Table of Contents
Hutch takes Starsky home for rehabilitation and to look after him. Hutch “mother-hen-ness” at its best!
Sequel to Fallen.
Also archived on the Bay City Library Archive on 5/29/2004 here.
Chapter 1
They were finally home. It had seemed like it would never happen but at long last, Hutch could take Starsky home. It was real “me & thee” time and Hutch could not have been happier. He knew it would be a long and hard road, but one he was more than willing to travel. All that mattered now was getting Starsky back on his feet, physically and emotionally. If anything, Hutch was more worried about the emotional aftermath that Starsky was suffering, both from the abuse suffered at Country Meadows and the fact that he’d been left so alone. Hutch knew that he’d have to forgive himself for Starsky’s sake but he was still having trouble doing so and his guilt only increased as he saw how fragile Starsky was. His self esteem had been damaged severely and Hutch realized that it would take a lot of love and patience on his part to heal that hurt.
Starsky continued to worry that he would be a burden to Hutch and on more than one occasion tried to get Hutch to change his mind and admit him to a rehabilitation center for therapy and treatment. Even as they drove home, Starsky was telling Hutch how difficult this would be for him and how he didn’t want to burden him. He was secretly relieved each time Hutch said “No,” but he was determined to give Hutch an escape route if he wanted. Starsky smiled at the thought of how much his partner really did love him and knew if he was to improve at all, it would be at the hands of his stubborn blond friend. He grew anxious at times when he realized just how far he had to go to recover his strength and his health and the neglect that he’d suffered at Country Meadows had unfortunately caused him to question his own value and whether he was worth the effort.. He knew that Hutch loved him but he feared that he was going to be a lot of work for his partner and he didn’t want that. He didn’t want Hutch to feel obliged to help him, especially if full recovery couldn’t occur. He doubted that he’d ever be the same, although he kept his negative thoughts to himself for fear of enraging his partner. He didn’t know how they were going to get through this.
Hutch was well prepared for Starsky’s homecoming. He had arranged for Starsky’s bed to go into storage and had a hospital bed moved into his bedroom, along with a twin bed for himself. He wanted to be close in case Starsky woke up afraid, in pain or just needed to talk. He never wanted his partner to be afraid, or alone, again. He desperately wanted to make up for the time he missed with Starsky, the time his guilt kept him away, when his partner needed him most. He fought to keep his guilt under control, knowing that he had to do this to provide the support that Starsky would need. The investment money he had been living off was still largely intact and he wouldn’t have to worry about returning to work for some time. Fortunately he had the resources to pay for Starsky’s medical treatment and any extras that would be needed. He knew Starsky’s pride would be an obstacle, but nothing, not even Starsky himself, could stand in his way. Not when he was fighting for his friend’s return to health. He had made the decision that he would stay with Starsky and do whatever he could to get him well again, not that it had been a real decision. He wanted to help Starsky and to be there for him, as they had always been for each other. He looked forward to taking care of his treasured friend, and helping him to regain his strength and confidence. He was very aware that Starsky’s confidence was at an all time low but he believed that they could get past this together. Being on their own simply was not an option for either of them. Never again would Starsky feel unloved and alone, or worse still, a burden. He also just needed the time with his friend, time to heal the wounds that were more than just physical for them both. He thanked God that he was given this chance and promised himself that he wouldn’t ever let his friend down again.
“Hutch? Why do I need this hospital bed huh? I could manage in a regular bed.”
“Not yet Bronco, you’re not ready for the major leagues yet. Besides, it’ll be more comfortable for you Starsk, and help your back. I ordered one of those air mattresses for you to sleep on. It will take some of the pressure off those sore areas and help you to heal.”
“Well — you didn’t have to put that ramp outside, coming all the way up to the door. Now people will know that an invalid lives here.” Starsky knew he was being petulant but he didn’t like the reality that was facing him and he was taking it out on the person nearest to him, his best friend and partner. He was tired and scared.
“Starsk! Enough with talk like that. The ramp will make it easier for you, or for me to get you in and out, to medical appointments, physical therapy, the park.”
“The park? You okay Hutch? Don’t think I’ll be jogging with ya any time soon. What’s all this other stuff? You sure this is my bedroom? Looks kind of funny. You sure we left the hospital?” Starsky was taking careful inventory of all of the new additions to what used to be his cozy, warmly decorated bedroom and was fighting back panic at the changes, changes which only indicated to him what a difficult road he had ahead of him. He fully expected Hutch to show him where the nurses call bell was that he had installed along with an intercom speaker.
“Starsk, all of this ‘stuff’ is what we’re gonna need to treat your back and butt and…”
“Hutch!” Starsky’s cheeks turned red, eyes wide. “Think you could say that any louder? The windows are open! What would the neighbors think if they heard you talking to me about my, um…? Its embarrassing Hutch!” The dark curls looked from doctor Hutchinson to the open window and then onto more paraphernalia that tainted his once private room, all evidence of the long recovery that lay ahead. He watched Hutch as he happily unpacked even more items, placing them carefully on the dresser and nightstand, totally unruffled by Starsky’s mood. That’s my Hutch, he’s in a world of his own, no stopping him now — maybe he should’ve been a doctor — Nah. Starsky couldn’t help but grin fondly at his partner who was engrossed with the inventory. There was no point in panicking, not when he had his partner with him.
“We’re all stocked up on eats too. Got lots of fresh fruits, vegetables, foods from all four food groups Starsk! You’re gonna eat healthier than you’ve ever eaten before! Even got high fiber foods for you so…”
“Hutch! Will you stop that! Enough talk about my butt and — and you know! Is there anything you ‘didn’t’ remember?”
“Nope.” Hutch stopped to smile at his partner, who was looking a bit stumped. “I just have to go out to the car and get the commode.”
“No way Hutch! I’m not using one of those. Who’s gonna — never mind — you’re pulling my leg right Hutch?”
“Starsk — relax — we’re home. Never thought I’d have the chance.” Hutch suddenly found the floor very interesting “the chance to have you back — home — getting better — I was afraid there would never be an ‘us’ again.” Hutch looked up into his partner’s eyes, tears threatening to spill out of his own. “I’m just so damn glad to have you home David Michael Starsky, home where you belong, where ‘we’ belong. I’m not letting you go ever again.”
“Hey partner — I sure hope not — cause I’m not letting you slip away ever again either. I’ll make you proud Hutch. I’ll try hard — do the best I can. Not sure how good I’ll ever be, but I’ll try — ‘kay?”
“You bet you’re gonna try! You’re gonna be the best, as you always were!” Hutch didn’t like the note of doubt in Starsky’s voice but he already realized that a lot of the battles were going to be emotional as much as physical. Starsky needed to believe in himself again, in ‘me and thee’. He did the one thing that he knew would communicate even a fraction of the gladness that he was feeling on this momentous day. The day his friend came home and he reached out for him and pulled him into a warm embrace. Starsky returned the hug, feeling the arms he longed for, healing, loving arms of his best friend and partner. Both took comfort and strength from each other. They were home and had started on the road to recovery.
Chapter 2
The ride home from the hospital had exhausted Starsky and along with the pain medication Hutch gave him as scheduled, he fell asleep in his partner’s arms, feeling safe and secure for the first time in months.
Hutch gently rested Starsky’s head back onto the pillow and covered him, keeping him warm, then sat on the edge of the bed just watching him sleep for a long while. It was so good to have him home, alone and under his care. He might not be a qualified nurse, but there wasn’t anyone who could care for his partner as well as he intended to. He softly ran his hand through the thick, long curls before quietly putting the siderails up on the hospital bed, not wanting to take any chances that his prize patient would fall out of bed.
“You sleep babe.” Hutch whispered. “Been a long time since you got any real rest huh? No one is gonna come in to poke and prod at you now. I’m here and I’ll always be here Starsk.”
Hutch busied himself, first by separating Starsky’s prescriptions, checking each bottle once again, noting what times they should be given. Deciding to rest on his way to the kitchen, Hutch plopped down on the couch and was asleep in minutes. Both had waited for this day and the excitement had caught up with them. A whimpering sound startled Hutch and he jerked awake, at first not recognizing his surroundings. He had fallen asleep in the chair beside Starsky’s bed in the hospital more times than he could count and had to remind himself that they were now both home.
“Starsky?”
He woke up groggily to the sound of Starsky crying out in pain. He rushed to the bedroom to find his partner restlessly moving around in the bed, whimpering and mumbling.
“Hey — Starsk? Wake up babe — having a bad dream — come on — wake up for me.” Hutch rubbed the side of Starsky’s cheek in an attempt to wake him without scaring him.
“No — please don’t go away — help me — don’t leave me like this — cover me — please. No more feedings — I can’t take — please stop it–” Tears escaped the closed eyes even in sleep. “I don’t mean to be any trouble…”
God — Starsk. What did they do to you at Country Meadows? I’m so sorry buddy.
“Starsky — Come on, I need you to wake up for me. It’s Hutch. You hear me buddy?”
Starsky’s eyes opened with a start. “Hutch!”
“I’m right here. You were having a bad dream — sounded like a nightmare. You okay? Wanna talk about it?”
“Hutch — I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to bother ya. I don’t mean to be any trouble. I’ll try harder — Just don’t leave me okay? I’m — I’m — scared.”
Hutch lowered the siderail and took his partner into his arms, rocking him back and forth slowly, reminding him that he had nothing to be sorry for and that he was not any ‘trouble’.
“Starsk — you’re not bothering me — never. I guess we have our work cut out for us huh babe? You’ve been through hell, been mistreated and abused. No more Starsk. No more. I’ll never let anyone hurt you ever again. I promise you — you’re safe now. We gotta work on getting those nightmares to go away.” Hutch was distraught as he realized the depth of Starsky’s pain.
“I feel like a big baby — crying all the time lately. I’ll get stronger right Hutch? It’s not always gonna be like this is it?”
“No buddy, it’s only gonna get better and you are definitely gonna get stronger. It’s okay to cry, it doesn’t make you a weak person. You need to get out what’s inside. A lot has happened — we’ll deal with it together, okay buddy?”
“Okay. Hutch?”
“Yeah?”
“You’ve been through hell too. Just want you to know I’m here for you if you want to talk or anything. My body might not work like it used to, but I can still think. I’m the same inside Hutch. I’m just sorry for what you see when you look at me and for all the work that I’m gonna cause ya. I’m really ashamed.” Starsky grew more emotional as he continued to talk. He really wanted to be there for his partner and friend and he only hoped that he’d be able to.
“Starsk” a whisper, “Please — you have nothing to be ashamed of. God — how long have you been feeling like this? You’re beautiful Starsky. We’re gonna make it, and I’m gonna be here with you every step of the way. No more talking bad about yourself, all right? You know that I don’t appreciate people picking on my partner! You’re my partner forever and nothing can change that and you’re not allowed to talk bad about yourself ever. You’re just as wonderful, and annoying as ever and you’re still the David Michael Starsky that I’ve always known and loved.” Hutch was becoming upset too, as he tried to make his point. He was having trouble comprehending that Starsky was feeling so down on himself, and this hurt him more than anything.
“Hey? Guess I’m not the only crybaby here huh?” Starsky feebly reached up to wipe at the tears that had escaped the light blue eyes of his best friend.
“Sorry.” Hutch half chuckled with his own embarrassment.
“Nothin to be sorry about — someone recently told me it was okay to cry. You got a lot inside too.”
Both men smiled and embraced once more. Somehow, someway, things were going to be all right. They had each other now and trusted that they always would.
Chapter 3
The rest of the day passed quietly. Starsky slept a lot, without the interruptions he had in the hospital and he and Hutch started on what would be the first of many long talks about the tragedy that had brought them to this point in their lives. Hutch kept the conversations about the fall, Starsky’s physical condition and Country Meadows short, so as not to over tax his still frail partner. They also had the first of what would be many small battles to overcome.
“I don’t want it Hutch. I can’t eat — won’t be able to keep it down.” Cobalt blue puppy dog eyes looked up into the Gulf water blue ones looking down at him.
“Starsk, it’s only soup, you’ve gotta start eating — you’ve lost too much weight as it is. You need to eat to get stronger and to heal. If you don’t eat, you’ll never get your strength back.”
“I’ll eat tomorrow. I feel sick right now!”
“No — you’ll eat tonight and you didn’t mention you were feeling sick before! C’mon buddy, I don’t make my gourmet foods for just anyone you know? I know you don’t feel like eating, but it’s something you need to do. If you get sick, I’ll be right here. Gotta start somewhere babe.”
“I’m too tired to eat now — maybe later okay?” Starsky was getting a stubborn expression on his face but Hutch was more than equal to it.
“C’mon Starsk, soup’s getting cold. I’ll feed you if I have to, but you gotta try at least a little.” This must be what it’s like having kids — he’s testing me.
“You know, if you eat this, I have something special for you.”
“Yeah?” Starsky’s eyes brightened a little at the prospect of a treat.
“Yeah — but no desert until after you eat your dinner.”
“Aw, c’mon Hutch. I think I could keep the desert down. Let me just have that huh?”
Hutch’s smile turned into a chuckle. “You’re one stubborn little kid aren’t you? I can see my job isn’t gonna be an easy one — and don’t give me those eyes. You’re not gonna put me on a guilt trip just to get to the chocolate cake!”
“Chocolate Cake! I think that might make me feel better. Go get it — now — okay?” Starsky wasn’t sure about this as he genuinely wasn’t hungry, but he found the thought of chocolate cake considerably more appetizing than one of Hutch’s healthy concoctions.
“Some things never change .”
Oh brother, he’s going to be a very difficult patient. He never wants to eat healthy and I can see this is going to be an ongoing battle. Should I give in? How can I not! Just this once!
“Just this one time — and this time only — I’ll go and get the cake. Would you at least drink a glass of milk with it?”
“Sure buddy!” Starsky knew he had won this exchange, confident that he would be able to win future peace talks with his blond compatriot.
Same old Hutch — can still wrap him around my little finger — gotta love him, feedin’ me chocolate cake.
Starsky managed to eat the cake, even though he didn’t get his old enjoyment from it. He even drank the milk, making faces at his partner as he did.
The night brought some more awkwardness for them. Both had decided against having a nurse come in to take care of Starsky. Hutch would, and wanted to be there to handle everything for his partner. He didn’t want Starsky being uncomfortable at the hands of any more strangers. However, the proud and independent Starsky thought that he’d be able to do more than he could and be able to dissuade Hutch from helping him. That was a mistake on his part that he soon realized, as Hutch wasn’t about to give in. So, of course Starsky put up a fight, complaining that he did not want Hutch being his nursemaid, but after a very long and heated discussion, he finally agreed that Hutch would be able to give him the best care and that he really did need help. The reality was that Starsky couldn’t manage and needed a lot of assistance with doing just about anything. He had limited strength and even Hutch was realizing that this was going to be a very difficult recovery. Starsky had a very long way to go before he could even achieve semi independence. Given the choice of Hutch, or a home nurse, Hutch was the lesser of two evils but it was still difficult for the proud Starsky. Case closed, with Hutch winning the battle. However, the battle with words was one thing, but Starsky still had to deal with the reality of Hutch tending to his personal needs, especially his sores. He was highly embarrassed.
“Okay Starsk, I’m gonna help you to turn onto your side — ready?”
“Guess so — you sure you wouldn’t rather have a nurse come in and do this?”
“No way buddy, we already had this discussion. I’m here and I want to help. Now roll over will ya?”
“Okay.” Starsky smiled at his willing partner, although he was still very uneasy about the entire situation.
Hutch brought a basin of warm water from the bathroom and sat it on the bedside table. He had taken instruction and learned from the nurses all about how to treat Starsky’s abused body.
“You ready Starsk? I’m gonna wash your back and then we’ll do the treatment okay?”
“Do I have a choice Hutch?”
“No, not really.” Hutch laughed and ruffled the dark curls gently. “You know, your hair is getting pretty long. Want me to give you a hair cut tomorrow or do you want to start wearing it in a ponytail?”
“Very funny Hutch. Maybe you can trim it this weekend — better make it look good though. I have a reputation to maintain ya know.”
The wounds were painful for Hutch to see. They were stark reminders of the abuse and neglect that Starsky had suffered as a direct result of Hutch not being there for him. He never would have suffered such neglect if Hutch hadn’t been so crippled with guilt himself. Hutch grimaced as he started the treatment. As they healed, the areas were becoming even more sensitive as the nerve endings started surfacing again. The physical and emotional damage caused by Country Meadows was severe and would take a long time in healing.
“I’m sorry buddy, I don’t want to hurt you, I know this isn’t pleasant.”
Starsky tried not to make a sound, but it was painful for him to move and he was still very sore. However, he didn’t want to make Hutch feel any more guilty than he knew he already was. He knew the treatments were necessary. It was just hard at times for him not to cry out.
“I’m sorry Hutch. It’s not your fault — just a little sore yet.” Starsky was beginning to sweat and held onto the siderail with white knuckles, but knew this had to be done. The pain soon outweighed the embarrassment of having Hutch tend to him and Starsky just wanted it over with.
“I’ll soon be finished buddy — hang on for me okay?” Tears were very close to the surface for Hutch too, as he realized how much pain his partner was in.
Hutch finished treating Starsky’s back by rubbing some prescription lotion around the deep, ugly wounds, after he packed them with the medicated gauze and applied the dressings. He then put pillows behind Starsky’s back and in between his knees to keep the pressure off the open areas.
“Comfortable?”
“Yeah, that’s better Hutch. Thanks.”
“Can I get you anything Starsk?”
“No. Hutch?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for the cake. It was good.” The thank you wasn’t just for the cake and Hutch knew it. Starsky smiled at his loving friend who he knew was feeling guilty about having to treat his back, causing him pain. But it was necessary and Starsky was so thankful that Hutch loved him enough to take such good care of him, especially when he didn’t make it easy for him. He’d promised himself that he wouldn’t impose on Hutch, or complain but he hadn’t kept his end of the bargain up and he could see how difficult this was for his partner — already. Starsky made another promise to himself that he’d ease up on Hutch. What did I do to deserve this wonderful blond blintz?
Hutch smiled in return and winked at his cherished friend. “You’re not gonna get away with having dessert only again. You’re gonna eat good, healthy food from now on, and then dessert! But only if you’re a good boy!”
After giving Starsky a pill for pain and making sure he was comfortable, he sat on his own bed, talking to his partner until he was fast asleep. They both got the first good nights sleep either of them had had in a long time.
Chapter 4
The effort of coming home and adjusting to another routine had exhausted Starsky, who spent most of the weekend sleeping. Starsky was also just starting to realize his limitations and was finding this difficult to cope with. He was also trying to fight feelings of depression and frustration for he was determined to hide these emotions from Hutch if he could, as he was aware that his partner was nearly as weary as he was himself. Hutch was having difficulties too, with the realization of just how difficult the immediate future was going to be. He really wanted to, and intended to, help Starsky but it was obviously not going to be easy. So far their disagreements had been mild but Hutch couldn’t doubt that they were in for a rocky time. Starsky was too stubborn and proud at times and Hutch always had difficulty seeing him in pain. He was going to have to let go of his guilt, which is what he kept telling himself. He didn’t doubt that Starsky would be reluctant to lean on him and he could only pray that they would get through this, that he would find the strength to hold them together. It wasn’t that he didn’t love Starsky enough, he just loved him too much and this was going to be an enormous ordeal for them both.
Monday morning came all too soon for Starsky. The day he would be starting physical therapy at home. He knew he needed the therapy, but was afraid. He’d started with the therapy at hospital but somehow this seemed more frightening to him. What if he couldn’t do this? What if he let his partner down? Already, he realized that they couldn’t live like this indefinitely and he needed to get back on his feet, as much for Hutch’s sake as well as his own. He was still in so much pain and he knew all too well how the therapy sessions only increased the pain in his already tortured body. He was hoping that the new physical therapist would go easy on him. His anxiety was growing and he was beginning to feel sick, for real this time.
Hutch greeted the large man at the door and brought him into the bedroom to meet his new patient.
“Starsk, this is Mark Collins, the physical therapist who will be working with you.”
Mark held out his hand to greet Starsky. “Hi David, nice to meet you — you ready to show me what you got?”
Starsky nodded, as his voice seemed to be trapped momentarily. “I — I — don’t know how much I can do. Is this gonna hurt? My back is real sore you know?” Starsky looked at Mark, then to Hutch, his face becoming pale, mouth dry.
“I won’t lie to you David, we’ve got a lot to work on and the exercises aren’t always easy. It’s up to you, we’ll take things slow at first, but it is hard work. I’ve read over your case and know all about what happened to you. I’m sorry for what you had to go through David, no one should ever have to experience the hell you were put through at Country Meadows. I hear you’re a hero though. If it weren’t for you, the place would still be in business — but it was a high price to pay.”
Hutch saw the need to step in. “It’s okay, Starsk.” Hutch’s hand took Starsky’s trembling one into his own. “I’m not gonna let anything happen to you buddy. We both know this isn’t gonna be easy, but I know you can do it. I’ll give you a good massage later okay?”
“Okay Hutch. I’ll — I’ll try.”
“Now that’s the Starsky I know. I’ll be right here.”
Mark started by explaining all of the exercises and techniques that he would be working on with Starsky and showed him the equipment that they would be using, as he retrieved the items from his van. He brought in and set up parallel bars that would be used for Starsky to support himself when doing the walking exercises and some weights among other things. He went on to explain all that he hoped to accomplish with Starsky. Mark also included Hutch in on everything, as he would be playing a very big part in Starsky’s recovery. Mark had already noticed how Starsky was looking to Hutch for encouragement and he wasn’t going to exclude anyone from the treatment who could help his patient. Knowing what a difficult road Starsky had in front of him, he was glad to discover that he had such a strong support mechanism.
“Okay David, I’m going to start with some passive range of motion exercises. Those are exercises that I will be doing, such as working with your joints. We’ll start doing some active range of motion exercises also. Those are exercises that you will be doing. When we do the passive range of motion exercises I want you to let me do all of the work okay?”
“All right Mark.”
“Good, I’m going to show you how to transfer yourself from the bed to the wheelchair and vice versa. You’ll only need to learn this until you are stronger and can get out of bed by yourself. I know your hands and arms are a bit weak yet too, so I brought some weights in for you to exercise with to gain strength. I’m going to assess the strength in your legs to see if leg braces would help you until the muscle tone in those legs are strong enough to support you on your own.”
“I don’t want braces. Mark — Hutch — do I need them really?” Starsky’s nerves were on edge and just the thought of having to wear leg braces made him feel even more inadequate.
“Hey buddy, it’s okay. Even if you do need them temporarily, it will only be for a while. You’re gonna be walking on your own sooner than you think.” Hutch saw the fear in Starsky’s eyes, as did Mark.
Hutch knew Starsky needed a ‘time out.’ “Mark, can I have some time alone with my partner?”
“Of course. I know all of this is a lot to adjust to. I’ll go and get the rest of the stuff out of my van. Take as long as you need.”
“Thanks Mark.” Hutch felt comfortable with the large man who he was entrusting to work with Starsky.
~~~
“Hutch, I don’t wanna wear leg braces. Tell me I don’t have to!”
“Starsk, relax! You’re working yourself up into a panic. Just relax babe and breathe deeply. No decisions have to be made on the leg braces yet. I know you’re scared but I know you can do this, I have total faith in you.”
“I’m glad someone does, cause I’m not feelin’ real strong right now. I — I — No leg braces, please!” Starsky felt trapped, as though the walls were crashing in on him. Despite himself, tears began to trickle down his cheeks. Ashamed, he tried to turn on his side away from Hutch.
“Hey buddy, come back here.” Hutch gently turned his frightened partner back toward him, taking him into his arms. “Shh — Starsk, I know this is hard. I wish I could take your place buddy, but I can’t. Shh — It’s okay — it’s all gonna be okay. No leg braces if you don’t want. But please, don’t be scared. No-one is gonna hurt you, not when I am here.”
Hutch held Starsky, rocking back and forth slowly until his body seemed to relax, taking comfort in the strong arms of his friend and protector.
“I think I’ll be okay now Hutch. Thanks. Just got scared there for a while. It’s all kind of overwhelming you know? Why am I so scared! Damn it! I just want things to be the way they used to be for us. How did we get here huh?”
“You’re gonna be okay pal — promise. I’ll be right beside you all the way. Wanna let Mark back in now? He seems to be a nice guy.”
“Yeah, let the man back in I guess. Hutch — thanks for being here — don’t know what I’d do without ya. You sure this isn’t too much for you?”
“Never — who else would put up with ya huh? You’re stuck with me buddy. How about we get this over with for today okay? Might even have some chocolate cake for later!”
~~~
Mark worked with Starsky for about three hours, Hutch taking careful mental notes so he would be able to eventually take over doing the exercises. Mark worked with Starsky doing lots of range of motion exercises and had him transfer in and out of the bed a couple of times. Starsky actually did very well, although by the time the session was over, he was exhausted. He fell asleep and only woke a couple of hours later when his muscles started to stiffen up and the pain got too bad. Hutch did not leave his side until the pain medicine he gave his partner began to work and Starsky fell into a more restful sleep.
Over the next two weeks Mark worked diligently with Starsky. Initially he used a tilt table to get Starsky used to being in an upright position, used to weight bearing and also to increase his standing tolerance. Each day the board was gradually increased from a horizontal to a vertical position. Mark monitored Starsky’s blood pressure during these times to make sure it did not drop too low. Starsky hated being strapped in the table and feeling so weak, but eventually the dizziness became less and he did feel stronger. Soon Mark had Starsky at the parallel bars encouraging his first steps.
“You’re doing great Starsk!” Hutch waited at the end of the parallel bars for Starsky, always ready to catch him if he would fall.
Starsky looked up at the destination he was determined to reach. Hutch.
It took some time, but he was finally able to walk the entire length of the bars. He collapsed into Hutch’s arms happily and exhausted when he was finally able to accomplish the short walk.
“Oh God Hutch–” Starsky was sweating and feeling very weak.
“I am so proud of you buddy! You did it! Take some deep breaths now, try to relax — I’ve got you.”
“Can I go back to bed now?”
Chapter 5
Starsky was totally exhausted by his therapy sessions, even more so than he wanted to admit to Hutch. He was also starting to feel frustrated, as he knew that his progress wasn’t going as fast as he would have liked. He felt the need to push himself hard, so that both he and his partner could get their lives back. He was painfully aware that Hutch had no social life now and was with him constantly. As much as he loved having Hutch nearby, he knew that this wasn’t a life for either of them.
After a week of the continuing monotony, they were watching the news together when an item came up that grabbed their attention. There had been a shooting at a local bar — Huggy Bears. They listened grimly to the details. One dead and two wounded slightly. No mention of the proprietor and Hutch raced to the phone. No-one answered and he exchanged an uneasy look with Starsky. He really needed to see Huggy but he didn’t like the thought of leaving Starsky on his own. Starsky of course realized what he was thinking and told him to go.
“Look Hutch, I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me. You get down there and find out what’s goin’ on! Huggy’s been a great friend to both of us.”
“Starsk, you come with me…”
“NO Hutch! I’ll just slow you down. But you make sure you ring me as soon as you can!”
Hutch wasn’t happy but he knew that he should do something for Huggy.
“You don’t move Starsk! Don’t try to do anything too much okay? I’ll be back as quick as I can!” He moved to the phone and brought it back so that it was close to Starsky. He also brought out snack food and a drink so that Starsky would have something to nibble on if he got hungry.
“Yes mom! Now go find out if Huggy is okay!”
With a final admonishment to Starsky to be careful, Hutch reluctantly left.
As Hutch left, Starsky realized that this was his first stint totally alone since his fall. Even though he’d been abused and neglected in Country Meadows and he’d felt alone, there had been people around him. He was now on his own. He prayed that Huggy was okay as he’d been a very good friend to them both over the years. Time lagged on slowly and he realized that he needed the bathroom.
God — not now! Maybe I can wait — Hutch might not be too long — or maybe he’ll be at Huggy’s for hours.
Starsky flipped through a magazine, the TV Guide, then a book Hutch had been reading, then back to the magazine.
Why do they always have to be advertising beverages? Damn it! And all these resort areas? Do they all have to have a pool or the ocean in the pictures? Italian ice — great! Hurry Hutch! I don’t think I can wait too much longer.
Starsky threw the offending magazine across the room and out of his sight. It was then that he heard the raindrops starting to hit heavy on the windows and the drainage into the sewer pipe outside. He shifted from side to side, held his breath, tried to cross his legs without success.
This is so NOT fair! I can’t wait any longer. I can make it to the bathroom. It’s not that far — only about a quarter of a mile. I gotta go — NOW!
Starsky wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or cry at the state of affairs he found himself in. He reached for the wheelchair and with all of his strength he stood behind it, gripping its handles for support. He got from the couch to the middle of the living room when he lost his balance and the chair went flying. He now lay on the living room floor — phone out of reach — nothing to grab onto.
Oh God! My side! Hutch!!! I need you — like — yesterday! This isn’t happening! This isn’t my life — no, this is someone else’s nightmare! I’m gonna wake up soon I hope. God — it hurts!
Starsky lay in a heap on the floor, arms around his ribcage where he hit the wheelchair when he went down. He then felt the side of his head, checking for damages, finding his hand full of blood as he hit his head on the corner of the end table. Everything hurt now and seeing the blood only made matters worse. He was dizzy and feeling faint. Any strength he fantasized he might have had was gone. He cried out loud, wanting to scream and hide when the warm fluid drained from him. He no longer needed the bathroom. He was horrified and so ashamed.
God Hutch — please don’t find me like this.
Starsky tried to crawl to the bedroom where he might find some dry pajamas and even imagined that somehow he would get himself changed before Hutch got home. He never reached his destination, as the pain in his side and in his head overwhelmed him. He passed out cold.
~~~
Hutch was relieved to discover that Huggy hadn’t even been at his bar during the shooting. Huggy had just returned to face the police and the drama associated with a shooting. It seemed that one of his new waitresses had tried to drop her boyfriend and he’d taken revenge by shooting her and two of the customers who’d been in the wrong place at the wrong time. She’d died instantly but fortunately the other injuries were minor. Huggy was very moved that Hutch had come to make sure that he was okay for he more than anyone, knew that Hutch hadn’t left Starsky’s side since his release from hospital.
“I’m fine bro! It’s great you came to see me but you’d better get back to Starsky!”
“Glad you’re okay Hug. Starsk would’ve come too but he figured I’d get here quicker on my own. Do you mind if I phone him so that he won’t worry about you?”
Huggy grinned. He knew that the other reason behind the phone call was so that Hutch could stop worrying about Starsky. But he didn’t resent it, he’d been so happy to see Hutch and have him deal with some of the formalities. He walked in after Hutch and waited next to him as the phone was dialed. Hutch tapped his fingers impatiently. “Come on, come on!” He looked worriedly at Huggy.
“He should answer! The phone was right by him and he can’t get around easily on his own. Something is wrong!” Huggy didn’t get a chance to speak as the receiver was put in his hand.
“Keep trying! I’ll radio in for an ambulance from the car and if you get an answer, you phone the precinct to get the message to me!”
“Whoa Hutch! Ambulance is a bit premature ain’t it?”
“Hug, you don’t know how much trouble he has moving. Something is wrong! I’d rather have the ambulance arrive unnecessarily than take any risks. I’ll be there before it anyway. I just want to make sure–”
“Go Hutch! I’ll keep ringing!” Hutch’s panic was contagious and Huggy was responding to it almost against his will.
Hutch ran out to the car, cursing to the fates that had seen a lunatic shooting in Huggy’s. He knew that he’d had no choice but to go check on Huggy but he should have waited and brought Starsky. Starsky wasn’t ready to be left on his own and he could only pray that nothing had happened. He screeched to a halt outside Starsky’s place and ran inside, the sight of Starsky on the floor, causing him to freeze. He knelt down beside him and felt for his pulse and saw the cut on his head. He also noticed that Starsky had an accident and his heart went out to his friend, realizing what had happened.
Chapter 6
“Starsk!”
Oh God, how could I have left you alone? You were tryin’ to make it to the bathroom weren’t you buddy? I should’a been here.
“Starsky? Come on — wake up for me huh? I called an ambulance — it’ll be here soon. Aw Starsk — I’m so sorry.”
Hutch had grabbed the afghan off of the couch to cover Starsky, and a clean moist towel to put against the gash in Starsky’s head. He didn’t want to move him in case he had hurt his back or neck when he fell. He knelt beside the still form on the floor, talking to him softly, rubbing his arm, holding his hand, praying.
Please let him be okay. Starsk, you gotta be okay. I’m sorry — I’m so so sorry.
“Hey, Huggy is okay Starsk. He wasn’t even there when the shooting happened. He asked about you.” Hutch started talking about anything that came to mind — he had to make sure Starsky knew he was there with him. His attention was turned to the door when the medics arrived. He was glad he had called them on his way home, but never expected to find Starsky in this state.
“Hey, hurry he’s unconscious! I can’t wake him up. You gotta be careful with him–” Hutch was finding his breaking point, but tried to fight the tears and panic — he needed to be strong for Starsky. “He — he has some open wounds on his back — they hurt him pretty bad–”
“We won’t hurt him sir. We need you to move so we can help him okay?”
The medics exchanged glances, knowing the blond was crumbling and in a fragile state himself. They didn’t know the story behind the two, but knew the bond must be very strong. He could see the love and concern the mobile man had for his unconscious friend.
The medics strapped Starsky onto a backboard, as Hutch told them of his condition. They had Starsky — and Hutch — loaded into the ambulance and arrived at the hospital within minutes. Starsky was taken into a small room in the emergency room while Hutch was directed to the waiting area. It seemed like he should be getting used to this routine and the waiting, but it never got any easier. After what felt like hours, the ER doctor came to speak with Hutch.
“Mr. Hutchinson?”
“Yes! That’s me. How is he doc?”
“The doctor reached out his hand. “I’m doctor Sullivan, you’re friend is going to be all right. He has some bruised ribs, but nothing is broken. He’ll be sore for a while, and I needed to put some stitches in his head–”
“But doc, all that blood — are you sure he’s okay?”
“He’ll be fine, head wounds bleed a lot, even when they are not serious. David will have quite a headache. I’ll send some pain medication home with him.”
“He already has pain medication — unless you want him to have something different — doc you know he’s going through a lot of other things right now. He had a bad fall a couple of months ago and–”
“Yes, I know Mr. Hutchinson — I remember hearing about David and what he went through at Country Meadows. I can’t believe that places like that even exist! I’m sorry for you and your friend and for what you must have gone through.”
“I didn’t go through anything doc! HE’S THE ONE WHO SUFFERED AND WAS ALL ALONE! DAMN IT!!!!” The guilt was creeping back and starting to overwhelm Hutch once again. He knew he had to get a grip.
“Mr. Hutchinson? Have a seat over here.” Doctor Sullivan directed Hutch to a seat in the corner of the waiting room where he could have a private word with him. “Listen, you’re feeling guilty aren’t you?”
Hutch just looked up at the doctor, trying to retain the tears that were demanding to surface. “Why shouldn’t I? He’s suffering so much. He’s in so much pain. He’s lost just about everything that matters to him. He’s a proud man doc, and now he’s so damn helpless! He can’t do anything! I just want him to be happy again and I’m starting to have my doubts that he ever will be.” The dam began to overflow and Hutch’s tears could no longer be contained. “I’m sorry doc, I don’t mean act like a big baby. He’s my friend and I just love him so damn much. I don’t want him suffering anymore.” Hutch put his head down in defeat.
“Mr. Hutchinson — Ken, you know you’re reaction to all of what has happened is normal.”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“Ken, it is no secret — what happened to David. It was in the papers and word about him was all over this hospital. He’s a hero in all of our eyes.”
“But doc, you don’t know what I–”
Doctor Sullivan reached out and put his hand on Hutch’s shoulder. “I do Ken — I do. You know, I had a brother — we were swimming at the neighborhood lake, well, he was swimming, I was always kind of spooked by deep waters. One day my brother and the other kids were swinging off of a rope tied to a tree and jumping into the water. It was my brother’s turn to jump, and he did, but he never surfaced. They say he got a cramp and that’s what took him down. He couldn’t move — but I could. I was too afraid to go in and get him. He died Ken. It took me years to come to terms with that guilt. Don’t let what happened between you and David ruin your life or David’s. You’ve gotta know that you did the best you could at the time. You’re only human too. I know the guilt you felt — its not quite the same, but its guilt over someone you love very much. Don’t go on blaming yourself for something you had no control over. We all do the best we can with what life hands us. You’re really not responsible Ken. Now, do you want to see your friend? He’s been asking for you. He doesn’t blame you Ken, I can tell. He wouldn’t be doing as well as he is if it weren’t for you. Yes, you both take up pretty much of the rumor mill and gossip around here.”
“Thanks for sharing that with me doc. I just want him to be happy. I’d like to see him now.” Hutch gave a smile of appreciation to doctor Sullivan and followed him into the room that held his precious, hard headed friend.
Chapter 7
Hutch stuck his head into the small room in the ER, trying to hide that he had been crying.
“Hey buddy.”
“Hutch”
“How ya doing partner?”
“I’ll live.”
“Starsky, don’t turn away from me. I’m sorry I left you alone. I never should’v–”
“Hutch — just go home. Leave me here. They’ll find placement for me. Please–”
“Starsk — don’t do this. I’m not going anywhere without you.”
“I’m too much to handle Hutch. You need a life.”
“Starsky, stop it! You ARE my life! We’re in this together and I’m not leaving you! So you had a fall, it wasn’t your fault.”
“DID YOU CLEAN THE FLOOR UP YET? Just go Hutch. I’m a mess and I’m not getting better. You can’t even leave me alone for a couple of hours!” Starsky tried to turn away once more, unsuccessfully.
“DAMN IT STARSK! Stop it will you? So you had an accident! That wasn’t your fault either. You couldn’t make it to the bathroom, no big deal!” What am I doing yelling at him?
“This is what I mean Hutch. It’s just too much. You’d be better off without me.”
Hutch dropped his head as the tears began to fall as he felt his own spirit weakening. He wasn’t sure how to get through to his partner.
“Starsky, do you know how much I need you? I know you think you’re being a burden. You’re not! I need you just as much as you need me — maybe more. I need you to turn to — you’re my strength! I don’t want to be anywhere else but with you. I need you, you hold me together. Yes, I’m scared too, Starsk. I know I’m not always the greatest person to be around, but I need you Starsk. I need you to help me. I don’t care if we’re not out on the streets, being cops — I’m not gonna make it without you partner. So please, no more talk about not coming home with me. ‘Me and thee’ Starsk! That’s all that matters!”
Starsky reached to wipe at the tears on his faltering partners face, then ran a hand through the fine blond hair. “Babe? Don’t cry. I’m sorry. I just feel so damn helpless and I know I’m causing more work for you. When was the last time you were out on a date huh? When was the last time you had time for you? I don’t want to hold you back. Just because I can’t do the things we used to do, doesn’t mean you should be held back. Sometimes I’m sorry that the morph–”
Hutch looked up, tears still falling, not believing what he heard, what Starsky was about to say. “What the hell are you saying? WHAT IN GOD’S NAME ARE YOU SAYING STARSKY?”
“I’m sorry Hutch. I just feel it would be better for everyone if I weren’t around. I’ve been nothing but trouble and I can’t help myself. I’m tired Hutch. I want you to be free of all of this. I’m being selfish in needing you so much. Maybe it’s time to realize that this is just too big for us! Sometimes I wonder why I lived! Most people would’ve died after that fall, but not me. I lived but what for Hutch?”
Hutch composed himself, knowing one of them had to be strong. He was sure Starsky wasn’t going to take on that role just now and it was nearly killing him hearing Starsky asking why did he survive.
“David Starsky! I’m taking you home and then we’re gonna have one hell of a long talk. Then we’re gonna move on with our lives. It’s not gonna be easy and its not gonna be pain free, but please don’t talk about leaving me okay? This isn’t too big for us! Nothing is too big for ‘me and thee’! I really need you, and I’m not about to let you take the easy way out. You ARE going to get better, and you are NOT going to push me away! You did survive buddy, for me. And I’m gonna help you!”
“Hutch, I didn’t mean–”
“We’ll talk about it when we get home. I thought that by not talking about it, those feelings would just go away. I was wrong. I’m not gonna let you go on thinking like that. Now I’m being selfish and I don’t care. I’m not losing you!”
~~~
It had been a long day and an even longer evening. Starsky was back home, stitches in place closing the new wound in his head, ribs taped to provide support, the floor had been cleaned up and Starsky was finally ready for bed. Other than a minor argument over Starsky refusing to eat any dinner, few words were exchanged between the two since their arrival home.
Hutch needed time to collect his thoughts and knew if he spoke too soon he would end up yelling at his partner once again or breaking down and crying. The remark Starsky had made about the morphine, when they were in the ER, still had Hutch shaking. Starsky’s question about why he survived, frightened him and he needed time to compose himself.
Starsky lay in his hospital bed, siderails up, and in the dark as he had requested. Hutch sat on the couch, leaning his head back, looking at the ceiling, also in the dark. Neither man could sleep or even rest. The tension was thick enough to cut with a knife, maybe even a chainsaw. Both were trapped in their own pain filled worlds, unsure of how to make the other understand their own position.
The time finally came when Hutch could no longer contain what he had to say to his best friend, and his best friend WAS going to listen. He entered the dark room, now lit only by the streetlight outside, lowered the siderail and sat on the bed next to his partner, whose eyes were closed.
“Starsk? We gotta talk Starsky. C’mon, open those eyes, I know you’re not sleeping.”
“Leave me alone Hutch. I just want to sleep.”
“You can sleep later. We’re gonna talk now. I’m not leaving your side until we do.”
“Nothin’ to talk about Hutch.”
“Oh yes there is buddy. We have plenty to talk about — now look at me.”
Starsky slowly turned his head to face his partner, his friend, the man who seemed to care more about him than he did his own life.
“Go ahead — yell at me — scream at me. Is that what you want to do?”
“Starsky, you know better than that. Stop building these walls around yourself. I need you to let me in. I want to help you, but you have to let me. I want you to listen to me buddy, then you can have your say okay?”
“Okay.”
“Okay. I know that none of this is easy for you. It’s not easy for me either. Do you know what it does to me to see you suffering like this? It tears me apart Starsk, and I can only be here to help you. I wish I could make things right for you, for us, right now, but that’s not how its gonna be. We have a long road ahead of us but I’m not gonna let you give up on me.”
“But Hut–”
“No — let me finish. Three months ago you had a bad accident, fell off a 40 foot cliff! You nearly died Starsk. I couldn’t have taken that. You asked why you’d survived! You survived for me! Because I wouldn’t have survived losing you! Then you couldn’t move at all, thought you’d never be able to move again. I couldn’t face YOU then Starsk ’cause I felt it was all my fault. Then there was the misunderstanding when I thought you wanted me to leave. I’ll never fully forgive myself for what happened, but we have to move forward — it’s our only choice. We have another chance buddy. Please don’t quit on me. The David Starsky I know is not a quitter! I know it seemed as though I quit on you, but I didn’t, even though that is what it looked like, and I didn’t know how bad things were for you. I thought you were being well taken care of and blamed me for everything. I’m so sorry for the hell you went through and I’m sorry for allowing the guilt to misguide me like it did. I lost sight of how forgiving you are and how much you loved me! You could have called me you know — or had someone call me. I would have had you out of there instantly! But fact is I didn’t know!”
“Hut–”
“No Starsk — your turn is coming. You’re gonna hear me out this time. About ‘being a burden’, I don’t ever want you to think that you are a burden to me. You could never be a burden to me — I just love you too damn much buddy. When I thought you were gonna die, I wanted to die too — there wasn’t anything left to live for Starsk. I held on, and I need you to do the same for me now. What would you do if our roles were changed around? Would you let me give up? I know damn well you wouldn’t. You’d be as annoying as ever and I’d need to get better just to get you off my back! The same applies to you! You want me off your back, you’ve gotta get well!”
“Look what happened tonight! You think I–”
“Starsk! You’ll get your chance. Now let me finish. So you had an accident today. You were trying to get to the bathroom. That’s one thing I didn’t think of when I left to go to Huggy’s. You’re gonna need to let go of that New York pride of yours and accept that things like that happen. Next time I go out or have to leave you alone, you’re gonna have a urinal to use — and I don’t want any flack about it! You’re gonna start to eat better too — at least start to eat! You can’t survive eating like a rabbit. You need to get your strength back and you can’t do it without eating. Then, there’s the little matter of something you said in the emergency room today. You stopped short, but you were going to say you wished that the morphine had worked, I don’t want to ever hear that again! If you’re feeling down I want you to talk to me. I don’t ever want to hear you talk about dying again! That’s selfish Starsk and you know it! What would I do without you here to aggravate me? Who would be here to get on my nerves and drive me mad? Huh? And whose gonna drive that red tomato of yours around? You know, it’s just sitting out there growing rust, waiting for you! Please just try to help me out here Starsk. Will you work with me buddy?”
Chapter 8
“Can I have a turn now?”
“Yeah, you can have a turn now Starsk.”
“Thanks. First, I’m sorry I let the part about the morphine slip.”
“Starsky, that was more than just a slip. This is your life we’re talking about. Our life. You’ve got to stop thinking like that!”
“I know that. It’s just so damn hard Hutch. When I think of how carefree our lives used to be — how I used to see you laugh — I thought we were invincible. Even after Gunther’s attack — I thought that was the end of us, but we made it and with your help, I got back on my feet again and back to a life that was worth living. I used to be something Hutch. I used to be able to have fun with you — able to be a good cop — I used to be able to help you Hutch. I used to be a friend to you, but now I’m just a body that needs help with everything! I’m not so sure I’ll ever be that same man again. I feel like God is trying to tell me something. He keeps pullin’ me down. If I feel like I want to give up or give in — do you blame me?”
“Yes, I do. You’re never gonna give up Starsk — I just won’t let you do that. You are my friend, and partner ALWAYS!”
“I’m sorry Hutch — really sorry. Sometimes it’s just all too much. I don’t want you blaming yourself for what happened to me. I want you to have a normal life — a life filled with pretty ladies, the beach, your music, I want to see you out there having fun — fun like we used to. I can’t do those things anymore Hutch, but you can. Only you’re never gonna find that life if you are here with me seven days a week, 24 hours a day — and I don’t know how long this is going to go on. This is gonna wear you down and it hurts me to see you not having any fun — not getting any enjoyment out of life — and having to clean up after me. That’s not fair to you Hutch. I love you too, and holding you back hurts me so bad. I need you so much it scares me. What if I never walk again? And I feel like a freak! Girls used to dig me you know? Who’d want to look at me now? I have scars everywhere! I can’t even go to the bathroom by myself — I can’t do anything by myself damn it! How would you feel Hutch?”
“You don’t get it do you Starsk? I can’t have those things without you! You are my life and I’m not sacrificing anything looking after you! I want you in my life regardless and I WILL look after you forever if need be. Don’t ask me to let you go ’cause that’s the one thing I can never do, not even for you and you know I’d do anything in the world for you Starsk!”
Tears were plentiful for both detectives now. Hutch felt at least that some of that wall was cutting loose. At least they were talking again. He took Starsky into his arms and Starsky did not protest. The talk was long and exhausting, and both knew it would not be the last. Starsky feel asleep with his head resting on Hutch’s chest and hearing the steady breathing of his partner, Hutch too was soon asleep beside his partner.
~~~
Morning came quickly and both only woke when they heard a knock at the door. It was Mark, Starsky’s therapist. Hutch looked at his watch, not believing how long they had slept, then went to let Mark in.
Mark had become a trusted friend to both men and this morning he boasted in with his usual cheerfulness. “Hey! How are Batman and Robin this fine morning?”
Hutch was still in the clothing he had on the day before, shirt wrinkled and untucked, hair in all directions. “I think I’m doing okay Mark, but I’m not sure how Robin is — he’s still sleeping.”
“Looks like you had a rough night. Starsky okay?”
“We’re okay, let me go and wake him. Help yourself to some coffee Mark. Oh, you’ll have to make it — sorry.” Hutch smiled, then turned to wake his partner.
“Hey buddy, time to wake up.”
“I wanna sleep Hutch. Still tired.”
“Mark is here buddy.” Hutch went to the bathroom for a wet washcloth and towel and upon returning started to gently wipe at Starsky’s face.
“Hey Hutch! What are you doing?”
“Just thought I’d help you wake up.”
“I can do it.” Starsky reached for the washcloth and let out an unexpected gasp of pain.
“Starsk? You okay? You have pain?”
“I’m okay — side hurts a little — head hurts — but I’m just fine.” Starsky gave the washcloth back to Hutch. “Maybe I’ll let you do this — just for today though.”
Starsky did not tell Hutch the extent of the pain he was feeling. His head hurt, but his rib area, where he fell, felt like it was on fire. He did his best to hide his shortness of breath.
“Can I have a glass of water Hutch?”
“Sure buddy, be right back.”
After Starsky was sure that Hutch was out of sight, he grabbed his side, taking short, shallow breaths, trying to will the pain away. He looked at the affected area only to see that the bruise had grown. It was now larger and a deep purple color. It’s only a bruise. It will go away. I don’t want Hutch to see this, he’ll only have me back in the hospital again or call the paramedics. He winced at the pain as he tried to get a grasp on his composure.
“Here you go buddy. Mark made some coffee too if you want some.”
Mark stood at the doorway of the bedroom, ready to service his patient. “Morning David. Ready for your workout today?”
“Can we take it easy today Mark? Had a little fall yesterday — I’m a little sore.”
“Sure, you sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah, I’m great Mark, just don’t feel like walkin’ the mile today.”
“It’s okay David, how about I just do some passive range of motion exercises and we’ll call it a day. Everyone deserves a break sometimes.”
If he only knew. I’m startin’ to hate that word ‘break.’ “Okay Mark, just a little all right?”
Mark only worked with Starsky for about 30 minutes, seeing how tired and exhausted Starsky seemed to be today. He also noticed that the spark he had seen in his eyes the other day was gone. He thought about how the spark that was gone from Hutch’s eyes too. Wonder what happened to these guys? None of my business — but it sure seems weird.
Mark left and Hutch started Starsky’s bath and treatments to the still open areas on Starsky’s back and bottom. Few words were exchanged as Hutch gave his best massage to his quiet partner.
“Wanna talk about it Starsk?”
“I’m okay Hutch, just tired. Massage feels good.”
“I’m not hurting you am I?”
“Not at all Hutch, it feels good — really.”
Hutch finished his ministrations to his friend, made sure he was comfortable, pillows in all the right places, siderails up and gave Starsky his medication including something for pain. He combed the long curls and suggested a trim later today.
Chapter 9
Starsky told Hutch he had a headache and didn’t want to get out of bed today. In reality, he was just too depressed. His thoughts scared him, but he didn’t know how to get out of the hole he was falling into rapidly and he needed some time alone. He didn’t want Hutch to see him crying — again. The dam was breaking as Starsky’s tears turned into sobs that racked his sore shoulders, but he didn’t make a sound.
Aw Hutch — why do you have to care so much about me? I’m causing you nothing but trouble partner. You have so much to live for, and you continue to stay here with me, an invalid, taking such good care of me. What did I do to deserve you buddy? I need you to let go of me Hutch. I don’t want to go back to a place like Country Meadows, but not all places are like that — I hope. There must be someplace they can put me, where I won’t be too much trouble. I just want to see you live buddy, and I know you’re not gonna as long as I’m like this, and I’m not getting any better — we both know that.
Starsky continued to cry silently, feeling desperate and helpless. He loved Hutch too much to have him babysitting a partner who could no longer back him up, have fun with him, double date, go for a walk with, without a wheelchair to push.
I tried Hutch — really I did. I just can’t seem to make these legs work the way they used to. I thought maybe there was a chance — but after I fell and made a fool of myself — well, I knew things were never gonna be the same. I’m so sorry blondie — so sorry.
~~~
Hutch sat on the steps outside on Starsky’s porch, engulfed in his own thoughts.
Buddy, you’re just not trying. I don’t know what more to do. How can I convince you that you’re not a burden to me huh? There’s no place else I’d rather be than right here helping you. You’re not eating, have no energy, no enthusiasm. You’d sleep all day if I let you, and I know you’re awake most of the night. Can’t fool me buddy, you think I don’t see these things, but I do. Maybe we need help partner. Maybe a therapist? I want to see you smile again Starsk — laugh — feel good about yourself and us. I know you can get better, but you have to want it. I’m not gonna let you give up no matter what. I left you once when you really needed me, but never again. We’re gonna make it through this one Starsk, just like we always have. ‘Me and Thee’ Starsk — remember?
Both men were lost in their own private hell, both needing each other desperately, but not knowing how to reach out at the moment.
Huggy pulled up in front of Starsky’s place and found a sullen blond, sitting on the steps with his head in his hands.
“Hey Hutch?”
“Huggy.”
“What are ya doing sitting out here by yourself?”
“Just thinking Hug.”
“How’s curly doin?”
“I don’t know Huggy, he’s closing up, building a wall — I can’t seem to reach him. I want to help him, but he’s pulling away from me.”
“Well, maybe the Bear can cheer him up. Brought him something he might like to eat — got him a burrito, with all the toppings he loves.”
“It might be too much for him Hug, he’s not used to eating that spicy stuff yet. Might be too soon.”
“Well, at least he might eat. Maybe it’ll bring his appetite back?”
Huggy disappeared through the door before Hutch could protest any more, and headed for Starsky’s room.
“Starsky? You awake?”
“No.”
“C’mon, I know you are. I brought you something I think you’ll like.”
“Yeah?”
Huggy pulled out the feast meant for one David Michael Starsky, not noticing that Starsky wasn’t jumping for joy. Starsky couldn’t help but be amazed at how Huggy could bring cheer to any situation, and smiled almost reluctantly.
“There you go bro! You need something real, not that seaweed that Hutchy’s been feedin ya. Go ahead, try it, its all yours.”
“Thanks Huggy. I don’t know–”
“Oh, go ahead, might make you feel better.”
Starsky started in on his package, not wanting to hurt Huggy’s feelings. Huggy just seemed too happy to help.
“So how you doing Starsk?”
“Okay I guess, just got some thinking to do. You open for business again after the shooting?”
“Yeh, things are settling down. Thanks for asking! I sometimes think life would be a lot easier, if I didn’t have to employ staff! But then I’d have to do all the work!” Huggy grinned, and Starsky found himself responding.
“So Starsk, you do know that too much thinking ain’t good for you. Besides, I thought blondie was the thinker of your partnership.”
“I’m holding him back Hug. He can’t go on like this.” Starsky hadn’t meant to say anything, but he knew that he could trust Huggy and he certainly wasn’t getting through to his partner.
“You makin his decisions for him now? Hey, Hutch wants to be here for you. I think it’s you who doesn’t think you can go on like this. You gotta try bro! I’ve seen the two of you get out of more messes than I can count. You’ll get out of this one too, but you have to try Starsky. I never thought of you as a quitter.”
Starsky couldn’t believe what he was hearing. First Hutch, now Huggy.
“What are you saying Hug?”
“It’s just that you don’t seem to be trying. Hutch is doing everything he can to help you and you’re shutting him out. He’s hurting Starsky, he needs you — can’t you see that? It’s not all about you curly! You gotta stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your butt moving! I don’t like seein’ blondie hurtin’. Neither do you normally! If anyone else hurt him, like you’ve been doin’… Well, I don’t have to say it do I!”
“Huggy!”
“No Starsk, you gotta snap outta this. Can’t you see how much he needs you too? He’s sinking right along with you and only you can help him. He needs you as much as you need him but you can’t see it. What’s gotten into you?”
Starsky was startled at the vehemence in Huggy’s voice. “You don’t think I’m holding him back?”
“The only way you could hold him back is if you stop trying and give up.”
“You think?”
“Yeah, I not only think bro, I know. Now why don’t you try to help him out huh?”
Starsky smiled at their dark best friend who once again brought him back to reality.
“Maybe I have been making things a little difficult for him.”
“A little! Give him a break and get yourself movin okay? It’ll do you both some good. Besides, I need my two best customers back. Business ain’t boomin’ at the moment!”
“Thanks Hug. Where is Hutch now?”
“Last time I saw him he was out on the porch, crying his eyes out over you.”
“C’mon Hug, no he wasn’t — was he?” Starsky was horrified. Had he really been that blind to Hutch’s pain? He only wanted to spare him, not hurt him.
“Not quite, but he’s very worried about ya!”
“Thanks Huggy, maybe I’ll lighten up on him and try harder.”
Starsky didn’t see Hutch standing in the doorway of his room. “I’d like that.”
“Hutch, I’m sorry. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself and have been pretty hard on you. I’ll try — if you’re still willing to put up with me.” Starsky grinned at him, not quite his full grin, but the closest he’d come to it for some time.
“’bout time buddy. I guess I can put up with you for a while longer, if I really have to!” It seemed like a long time since he’d been able to tease his partner and it felt good. At least it was a start.
Huggy quietly left the room, unnoticed by either man. His job was finished here for today. He prided himself as he watched his two best friends embrace, taking comfort in each other once more.
Chapter 10
It was a good day after all. Starsky’s spirits seemed better and along with Starsky, Hutch’s spirits seemed to rise too. Starsky even let Hutch help him get out of bed and take him out onto the porch.
“Hutch, you really think I’ll be able to walk again, like I used to?”
“I have no doubt buddy. As long as you’re willing to try, nothing’s gonna hold you back.”
“You’re the best Hutch, you know?”
“I know.” Hutch laughed. “You’re pretty darn great yourself. Glad to have you back partner.”
“You know–” Starsky went pale.
“Something wrong Starsk? You’re shaking. You okay?”
“I think I’m gonna be sick Hutch!”
Hutch grabbed for a bucket that was on Starsky’s porch and held it for his friend as he heaved over and over again.
“Try to relax buddy — you gonna be okay?”
“Uh huh. Shouldn’t have eaten that burrito.”
“You ate the whole thing?”
“Uh huh.”
“Starsk!”
“Hutch!” Starsky was heaving again.
“Lets get you back to bed buddy. I’ll get you something for your stomach.” Hutch helped a trembling Starsky back to bed and replaced the bucket with an emesis basin.
“Hold onto this Starsk. I’ll get some Pepto Bismo.”
“The pink stuff? I hate that Hutch.”
“You wanna feel better don’t you?”
“Yeah — get it — hurry!” Starsky continued to wretch until there was nothing left, but the dry heaves continued.
“Here you go buddy.” Starsky took the ‘pink stuff’ gratefully.
“I never want to see a burrito again.”
“You’re gonna be okay bronco. It’s back to eating the right stuff. You’re still not ready to go back to your old eating habits, not yet!”
“You mean back to your seaweed concoctions huh?”
“You got it partner.”
“Thanks Hutch.”
“You feeling better now?”
“Yeah, lots. You sure you want to put up with all of this?”
“No place else I’d rather be pal.”
“Can you stay with me for a while Hutch?”
“Sure buddy, I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’m really sorry for what I’ve been putting you through lately. I was just so caught up in my own mind and I wasn’t thinking of what all of this was doing to you. I wanted to spare you but I guess I lost sight of the fact that you don’t do anything you don’t want to! But I need you to know Hutch, that if this gets too be too much, then you’ve…”
“Enough of that Starsk! You’re stuck with me for good! Just don’t shut me out again okay? That hurts more than anything!”
“I can’t promise Hutch, but I’ll try. You deserve better and I’ll do my best. I’d like to see you get out more though, Huggy could stay with me while you’re out.”
“We’ll see. Maybe later. For now, I’m content to be here with you. There’s nowhere else I want to be. Want me to rub your back a little?”
“That might feel good. Thanks partner.”
“Then maybe later we can trim those long curly locks of yours.”
“Hutch — okay.” You really are the best Hutch. I’m very lucky.
Chapter 11
Mark had been working with Starsky for about a month now and Starsky was making some progress despite himself. Hutch and Mark both noticed that Starsky seemed to be trying harder, although it seemed to be more to please Hutch, than for himself. Although there was an improvement in his attitude, it seemed to be for Hutch’s benefit. His spirits did seem to lift at times, but those times were short lived. He was getting around with the assistance of a walker on his good days, and still used the wheelchair and help from Hutch on the not so good days. He smiled, but Hutch knew it was just a mask he was wearing. They never could hide things from the other and Hutch wondered why Starsky was trying to hide from him. It seemed that the basic stumbling block remained between them, and that was Starsky’s attitude towards himself and his belief that he was a burden. Starsky did a lot of pretending lately. He pretended that he didn’t have pain, when Hutch could see the pain in his face and sometimes caught a glance at Starsky with tears in his eyes, teeth clenched. He continued to sleep a lot during the day, and continued to lose weight as he still refused to eat much of anything, only enough to get by without Hutch pushing him. Even chocolate cake no longer appealed to him.
The wounds on Starsky’s back were improving as Hutch treated them meticulously a few times a day. Hutch had also taken over doing most of the range of motion exercises for Starsky and had him up to walk at least four times a day to gain strength and confidence. At other times he got Starsky out of bed and onto the couch so they could watch TV together. He wanted to take his partner out, to the park or just for a walk, but Starsky had blatantly refused, telling Hutch he was just too embarrassed to be seen out in the real world in a wheelchair. His real motive was that he did not want to embarrass Hutch, who would have to push him around like an invalid. His spirits were better than a couple weeks ago, but the spark had yet to return to Starsky’s eyes. Starsky was oblivious to the fact that Hutch too was suffering and thought that he was doing a good job hiding from him.
Starsky’s immune system was wearing down and he was giving up. He no longer seemed to care about anything. Anything but his partner that is, and he still felt he was holding Hutch back. He couldn’t shake his feelings of helplessness and frustration and he knew deep in his heart that this was no life for Hutch. It wasn’t for him either, but he had no choice in the matter. Hutch did. Even talking to his mother no longer lifted his spirits and he continued to refuse to see any of his friends including captain Dobey, Edith and the kids. The talk that he and Hutch had about “trying harder” worked for a while, but when Starsky did not see any rapid progress, he began to slip again. He wanted Hutch to be proud of him and felt once again that he was letting him down. He wanted so bad to get back to the life he once knew, the carefree, healthy life he shared with his partner. Starsky was harder on himself than anyone else could have been.
~~~
The time had come when Mark’s assignment had to end. He had spent two months doing home physical therapy with Starsky. Starsky was now able to get around with the assistance of a walker and handle himself pretty well. He was to start physical therapy with Dr. George Steinberg at his small private rehabilitation center on 19th street.
“Hutch, do I really have to go to see this guy? I’m getting around okay in here now. You can even move back home. I’ll be okay. I have the walker.”
“C’mon buddy, you’re not going to spend the rest of your life relying on a walker to get around. You’ve come so far, you can’t stop now. You have the chance to make a full recovery Starsk, and don’t start that talk of me leaving you alone again. Remember our talk? I’m staying until you’re at least 90% better. I don’t have to return to work yet and I want to be here with you — make sure you’re behaving yourself. End of conversation buddy.”
Starsky grinned at his beloved friend. “Okay.”
“C’mon, lets get you dressed, this is a big day for both of us. You’re gonna do great Starsk, nothing to be afraid of. Now get moving.”
Clothing felt odd to Starsky. It had been months since he felt the harsher material of his jeans. Pajamas and shorts had been the extent of his wardrobe. He had no reason to get dressed before and really didn’t care. It felt good to be dressed again.
~~~
Hutch helped Starsky into the professional looking building on 19th street, proud that Starsky was finally ready for the more intense therapy that would help get his friend back on his feet.
“Hutch?”
“What is it Starsk?”
“I’m scared.”
“I know. I’ll be right here. Nothin to be scared of Starsky. We’re only going to talk to Dr. Steinberg today.”
“Yeah, guess you’re right. Lets get this over with.”
Dr. Steinberg sat behind his desk ruffling through Starsky’s thick file, after introductions were exchanged. He wore thick black framed glasses, graying hair slicked back with some kind of ugly, greasy looking gel. Starsky looked apprehensively at Hutch when the doctor lit a cigarette and took off his wrinkled white professional coat, throwing it onto a dusty chair in the corner.
“Well David, I can see you’ve been through quite an ordeal. You’ve been working with Mark Collins at home for two months?”
“Yes sir.”
“How do you feel you’re doing?”
“Well, I can get out of bed by myself now. I can get around pretty good with the walker. My friend here helps me out on the bad days, but I think I’m doing okay.”
“Well, I can see we have a lot to work on. I won’t promise this will be easy. It’s hard work you know? Think you’re up to it?”
Hutch saw the near panic in Starsky’s eyes and the face that had lost all of its color.
“Doc, my partner has been through a lot and he’s come real far. He’s been working very hard with Mark. Mark said he is doing great.”
“I’m sure he is Ken. I’m just warning him that it’s not going to be easy work.”
Starsky was reaching his boiling point.
“Hey! Don’t talk about me like I’m not here! Just forget it! You can take your ‘hard work’ and shove it! Let’s go Hutch! I want to go home.”
“Starsky, wait. Doc? Can you give me some time alone with my partner?”
“Sure, take all of the time you need.” The doctor took his cigarette and left the room, slamming the door behind him, both men jumping at the banging of the door.
“Starsk, I know–”
“Hutch, get me out of here. I need to get out of here now. I don’t like him.”
“I know he seems strange Starsk, but he’s been recommended as being one of the best in his field. How about you just give him a try. If things don’t improve, in say a week, we’ll go somewhere else. I agree, his attitude is harsh and it sucks, but if he can help you–”
Starsky didn’t want to cause any trouble and honored Hutch’s request. The doctor did come highly recommended after all.
“Okay Hutch. I’ll try. Maybe he’s just having a bad day.” He didn’t really believe that and was feeling bad vibes but he wasn’t going to upset Hutch. Maybe it would work out.
“That’s the spirit buddy. So he needs a class in Personality 101, but as long as he gets you better, that’s what matters.”
Hutch felt just as reluctant as Starsky to trust this doctor, but with so much talk about how good he was and with his high success rate, Hutch was willing to give it a try, although he too felt uncomfortable. He wasn’t going to share his reservations with Starsky as he was worried that Starsky would just give up again.
“I’ll try on one condition Hutch — that while I’m here you’ll go and do something nice for yourself. Go to the park — visit Huggy — anything, but let this be a break time for you, okay?”
“I don’t think so Stars–”
“No! I insist. I’ll be okay here and it’s only for a couple of hours a day. I’d feel better if I knew you were having some time for yourself.”
Hutch was reluctant to accept these circumstances, but was afraid Starsky would back out for sure if he didn’t give him some space.
“We’ll try it your way Starsk, but I’m not venturing far.”
“Good.” Starsky tried to smile. Finally, Hutch will have some time to himself — a break from babysitting me.
Chapter 12
Starsky had made a decision to do the very best he could possibly do with his new physical therapist. He was going to make Hutch proud and he decided that not even the depression he was feeling was going to hold him back this time. He would try with all he had in him, to gain strength, coordination and eventually walk once again without the aid of a walker or cane. He was scared, but willing. He’d do anything for Hutch.
Dr. Steinberg assessed Starsky’s strengths and weaknesses, making a note in Starsky’s file without sharing that valuable information with his patient. Communication with his patient didn’t seem to be a high priority for this doctor and he made no attempts to get to know the real Starsky. Starsky picked up on this but he just wanted to get better so he figured he could put up with a rude doctor. So he decided not to make a fuss and to do just as the doctor ordered.
At least this treatment meant that Hutch had some time to himself, without needing to watch him. Starsky made his own assessment and could see how Steinberg might have achieved his good reputation. He was sure it came from young pretty girls and athletes who had sports injuries. No-one else seemed to matter to Steinberg. Each day Starsky sat in a chair with his walker in front of him ready for the “heavy workout” he was told about. Each day he sat in the waiting room along with other patients, mostly elderly people, and waited to be taken back into the therapy room. The elderly patients seemed to wait endlessly too, whereas the young girls, or athletic looking patients, seemed to go in very quickly. Each day he was made to wait and when he was eventually taken back for his therapy, the doctor had him lifting some weights to strengthen his arms and some range of motion exercises were done, not much else. He seemed to have no interest in making Starsky walk, and finally Starsky was forced to confront him. This happened at the end of the second week of therapy.
“Doc, I can lift weights and do the other exercises at home. I’m here to get better at walking aren’t I? We soon gonna start on that?”
“All in good time David — all in good time. You need to gain upper body strength if you’re going to be able to support yourself using the walker.”
“But doc, I’m here to get rid of the walker.” Starsky was caught short for words. He knew he was being neglected once again, but instead of fighting for his rights and respect, he let it go. He didn’t seem to warrant the care that he was seeking. Was that because the medical profession could see the truth? That he wasn’t worth anything? They weren’t blinded by the love and friendship that his partner felt towards him and perhaps they could see the truth. He was broken and wasn’t ever going to get better. His faith in the medical profession had grown weak and he continued to feel that it was just because he was “too much work” or that maybe “they” thought he didn’t have much hope of recovery anyway. At least I’m giving Hutch a break. I can take this for a couple hours each day. I’ll teach myself to walk if I have too and if I can’t, at least Hutch has some time to himself at long last. It doesn’t really matter if I can’t walk again. Maybe Hutch will have to face the truth before too long.
The best part of Starsky’s appointments with Dr. Steinberg was seeing Hutch’s smiling face at the end of his “therapy” sessions. Starsky felt that Hutch was cheerful because he finally had some time to himself, but Hutch was smiling because he felt the day must be coming when Starsky would be able to walk unaided again. Every appointment with Steinberg must bring that day closer. Starsky couldn’t tell him the truth — not until he made some decisions on what he was going to do and these decisions couldn’t be made yet, not on his own. The letter he’d asked Huggy to post for him secretly was only sent yesterday and he needed an answer to it before he decided anything.
“Well, how did you do today Starsk?”
“I did fine.”
“You showing ’em what you’re made of?”
“Yeah.”
“Something wrong buddy?”
“No, I’m just tired Hutch. Long session, you know. Hey, enough about me, did you go to the park?”
“Nah, went for groceries actually, and I have a surprise for you.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Hutch loved to see his partner smile.
“Well, you gonna tell me what it is?”
“If I tell you what it is Starsk, it won’t be a surprise. You’ll just have to wait.”
The rest of the ride home was quiet, Starsky was deep in thought about what Hutch could have got him or did for him. He knew Hutch was not going to give in and tell him, so he would have to wait and see. He almost forgot about the “surprise” and had dozed off in the car by the time they got home.
“Starsk? Hey buddy, we’re home.”
“Sorry, must’v dozed off.”
“Must have been some workout today huh?”
“Yeah — I’m kinda tired Hutch, you mind if I take a nap when we get inside?”
“I think that would be a good idea Starsk.”
Hutch helped Starsky up to the door of the apartment and then into the bedroom to get him settled.
“Hutch!” Starsky’s eyes lit up when he saw his own bed, in his own room, in his own apartment.
“Thought you might like that buddy. You don’t need that other bed anymore and this will be lots more comfortable for you.”
“I love it Hutch. Thanks.” Starsky noticed that Hutch’s twin bed was still there in its normal place, and relief washed over him. As much as he wanted Hutch to get back to his normal life, he also knew he would miss him terribly if he were not there. “You still stayin?”
“Of course. You don’t think that after all of this time, you can get rid of me that easy do you?”
“No.” Starsky smiled. “Hutch, thanks again for getting me my bed back, it looks so good. I think I wanna try it out.”
Hutch helped Starsky into bed, taking off his partner’s Adidas, then sat on the side of the more comfortable bed, next to his partner. “You sleep awhile. I’m gonna start dinner — I’ll wake you in a bit. I’m so proud of you buddy.”
“Hutch?” Starsky was about to discuss his situation regarding his therapy and Steinberg, but seeing Hutch happy dissuaded him. It seemed a long time since he’d seen Hutch so relaxed.
“Yeah?”
“Nothin — wake me up in a little bit okay?”
Hutch took Starsky’s hand, feeling that his partner needed reassurance, as did he. “Sure buddy. I’m right in the other room if you need anything.”
Chapter 13
Starsky had been going to Dr. Steinberg’s office for over a month now and so far had been able to hide the bad situation from Hutch. Most days he was left to lift more weights or instructed to do some other type of exercise, but he only got to the parallel bars a few times to gain strength in his legs. He did ask Steinberg day after day if he could use the parallel bars. Most of the time the doctor told him he would let him use the bars and help him, but that he had to see a “football injury” or some other type of sports injury first. If Starsky was lucky enough not to have a pretty young girl come into the office that day, he might get a chance to practice his walking. He was growing angry, as well as frustrated. He’d not had a response to his letter yet, so he could only assume that it had gone astray, or that John had moved again. He couldn’t believe that John would abandon him. He’d been a friend to him when he had been all alone in Country Meadows and had tried to help him end his life. He’d gone to Canada after Country Meadows had been exposed but had left a contact address for Starsky when it was apparent that Starsky was going to survive. He’d told him to call him if he ever needed anything and wished him luck. Starsky needed him, he needed someone outside of ‘me and thee’ to help him, so he’d written. Hutch didn’t know about either letter and although Starsky didn’t like keeping secrets from his best friend, he knew that Hutch would be seriously spooked by him writing to John. He wasn’t seeking help to commit suicide. Even on his darkest days, he knew now that he couldn’t do that to Hutch, but he also couldn’t live like this, holding back Hutch. He believed that John would help them both. In the meantime, he needed to deal with his current situation with therapy and his non-progress.
“Doc, you have a minute?”
“What is it David?”
“Why aren’t you helping me with my walking? I’m not gonna get better just lifting weights all of the time or doing the same exercises over and over. I need to be at those bars. I’m losing strength in my legs by not doing anything!”
“David, calm down. Last time we had you at the bars, you fell. Remember?”
“Of course I remember. I haven’t lost my mind yet but right now, I feel like I’m getting weaker instead of stronger. I need to walk damn it! I know that the sports injuries are more important to you and the pretty girls, but I need help too.”
“David, I’ll work with you on the parallel bars today okay? I try to fit the others in first because they have a sport to get back to, it’s their livelihood, and their future depends on getting better fast. It’s important to them. Frankly David, it doesn’t seem as important to you…”
“In other words, I don’t have a livelihood or a future — and I’m not important? You bastard!”
“David, I’m not saying you’re not important but the damage you’ve sustained has been enormous. You’re never going to be 100% and to be honest David, you don’t have a future to fight for, and you don’t seem to care.”
Starsky felt sick at the cruel words. It was one thing for him to think these things about himself, but quite another for someone else to tell him. He forgot his limitations and went to jump on the irresponsible doctor. His legs gave out on him almost immediately and he went down hard, hitting his head on the exercise table and falling onto a stack of heavy weights. He lay there for what seemed like hours, holding onto his side, his back was hurting and his head was pounding. He made no attempt to get up, feeling that he had made a fool of himself once again and felt totally defeated.
Dr. Steinberg helped him back onto the exercise table and had him lie down.
“You okay David?” The doctor acted as though nothing happened and made no attempt to examine his patient. No one else had been in the room at the time and he knew what happened would be his word against Starsky’s. He doubted that Starsky would be complaining any time soon.
“Just leave me alone okay. I’m fine. Just get away from me.”
In reality, Starsky was not fine. His ribs and back were badly bruised and he had a lump on his head. He was humiliated once more and knew there wasn’t anything he could do about it. He didn’t want Hutch to know what happened and how he had been neglected over the past month. Hutch was just too happy that he was out, “getting better” and he felt that the free time that Hutch had now was doing him good, even if it was for just a couple of hours a day. He got himself up, not without a struggle, and feeling sore and defeated, and with no help from the “good” doctor, made it to a bench outside of the office to wait for Hutch. Seeing the old, beat up LTD gave Starsky a sense of relief. At least one person cared about him and loved him, surely that counted for something. He was not about to let that person down, whatever the cost to himself.
“Hi Starsk!”
“Hi Hutch.”
“How’d it go today?”
“It went all right. Lots of activity.” Today that was not a lie.
“You okay? Looking a little pale partner.”
“Stomach is a little upset. Think I wanna stay home for a couple days. Just need a break, that’s all.”
“You’ve been working really hard Starsk, I think you deserve a break. Did you tell Dr. Steinberg?”
“I think he knows I won’t be coming back — for a couple days. Can you take me home now Hutch?”
“Unless you want to go dancing, home it is.”
That night Starsky insisted on getting himself ready for bed alone. His entire body hurt from the fall he’d taken at therapy and large purple bruises were already present. Not to mention the lump on his head. Luckily he didn’t knock his head open again. There would be no hiding that one from his overprotective partner. He hated keeping things from Hutch — that was not the way they worked, but he felt that hiding these things from Hutch would only be for his own good. How he wished that John would write to him. Everything seemed so difficult for him then.
~~~
Starsky had been avoiding therapy for two days now and was still very sore. He also felt a sore throat coming on and didn’t even feel like getting out of bed.
Starsky had a bad sore throat for days before he had to tell Hutch. He only admitted it then as it was getting difficult for him to swallow. Hutch noticed how he was struggling to swallow even liquids and was fighting worry. The sore throat soon turned into a bad cold. To say that Starsky was miserable would have been an understatement. He didn’t complain, as usual, he felt he deserved whatever bad happened to him these days. Even when his chest and back started to hurt and he was having trouble catching his breath, he continued to do a wonderful job of concealing that from his partner too. He didn’t want to cause any more work for his friend, the friend who would do anything in the world for him. Starsky appreciated and loved Hutch for all that he had given up to care for him, and because of that, he tried to keep his complaining to the bare minimum. He thought back to a couple years ago when he got a bad cold and how Hutch had been there to nurse him back to health that time. That cold wasn’t even that bad and Starsky had played it up, wanting the attention and TLC. If only things were that simple now.
Chapter 14
That night Hutch heard Starsky coughing and moaning in his sleep, almost crying. He was at his partner’s side immediately. He turned on the bedside lamp and noticed that Starsky was shivering. He felt his forehead and realized that Starsky was burning up.
“Starsky? Hey buddy, wake up for me.”
“Huh?”
“Hey buddy, you’re burning up. What’s wrong? You feeling bad?”
“Just a cold Hutch, nothing to worry about–” Starsky’s explanation was cut short by another bout of coughing. “I’m cold Hutch.”
Hutch went for the thermometer and a cool washcloth. He put the thermometer under Starsky’s tongue, covered him with an extra blanket and bathed his face with the cool cloth.
“103.9! Starsky, you’ve got a fever, you’re not okay. I’m calling the doctor.”
“Hutch, please don’t. It’ll go away. I’m okay — really.” Starsky’s voice was very hoarse, almost a whisper.
Starsky tried to get up and that’s when Hutch saw the bruises on Starsky’s back and rib area.
“What the hell happened to you buddy! Why didn’t you tell me about this? What’s going on?”
“Hutch — I didn’t want to–”
“Didn’t want to what? What the hell has been going on? These bruises are a couple days old. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t want to be any trouble Hutch. I’ll be okay — really. Stop worrying.”
Hutch abruptly left the room and made a call to their family doctor, a man they did trust.
“Doc, this is Ken Hutchinson. David is sick — he has a high temperature, he can hardly talk, is wheezing and having trouble catching his breath. I know it’s late, but do you think you could come over and see him. I’m worried.”
“Ken, don’t worry. I’ll be there in 20 minutes.”
Doctor Barret arrived in 15 minutes and let himself in through the open door.
“Ken, David? It’s doc Barret.”
“In here doc.” Hutch called from the bedroom.
“He’s burning up doc. I think it’s more that just a cold and he must have fallen, he has some pretty bad bruises on his back and ribs. Can you take a look at those too?”
“Sure Ken, let me have a look.”
Dr. Barret examined Starsky and diagnosed him with pneumonia and possibly strept throat. He also found the bump on Starsky’s head. Starsky just closed his eyes when the doctor told Hutch about that.
“David, I want to admit you to the hospital. I want you to have a chest x-ray to confirm that this is pneumonia and I’m going to order a series of other x-rays of your back, ribs and a skull x-ray to rule out any fractures. I’m going to order breathing treatments and medicine to take care of the pneumonia and run some other tests as well.”
“No — I don’t want to go back to the hospital — please.” Starsky began to cry, partially out of delirium from the climbing fever, and also from feeling helpless and defeated once more. This is exactly what he did not want. He now felt that he let Hutch down once again.
“Starsk, it will only be for a couple days. Doc just wants to make sure you’re okay and we want to see you get well. I wish you would’ve said something to me before now partner.”
“I can call an ambulance for David if you want me to Ken.”
“No, I’ll take him. Thanks doc.”
Chapter 15
Hutch sat by the bed watching Starsky sleep. His heart was breaking with the pain that he was feeling for his partner. How much more could a body take, even one as strong and as resilient as Starsky’s. What did the bruises on his body mean? Not wanting to be any trouble? Why were they having these communication difficulties. They’d had their differences over the years but never before, had they not been able to communicate properly. Even the Kira fiasco had been a temporary hitch only. This seemed a lot more serious, with Starsky having trouble believing that he wasn’t a burden. He couldn’t seem to comprehend what had always been a fundamental understanding between them — their deep friendship and bond. They’d never questioned how much they meant to each other, with the possible exception of the Kira debacle. Hutch still didn’t really understand how that had happened but in view of the turmoil of Gunther’s shooting and now this accident, it seemed irrelevant. Starsky had forgiven him and had coped with the aftermath of the shooting and having to lean on him. He’d never doubted how much Hutch loved him then, so why now? It must be the lingering effects of Country Meadows. Hutch looked at the sleeping face and wondered how he could get through to him once and for all. It seemed as if when he was talking to Starsky, Starsky was listening but just not getting it.
“Oh buddy, you’re so stubborn! But I am going to win this battle of wills and you’re going to realize that you’re no trouble. You are my life David Michael Starsky, and you have to understand! I’d give my right arm if I could turn back the clock, firstly to your fall but if I couldn’t go back that far, then I’d go back to when you were moved to Country Meadows. Those bastards have made you question your worth but I won’t have that! You’re worth more than anything in the world to me and somehow I’m gonna make you see that. We are gonna talk about those bruises too! How could you hide them from me?” Hutch found tears were starting to fall as he realized the amount of pain that Starsky must have felt.
The nurses were in and out of Starsky’s room constantly, adjusting IV’s, changing sheets damp from the fever, administering medications and breathing treatments for the pneumonia and packing him in ice at times as the fever continued to climb to dangerous levels. In Starsky’s coherent moments he would try to get himself out of bed, unsuccessfully, and call for Hutch over and over. Hutch never left his partner’s bedside and continued to try and calm his agitated, restless friend. How much was getting through he was not sure.
“Starsk, I’m right here buddy. You tryin’ to give these pretty nurses a hard time?”
“Hutch!”
“Right here — right here” Hutch moved closer and sat on the side of the bed, not letting go of the hands that were reaching for him, seeming not to know he was there. “C’mon buddy, listen to me, I’m not gonna leave you and you’re gonna be okay, but you need to calm down and let the nurses do their work.”
“No! They don’t care! They’re just gonna let me lay here! I’m cold — please cover me! I don’t wanna be here! John! Talk to me John. Hutch! Where is Hutch?” Starsky’s anxiety and agitation was climbing. He was having some pretty bad dreams because of the high fever.
Oh God — you’re remembering Country Meadows. Just what did those bastards do to you there? It must have been awful for you babe. I’m so sorry– Hutch was becoming as emotional as his partner and found tears when he thought there were none left.
Chapter 16
It had been two days since Starsky was admitted to the hospital. Hutch refused to leave his side and was wearing down himself. His head was pounding and he was so tired. He continued to sponge Starsky’s face and neck with the cool washcloth in the basin next to the bed and talk to his friend soothingly, hoping Starsky was hearing him.
“C’mon sleepyhead, I could really use someone to talk to. Guess you think you’re pretty hot stuff huh? Well, it’s time you cool off buddy and get that temperature down. C’mon babe, I’m worried about you.” Realizing his words were not being heard, Hutch sat back in the chair, stretched his aching neck and put his head in his hands. He was worried, even though the doctor said Starsky would be okay with some rest and the medications. His worry was not only about Starsky’s physical condition, but even more about his emotional state. He had never seen Starsky as depressed as he had been in the past couple of months. Starsky’s depression was taking its toll on him too. He hurt with and for Starsky, and he knew they couldn’t go on as they were. Something had to give.
“Starsky — just rest. I’ll be here when you wake up. I need you buddy.”
“He needs you too.” A soft and gentle voice came from behind Hutch.
Hutch turned to see a tall, kind looking man standing in the doorway to Starsky’s room. Somehow he felt a connection with this man, but he knew he’d never seen him before.
“What? Do I know you?”
“Kind of, in a round about way.”
“Who are you?”
“I’m sorry, my name is John Martin. I’m a friend of David’s. I got this letter and, well, didn’t have time to write back and I wanted to see David again. He’s a good man, you’ve got a good friend. I’ve heard so much about you Mr. Hutchinson.”
“Ken, you can call me Ken.” Hutch was still a bit confused as to the connection between Starsky and this John Martin. He thought he knew all of Starsky’s friends, certainly the ones who knew about him.
“Ken, I saw David’s doctor out at the nurses station. He said David is going to be all right, but he has a long way to go yet.”
“Yeah, he’s so uncomfortable, can’t seem to get the fever down. I don’t think he knows I’m here.”
“Don’t worry Ken, David is a strong man. He and I had many long talks and all he seemed to talk about was you. It’s good to finally meet you Ken. He looks up to you. Did you know that? He really loves you. Wouldn’t even allow visitors so you wouldn’t see or hear what he was going through. I tried to change his mind, but he can be pretty stubborn.”
“Stubborn? Now that’s an understatement. Starsky can–”
“You okay Ken?”
“John — John Martin? From Country Meadows?” Hutch wasn’t sure what his initial feeling was. This man had been a good friend to his partner, but he’d also tried to assist him to kill himself. John sensed Hutch’s agony and walked over to him and put his hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently. It was an intimate gesture for a stranger, but John felt a connection to this man that stemmed from his friendship with Starsky. He’d seen first hand just how much Starsky loved Hutch and he knew that Hutch had to have mixed feelings at meeting him. Somehow he couldn’t doubt that Starsky had told his partner about him and how he’d tried to help.
“Yes Ken, from Country Meadows. Don’t worry.” That was all but Hutch understood the message. John had a compelling air about him and Hutch instinctively trusted him.
“John, it’s nice to meet you.” Hutch wasn’t sure what else to say.
“What’s going on?” He looked at Hutch and noted the worn, tired appearance. He seemed more than tired, he seemed defeated. “Wanna talk? Looks like he’ll be out of it for awhile.”
Hutch was reluctant to leave Starsky. “I don’t really want to leave him. I don’t want him to wake up alone.”
“I can understand but if we talk here, we could disturb him. I’d really like to know what’s been happening with him. I grew to care a lot about him.”
Hutch grinned at him, grateful for the friendship this man had extended to his partner.
“Yeah, he’s like that. Annoying and aggravating but you still end up caring about him!” Hutch found himself breaking down, and before he could protest he was pulled out of the room. Struggling to control himself, he didn’t see John speaking to a nurse before he was shepherded into a small waiting room. A cup of coffee was handed to him and he looked up in gratitude at his helper.
“I didn’t know David for long, but the one thing that I learned about him was how much you mean to him. I know this isn’t an easy time for either of you, but I’d hoped that he would be on the road to recovery by now. I figured by this letter that things haven’t been great.”
“Letter?” Hutch looked blank and John realized that Starsky hadn’t told him.
“David wrote to me. I guess he was feeling pretty down.”
“Yeah, he wouldn’t come out and tell me! John, he’s not talking to me, not like he should! He’s convinced that he’s a burden to me and it doesn’t seem to matter what I say! I guess you’re wondering why I let him stay in Country Meadows, but–”
“Ken, I might have wondered at first, how you could do that, but it didn’t take me long to realize that it must have been a huge misunderstanding. Dave’s own state of mind told me a lot and the depth of his friendship for you told me the rest. I think you’d better read the letter Ken!”
Hutch took the letter carefully, almost scared to read it. He almost felt that he was betraying Starsky but he needed to know what was going on with him. They were heading for even more disasters if they didn’t sort themselves out soon.
Dear John,
I’m sorry to bug you but you did tell me in your note that I could write to you. John, this is so hard and I don’t know what to do. Remember I told you about my best friend, well he’s living with me and trying to help me get back on my feet. I know he loves me, but he’s given up his life to help me and I don’t seem to be getting any better. I’ve tried to tell him that it would be best if I went into a rehab center but he won’t hear of it. I figure they’re not all as bad as Country Meadows. John, I need your advice. I don’t know what to do or how to tell Hutch what is really in my heart. I slipped up before and told him that I was sorry the morphine hadn’t worked. That wasn’t true, not really, but we can’t go on like this. Please help me, help us! I don’t know who else to ask.
Your friend,
David Starsky
Hutch almost felt the desperation that was behind the letter and his heart broke again. He looked in despair at John.
“He thinks he’s a burden John, but he’s not. I love him, he’s my best friend and partner, closer to me than a brother ever could be. But I can’t get through to him! I know he’s only been trying for me and it’s like he doesn’t count any more. John, I need help too, I need you to help me make him understand.”
John saw that Hutch was at the end of his rope and his heart went out to him. How had these two great friends gotten so lost?
“Ken, I know that David felt like he was useless and finished when he was in Country Meadows. The neglect he suffered caused a lot of damage to an already shaky ego. When I heard the morp…” He stopped, not really wanting to touch on that particular topic but Hutch was staring at him as if he was a lifeline.
“When I heard that he was back home with you, I thought that he was going to be okay and that you must have gotten through to him somehow. Obviously he’s feeling that he’s not getting better. What are the doctors saying?”
Hutch paused, thinking about what John was saying to him. “The doctors are saying that there’s no physical reason why he shouldn’t get back to normal. Obviously it will be a long haul but with determination he’ll get there. The thing is John, the therapy is so hard for him and he gets so tired. I know what he’s been through and how weak he still is but the therapy wears him out and he’s so discouraged. He only tries for my sake, when I try to make him feel guilty, but his heart isn’t in it, not for the right reasons. I can’t help but think that’s why progress isn’t as good as it should be. He got on really well with Mark, the home therapist, but he took a dislike to Dr Steinberg and seems to have ground to a halt again. He’s got bruises on his body that he didn’t tell me about and he’s been avoiding going back to therapy. I don’t even know how the bruises got there but they’re bad. He must have fallen but why the secrecy? I was going to visit Steinberg but then he got really sick and we’ve ended up back here. John, I just don’t know what to do.” Hutch leant forward and put his head in his hands, not even reacting when John started patting his shoulder.
“Ken, I don’t know this Dr Steinberg but if there isn’t a good rapport between the therapist and patient, then the therapy isn’t going to be as effective. I know there are probably no medical facts to support that but I’ve been around hospitals for years now and I’ve noticed these things. I like people Ken and I observe what happens.”
“But Steinberg is the best! He came so highly recommended; otherwise we would have gone somewhere else. To be honest I didn’t like him either, and thought he was a pompous jerk but if he can help Starsk, then I can get past my dislike.”
“I don’t care if Steinberg is the best Ken. He’s not the best for David and that’s what’s important. David needs positive influences around him to snap him out of his depression and I think that we should look for another therapist, someone that you both relate to. It’s also possible that David realized you didn’t like Steinberg and I know him well enough to realize that your attitude would affect his. We’ll get him on his feet first and over this pneumonia and then look around. I’m going to stay around for a bit if you don’t mind.”
“If I don’t mind!” Hutch was overcome. He’d never needed help caring for his partner before but he knew that they were both struggling to stay afloat. Maybe John could help, that is as long as he understood that…
“Ken, we’re way past that point. David has come too far to give up now and neither of us are going to let him. He’s made better progress than I would have imagined when I first met him at Country Meadows. Let’s go back and sit with him and start with the positive vibes! He needs all he can get.”
Chapter 17
Hutch and John made their way back to Starsky’s room only to find two nurses tending to him, one holding him on his side while the other held the emesis basin. Starsky was vomiting and calling for Hutch.
“Hey, Starsk? I’m here buddy, right here.” Hutch took the hand that was searching for his. “You’re gonna be okay Starsky , gonna be okay.” Hutch looked at the nurses, searching for answers and help. He couldn’t even contemplate Starsky not surviving this. After surviving so much, how could he die now?
“We’ve already called the doctor Mr. Hutchinson. He’s on his way. David is on some pretty strong medications and nausea and vomiting are not uncommon with pneumonia.”
Within minutes another nurse came into the room and gave Starsky a shot of Compazine to combat the nausea and vomiting. Starsky continued to tremble and hold on tight to Hutch’s hand.
“Just shoot me okay? Animals get more mercy! I’m tired of all of this! I don’t want it anymore!” Starsky’s anger soon turned to tears. Even in his desperation, he could see the effect that this had on his partner and he hated himself even more.
“You know I was only kidding don’t you Hutch? It’s just that I’m so tired and I don’t know what else can go wrong.”
“Aw Starsk, it’s not always gonna be this way. You’ll see, things are gonna get better.”
“When Hutch? When will I get my life back?”
The vomiting had stopped and the nurses already had Starsky cleaned up, changed and left the room, all without either man noticing.
“I promise it’ll get better buddy. You gotta fight all of this. I’m sorry you got sick Starsk.”
“Why are you sorry? Did you make me get pneumonia or sick in the stomach?” Starsky was trying to pull himself together, realizing just how badly this was hitting Hutch.
“No.” Hutch grinned. He was glad that Starsky still had a sense of humor at times. He actually felt he had the old Starsky back for a moment.
“Hey, someone is here to see you.”
“I don’t want to see anyone Hutch, and I don’t want anyone to see me.”
“C’mon Starsk, John came a long way to see you.”
“John!”
John stepped over to the bed, taking Starsky’s other hand with one hand and running his fingers through the thick curls with his other.
“Hi David. Your hair has gotten so long! Gonna wear it in a ponytail?”
Starsky chuckled through the tears in his eyes. “That’s what Hutch said too. He was gonna give me a haircut, but then I ended up in here. One thing happened after another. I’m so glad you came John! We need you.”
“I’m glad I came too. I’m going to be around for a while. I’ll do whatever I can for you and your partner. Ken and I had a long talk while you were sleeping.”
“You did?” Starsky’s eyes became wide with apprehension.
“Don’t worry David.”
John had a magnetism about him. He was a strong man. Starsky thought of John as an emotional skyscraper. He was counting on him to help both himself and Hutch. He now realized that Hutch needed help as much as he did.
“We’re both glad you’re here John.” Hutch smiled at his partner and then John, as he began to smooth a cool cloth over Starsky’s hot forehead. He tried not to feel threatened by John’s presence but he still wasn’t sure how they’d ended up in this position. They’d never needed anyone else before.
“Didn’t I tell ya he was a great guy John?” Starsky looked into his partner’s caring blue eyes.
“You sure did David.” John winked at Hutch.
Starsky felt a sliver of hope with John’s presence. He had to be able to do something to help. His eyes shifted to his partner as he saw Hutch close his eyes tight and rub his temple with his free hand.
“You okay Hutch?”
“Huh?” Hutch was caught off guard.
“Hutch? What’s wrong?”
“Oh, I’m okay Starsk, just a little headache.” In reality it was more than a little headache. He didn’t want to worry Starsky, but the headache was bad, a migraine. He was determined to get through it without worrying his partner. “It’ll go away.”
Starsky was happy to see John and seemed to relax a bit. Hutch was content to listen to John and Starsky talk and was happy to hear a note of cheerfulness in his partner’s voice. He soon drifted off to sleep in the chair next to Starsky’s bed, only waking when Starsky’s clear liquid dinner was brought in.
“Hey Hutch? Buddy, why don’t you go home and get some rest? You’ve been here with me almost all of the time for the past two days. Take care of that headache.”
Hutch was ready to protest when a bout of nausea hit him hard. “You sure you’ll be okay Starsk?”
“I’ll be okay Hutch. I know these headaches are bad for you. You need rest. John and I have a lot to talk about.”
“Okay, if you’re sure. I’ll be back first thing in the morning.” Hutch felt a pang of jealousy. Why is it a total stranger, almost, can make Starsky feel better? He looks more cheerful than he has for a long time. What’s happening to us? Hutch got up to leave.
“Go on, get out of here Hutch. I’ll see you in the morning partner.”
“Okay. ‘Night John, night Starsk.”
“Night Hutch.”
Chapter 18
Hutch made his way home and took a hot shower. He thought about John Martin. He liked the guy and wanted and needed his help, but it still bothered him that John could get through to Starsky, when he could not. He took four aspirin, got some ice for his head and went to bed. He felt odd being at home with the bed next to his being empty. Aw Starsk, please don’t stop trusting me — have some faith in me — I need you buddy, more than you know.
Sleep did not come easily for the blond and when he finally was able to drift off, it was only into a nightmare.
“Starsky? Starsky, please don’t do this! Please! I’m not gonna make it without you.”
“Sorry Hutch, we just don’t connect anymore.”
“Starsky!”
“No Hutch, it’s over. We had a lot of good years. Don’t cry Hutch, you’ll be okay. John is my partner now. He’s gonna help me. I can’t live this way anymore, you know that as well as I do.”
“No! Damn it! You’re not gonna leave me like this! You’re takin’ the easy way out! I have no way out! I need you to stay with me buddy!”
“Goodbye Hutch. I’ve loved you and we were good once. Remember that, hold onto that, okay? I’m sorry–“
Hutch could not move and was left to watch as Starsky took the morphine that John handed to him. Starsky slipped into a coma. All Hutch could do was watch, screaming, begging and pleading for his partner not to do this. He watched as Starsky stopped breathing forever.
“NO!!!!!!” Hutch jolted awake and sat up, in a cold sweat, gasping for breath, feeling sick. It was only a dream Hutchinson! Get a hold of yourself damn it!
Hutch sat, looking at the empty bed beside him, wondering how Starsky was doing. He called the nurses station to inquire.
“You don’t have to be sorry for calling Mr. Hutchinson, David is doing fine. He’s been asleep for most of the night so far and that’s an improvement. I’ll tell him you called.”
Hutch replaced the receiver, feeling alone, scared and sick. His headache was no better, it was actually worse. He rushed into the bathroom and sank down in front of the toilet, losing all of the contents in his stomach. When the heaving stopped he sat on the floor, letting the cold tiles brace him up, trying to regain control. He couldn’t remember his head ever hurting this badly. There was a knock on the door. He tried to ignore it, but when it would not go away he gave in and pulled himself up to see who was there.
“Huggy? What are you doing here? It’s after midnight.”
“You’re usually up, thought maybe you could use some eats. You’ve been spending most all of your time with Curly at the hospital and, well, you’ve been looking exhausted. You’re not taking care of yourself Hutchinson. You gotta eat, and from the looks of it, you gotta get some rest. You okay? You’re looking pretty pale.”
Huggy took the food into the kitchen and turned on the bright light.
“No! No more lights Hug! It’s too bright.”
“You tryin’ to save on the electric bill or something?”
“Or something. Got a headache Hug, the light hurts my eyes.”
Hutch turned back into the living room and sank onto the couch, covering his eyes with a pillow.
“Hey Hutch, it’s a pretty bad one huh?”
“Yeah, one of the worst!”
“You take anything for it?”
“Yeah — nothing helps.”
Hutch jumped up and raced back to the bathroom for another meeting with the toilet. Huggy followed — concerned for his friend. He stood just outside of the bathroom door.
“Hutch? You gonna be okay? I’m not real good with this stuff.” Huggy was starting to feel ill himself. “I think you need some help man. Let me call your doctor.”
Hutch knew he was not going to beat this round and let Huggy call Dr. Barret. He wanted to feel better by morning so he could be at the hospital bright and early for Starsky.
Huggy helped Hutch back into bed and waited with him until Dr. Barret arrived. “You’ve been under a lot of stress blondie, no wonder you’re getting these headaches again.” He got no reply and could only be there for the man who was holding onto his head, unconsciously crying from the pain. Dr. Barret finally arrived to Huggy’s relief.
Dr. Barret knew what to expect and came prepared. He had been treating Hutch for migraine headaches for years and was surprised with all of the stress in his life here late, that he had not seen the blond sooner.
“Ken? It’s doc Barret. Pretty bad one huh?”
“Yeah.” Hutch mumbled from under the pillow covering his head.
Dr. Barret got two syringes ready, knowing exactly what his patient needed.
“Whao!” Huggy sat up straight, becoming suddenly very protective of his agonizing friend. “He, he’s afraid of needles doc. Do you have to do that?”
“It’s okay Huggy, doc Barret knows about Monk and his… It’s okay really. I need this medicine. It won’t hurt me Hug.”
Huggy helped the doctor turn Hutch onto his side, exposed his hip and administered the medicine. Hutch still jumped when the needles pierced his skin. The memories of what he had gone through at the hands of Forrest would never leave him.
“Okay Ken, I gave you one for the pain and one for the nausea. They should do the trick. You get some rest now okay? Call me if you still have the pain tomorrow.”
“Thanks doc. I really appreciate it.”
Huggy stayed with Hutch, afraid to leave him alone. He sank into Starsky’s empty bed, thinking of all that his two friends had been through in the past few months and soon drifted off to sleep himself.
Chapter 19
Huggy woke up with a start. It was still dark but something had woken him and he heard the sounds of movement from the kitchen. Hutch had obviously risen very early.
“Hey Hutch, how ya doin’?”
“Better thanks Hug. Thanks for stayin’.” Hutch managed to grin at Huggy but Huggy saw behind the grin and realized that Hutch was still in some discomfort.
“Come on Hutch, who you tryin’ to fool? Get back to bed!”
“I’m okay Hug. Just getting a drink”
“Yeah, sure you’re better. You look like you’re about to collapse blondie. Back to bed, I’ll get your drink!” Hutch looked at his friend gratefully as he returned to the bedroom. It was nice to have someone take charge, even though it couldn’t last.
He moved back to his bed and lay down, with his arm over his eyes, wincing from the pain. It was considerably better than it had been but there was still a slight, residual pain from the migraine. It wasn’t eased by the thought of Starsky, and John. He jumped slightly at the feel of a cool cloth being held to his forehead, and he moved his arm so that he could look into the eyes of his other friend.
“What’s up Hutch? Wanna talk?”
Suddenly he did want to talk, to talk to someone who would understand and not judge him. He needed to unload some of his burden. It felt wrong, he knew he should talk to Starsky, but how could he dump on him?
“Dunno Hug. Everything’s a mess. Even before Starsky got sick and ended up in the hospital. He says he’s trying, but he’s trying for me and not for himself. He was covered in bruises but I don’t know how he got them…” his voice broke.
“I thought we’d covered this and things were better.”
“In a way they are, I mean, he is trying but it’s for me. He still thinks he’s a burden and holding me back. If he’s trying to get better, it’s so I can have my life back, not him. Now, John Martin has shown up…”
Huggy frowned. He’d heard the name but couldn’t place it.
“He made friends with Starsky when he was at that hellhole called Country Meadows!”
“You should be pleased that he cares for Starsky and has come to see him.”
“I am! But it hurts Hug, hurts that Starsky can talk to him so much more openly than he can with me. What’s happened to ‘me and thee’?” Hutch was struggling for control, knowing that he was being selfish in begrudging Starsky any comfort he could find, but unable to control his emotions, especially when he was feeling so sick and weak.
“‘Me and thee’ are still there Hutch. You’re both just a bit battered at the moment. The fact that Starsky loves you so much and is thinking about you shows that. You’re just not connecting at the moment and I’m thinkin’ that maybe this John character might be what you need. None of us know what Starsky went through at Country Meadows, but John does. He’s obviously questioning his worth but maybe John can get through to him. It kinda makes sense that someone who saw Starsky through that terrible time would be able to get through to him.”
Hutch looked at Huggy with new hope. Maybe he was right. He knew he was being irrational in worrying about losing Starsky to John and he could see how much John cared about his partner. It was just so difficult.
“Hug, you’re probably right, it’s just — We’re not used to needing anyone else. He told me before that he thought this was too big for us! God Hug, what if he’s right?” He pulled himself up. “No he’s not right Hug. We can beat this and if he needs John, then he’s gonna have him. I wish I knew how to get through to him and make him realize how much I love him.”
Huggy placed his hand on Hutch’s forehead and looked into his eyes.
“Believe me when I say that he does. If there’s anything in this world that I don’t doubt, it’s that. You two have got to have a talk and will. Now, it’s still too early to see him, and your head is still hurting, so go to sleep! I’ll drive you over in the morning. Kinda like to meet this John character myself!”
Hutch gripped Huggy’s hand. “Thanks Hug” and he finally closed his eyes and allowed himself to fall asleep.
Huggy watched Hutch sleeping, wondering as John had earlier, how these two had become so lost. However, he had every faith that they’d get back on track. They would, even if he had to knock their heads together first. He hated seeing Hutch suffering and he knew that he was. He’d seen the gradual deterioration since Starsky had come home and he was sure that it was as much emotional as physical. Starsky had a long way to go, and none of them had kidded themselves that it would be easy, but Huggy for one, hadn’t predicted the problems with their relationship, with a possible communication breakdown. He’d seen them through many difficult times, and traumatic ordeals, but the one constant had been the deep bond between them. It now seemed that the bond was acting as a barrier. He hoped that John Martin, whoever he was, would be able to make them see sense. Of course, Starsky had to recover from pneumonia first and he didn’t even want to consider the mess that Hutch would be in if this didn’t happen.
Hutch was still pale and tired looking when they finally got up but he managed a grin for Huggy. He was grateful for Huggy’s friendship and sometimes felt he didn’t show it enough. When he brought Starsky home, they’d work out something that they could do for him.
They drove in silence to the hospital. Hutch had phoned before they left and had discovered that Starsky had spent a peaceful night and that his condition was gradually improving. Hutch wondered if John’s presence had helped, and if John had spent the night but he shook his head at the thought. He knew that nothing mattered except Starsky’s recovery. If John could help him, then that was well and good. He sighed and wondered if they would ever get through this dark period.
Chapter 20
Starsky was dozing as they went in but woke up to smile at Hutch. His smile faded slightly as he saw how tired his partner was looking. Hutch on the other hand was relieved to see a marked improvement with Starsky.
“Hey blintz, you doin’ okay?”
“Yeah Starsk. Fine.” Hutch found it difficult to look at Starsky who looked at Huggy in concern.
“Hi Starsk. Glad to see you’ve decided to return to the land of the livin’.” Starsky watched them both in puzzlement. Something was wrong.
“Is, er, John still here?” Hutch managed to speak.
“He left shortly after you did blintz. He’s comin’ back later today.”
“Of course he is.” Hutch looked away and Starsky caught Huggy’s eye. He realized that something was going on.
“Hug, you should meet John. He’s great.”
“Yeah Starsk. Sure he is.” Starsky looked hurt until he came to a conclusion about what was happening. He knew he had to fix this but was suddenly overcome with tiredness.
“Hutch, we’ve gotta talk but later huh?” Already his eyes were closing and he didn’t see the expression on his partner’s face, but Huggy did. He caught him easily as he left the room.
“Blondie, what’s up?”
“It’s like a bad dream Hug. What’s happened to us?” Huggy patted his shoulder, not knowing what to say.
“What is it? Is it David?” A tall man approached them rapidly and Hutch looked up.
“He’s okay John. Excuse me, I’ve gotta get out of here.” Hutch turned and walked out. John watched him in concern.
“Hey, I’m Huggy Bear. I’m a friend of Starsky and Hutch.” Huggy held out his hand to John, wanting to get to know the man who was causing Hutch so much heartache.
“Hi, I’m John Martin. I’m a friend of David’s but I’d like to help Ken too.”
Huggy relaxed a little, detecting only concern coming from the man.
“You do help him. He’s just a bit messed up at the moment and unless I’m very much mistaken, is about to go on another guilt trip. He thinks he’s failed Starsk, and the fact that Starsky is so open with you doesn’t help change his mind.”
“He feels threatened by me.” it was a statement made sadly. “He shouldn’t, er Huggy, I can’t replace him in David’s life and don’t want to. How did they get so screwed up?”
“Let’s grab a coffee and I’ll tell you about them and about Hutch’s tendency to go on guilt trips.”
~~~
Hutch left the hospital, struggling for breath. He was fighting major feelings of panic as he feared his nightmare would come true. His head was still causing him some pain and his anxiety wasn’t helping.
Hutch walked across the street to the park next to the hospital. He was lost in his own world of feeling guilty and like a failure.
“HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!!! ARE YOU CRAZY?” An angry driver screamed at the blond man who crossed the street without even looking. The driver laid on the horn of his car. Hutch just walked ahead, not even noticing or hearing his surroundings. He found a large tree away from the water and other people and sank down against it. He became even more lost in his thoughts.
Starsky, I’m so sorry. I’ve failed you. I don’t blame you for losing faith in me, and if you can’t forgive me I’ll understand that too. This is just so hard Starsk. I don’t know what to do, where to go or how to go on without you buddy. You’re all I have Starsk. What happened to us huh?
Hutch was oblivious to anyone who passed by and really didn’t care who saw his tears. Nothing mattered anymore. Only his partner, and losing Starsky was ‘losing everything’ to Hutch. His head was beginning to throb again and he was feeling sick, not only from the headache, but from the thought of going on without Starsky. There was no ‘going on’ without Starsky. Hutch was looking ragged, not realizing or caring how he looked. Dark circles and puffy bags encased his sad eyes. He himself had lost a good amount of weight. He wasn’t eating, wasn’t sleeping and was filled with dread. He thanked God that he hadn’t lost Starsky physically from the accident, but now was sure he had lost him emotionally. Life as he had known it for the last eleven years was over. They had been the best years of his life. His life had changed the day he met the hyper, fidgety, curly haired man with the bright blue eyes and irresistible grin.
Aw Starsk, Do you have the same memories I do? Will you remember me buddy? I only ever cared about you and just wanted to help. No one’s ever cared about me like you Starsk. I was never good enough, even as a kid. Yeah, I got good grades and did well in all of the sports my dad made me take, but still, it was never good enough. Even when I did the best I could, got all “A’s”, or won the 100 yard dash, all he could do was tell me what I could have done better or what I could do better next time. I failed my dad and now I’ve failed you too partner. You never judged me buddy. You took me for who I was, faults and all. Even when I really screwed up and let you down, you never blamed me, never got angry with me. How could you love me Starsk? I’ve never been good enough for you. Maybe you’re realizing that now. No matter what happens to us Starsk, I want you to be okay. I want you to keep trying and fight to walk again. I know you can do it. I’ll stay away if that’s what you want. Maybe you’d be better off anyway. I seem to be holding you back. Maybe I should even move away somewhere. I don’t know where, but you might do better if I’m totally out of the picture. I’ve done enough damage to you buddy. I love you too much to do anymore. I’m so sorry Starsky.
Hutch let the tree brace him up for what seemed like hours, arms folded over his drawn up knees, head resting heavily on his arms. He had no reason to get up, he had nowhere to go. No one needed him anymore, he was left to face the world alone. Silent tears continued to fall.
Chapter 21
Huggy decided he liked John Martin. He found John to be an honest man, high morals, good values and most of all he cared for both Starsky and Hutch. He was a good man. Huggy learned a lot from the conversation he and John had. His own heart was hurting for his friends and he felt sick as John told him of the ordeal Starsky had endured in his stay at Country Meadows.
“It wasn’t easy for him Huggy. David is a good man. He’s gentle, loving and caring. He was shown none of that at Country Meadows. I’m even ashamed to say I worked there, but it was my job and I tried to help those I could.”
“I know you did John. No one is blaming you.” Huggy knew all about the morphine issue and although he wasn’t told, he came to the conclusion that John had been the one to help Starsky. Although he wasn’t sure what he really felt about this issue, he could see that John was a good man and if he had been involved, it would have been to help Starsky.
“What I did would be seen as attempted murder by some. I saw it as mercy. David was suffering so badly. Not only physically, when his body continued to betray him, but emotionally. All he talked about was his best friend, Hutch. He wouldn’t let me or anyone contact him. David didn’t want Ken to know what he was going through. He had no hope left. He didn’t think he would ever be able to move again and he was so helpless. He thought he’d be a vegetable for the rest of his life and didn’t want to put all of that on his partner. He even felt guilty for the nurses who had to take care of him.” John gave a sarcastic laugh. “They never took care of him Huggy. They let him lie there, forgot about him as much as they could. I couldn’t be there all of the time. What happened to David was cruel, unjust and abusive!”
“John, help me to understand. What really happened at Country Meadows? To Starsky? He seems to think of himself as a burden. Perhaps I could understand more–”
“I don’t think it’s something you’d want to know about, but maybe it would help us to help David and Ken, and honestly Huggy, I can’t carry this around anymore. I should have fought harder to get the place closed. I should have–”
“Hey! John, what’s done is done. We can only work with what we have now. I’ve known Starsky and Hutch for years and I know that Starsky is only going to get better with Hutch at his side and Hutch is going down hill fast at this point. He’s getting sick himself and is feeling like he is losing his best friend. All Hutch knows is Starsky and all Starsky knows is Hutch. One’s not gonna make it without the other. Tell me what happened John. They can’t go on much longer like this.”
“I’m not sure you how much you know about nursing homes Huggy, but Country Meadows didn’t even deserve the name. They didn’t ‘nurse’ the residents. They were very short staffed and many of the residents were there because it was one of the more affordable places to put someone, someone who had no place else to go and needed ‘care’. Most of the residents were elderly, some confused, those were the lucky ones. My heart went out to David when they wheeled him in on that first day. He was so young, but so sad. He reminded me of my brother.
“I know about you’re brother John. Starsky told me the whole story. I’m sorry.”
“Thanks Huggy. I’m sorry too. Anyway, I took an instant liking to David. He seemed so alone. He didn’t show any emotion at all for the first couple days. He just laid in his bed stared and silently cried. He didn’t speak. I talked to him anyway, I knew he could hear me. I could tell he was a broken man.”
“Did anyone try to get him to talk? Besides you I mean?”
“No. David eventually tried to talk, but no one had the patience to wait around until he could get the words out. Many times they just left him, and he was really trying Huggy, really trying. His speech was still not good and no one took the time to help him. I did the best I could when I was there and could spend some time with him, but it wasn’t enough. At least he talked to me after a while. I’d stay after hours if I had to. I knew this man had something to say and he needed someone to listen.”
“What the hell kind of place was this!”
“It gets worse Huggy. I’d come on to start my shift and tried to see David first on my rounds. I usually found him lying in soiled sheets that hadn’t been changed all day. I saw bruises on his cheeks and forehead. I knew he had been pushed into the siderails of his bed. He had no way to protect himself, and the nurses and nurses aides just wanted to get their work done so they could read a magazine at the nurses station or something. I saw it all too often. Many days I’d come in to find the tube feeding bag empty, the tube still open and connected to the tube in David’s stomach. They knew the feedings were upsetting David’s system and they didn’t care. They didn’t bathe him regularly, only when they had too. They didn’t turn him, that’s why he got those awful bedsores. He laid in one position for hours, sometimes an entire shift. They didn’t even stop to give him water. He only got water when he got pills, and most of the time he refused to take his medicine. He was dehydrating and his body had nothing to fight with. He was so rundown. I walked into his room one day and found two nurses trying to force him to take his medicine. They had crushed the pills and put them in applesauce. One was holding his head still and prying his mouth open while the other forced the loaded applesauce into his mouth. He coughed and choked. I got really scared and stopped them immediately. Told them to get the hell out. I thought he was gonna die, he couldn’t breathe. Luckily he didn’t choke. I made sure to keep a close eye on him after that. He cried Huggy. He cried so much, every day but he never once complained. I think he felt he deserved the harsh treatment. He couldn’t even wipe his own tears.”
“Those Son of a Bitches!!!!! Why didn’t you try to stop it John?”
“I did Huggy. I did try. I talked to the superintendent, the charge nurses, social workers, no one would listen. They even managed to fool the health board when they came in to evaluate the place. I could have left Country Meadows, quit, but then those people would have no one at all to talk to. I mean, who was I? I was only one person and was only there eight hours a day, but at least for those eight hours they had someone. Someone who would at least listen to them.”
“Why didn’t anyone call Hutch?”
“David wouldn’t let us. Wouldn’t let me. He felt he was too much trouble and didn’t want to burden anyone else. He felt worthless. The staff at Country Meadows only confirmed how he felt by letting him lie around, talking about how much work he was causing them. They talked about him right in front of him Huggy! Like he didn’t exist or couldn’t hear! He gave up, didn’t care anymore. He wanted to die Huggy. He was living like an animal, worse than an animal. He had no control over what had become of his life. He asked me to help him to die. He was living in hell, had no dignity left, no control, and all he talked about was his friend Hutch. He didn’t want Hutch to see him like he was. He didn’t want Hutch to worry or feel guilty, anymore than he knew he would be already. He wanted Hutch to be able to move on with his life. He no longer cared anything about himself, but his friend Hutch was everything in his world. He wanted to set Hutch free.”
“Dear Holy Mother of God!” Huggy hung his head and cried. “Does Hutch know about all of this?”
“Not unless David told him about it. Knowing David, he wouldn’t have said anything.”
“He’s been through hell. I would have wanted to die too John. Somehow we’ve got to get those two back on the right track.” Huggy made a silent promise to make his two best friends happy once again. He thought of what he could do to make Starsky know that he was worth something, worth EVERYTHING!!! And Hutch, Hutch had to know what happened at Country Meadows. How he was going to tell him he did not know.
“John, thanks for filling me in. I had no idea it was that horrible for Starsky. Neither did Hutch. Hutch never would have let Starsky there if he had known. He really did think that Starsky was being properly cared for. Hutch is a good man John, he never would have–”
John put a hand on Huggy’s shoulder and gave a light squeeze. The story was ugly but true and he could see how badly hurt the black man was feeling for his friends. They both sat in silence for a long time. John angry at the system and Huggy furious, wanting to deny what he had heard, and sad, so sad.
Chapter 22
Huggy filled John in on Starsky and Hutch’s relationship, telling him how close they were and of the ordeals and close calls they had seen each other through before. John had not known the extent of the closeness and was astonished at many of the stories. He grew to respect the two men even more.
Huggy told John how he met the dynamic duo, about how Hutch chided Starsky about his prized car, about the good times and the bad. He told John how one would lay down their own life for the other, and did many times. Huggy covered a lot of territory with John. He went on to tell him about Starsky and Terri, Hutch and Gillian, how Starsky almost died after being poisoned by Vic Bellamy and how Hutch almost died when he contracted the plague. It was late when they made their way back to Starsky’s room. They found a very anxious patient.
“Starsky? What do you think you’re doing?” Huggy and John gently pushed Starsky back down onto his bed.
“Where has everyone been? No one’s been here all day! Where’s Hutch?”
“We thought he was here with you bro.”
“No, he hasn’t been here all day! I need to talk to him Huggy, John!” Starsky looked for answers from both men.
“Don’t worry Starsk. I’ll look for him. Maybe he had some business to take care of.” Huggy found it very odd that Hutch had not been to see Starsky all day since this morning when he left, but he had a bad feeling. “John, you mind staying with Starsk?”
“Wouldn’t think of leaving him.” John smiled “You go look for David’s best friend.”
Huggy left the room casually, not to worry Starsky any further and picked up the pace when he knew he was out of the anxious man’s sight. Where are you Hutchinson? Starsky needs you, and you need him damn it! You better not be pulling that ‘guilt’ shit again! Huggy didn’t know where to begin. He called Hutch’s apartment, Starsky’s place, captain Dobey, his own eating establishment. Hutch was nowhere to be found. Okay, if I were a blond blintz on a guilt mission, where would I go? Huggy found Hutch’s car parked in the same spot he had parked it that morning. It was now nine pm and very dark. Not knowing what else to do and feeling very uneasy, he checked the emergency room first to see if Hutch had been brought in for any reason. Knowing Starsky and Hutch, if you can’t find them anywhere else, try the local emergency room. If there was trouble, it was certain to find them — especially one on their own without the other to look out for them. Huggy’s instincts were right.
“Kenneth Hutchinson,” the receptionist looked through her papers. “Yes, he is here. He was brought in two hours ago. He’s — hey! You can’t go back there sir!”
Huggy was in the ER looking for the tall blond before the receptionist could stop him. He went from cubicle to cubicle until he found what he was looking for.
“Hutch?” The blond did not respond.
“Are you a friend of Mr. Hutchinson’s?”
“Yes, I am. What happened to him?”
“I’m doctor Everett. Ken was brought in about two hours ago. We think he was mugged. Someone found him across the street in the park. He was hit pretty hard on the head and has some bruised ribs. He’s going to be okay, but we want to keep him overnight for observation. We tried to call. He has David Starsky listed as his next of kin, but we couldn’t find him.”
“That’s because he is here, upstairs.”
“What?”
“David — Starsky — Hutch’s — He’s a patient here right now. He has pneumonia. How bad was Hutch — Ken hurt? He’s been getting really bad migraines lately. Has he regained consciousness yet?”
“He’s been very lethargic. He opened his eyes a couple of times but didn’t say anything. I asked him if I could call someone for him and he told me there was no one to call, that he was on his own now. Doesn’t he have anyone?”
“It’s a long story doc. He does have someone who cares very much for him. Would it be okay if I brought that person down here to see him?”
“I think it would be good for Ken to have someone with him. He seems so sad. Is he always like that?”
“You must be new around here Dr. Everett. Stick around long enough, you’ll get to know Hutch — Ken and his partner real well. I think they like visiting the emergency room.” Huggy left shaking his head.
~~~
“What! Is he okay? I have to see him! I need to be with him!” Starsky tried to get himself out of bed.
“Hey bro, hold on a minute. It took some smooth talking, but I got the nurses permission to take you down to see Hutch. You gotta go in a wheelchair though.”
John and Huggy got a very worried Starsky into the wheelchair while the nurses made sure his IV and oxygen was secured for the ride.
~~~
“Hutch? Hutch it’s me.” Starsky reached for Hutch’s hand, trying to get as close as he could to his partner. “C’mon buddy, wake up for me.”
“Stars–Starsky?”
“Yeah, I’m right here. I was worried about you. Didn’t know where you were all day.”
“Don’t have to stay — I understand Starsky. I won’t hold you back anymore.” A wave of nausea and the severe pain in his head made Hutch wince. A single tear drained from his eye.
“Hutch?” Starsky reached up to catch the tear. “What’s going on buddy? Where else would I be huh? I was really scared. I need you and I know I’ve been giving you a hard time lately — maybe for too long now. I’m the one that’s sorry.”
Hutch turned his head to look at the only person who really cared about him. “You mean that Starsk? I though you didn’t want me around anymore–” The dam was breaking and neither man could stop it. John and Huggy quietly left the two men alone. They had each other, that was all they needed.
“Of course I mean that blondie. Who else would take all of the crap I dish out huh? And who else would be seen with you in that sorry excuse you call a car?” Starsky did his best to stand and sat on the side of Hutch’s bed. Hutch reached for what he needed and Starsky held onto his best friend. “Oh Hutch, I’m sorry for being so hard on you. I need you so much and I haven’t been letting you know that. I’ve been selfish. I didn’t see what all of this was doing to you. I’m gonna get better Hutch, for you and for me — for us. That okay with you partner?”
Hutch nodded and held on tighter to his treasure. The tears continued to flow for both men. This moment had been coming for a long time, neither were ready to let go of it just yet. Both needed the closeness and didn’t realize how much they had missed it. There was no better medicine for either. It was ‘Me and Thee’ once again.
Chapter 23
Hutch spent a restless night in the emergency room and was released the following morning, despite the doctor’s encouragement for him to stay and let them run more tests. His only mission was to see his partner, his best friend, Starsky.
“Morning Sunshine!” Hutch stepped past the door, into Starsky’s room and took a seat in the chair next to Starsky’s bed.
“Morning yourself. What are you doing here Hutch? I thought — aren’t you supposed to be resting?”
“Just got my walking papers.” Hutch held up the discharge papers he had been given, reluctantly, in the emergency room downstairs.
“You okay? How’s your head feeling?”
“Head hurts a little, but I’m just fine. Question is partner, how are you? You’re the one in the hospital bed.”
“Doc said I can go home in a day or two. Sure ya want me back?”
“I guess I can put up with you for a while longer.” Hutch ruffled his partner’s thick curls. “Wouldn’t have it any other way buddy.” I’ll try not to push you so hard this time Starsk.
“It’ll be good to get back home.” Two sets of blue eyes met and held the gaze, both feeling thankful that they were on track with each other again. “Hutch?”
“Yeah buddy.”
“Thank you — for everything — staying with me — putting up with me.” I’m gonna try harder than ever and we’re gonna get our lives back, and I’ll try not to be so hard on you Hutch.
“Starsk — you don’t ever have to thank me buddy. There’s no place else I’d rather be. I want to help you Starsk, but I won’t push okay?”
“Okay.” Starsky grinned. I’ve been blessed with having the best friend a man could ever ask for. “I’m gonna push hard enough for both of us buddy. Deal?”
“Deal.”
~~~
The next two days were uneventful. Starsky continued to improve. He had a lot of visitors, the constants being Hutch, Huggy and John. Hutch was content to listen and tried not to let anyone, especially Starsky see how bad his head was still hurting him, how upset his stomach was and didn’t tell anyone about the blurred vision that continued to plague him.
“Hutch? Hey, Hutch?”
“Huh? Sorry Starsk, must’v dosed off again.” He smiled embarrassedly at his partner.
“You’ve been doing a lot of dozing lately. You sure you’re all right buddy? You’re lookin’ a little pale Hutch.”
“You know, David is right Ken, you are looking a little under the weather. You sure you’re okay?”
“Starsky, John, I’m okay — really.” God, let me make it to a bathroom before I get sick right here — I’ll never live it down. “I’ll be right back.” Hutch darted out of the room and made his way to the nearest bathroom just in time. He heaved over and over again until he thought he would pass out. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up into the eyes of the concerned man.
“John? Don’t tell Starsky about this okay? He’ll only worry.”
“Ken, what’s going on? You’re really sick. You need to see a doctor.”
“No, I’m okay John — really. Think I ate something that didn’t agree.”
“Ken, you don’t even eat. You’re getting worse than that partner of yours.”
Hutch let John help him up and leaned against him until he regained his balance and control. “Thanks John, I’m feeling a lot better now. C’mon, lets get back to Starsky before he has security looking for me.”
John kept a close eye on his new blond friend. He felt something was wrong, very wrong.
Hutch knew something was wrong but would not let on to it in front of Starsky or anyone else. He was feeling sick, dizzy and his head was pounding. He kept downing the pain pills the emergency room doctor gave him, hoping that whatever was going on would just go away.
Starsky was discharged from the hospital two days later. “You ready to break out of here Starsk?”
“You bet partner. I don’t want to see this place ever again!”
“I don’t want you to either buddy. I’m gonna go and pull the car around. It’ll be good to have you home. Be right back.”
Starsky gave a worried look to John and then to his partner who swayed as he stood up. Half way across the room to Starsky’s door, Hutch grabbed his head and collapsed.
Chapter 24
“Hutch!” Starsky screamed and made a desperate attempt to get to his fallen partner. John held Starsky so he would not fall and both were at Hutch’s side within moments.
“You stay here David, I’ll go for help!” Starsky nodded and cradled his friend in his arms, stroking the moist blond hair off of his partner’s forehead.
“Hutch? Hutch, wake up for me!” He continued to hold and rock the unconscious man slowly back and forth.
“David, you need to let go. Let the doctor help Ken.”
The doctor knelt beside Hutch, doing a quick examination and assessment, shouting out orders.
“Get some help in here now. Lets get him onto the bed.”
Starsky watched in horror as Hutch was lifted onto the empty bed next to his. Hutch remained unconscious, unaware of the flurry of activity around him, unaware of his terrified partner.
“John? Is he gonna be okay?” Starsky was helped up and into a wheelchair by his strong friend.
“I don’t know David. They’ll do everything they can for him.”
Both men stayed out of the way and watched as doctors and nurses stripped the blond of his shirt, took vital signs, administered oxygen and started IV’s.
One of the doctor’s came over to Starsky and John. “I’m doctor Rivers. Can you tell me what happened?”
“He grabbed his head and just went down.” Starsky was trembling and having a very hard time dealing with the situation. “Is it bad doc? What happened to him? He’s gonna be okay isn’t he?”
“We’ll do everything we can for your friend.” The doctor gave John a worried glance. Worry for his new patient and also for the shaken man in the wheelchair. “Has he been complaining about anything lately? Headaches? Nausea? Vomiting?”
“Yeah — he’s been getting bad headaches and — and he’s been getting sick a lot the past couple days — and sleeping a lot. He was hit in the head the other day too. Please help him.”
The doctor rested a reassuring hand on Starsky’s shaking one and nodded, before going back to his patient.
The nurses had Hutch changed into a hospital gown and brought a gurney in to transport their new patient. The first stop was for a cat scan of Hutch’s head.
“Come on gang, move it! His blood pressure is high and his pulse is slow. Lets get him to x-ray now.”
Doc! What do you think is wrong with him?”
“We can’t be sure Mr.–”
“Starsky, David Starsky. I’m his partner and best friend.”
“I want to rule out a subdural hematoma. He’s showing signs of intracranial pressure.”
“Huh?” Starsky was going white.
John saw a desperate need to step in. “Doctor, I’m John Martin, a friend of David’s and Ken’s. Just help Ken, I’ll stay with David. We’ll be right here.” John held onto Starsky tightly.
“Thanks John. I’ll be back as soon as I can tell you something.”
Starsky watched and trembled as Hutch was wheeled away. “He’s gonna be okay right John? He’s gotta be okay. Nothin’ can happen to Hutch. Why didn’t I insist he see the doctor before now! He’s not been well for days! How stupid can I be?”
“David — relax David. Ken is strong, he’s gonna be all right. David — are you okay?”
John slowly lowered Starsky’s head down between his knees as he saw Starsky become white as a ghost. John had seen people faint many times before. He stooped down beside his distressed friend. When a little color came back to Starsky’s cheeks, John got him back into bed, the bed he had been about to leave behind.
~~~
Hutch was taken from cat scan to radiology for an x-ray of his skull, and then for further tests, including an EEG. He was admitted into the intensive care unit as a precautionary measure until a definite diagnosis could be made. He started to wake up when the lab tech began to take blood samples.
“Star–Starsk?” Hutch tried to pull away from the lab technician and from the needles.
“Relax Ken, I need to take some blood samples from your arm. I’ll soon be finished.”
“Where’s Starsky? Where am I? Starsk?” He tried to focus. What happened? Starsky needs me.
Hutch looked at the young doctor who arrived at his bedside. “Hi Ken, I’m doctor Rivers. You passed out on us. How are you feeling now?”
“I want to see my partner. He’s supposed to go home today. I was getting the car and–”
“Ken, what’s wrong Ken?”
“Sick — I’m gonna be sick!”
The nurse was at Hutch’s side immediately with an emesis basin and turned him on his side, supporting him as he wretched until there was nothing left in his stomach.
“I need Starsky — I can’t take this without him — please get him.” His trembling hands went to grab onto his head once again. “It hurts–” Hutch was becoming very worked up, unconsciously crying.
Dr. Rivers nodded to the other nurse in the room and requested that she go to retrieve his patient’s friend.
Chapter 25
“Hey Bronco. What’s the idea of all of this? You tryin’ to out do me?”
“Starsky.” Hutch reached for Starsky’s open hand. “I’m sorry Starsk.”
“C’mon, you don’t have anything to be sorry for. Except maybe those protein shakes you’ve been trying to force on me.”
Hutch gave a small chuckle. He always knows when to lighten things up for us. “They’re really not so bad. I could make ya a burrito shake when we get home. I can go home soon right Starsk?”
“Soon buddy. Doc wants to run a couple more tests. Gotta make sure you don’t have any brain damage.” Starsky ribbed his partner.
“Very funny buddy. Why do I have to stay here? I’m okay, probably just a concussion from getting hit. I wanna go home — please Starsk. I don’t wanna be alone.”
“No chance partner. I’ll be right here. You won’t be alone.”
“What other tests do I need? They did everything in the book already. I feel like a damn pin cushion!”
“Doc says he wants to do a lumbar puncture.”
“What? A spinal tap! Why?”
“It’s okay Hutch.” Starsky gripped Hutch’s hand tighter. “Doc just wants to make sure you don’t have any blood in your spinal fluid. You did get hit pretty hard the other night.”
“Oh Starsk! I’m really sorry. I’m making things harder on you–” Hutch broke down, no longer being able to hold in his frustration. He began to sob, turning his head into the pillow away from Starsky.
“Hey, c’mon buddy — don’t cry. I’m gonna be right here with ya. I’m not leaving.”
“This isn’t happening! You were supposed to go home. I wanted to take you home — get our lives back on track.” Hutch continued to cry, feeling defeated. “Starsk–”
John saw what was coming and before Hutch knew what was happening, the gentle man was at his side, holding the emesis basin for him, rubbing his back with his free hand.
“Try to relax Ken. Things are going to be okay. I’ll look out for that stubborn partner of yours until you can take over again, which will be real soon. Try to relax now.”
“John, can’t they give him something to help him relax?” Starsky felt helpless and hurt for his partner.
“I wish they could David, but with a head injury they need to be real careful with medications like that. I’m sure it’s out of the question.”
The heaving finally stopped and Hutch let his head fall back onto the pillow. He was exhausted and in desperate need of something for pain.
John and Starsky turned to see a nurse bringing in supplies for the spinal tap.
“Can’t that wait a bit? He’s in so much pain and his stomach is upset.”
“I’m sorry Mr. Starsky, but we need to find out what is going on with Ken, so we can get him better.”
“Can’t you give him something for the pain and the nausea?”
“As soon as we know more of what is going on, I’m sure the doctor will order something for him. You’ll need to leave now.”
“I’m staying with my partner. I’ll stay out of your way.”
The nurse started to protest when Dr. Rivers came up behind her and told her it would be okay if Starsky stayed. Dr. Rivers caught on fast. He saw the difference it made when Starsky was there with his patient. Hutch was much more relaxed and cooperative. He knew the lumbar puncture would be uncomfortable, to say the least, and having someone there to comfort his patient could not hurt, but only help.
“Thanks Doc.” Starsky was truly appreciative.
The doctor explained the procedure to Starsky and Hutch while the nurse prepared the equipment and supplies they would be using. Starsky stayed protectively close to Hutch, sitting in his wheelchair that was tight up against the bed. He continued to hold onto his partner’s hand and stroke his forehead with his other hand.
“Starsk–”
“It’s okay Hutch, I’m right here. Let’s get this over with huh?” Starsky could see the terror in his partner’s eyes. He was terrified of needles and now a large one was going to be stuck into his back. I’d be scared too buddy, but all I can do is be here for ya. I’d take this for you if I could, but I can’t.
Hutch was turned onto his side and the nurse cleaned the lower part of Hutch’s lower back with a strong antiseptic. Starsky felt Hutch tense with each new sound and touch.
“Okay Ken, I need you to bring your knees up to your chest, you can hold onto them with your hands, and I’ll need you to bend your neck forward a bit. I know it’s not the most comfortable position, but it’s the only way we can do this. The nurse is going to help you to hold that position. Try not to move okay?”
“I’ll do my best.” Hutch focused on Starsky’s eyes, trusting and trying to relax.
“I’m going to administer a local anesthetic to the area on your lower back now. You might feel a stinging sensation. That will only last a few seconds and then the area will be numb.”
“Just do it.” Hutch was trying not to shake and held on tighter to his partner’s hand.
Hutch gasped as the numbing medicine was injected into his back and held his breath, afraid of what would come next.
“You did great Ken. I’m going to insert the needle now. I’ll be as fast as I can.”
The last statement was of no comfort to Hutch. He closed his eyes as silent tears escaped. He was so worn down, physically and emotionally. He just wanted the test to be over and wanted to go home. He was afraid that neither would happen in the near future. He gasped a little as the large needle was inserted into his spine and tried to regulate his breathing and relax.
“You’re doing great Hutch — It’ll soon be over buddy — doin’ really good.”
“Starsk.” His call was but a whisper, but loud enough for his partner to hear.
“I’m here — right here buddy. Just try to relax — hold onto my hand as tight as you need to. Starsky’s chest tightened at seeing his partner so uncomfortable and scared.
“Looks good Ken. The fluid is clear and the pressure reading is where is should be. We’ll still need to send some samples of the fluid to the lab and when we’re finished you’ll need to lye flat for at least six hours. You did great! I’ll be back to talk with you and David as soon as I have some results for you.”
~~~
Both Starsky and Hutch tensed when the doctor entered Hutch’s room. They knew he would be bringing the results of all of the tests with him. Hutch had continued to get sick and was still in a great amount of pain. Both feared that the news would not be good.
“How’s my patient?”
Hutch and Starsky could only look at the young doctor, trying to assess what the doctor might tell them.
“No point in beating around the bush — all of the test results came back negative Ken. You do have a concussion and the migraine headache just added to your discomfort. I’ll let you go home tomorrow, but only if you follow my strict orders to stay on bedrest and take it very easy. I’ll prescribe some strong medication for the headaches and the nausea. You need rest — both of you.” The doctor looked quizzically at his patient and his friend. They looked like two little boys who were just given permission to go out and play.
Chapter 26
Hutch was ready bright and early to go home and Starsky was more than happy to be taking his treasure home. It’s my turn to take care of you for a while buddy — I’m gonna do everything I can for you — God knows you deserve it.
“Don’t worry doc, I’ll take care of him.”
The doctor wondered how the dark haired man planned on taking care of his partner in his present condition, but if love itself could heal all wounds, he felt the two men would be just fine.
Huggy had the car waiting as John brought Starsky and Hutch through the hospital doors. They were finally going home.
~~~
John said that he’d stay with them to help, although he could see that Starsky didn’t want anyone else to help him with Hutch. He was forced to accept John’s help for the simple reason he knew he couldn’t manage on his own. This upset and frustrated Starsky and John could see the familiar signs of despair in his eyes as he realized that he could no longer care for his partner. Hutch had an even better idea than John about how Starsky was feeling but he wasn’t sure how to get through to him. His head still ached more than he cared to admit and he was grateful that John was going to stay around. He knew that his partner wouldn’t accept help from just anyone but John seemed to understand this and was more than capable of dealing with his stubborn friend. Hutch’s slight unease around John had all but gone and he knew that they both needed him for the time being. He no longer felt threatened by John’s presence, although there was a residual amount of resentment lingering, when he saw Starsky turn to him for advice. They’d never needed anyone else before and it was a grim reminder of how far they’d fallen that John was staying with them.
John realized that he’d need to buy some more food so he dropped them at home and left to go to the shops. He could have sorted this out earlier but he wanted to give them a chance to talk alone for he realized that Hutch was still a little insecure with him around. Perhaps if they had some time alone, they could come to terms with things. He was truly grateful that Hutch was going to be okay for he had little doubt that Starsky wouldn’t even try to get better if Hutch were to die.
Starsky watched the pale figure of his partner trying not to grimace with pain. Hutch was obviously still not well and in considerable discomfort and it was killing Starsky seeing his usually strong partner like this, especially as he couldn’t even offer to help him out very much.
“Got to go.” Hutch staggered up and made his way into the bathroom. Starsky was distressed to hear the sounds of his partner vomiting and he struggled to make his way to the bathroom. He was getting better at manipulating the wheelchair, but he was weakened from his bout with pneumonia and his deep worry about Hutch. Hutch was sitting on the bathroom floor, with his back against the wall, resting his head back on the coolness of the wall. Starsky maneuvered his way over to him, grabbing the hand towel first, and dampening it under the tap. He leant down and soothed Hutch by applying the damp cloth to his warm face. Hutch looked up at his partner leaning awkwardly down and grinned weakly. It felt good having Starsky taking care of him, familiar and loving and both took comfort from it.
“Thanks buddy.”
“No problems blintz. But I think I might join ya, as I’m not that comfortable” and before Hutch could protest, Starsky was on the floor with him, exhausted by his efforts. Starsky ignored his own pain as it rated second to his partner’s. It just felt so good to him, being able to help Hutch.
“Getting better with this stuff blondie.” With that Starsky carefully put his arms around Hutch and held him. It had been a long time since Hutch had felt so safe and Starsky was glad that he could provide this comfort. It seemed like a long time since he’d been able to be the comfort provider. As he sat there, holding Hutch, he came to a decision. He knew now that he had to get better. He couldn’t look out for Hutch like he needed and wanted to as things were. He had to do everything in his power to regain his strength. It would mean doing what he swore he never would, and what frightened him a lot — wearing leg braces. He wasn’t sure why he’d been so anti the braces but he had been. His pride had got in the way but no more. He would wear them, would never complain and would recover. The fact that he was doing this for the wrong reasons never occurred to him for Hutch was a good reason for him. He still hadn’t come to realize that he needed to do things for himself. He had somehow lost himself through all of what had happened over the last few months. He was living because of Hutch and for Hutch. He’d make sure that he told John about the braces when he returned and with that decision made, he relaxed and fell asleep still holding Hutch firmly. When John returned, he found Starsky sitting against the bathroom wall, cradling Hutch in his arms. They were both still asleep. Starsky looked more content than John had ever remembered.
~~~
“David? Wake up David.” John shook Starsky’s shoulder lightly. “Hey, think the bed might be more comfortable for both of you?”
Starsky wiped at his groggy eyes with his free hand, never letting go of his partner with the other. “Think you have a point there John. Hutch was sick — I didn’t want him to be alone. This was just easier.”
“How ’bout I help you both back to bed?”
“Hutch is sleeping so well, I don’t want to wake him. His head’s still hurting him pretty bad.”
“Starsk?” A groggy voice came from below. “I’m awake buddy. Sorry I fell asleep on you.” Hutch slowly sat up and grinned at his partner and then at John.
“Feel like laying down in bed? Might be more comfortable for ya.”
“Might be a good id–idea — Oh God, not again!” Once more Hutch was over the toilet heaving.
“Aw Hutch, I wish I could do somethin’ for ya.”
“Just glad you’re here. I think it’s letting up.”
John helped Starsky back into his wheelchair and assisted the blond to stand. Getting them both back to bed, he felt like he was working as an orderly again. He got Hutch into bed first and then turned to Starsky.
“John? Did you get Hutch’s medicine at the pharmacy?”
“Right here.” John held up the pharmacy bag.
Starsky took the bag and opened the bottles, retrieving one pill for pain and another for the nausea. “Hutch, John got your medicine. Here ya go, you’ll feel better soon.” Starsky put the pills into Hutch’s mouth, followed by water for him to slid the pills down.
“Thanks Starsk.” Hutch was truly grateful and made a mental note to thank his partner properly as soon as he felt better.
John saw the fatigue in Starsky’s eyes and body and moved to help him back into bed.
“No John. I’m gonna sit here next to Hutch for a while — til he falls asleep anyway. Can you get me a cool washcloth?”
“Sure David.” John nodded and left the room to fill Starsky’s request. He looked back when he got to the doorway, wishing he had someone to care about him like these two friends cared about each other. Starsky would not give in to his own exhaustion until he was convinced Hutch was comfortable.
Starsky sat by Hutch’s bedside for hours before he let John help him back into bed, double checking on Hutch before he would move.
“John, I need to talk to you about something. Got a minute?”
“Of course David. What can I do?”
“Well — I need to be here for Hutch. I’m no good in this wheelchair. I’m gonna try the braces. Have you seen them work for other people?”
“Sure, David. They can be a great assistance in providing support but I’m surprised you haven’t had them before?” He made the last sentence a question.
Starsky hesitated, not wanting to admit to his fear.
“I didn’t want them, in fact I thought they were the last thing in the world that I’d wear but it doesn’t matter what I want any more. Gotta be able to help Hutch and I’m useless as it is.”
“DAVID! You are not useless! What have you been doing tonight? You’ve been helping your partner. Ken was scared, and you were there for him! He was in pain and sick, and you never left his side. He seemed more relaxed tonight, having you beside him, that I’ve seen him since I got here! I’m glad you’re willing to give the braces a try. But you have to want to do this for yourself, not just Ken. Ken won’t be wearing them or suffering the discomfort. David, there can be discomfort associated with braces and I suspect you still have a bad feeling about them.”
“I know John, I know exactly what I am, and what I am capable of. Not a lot! I think I’m ready to face them, no I don’t think, I KNOW. I’ve got to do this John! I just want to do whatever I have to do so I can help my partner. God knows he’s been there to help me. I hate seeing him hurting like this John. He’s been so busy taking care of me that he’s neglected himself. Why didn’t I see this coming? Damn it! I was too focused on myself! It’s my turn to help Hutch now. That’s what’s important. Can you make the appointment for me to get the braces?”
“Okay, I’ll give Dr. Fern a call now. I promise you he’s not like doctor Steinburg. I’ve met him and know some of the patients that he has helped. He won’t hurt you like that other SOB! I’m sure he’ll be able to see you in the morning. I’ll drive you all right?”
“Sure. Thanks John.” Starsky smiled appreciatively. “So this guy is really okay? He’s gonna think I’m worth helping? That I’m not too old? And I do have a future to look forward to John! I have Hutch and I have our partnership and friendship. Damn that Steinburg! Damn myself for letting him make me feel useless! I’m sorry John, didn’t mean to go off like that. Someday I’m gonna WALK into his office and let him know what I think of him!”
“Now that’s the spirit David. Keep thinking like that and you’re gonna do okay. You’ve been holding so much anger in for so long, its about time you let some of it out! I’m gonna go and make that appointment, and I want to do whatever I can for you both while I’m here.”
“John, thanks for everything. You’ve been so wonderful. I knew I could count on you. I really appreciate all you have done for me and for Hutch. You helped us get back on track. I’ll never forget all you’ve given of yourself to help us out. I wish I could do something for you John. I will — we will.”
“You don’t have to thank me David. Seeing the two of you get your ducks in a row is enough thanks. Letting me be a small part of what the two of you have together is thanks enough. I believe in true unconditional friendship again. I had my doubts there for a while.” John put his head down, but not before Starsky noticed a single tear slowly running down his cheek.
“John? You okay?”
“David, I feel close to you as my friend — and to Hutch. You both accepted me for who I am, even after what I did. I thank God every night and every day that the morphine didn’t work.”
“Me too John. Me too. Most of the time anyway!” Starsky still showed some humor at times and John was reminded what a truly remarkable man he was. “Somethin’ else bothering you?”
“I was just thinking about a friend of mine, someone up in Canada.”
“You can talk to me John. I’d like to help if I can.”
“You already have helped. You and Hutch. My friend and I — well, we’re real close, but I never let him get as close to me — I never let him in. I’m not afraid anymore David. I’m gonna go home and make things right with him — and because of the both of you, I’m not afraid to do that — to let him in. Michael — that’s his name — we’ve known each other for years. He got me through when I lost my brother. He’s a gentle and kind man. I pushed him away just the way I saw you pushing Hutch away. Then I look at you — both of you — and I know I need to open up — give up the tough guy act. I guess what I’m saying is that now I know its not a bad thing to let another person love you — for who you are, no matter what you’ve done in the past and I see that it’s okay to be vulnerable and not always have to be strong. Guess it’s okay to let someone take care of you huh?”
“John. It can be a wonderful thing to let someone into your heart. It’s the best thing. I was lost before I met Hutch. Yeah — I had a life and friends, but I was still so alone. Hutch changed all of that. He’s my best friend, my partner, my strength. He holds me together when I feel like I’m losing it. He picks me up when I fall. Holds me when I cry and feel like my world is falling apart. And he makes me laugh when he knows I need it. It’s scary to love someone so much, but it’s even more scary not too.”
“Did anyone ever tell you how smart you are?” John smiled.
“All the time. Why don’t you go and give Michael a call.” Starsky grinned and pointed toward the living room. “I think I need to sleep for a bit now anyway. Now get out there and let your friend know how much you care. If you love him, don’t let that get away. Good friends are hard to come by and I’m sure he’d love to hear from you.”
“Okay, thanks David.” John made sure Starsky was comfortable and covered and went to connect with his friend.
He looked at the already sleepy form of Starsky and knew that they still had some battles to fight. Starsky wanted to have the leg braces for all the wrong reasons and he wasn’t aware yet, of just how uncomfortable they could be. He had to want to get better for himself, not just for Hutch and both he and his partner were going to have to work on his self esteem, trying to build it again. The man had fallen and survived a 40 foot fall, that alone should give him some pride. Not to mention that the man concerned was a kind and generous and warmhearted soul. He needed to find himself again and John was determined that he would. When he had Starsky and Hutch communicating properly again, then his job would be done and he could return to his life in Canada and appreciating his friend Michael.
Chapter 27
“Hey sleepyhead?” Starsky felt a tickle under his nose and swatted it away. “Morning Sunshine — gotta wake up. I hear you have some big plans this morning.”
“I don’t want to get up yet — still tired.” Starsky rolled away from the annoying bird tickling his nose and whispering in his ear.
Hutch waved a cup of his gourmet coffee under his partner’s nose. “Starsk, John said you have an appointment with the new physical therapist. John told me about the braces. I’d like to talk to you buddy. I thought you didn’t want them?”
Starsky rolled toward the coffee and his friend, wiping at his tired eyes, yawning. “Can’t a guy change his mind?”
Hutch sat on the side of Starsky’s bed, waiting for him to fully wake. He didn’t like the thought of Starsky doing something he knew he most definitely did not want to do, just because of him. He wanted Starsky to choose this regime of treatment for himself, not just for him.
“Sure he can. But you’re not just any guy. You’re my partner and best friend. I know how much you didn’t want this. Why the change of heart?”
Starsky was more awake now. He sat up and took the coffee from his partner. “I want to do this Hutch. Yes, I want to do it for you, and for me — for us. I don’t know where my mind has been, but I don’t like seeing you sick, and if you need help I want to be able to be there for you. I want to be able to take care of you the way you’ve always taken care of me — the way I used to be able to take care of you before all of this happened.”
“But you were so against the braces. Why now?”
“Sometimes you have to give a little. I’m not getting any better doing what I’m doing now. Can’t hurt to give them a try, right?”
“As long as it’s what you really want Starsk. John thinks you’ll like this new therapist. I just want what’s best for you buddy.”
“You’re what’s best for me Hutch. You’ve given so much of yourself to me and for me. I love you buddy. I don’t want you to have to carry me anymore. Seems like I’ve been doing all of the taking lately. I want to give something back to you. All I got is ‘me’ — ‘my heart.” Starsky shrugged and looked deeply into the light blue eyes staring back into his own.
“You’re all I need Starsk. Nothin’ else matters. You know, you’re the bravest man I know. I know this hasn’t been easy on you. Heck, it’s been hard as hell! I want to go with you when you get the braces and if they hurt you — at all — you don’t have to do this. You’ve had enough hurt for three lifetimes. All I want is for you to feel good about yourself again, physically and emotionally. You’re everything to me Starsk. We’ll do this together okay?”
“Okay.” Starsky smiled and grasped harder onto the pale hand that had found his own. “Together.”
~~~
Dr. Fern was everything that John said he was, kind, caring and fair. He detected Starsky’s apprehension about wearing the leg braces and talked to him and Hutch for at least an hour before measuring Starsky for the braces. The doctor educated them thoroughly on what to expect and told them stories of others who have had success with them. Starsky was still nervous, but with the reassuring doctor’s words and Hutch beside him, he felt strong enough and determined enough to try his best. The doctor fitted and applied the braces to Starsky’s legs, giving him instruction and encouragement when it came to trying them out.
“You’re doing good David.”
Starsky was shaking, concentrating and holding onto the parallel bars for dear life. The braces were uncomfortable, but didn’t seem to hurt — not too much anyway. He could do this, especially seeing Hutch as his destination at the end of the bars. That’s all it took for him to be certain he was doing the right thing.
“That’s excellent Starsk! You did great and you made it all the way to the end of the bars.” Hutch held an exhausted Starsky in his arms when he met him at the journeys end of the bars. “I’m so proud of you partner!” Hutch was proud. A single tear escaped his eye as he knew they were going to be okay. I wish I had half of your courage buddy.
~~~
Starsky had been going faithfully to his physical therapy appointments for two months now. Hutch had gone back to work, but with the understanding that his work schedule would revolve around Starsky’s appointments so he could be there with him. He continued to stay at Starsky’s and their relationship returned to what it used to be, maybe even better. John had gone home to Canada and the constant in Starsky’s life remained Hutch. Both men missed John’s presence and would be forever thankful to the man who helped them get back on the right track. John and the partners continued to keep in touch and it made Starsky happy to know that John and his friend Michael were doing well together.
Huggy worked with Starsky to prepare a surprise party for Hutch and could hardly contain his excitement until that night arrived. He had something very special for Hutch and wanted Hutch to be proud of him.
“Hutch?”
“Yeah buddy?”
“Think we could go down to Huggy’s tonight?”
“I think that would be great! You sure? We haven’t been out in a long time. Are you up to it?”
“Yeah.” Starsky nodded with confidence. “I think I am up to it. How bout’ you partner?”
Hutch squeezed Starsky’s shoulder affectionately and smiled. “We’ve got the whole weekend to recover. It really has been a long time hasn’t it?” Hutch chuckled.
“Too long partner. Too long. Why don’t we grab a nap huh? I think it’s gonna be a long night.”
“Sounds like a plan. Did I tell you how proud I am of you lately?”
“Only about 30 times today.” Starsky smiled. “But 31 is okay.”
~~~
Hutch drove to Huggy’s as Starsky fidgeted with the braces on his legs and tried to get comfortable in the car. Once at Huggy’s, Hutch stood close as Starsky made his wobbly way into Huggy’s eating establishment.
“Where is everyone Huggy? People stop coming around since we weren’t here?” Hutch smiled but was a bit worried about Huggy’s business.
“Yeah, you got it bro! People heard you weren’t comin’ in anymore and just stopped coming. I almost had to close down!”
“You sure everything’s all right Hug?” Hutch was genuinely concerned.
“Yeah, I think things will be okay. Think you could help me with some boxes in the kitchen Hutch?”
“Sure.” Hutch gave a concerned look at Starsky, not wanting to let him alone.
“Go ahead Hutch. I’ll be fine. I’ll go and grab our old table. Doesn’t look like we’ll have to fight for it tonight. Poor Huggy.”
Hutch followed Huggy into the kitchen and Starsky opened the front door to let in the crowd of friends that he had invited to his and Hutch’s “special” night. All quietly filed into the bar and took their places. Starsky dimmed the lights, which was Huggy’s que, and anxiously waited for Hutch to return.
“SURPRISE!!!!!”
Hutch stopped in his tracks and looked over their friends and then over to Starsky with confusion and in awe, blushing at the same time.
“Wha– Starsk? Everyone? What is this? It’s not my birthday. Why the surprise? Starsky!”
The room became quiet, an almost eerie silence, making Hutch all the more leery. Starsky was the first and only to speak.
“Hutch, this night is special. I wanted to do something to thank you for everything, and I mean everything you’ve done for me. You stood by me when I treated you like dirt and didn’t deserve you to stand by me. You’ve encouraged me to want to get better and you’ve made me believe in myself again. I owe you my life Hutch. I wouldn’t be here without you and I wouldn’t have ever been able to do this.”
Starsky got up from their booth and made his way across the room to his partner. Hutch stood in awe, realizing that Starsky was walking steady and without the leg braces — without any walking supports other than his own two legs.
“This is for you Hutch — for us. Thank you buddy.”
Starsky took his destination in his arms. Neither man was able to contain their tears — tears of happiness. There wasn’t a dry eye in the eating establishment. Everyone cheered and clapped as Starsky and Hutch embraced.
END
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