to end all apologies. Get ready for the tears.

Kira took a deep breath. “We have a problem, the three of us. I’m pregnant.”

Hutch recovered first. “Really?” It came out rather sarcastically.

“Yes, really. Do you think I’d lie about a thing like that?” Kira snapped back. Hutch didn’t answer.

“So you’re sure then?” Starsky finally spoke. “You’ve been to a doctor and everything?”

“The whole routine,” Kira answered. “No doubt about it.”

“And I guess the assumption is that one of us is the father.” Hutch stared at her.

“You’ve got it.”

“And you’re sure it is one of us and not somebody else?” he added.

“You really can’t come to terms with me, can you, Ken?” Kira met his eyes. “As far as you’re concerned I’m no better than a common tramp, isn’t that right?”

“Don’t,” Starsky broke in softly. “Don’t start, not now. This is too important.”

“Okay, okay,” Hutch leaned back in his chair. “Continue, lady. Do I, or do I not recall you telling me you had taken proper precautions?”

Kira shrugged. “Things happen,” she merely said. She turned to look at Starsky. “I’m about two months along. I found out about two weeks ago.”

“You’ve known for a couple of weeks?” Hutch interrupted. “Just how long were you planning to keep this little secret all to yourself?”

Kira ignored Hutch and continued to talk to Starsky. “It took me a long time to decide whether to tell you or not. But I think the father should at least know.”

“But, you don’t know which one of us…?” Starsky let the question trail off.

“The doctor and I figured out the date of conception, and—“

“And I suppose that just happens to be one of those days you balled us both,” Hutch finished.

“Cut it!” Starsky yelled. Several people turned to look at him, but he ignored them. “Look, if you don’t want to be adult about this, then just go out and sit in the car. At least Kira is giving us some say in this matter.”

Hutch had bristled at the word “adult,” but merely folded his arms across his chest defiantly and remained silent.

“I’m sorry,” Starsky looked back at Kira. “I’ve got to ask, you’re sure it’s either Hutch or me?”

Kira nodded. “Yes.”

“And there’s no way to tell right now who…?”

“Not for a while, at least.”

Starsky sat back in his chair and looked at Hutch. Hutch met his eyes briefly, then looked at Kira. “Well, you called us here. The ball’s in your corner, so to speak.”

Kira ignored his last remark. “I would like to be civil about this.” She glanced at Hutch, who answered with a look of disbelief. “I think we should try to come to some kind of decision together. Somehow.”

“What about your career?” Hutch ventured.

“What about the baby?” Kira replied.

“What about the mother?” Hutch asked back.

“What about the father?” Kira answered.

Hutch looked at Starsky, and conceded the point.

“I think having us meet in a public place was a very clever thing to do, don’t you, Starsk?” Hutch unlocked his apartment door and ushered Starsky in. “That way, a very intense, emotional scene was avoided.”

“Cut the crap,” Starsky slipped out of this jacket and threw it on the couch. “All you’ve been doing since lunch is making a lot of snide remarks about Kira, and I’m tired of them.”

“Is this the old Starsky gallantry showing, or do I detect a slight hint of feeling left for the lady?” Hutch went to the refrigerator, retrieved two beers, and threw one rather viciously at Starsky. Starsky barely caught it before it struck his midsection.

“Look, if you don’t want to be civil about this, then I’ll just leave. But I’ll remind you that you were the one who wanted to wait until this evening when we could have some privacy to discuss this thing.”

Hutch took his beer and sat down at the kitchen table. “Okay, I’m sorry. I guess I’m just dealing with this in the only way I can think of at the moment.”

Starsky took a seat on the couch. “Yeah, it blew me away, too. But I think if we just sit down and discuss it we can work things out.”

“I’m sitting down,” Hutch replied. “Discuss.”

“Discuss.” Starsky rubbed the cold beer can across his forehead. “I don’t know how to discuss this, Hutch. I don’t know how to begin.”

“Then I will. I think our main concern here is Kira. I think it’s her life, and I think we ought to let her decide what to do with it. After all, she’s the one who has to carry the child, and she’s the one who will probably have to take care of it.”

“But she said she wanted us to help her make the decision because the baby is also our.”

“’Ours’? It’s only one of ‘ours,’ if we can believe that.”

“I thought I asked you to cut the remarks.”

“Oh, come off it, Starsk. If she could string two guys along, then she could string three or four or five. Maybe we just happen to be the two easiest guys to put the touch on at the moment. Or maybe she’s just playing her game with us again.”

Starsky stood up and started toward Hutch, then turned back and stopped. “You’re really asking for it, aren’t you?” He was barely controlling his anger. “We have a real problem here, and all you’re doing is cutting Kira down and making things worse. You know what I feel like doing right now. Punching you out.”

“Crush your beer can instead.” Hutch got up and went to the refrigerator for another beer. “And then sit down and think things out a minute. I am just trying to be realistic about the situation. There’s no proof that one of us is the father.”

Starsky looked down at his beer and rolled the can between his palms. “But what if one of us is the father?” he finally managed to say.

Hutch continued to stand by the refrigerator, and took a deep breath. “Okay, what if one of us is? And I suppose we have to assume the worst here.”

“Why does it have to be ‘the worst’?” Starsky sat back down on the couch. “Having a baby isn’t a bad thing.”

Hutch contemplated the dust on top of the refrigerator. “Are you saying you want this baby?”

“I don’t know,” Starsky shrugged his shoulders and continued to stare at his beer can. “I’ve always wanted a kid.”

“Oh, Starsky,” Hutch went over and sat down on the arm of the couch. “Is that what you’ve been thinking all afternoon?” That you would like Kira to go ahead and have the baby?”

“I don’t know,” Starsky repeated helplessly.

“Starsky, you have to consider Kira’s life. She’s got a career. Do we know if she’s willing to share that career with a child, if she’s willing to make the sacrifices?”

Starsky got up off the couch and began to pace. “But it’s not just her baby, it’s someone else’s, too.”

“All right, I will grant you that there are two parents involved here, and you may be one of them. But have you really thought this out? Do you have a plan? You aren’t thinking of marriage, are you?”

“Don’t be stupid.” Starsky went over and pulled another beer from the refrigerator.

“I’m not being stupid, Starsk. I’m trying to find out what’s going on in that head of yours. And I have a feeling marriage has not exactly been absent from your thoughts.”

“Okay, so I thought about it!” Starsky yelled. “Is that a crime?”

“It is if it means ruining the rest of your life!” Hutch yelled back. “Starsky, be rational!”

“I am rational! I am trying to think of a way to see to it that the baby grows up in some kind of decent manner!”

“Well, I don’t think marriage is the ‘decent’ answer here.” Hutch ran his fingers through his hair.

“There are other ways,” Starsky said. Hutch looked up at him.

“Like what?”

“Like, not getting married, but supporting the baby and visiting him.”

“You mean, like you were divorced and had visiting rights.”

“Sure. Or adopting the baby after he’s born.”

“Starsky!” Hutch stood up. “You can’t adopt it! You are a cop! Are you going to give that up to become a full-time father?”

“What if I were a widower with a kid? Is that any different? Besides, I wouldn’t have to raise him.” Starsky slammed his beer can down on the counter. “I could just give him my name and make sure he knows who his father is.”

“And what if Kira doesn’t want that?” Hutch moved closer to Starsky. “What if she has the baby and then doesn’t want you coming around? Or what if she wants to put the kid up for adoption?”

“Then I can always sue her,” Starsky answered simply. “I have rights, too, you know. It’s as much my child as hers.”

“And what if it’s mine?” Hutch countered. “What are my rights?”

Starsky didn’t answer.

“You talk like it’s automatically your baby,” Hutch continued. “It could just be my baby.”

“Yeah. It could be, couldn’t it?” the anger was coming back to Starsky.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Hutch warned. “Don’t you dare look at me with that betrayed look in your eyes. It may take two, Starsky, but it does take two. And if she had really loved you, if she had really cared about you and your feelings, then she wouldn’t have messed around with me.”

“Next you’ll be telling me she seduced you.” There was venom in Starsky’s voice.

“No, Starsky, she didn’t seduce me. But I didn’t rape her, either. And I’m sorry it happened. I’ve never regretted anything as much as that, and if there were any way I could change what happened, I’d do it. But it happened, Starsky, and you’re just going to have to learn to live with that!”

Starsky turned around and rested two clenched fists on the counter top.

“Starsky, please,” Hutch begged. “Give yourself a chance to consider all the options and possibilities. Or you’re going to end up making a rash decision and possibly hurting yourself worse than you’re hurting now.”

“What do you want?” Starsky spoke softly. “I want to know what you want.”

“I’ll tell you what I think.” Hutch moved back to the table and took a seat. “I think the best thing for all of us would be for Kira to get an abortion. That way Kira doesn’t have to give up any of her career, and we aren’t saddled with any unexpected—unwanted—responsibilities, and we can all forget the whole thing ever happened.”

“But we don’t know what Kira wants, do we?” Starsky asked. “What if she doesn’t want an abortion?”

“Then, it’s her body, and I’ll just have to go along with whatever she decided. If she wants to have the child and then put it up for adoption, okay, and if she wants to have it and keep it, and it’s mine, I’ll take responsibility for it.”

“How about if I make it easy for you.” Starsky was still facing the counter. “How about if we just leave you out of it, and then no matter what happens, you don’t have to worry about it. If Kira wants to have an abortion, really wants to, then all right. But if she wants to have the baby, then he becomes my responsibility no matter whose it is.”

“Starsky, for heaven’s sake—“

“Hutch, I don’t care anymore whether it’s yours or mine, don’t you see?” I just want to make sure the baby grows up loved.”

Hutch shook his head. “What is this pro-life stance with you all of a sudden? You know, there’s a lady you knew a few years ago to be very surprised to hear you talk like this.”

Starsky whirled. “Damn it, Hutch—“

“All right, all right.” Hutch buried his face in his hands. “How does she always manage to do this to us?” He turned to Starsky. “I think we should stop right here and take a breather from each other for a while, and really think things through. We’ve got the weekend off, so why don’t we just agree not to discuss this anymore until Monday.”

Starsky didn’t answer, but walked over to the couch and picked up his jacket.

“Be careful driving home, huh?” Hutch said to him.

Starsky continued to ignore him and left the apartment.

* * *

It was a week later, the same restaurant, the same table. Hutch couldn’t remember exactly, but he thought he might even be wearing the same clothes. He picked up his wine glass and took a sip.

“I thought you might not call me back,” Kira was saying. “I was afraid you thought I might be pulling something again.”

Hutch looked at her in surprise. It was the closest she’d ever come to admitting she’d done anything remotely unfortunate to them before.

“Before you say anything, though, I think there’s something else I need to tell you,” Kira continued. She kept her eyes lowered. “I had an abortion a couple of days ago.”

Starsky and Hutch were stunned. “I thought this was supposed to be a joint decision,” Hutch finally said.

Kira just traced a finger around the rim of her glass.

“I hope you at least went to a reputable doctor?” Hutch’s voice was hard, and Kira merely nodded in response.

“Well, then, I guess there’s no reason for any of us to stick around here any longer, is there?” He was still directing his remarks to Kira.

“No, I guess not,” she answered. “I guess I’d better be going.” She picked up her purse and stood up. “I don’t suppose you’re going to tell me whether you’re disappointed or not?”

“We’ll pick up part of the tab,” Starsky finally looked at her. “But this is the last time.”

“I understand,” Kira replied. “It’s been a real pleasure, gentleman,” she said flatly, and then she turned and walked to the door.

“I’m sorry, Starsk,” Hutch said as she left the restaurant.

“I guess we should have expected she’d do things her own way, regardless of us.”

“There was really no way for any of us to come out of this ‘happy’,” Hutch cupped his wine glass in his hands. “I really wish this whole thing had never happened.”

“Yeah,” Starsky answered sadly.

There was a moment of silence between them.

“You all right?” Hutch asked.

“I’m okay,” Starsky answered.

“Are we all right?”

Starsky looked up at Hutch. “We’re okay,” he smiled. “We’ll be okay.”

“I think so, too,” Hutch smiled. “I think so, too.”