Desperado

After Marianne, Starsky confronts Hutch about his behaviour.

Episode related: Ballad for a Blue Lady

This is as close as I can come to what I wanted to do. The title is from the Eagles song Desperado and I have taken the liberty of pre-dating its release.

“You Will Sit, AND, You Will Shut Up.”

The words were fired at him, hard, cold and commanding. The eyes glaring at him burned with a combination of frustration, determination and a strange love/hate/fear. He almost didn’t care anymore, and figured he was a hair shy of complete meltdown. Marianne was the last straw.

He had expected Starsky, but not that he would be waiting for him straight from work, his compact form almost lethally strung tight and taut with a mysterious something that eluded Hutch.

Hutch stormed by him and defiantly seated himself, arms crossed tight across his chest and his lips locked in childish response to the commands issued at him. It was the first honest emotion he had experienced in some time.

Starsky paced for several minutes, trying to take command of the turmoil, fear and frustration that was driving him. Hutch had been even more of a puzzle lately, but, more than that, Starsky felt Hutch was on the brink of fleeing to escape what his overly vivid imagination, and sense of insecurity, told him he couldn’t overcome. And that Starsky couldn’t allow, wouldn’t allow.

He stopped pacing and stared at Hutch for several long minutes, trying to see within, find the answer that would help him bring his friend back. The friend he needed in more ways than he felt he could convey. But, more importantly, he knew that he was going to have to bring out of hiding the most important secret he had ever kept.

“Sometimes I just don’t know what to do with you, you know? You drive me nuts, Hutch. One minute you’re all professional top cop, and the next you’re the victim. One day you share all you are, the next you disappear behind that wall you call a conscience. A wall so damn strong I can’t get over it, around it, or through it, no matter how hard I try.”

Hutch made as if to speak, his eyes sparkling with anger and confusion.

“No. Don’t say one word. You’re going to listen to what I have to say and keep your mouth shut, or I walk. Do you understand?”

There was no way Hutch could fail to see the serious intent behind Starsky’s harsh words, and he knew his partner well enough to know that now was not the time for a patented Hutchinson finger.

At Hutch’s nod, and glaring ‘but you just wait buster’ look, Starsky seemed to relax a bit and took another short walk around the apartment.

“You just can’t seem to make up your mind about who you want to be, and every day it’s like a guessing game as to which Hutch I’m riding with. You’ll have a chili dog with me one day, and the next tear into me about my diet. You preach at me about morals and duty and human dignity and then turn your back on those very things. And it’s gotten a lot worse lately Hutch. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

As Starsky had been talking, Hutch’s very real fear of being deserted and alone jumped up and bit him with a vicious reality check. No, no, no. This wasn’t allowed. He couldn’t lose Starsky, wouldn’t lose Starsky. This had to stop before he heard something that would be beyond repair. His rebellious stance melted like butter in a hot pan, and he tried to stand to rebut those cruel words only to be driven back by the fierce glare directed at him. He knew he had better listen, and listen good, if he wanted to keep Starsky. ‘Keep Starsky?’ What did that mean?

The eyes watching him were turned inward, gathering his resolve. A deep breath preceded the release of tension in the concrete statue Starsky had become, and he began to speak in a toneless, soft speech that suddenly scared the hell out of Hutch.

“I came here to tell you I can’t take it any more. I think you’ve used up every ounce of compassion and understanding I have left.”

Eyes dark with pain pleaded with him.

“I know you better, and love you more than anyone else in my life, ever. But I don’t think you care Hutch. I think you’re so lost in misery, of your own making, that you have no idea what you’re doing to me, or others. You’re selfish, brutal in your need, and so greedy for vindication you tromp all over my feelings in the false hope of justifying your actions.”

“I said sit and shut up!” rifled at Hutch when he tried to rebut. “I couldn’t understand what was happening, or how to help, until today.”

There was a slight smile on Starsky’s lips as he retreated for just a moment into memory.

“And then I made a quick stop on the way here.” He bent to pick up a record album and moved to place it on the record player, which had been placed on the coffee table. In his self-absorption, Hutch hadn’t even noticed, and couldn’t see the title or artist.

“So now, what is going to happen is this, you are going to sit right there and listen, to me and the song, and if, when I’m finished, you still can’t get over yourself, then I’m out of here and you can do whatever the hell you want.”

He knew from the desperate quality of Starsky’s voice and stance, that he was being given one last chance. And still a little voice inside damned Starsky to hell for stomping all over his feelings, and ignoring his real pain. Couldn’t he see how…of course he could see, and feel, and suddenly Hutch could also see the torment wracking his friend, the desperate seeking to regain what had been.

Sighing deeply with resignation, Hutch lay back against the sofa in silent acknowledgement and agreement, but quickly opened his eyes in surprise at the music that suddenly filled the room. His automatic response was unspoken, as his eyes met Starsky’s.

–Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses? You’ve been out ridin’ fences for so long now–

Starsky lifted the arm off the player, and his soft voice came from his heart.

“You see Hutch, I didn’t realize how desperate you were, how much you were wanting to get off your fence and make a decision, but habit is very hard to break and so you just sat there.”

–Oh, you’re a hard one I know that you’ve got your reasons–

“You’re not only hard, you’re stubborn Hutch. Your hardness comes from not only the job, but also your past—Vanessa, your father, your indecision at college. And as well as I know you and your reasons, they’ve only been covered up, not dealt with and forgotten. I need you to be with me Hutch, not lost on some merry-go-round of guilt and regret.”

–These things that are pleasing you Can hurt you somehow–

“You get lost in the moment so often, Hutch, that you don’t see how it can all end up hurting you, and then you retreat, locking yourself away from the very answers you seek.”

–Don’t you draw the Queen of Diamonds boy She’ll beat you if she’s able You know the Queen of Hearts is always your best bet–

Starsky got up and paced a moment. “What is it with you and women, Hutch? Do you really only see the diamond glow and not the heart? Don’t you know which heart is yours, and always will be?”

–Now it seems to me some fine things Have been laid upon your table But you only want the ones that you can’t get–

“Man, Hutch, you’ve got it all: good looks, education, a job you know you love, and friends that would do anything to help you; but you keep reaching for the wrong thing, almost like you’re afraid to face what you really want.”

–Desperado, oh, you ain’t gettin’ no younger Your pain and your hunger, they’re driving you home–

“Ah babe, we’ve been driving ourselves nuts this past while desperately trying to fit into what is said to be the normal life—wife, kids, home. I think you know where your home really is, but you’ve been denying and fighting it with all you’ve got. I know I have.”

–And freedom, oh freedom, well that’s just some people talkin’ Your prison is walking through this world all alone–

Starsky voice was filled with sadness as he knelt in front of Hutch and placed his hands on Hutch’s knees. “Hutch, we both know there is no freedom, not when the heart speaks. And my heart breaks when I think of you all alone, without me.”

Hutch couldn’t speak, the honesty and emotion of Starsky’s words flooding him as the dams supporting him were blown away.

–Don’t your feet get cold in the wintertime? The sky won’t snow and the sun won’t shine It’s hard to tell the night time from the day–

“You’re not cold, Hutch, but you sure act it, turning to ice when the sun won’t take it all away. Sometimes you just outdo the sun and glow with passion and commitment. That’s the Hutch I want, the one I need. The one that doesn’t care if it’s night or day because everything’s all right.”

–You’re losin’ all your highs and lows Ain’t it funny how the feeling goes away–

“Don’t you feel it, Hutch? Don’t you see how there is no feeling there any more? You barely stumble your way through the day, ignoring what’s right in front of you. Look at me Hutch. See how much I want to help, want to hold you and show you love.”

–Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses? Come down from your fences and open the gate–

“Please Hutch, for me, take a good look at what you have and open that gate so we can walk through together.”

–It may be rainin’ but there’s a rainbow above you You better let somebody love you before it’s too late–

“Oh god, Hutch, can’t you see that that rainbow is me. I’d do anything to protect you, to keep you safe. Look at me Hutch, really look at me. I’m telling you that I love you, and it’s never too late.”

The song ended and Starsky shut the machine off, and after one long open look at Hutch, his shoulders sank and he quietly started for the door.

Hutch felt so light that he could have sworn he floated over to intercept Starsky. Barriers he hadn’t even realized where there, suddenly disappeared, and a clean slate was presented to him that shone with innocence, promise, and the most beautiful rainbow.

Starsky was so lost in his misery that he was blind to Hutch’s sudden appearance, and walked right into him, startled eyes trying to clear the mist. Gentle hands cupped his face and he looked into eyes that went on forever: clear and blue and bright.

“Never too late Starsk, and never alone,” whispered to his heart before Hutch’s lips claimed him with desperation, not of despair, but of want and need. Hutch had come down and opened the gate, for both of them, and Starsky was more than happy to follow him through it.