Fallen

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Starsky has a severe accident which could have been prevented. Hutch feels he is to blame and can’t handle the guilt. Starsky is critically injured and may not recover.

 

Also archived on the Bay City Library Archive on 5/29/2004 here.

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Chapter 1

Detective Kenneth Hutchinson sat by his partner’s bedside, expressionless, praying with all that he had left to give, wishing it were him in that bed and not David Michael Starsky. He held the limp hand, wondering if he should still be allowed the privilege of touching his partner and best friend, knowing that Starsky would not be fighting for his life right now if he’d only been there. If only… God, if only…

~~~

Starsky sighed deeply as he watched the four boys racing around in excitement. How the hell did he get mixed up with going on a wilderness hike on a Sunday morning? Bloody Hutchinson, his partner, that’s how. His partner who was, to the best of his knowledge, still in bed with his latest girlfriend. Hutchinson, I’m gonna kill ya for this one! Starsky was working himself up into a rage, as he tried to stop the boys from touching his prized possession, the Torino.

Hutch was “big brother” to Ricky and had somehow allowed himself to be talked into taking Ricky and some of his friends on a wilderness hike, along with Angela Carter, one of the big brother program coordinators. The only problem was Hutch had a big night and had phoned Starsky, pleading with him to get things started, promising that he’d join them as soon as he dropped Gina at the airport. She was a stewardess and due back at work late that morning. He’d caught Starsky at a weak moment, and before he could wriggle out of it gracefully, he found himself at the park, with four very active ten-year-old boys, who were totally fascinated with his car.

Hutchinson, you’ll pay for this with blood if they hurt my car! Angela, although a nice person, seemed to have little control over the boys, seemingly finding amusement in their antics.

“Angela… Don’t you think we should calm ’em down?”

“How do you suggest we do that? They’re high spirited boys and want to go for a walk. They don’t mean any harm. Why don’t we get started.”

“Nuh, we’ll wait for Hutch. He’s the nature boy and I’m only here as a favor to him.” his voice trailed off at the sight of Pete climbing on his car. He walked over and swiftly picked him up to remove him from his car.

“Okay, Angela, let’s go.”

“Right boys, we’re going to start our walk now. Remember, single file, stick to the track and follow me. Detective Starsky will be following at the rear.”

“What about Ken? Will he know where we are?” Ricky was very fond of his “big brother” and wasn’t that keen on going without him.

“Yes honey, he knows,” and she nodded at Starsky “Ken and I have been out here before. Let’s go!”

Starsky shook his head in dismay as they set off. He had a very bad feeling about this walk and Hutch was going to pay dearly for this.

Once they started walking, the boys calmed down quite a lot, to Starsky’s relief. He was also pleased to move them away from the Torino. He didn’t enjoy hiking at the best of times and a Sunday morning, with four over-active ten-year-old boys, wasn’t the best of times for him. It didn’t take long for the natural boyish naughtiness to take over and Ricky started pushing Stevie around. Stevie turned around and started to hit Ricky, who ducked away, out of the reach of Starsky who soon sought to break it up. The others stopped to watch and to Starsky and Angela’s dismay, he ran off the track. Starsky indicated that he’d follow him, and told the others to stay put.

“Ricky, come back here! Ricky…” a scream froze his blood.

“Ricky? Ricky? Where are you?” Angela had followed him, keeping a firm eye on the other boys, telling them in no uncertain terms to stick close. The scream had frightened them and they had no intention of leaving Starsky or Angela. Starsky walked cautiously forward, wishing Hutch was with them. He was a lot better at the outdoors thing than he was. He came to a halt when he saw where Ricky had fallen. It was a very sudden drop, and Starsky couldn’t see the bottom but he could see that Ricky had been lucky and was balanced precariously on a ledge. The ledge wasn’t that far from the top but if he were to fall off the ledge, the fall would be catastrophic. Starsky fell to the ground on his stomach and leaned over, stretching his arm down to Ricky, to see if he could reach him. Ricky was hysterical, and holding on to the crumbly surface and not looking. He was sobbing, concentrating on holding on and not looking down.

“Ricky, grab my hand” but Ricky couldn’t hear him and could only hold the gravelly surface, keeping his eyes tightly shut.

“Angela, there’s a rope in the Torino trunk. Please go get it.” He threw her the keys.

“We need help, David. We can’t do this, not on our own.”

“I know, but we need to secure him somehow. You can see the state he’s in. Please get me the rope as quickly as you can, and get back here. Then you take the boys and get help. HURRY!” he saw Angela hesitate. She turned around and gathered up the three frightened boys.

“Come on boys, we’ve got to go.” Starsky watched them run off, and prayed that they’d get back in time. He could see Ricky wouldn’t be able to hold it together much longer and the ledge appeared to be very unstable.

“Hey Ricky. Ken will be here soon. Whadda ya think he’d do right now?”

“I wish he was here,” Ricky sobbed, breaking Starsky’s heart. He wished he was too, for he knew that Hutch would know what to do whereas he was stumbling around. Before he could say anything else, he turned at the sound of Angela returning.

“That was quick.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Throw him a rope and try to secure him and you’re gonna go for help.”

“But he’s so scared David. Look at him holding on.”

“Perhaps I’d better go down then.”

“David you can’t.”

“Don’t have a lotta choice.” He looked at the rope, wishing it was a bit and climb down to him. He can’t hold on for much longer and I don’t think that ledge will hold. Where are the others?”

“At the car, with strict instructions not to move. Are you sure about this?”

Starsky ignored the question. He most definitely wasn’t sure about this, but he had no other ideas. He couldn’t let Ricky stay perched on the ledge.

“Can you stay here and help pull him up? I’ll climb down, tie the rope around him, and he’ll have to climb up, with you pulling him. Then throw the rope down to me, and I’ll come back up.” Angela just watched him as he tied the rope to the tree and started to scramble down, halting as he took his second step. He hated heights and this wasn’t doing much for his peace of mind. Hutchinson, you are a dead man!

“Dave, are you okay?” Angela noted his hesitation .

“Yep.” and with that he took the remaining steps to the ledge that Ricky was perched on. Ricky moved to grab Starsky, nearly overbalancing him. Starsky, with difficulty tied the rope around Ricky, tying it so that it was around him, not able to slip off which would ensure he couldn’t fall, or if he did, he’d not be able to fall the rest of the way. Somehow he and Angela would get him up.

“Okay, Ricky. Now, you’ll have to pull yourself up. You can’t fall, the rope is tied around you securely and Angela will help pull you up. It’s not far up and Ken will be very proud of you.”

Ricky looked as terrified as Starsky felt but with those words of encouragement, he pulled himself together. After all, Starsky was right, it wasn’t that far to the top. Angela started pulling on the rope and with difficulty Ricky started his climb.

Starsky watched in concern as he scrambled up, kicking rocks down towards him. He had to cover his face as the shower continued but Ricky was on his way to safety. Starsky accidentally looked down and felt sick. He really did detest heights and he found himself trying not to panic at the fall below him. The sound of falling rocks, as the ledge started to protest his weight, wasn’t doing anything for his peace of mind. A glance up showed that Angela was pulling Ricky to safety. Thank God. He found himself trying to grip the rocks, to get a good hold, in case the ledge was to give way. The rope should be on its way back. He gritted his teeth, trying to hold in his panic. All his annoyance with Hutch was gone as he held on as firmly as he could. He wanted Hutch there, but only so that he could help him.

“Here Dave, here’s the rope” but even as she threw the rope down, Starsky heard the ledge crumbling under his weight. As he reached for the rope and grabbed it, the ledge fell out from under him and he was left dangling, hanging on to the rope with both hands. He had no leverage to get a better grip and he was more scared than he’d ever been. God, HUTCH, he heard his mind screaming and he heard Angela screaming.

“DAVE, hold on.” she was sobbing, knowing she didn’t have the strength to pull Starsky up and it didn’t look like Starsky had a good grip on the rope. Starsky could feel the rope slipping and he desperately tried to get a foothold, swinging wildly as he accidentally pushed himself away from the surface, but it was no use. The surface was crumbly and he didn’t have a good enough grip. As he felt the rope slipping through his hands, his last thought was of Hutch and he fell, bouncing, landing hard, as he fell down the cliff and disappearing from Angela’s horrified sight.

“Oh God, oh God!” She was hysterical, as was Ricky who’d seen Starsky fall. She pulled herself together and grabbed Ricky. “We’ve got to get help Ricky. RUN” and they ran back to the car.

 

Chapter 2

Hutch drove slowly back from the airport, feeling very relaxed and happy. He’d had a wonderful evening with Gina, his new girlfriend. He allowed himself to feel a momentary pang of guilt when he thought about Starsky but it didn’t take hold. His feeling of well-being and relaxation wouldn’t go and he decided he’d stop at his favorite health food shop to grab some lunch. He knew that Angela would have everything under control and that Starsky would limit his complaints in front of her. He also realized he’d pay dearly and have to listen to his litany of complaints later that day, but it would be worth it for the wonderful night he’d just spent.

His feeling of contentment lasted, only getting marginally annoyed as he was overtaken by Emergency Services units. He wondered where they were heading, and when he realized he was following them, he tried to banish the feeling of unease that he had. Shit, yes they were heading to the same place. His foot hit the accelerator as he increased his speed, the slight unease growing rapidly.

He squealed his car to a halt, watching in horror as he saw a group of emergency services people standing around, obviously making plans for a rescue. He looked around anxiously and saw Angela, standing in a group crying. His heart fell. It was Starsky. Angela saw him and ran up to him, throwing herself into his arms.

“Ken, Ken…”

He automatically put his arms around her, feeling sick at heart.

“He fell Ken, saving Ricky…”

“How far? Where is he?” Hutch had trouble getting the words out.

“Ken, they’re looking for him now. It was a bad fall. The ledge collapsed and he couldn’t hold the rope. Ricky and the boys have been taken home. The area was thick with trees and brush and it was hard to see where he fell.” Angela looked into Ken’s white face. She didn’t want to tell him that she didn’t see how anyone could survive such a fall but she didn’t need to say a word. Ken gently pulled away from her, wanting to be involved in the search. He looked around trying to work out who was in charge, when he heard a conversation that filled him with rage.

“Look, this guy fell down the Peak! It’s at least a 40 foot drop! We’re looking for a body here, a dead body! No way could anyone survive that. We don’t have enough man power to cover all the area. I think we should…” He broke off as he felt himself grabbed and thrown against a car, gazing in fear at the enraged man.

“LISTEN YOU LITTLE SCUM. DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE BUT THAT ‘GUY’ YOU’RE LOOKING FOR IS MY PARTNER.” Hutch shook his victim, who tried unsuccessfully to pull away but before anyone else could say anything, an even larger man came and pulled them apart.

“We’re not doing anyone any good arguing. The search will proceed as I’ve instructed, Angus! I don’t know who you are sir, but we will do our best to find your partner. I’m sorry that you heard that conversation. It’s an ongoing battle that we have about man power and we have a lot of ground to cover to try to find your friend. It won’t affect our efforts to find your partner believe me.”

Hutch calmed down as he looked into the kind face. He knew all about lack of man power but the thought that his partner might be lost forever out here because of it, made him physically sick. Starsky so hated the outdoors, it didn’t seem right that he’d lose his life outside, alone, in an environment that was so alien to him. He wished he could turn back the clock several hours. This was his fault. Starsky should never have been out here, especially without him. He felt sick when he realized what his great night of passion might have cost him.

“I’m okay… thanks.” his voice broke off. “I want to help in the search, he’s my best friend and partner.”

“We’ve got experienced men out there, climbing the cliff face. There’s no way of telling where your partner may have landed and we’ve carefully planned it so that we have groups coming from the ground, and climbing down. There’s nothing really you can do except wait. I know it’s hard but we can’t afford to have another fall. That argument that you heard was because I want to bring another group in to approach from the east. It means we’re a bit thin with people from the top, but it’s covered. We’ll do everything in our power to find your friend.” With a friendly pat on the shoulder, he turned back to speak into his radio, leaving Hutch stunned and sick to his heart.

Hutch recognized that he was out of his depth with the experienced rescuers but he found it hard to stomach, just sitting back and waiting while others looked for his partner. They were both better at finding each other than anyone. He looked around wildly, frustrated and frightened. He knew the place where Starsky had fallen and it was bad news. It was a 40 or 50 foot drop into a heavily wooded area. They’d have to find him by night, or the chances for his survival would be zero. A badly injured Starsky couldn’t survive a night out doors and Hutch knew that his injuries would be bad. No one could fall like that and come out with a broken ankle.

Angela approached him cautiously; very worried about the extreme tension and anxiety she could feel emanating from him.

“Ken? They’ll find him I’m sure and he’ll be fine.” Hutch looked at her anxious face.

“They’ll find him Angie but how can he be okay? You know the fall, for God’s sake, you saw him fall. Did it look like he’d be okay?” Hutch was raising his voice, in fear and anger.

Angela’s eyes filled with tears. She knew how close these two men were.

“He shouldn’t even be here Angie. You know that, and I know that. He should be at home, eating one of his awful burritos. This was my responsibility and I let him down. He hates the wilderness, hates hiking. He was only here because of me.” his voice started to break. “Because I wanted to sleep in, my partner and best friend could be dead.” His eyes filled with tears at the thought and Angela pulled him into an embrace, fighting her own tears. He took the comfort for only a few minutes before pulling away.

“Don’t try to make me feel better Angie. I don’t deserve it. I may have killed my best friend, the best friend anyone could ever have.” He turned away and walked towards the rescue team station that had been set up. Angela watched him sadly, knowing that he wouldn’t survive losing Starsky.

Suddenly there seemed to be excitement and the sounds of shouting. Starsky had been found.

 

Chapter 3

Hutch turned around, looking at the excitement. “What is it? What’s going on?”

“We’ve found him sir but he’s in a pretty bad way. It’s not going to be easy to get him out and we’re gonna have to take it slow and steady.” Hutch’s heart sank at the words “pretty bad way.”

It seemed a lifetime for the impatient Hutch, waiting at the top of the cliff. Starsky had been found lying against a tree. It had broken his fall. If it hadn’t he would have ended up in the river and doubtless drowned. However, landing on a tree after a fall like the one he took would certainly cause more injuries. As the gurney was pulled up from the cliff, Hutch looked at the white figure of his best friend, completely strapped in, with a neck brace on, and his face covered with bruises and cuts. Hutch was pushed out of the way by the paramedics who needed to try to establish his condition.

Seeing the open wound in Starsky’s left side and hearing him wheezing told the paramedics that their patient most likely had broken ribs and a punctured lung.

“LETS MOVE! WE DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME! HE’S FADING FAST AND IS GONNA NEED CHEST TUBES. WE NEED TO GET HIM OUT OF HERE NOW!”

The medic moistened a sterile dressing with a saline solution and covered the nasty tear in Starsky’s left side. An IV was started immediately and the medics made sure he was totally immobilized.

“We’re going to have to air lift him out of here. He won’t survive if we delay any longer. Can we get the Medivac chopper?”

“Done. It will be here in a couple of minutes…” even as the man spoke, there was the sound of an approaching helicopter. “I radioed in when he was found. I figured that he’d be in a bad way.”

Hutch watched the men fighting to save his partner’s life in bewilderment. He was in shock and couldn’t quite believe what was happening. That white, bleeding man didn’t look like Starsky. This couldn’t be happening. He shook his head, which was beginning to throb. He pulled himself together enough to insist on going with the helicopter. As Starsky was the only patient, he was permitted to go with him.

On the helicopter, all Hutch could do was watch his partner’s chest to make sure that he was still breathing. He almost passed out when Starsky’s heart stopped en route to the trauma center. The medics quickly grabbed the defibrillator and shocked Starsky’s already bruised and bleeding chest. Hutch could only watch in horror.

“Okay, we’ve got him back. We’d better get there soon as I’m not sure how long he’s gonna stay with us.” Hutch listened to the words, trying not to break down.

The medics worked furiously, starting IV’s and closely monitoring Starsky’s respiratory status. His breathing was shallow and labored, occasionally making choking, gurgling type sounds.

“He’s not getting any air! We need to intubate now! And I need suction stat… sounds like he might be choking!”

One paramedic kept Starsky’s head as still as possible, knowing that any movement to his neck could sever his spinal cord, if it was not already cut by the fall, while another inserted the endotracheal tube into his throat. They secured the endo tube and began to bag oxygen into their patient. Starsky was a pale shade of grey, almost cyanotic due to the lack of oxygen and was going into shock fast. The bottom of the backboard was elevated in an attempt to increase his rapidly falling blood pressure.

The medics had no time to attend to the blond man who was begging to know what was going on, as tears poured down his face. This was all just too much for Hutch and he was not handling it well at all. Hutch began to feel faint when the endo tube was inserted and blood poured from Starsky’s mouth. It seemed an eternity, but they arrived at the trauma center within fifteen minutes. Guilt plagued him and watching his partner’s heart stop brought back horrific memories of another time when Starsky’s heart had stopped. Would he be fortunate to have his partner beat the odds twice in a lifetime?

A large trauma team was there to meet them on the roof of the hospital as the MediVac unit landed. Starsky was whisked into the trauma center and another nurse assisted Hutch who was trembling, almost too weak to walk on his own. Another nurse rushed to help her when Hutch went pale and collapsed.

The trauma team was ready for their patient as the medics called ahead to warm them that they were bringing in a critically injured man in his early thirty’s, who had fallen 40 feet off of a cliff, with what looked like a severe spinal injury, a possible head injury, multiple cuts and bruises, a gash in his left rib area and they assessed that he had broken bones. Their biggest concern at this time though was the cardiac arrest and respiratory failure that occurred on the way to the hospital.

~~~

“BE CAREFUL NOT TO MOVE HIM, WE’RE LOOKING AT A SEVERE SPINAL CORD INJURY. WE DON’T WANT TO PARALYSE HIM IF HE’S NOT ALREADY…

“GET HIS CLOTHING CUT OFF OF HIM! DO THE BEST YOU CAN WITHOUT MOVING HIM.

“THIS MAN’S IN SHOCK, GET HIS FEET ELEVATED! I NEED 10MG OF DEXAMETHASONE IV STAT AND GET THOSE IV’S WIDE OPEN!”

Starsky was losing ground fast, but the trauma team was known to be one of the best in LA and continued to work furiously on the unconscious man now in their care. The alarm on the heart monitor sounded. A straight line told them they had to move even more quickly.

“HE’S OUT! GET THE DEFIBRILLATOR READY AND GIVE ME THE PADDLES NOW!

“200 JOULES!

“CLEAR!

“DAMN IT! NO RESPONSE!

“400 JOULES!

“CLEAR!”

Starsky’s body arched and twitched with each volt of electricity. His heart began to beat once more.

“1 MG SODIUM BICARB NOW! WE HAVE NO TIME TO LOSE! GET THE LAB IN HERE NOW, I WANT BLOOD GASES ON THIS MAN AND DOUBLE CHECK THE VENTILATOR, MAKE SURE HE’S GETTING ENOUGH OXYGEN.”

 

Chapter 4

Hutch woke, disoriented for a few moments, before it all came flooding back to him what happened.

“STARSKY!!!!!”

“Hutch, take it easy, their working on him now.”

“I have to see him Cap’n! I did this to him! God if he doesn’t make it because of me… Oh God!”

Hutch was sobbing and with much difficulty got himself off the litter and out of the small cubicle to go in search of his partner. Nothing was going to stop him. He held onto the side of the litter until a wave of dizziness and nausea passed enough for him to find Starsky.

“Hutch! C’mon, their not gonna let you in there. They’re doing everything they can for him son. Please try to relax, you’re not doing yourself or Starsky any good by getting yourself this upset.”

“I have to see him! Just leave me the fuck alone… let me go!”

Hutch pulled out of the strong hold that Captain Dobey had on his arms and fled in search of his best friend, hoping he was still alive. He thought for a moment that maybe Dobey lied to him to keep him calm. He couldn’t feel his partner’s spirit, life or soul the way they usually could with each other. He had to see for himself that Starsky was still alive. He found the strength to go in search of the other half of his heart.

“OKAY, I THINK WE HAVE HIS HEART STABILIZED. INSERT AN NG TUBE, WE NEED TO DO A GASTRIC LAVAGE TO SEE IF HE HAS ANY INTERNAL BLEEDING, AND GET A CATHETER INTO HIM. I WANT THE LAB TO CHECK FOR BLOOD IN HIS URINE. CALL FOR A BED IN INTENSIVE CARE IN THE CARDIAC UNIT. THEY’LL NEED TO KEEP A CLOSE EYE ON HIS HEART, AND THEY’RE GOING TO HAVE TO WATCH HIM CLOSELY FOR SIGNS OF INTRACRANIAL PRESSURE, HE TOOK A PRETTY BAD KNOCK TO HIS HEAD…”

The doctor read off a long list of orders including x-rays, more lab work, consults with doctors from Neurology, Cardiology and Orthopedics. A special bed, called a Stryker frame was ordered, due to the spinal cord injury that was detected via x-ray and also Crutchfield tongs would need to be inserted into the sides of Starsky’s head, under local anesthesia to assure total immobilization of his head and spinal column.

Hutch recognized his friend, even with all of the tubes and machinery attached to him, as he was transported to Intensive Care. He looked up as a weary looking doctor approached him.

“Are you Mr. Starsky’s next of kin?”

Hutch didn’t hesitate “Yes, I am. How is he? Is he going to be okay?”

“May I ask what your relationship is to him?”

“DOES IT MATTER? I’m Ken Hutchinson. I’m his partner, and best friend…” Hutch’s voice broke as he wondered if he had any right to make that claim any more. It was because of him that Starsky lay broken and fighting for his life. “I’m his only family here in LA. His mother is in New York, please…”

“I’m afraid Mr. Starsky is in critical condition. Frankly, I’m amazed he’s survived this long. He took a really bad fall Mr. Hutchinson. He has multiple cuts and bruises, broken ribs which punctured his lung, broken leg, broken arm, possible head injury and severe spinal cord injury. He’s suffered a cardiac arrest and respiratory failure already and I doubt that we’ll be able to bring him back, should this happen again.”

Hutch looked like he was about to pass out, so the doctor gently moved him towards a chair.

“He’ll be okay though? He will live!” Hutch could barely whisper the words.

“I’m sorry Mr. Hutchinson, I really don’t know. His body has suffered a major trauma and even if he does live, you may have to prepare yourself…”

“What?” Hutch’s terrified look was almost more than the weary doctor could take. How he hated this part of the job.

“The spinal cord injury may mean that Mr. Starsky will be paralyzed from the neck down.”

Hutch didn’t react, he just stared at the doctor. “But, this…” he couldn’t continue.

“If the spinal cord is severed, it will be permanent and there isn’t anything we can do to repair the damage.”

“Oh God, Oh my God.” Hutch felt himself breaking down. Starsky paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of his life. BECAUSE OF HIM! BECAUSE HE’D HAD GREAT SEX AND WANTED TO SPEND THE MORNING WITH A GIRL! He felt the nausea rise and had to run out of the room, leaving the doctor staring after him. The doctor hadn’t even had a chance to mention the possibility of brain damage caused by the head injury.

Hutch ran out of the hospital, trying to control his breathing. He was very close to hyperventilating with panic. This couldn’t be happening. WHY? Why had he asked Starsky to go on the hike. He knew how Starsky hated the outdoors but he knew he’d go anyway. Why? Because Starsky loved him and would do anything for him, as he would for Starsky. But he hadn’t done anything for Starsky. He’d talked him into going on a walk, which had destroyed him, broken his body beyond repair. Hutch was out in the garden, not even realizing that tears were pouring down his face as he collapsed on the ground, sobbing with despair, not noticing that Dobey had followed him and had his hand gently resting on his shoulder, his own heart breaking at the abject despair that he felt from Hutch.

“Hutch?”

“Leave me alone Cap’n.”

“Hutch, you’re in no shape to be alone. I know you’re hurting and I know the odds seem to be against Starsky’s survival and…”

“I said to leave me the hell alone!”

Hutch was on his knees, sobbing, hating himself for what had happened and nearing a breakdown.

“If… if he survives! Yeah right Cap’n… if he lives he’ll be a vegetable for the rest of his life and its all because getting laid was more important to me that being there for Starsky. Oh God Cap’n, I can’t imagine the terror he must have felt, feeling the rope slipping from his hands, knowing he was going to fall. He hated heights! I mean he… hates heights.”

“Listen son, it was an accident, not your fault. You couldn’t have known that this would happen.”

Dobey put his arm around Hutch and helped him to a standing position. He felt Hutch trembling and trying to catch his breath, and saw his tears. Dobey knew his blond detective was very close to the edge. He decided he would call Huggy to stay with Hutch when he was not able to do so. He feared what would happen to Hutch or what actions he would take should Starsky not live. He had always known that one would not survive long without the other. He led Hutch back into the hospital, praying for some good news. He had a bad feeling but was a man of faith and believed in miracles. He had to, he had seen too many of them happen for his boys in the past not to believe.

 

Chapter 5

Starsky had not regained consciousness since he was rushed to the hospital two days ago. He now lay in intensive care, a respirator inflating and deflating his lungs, as he was not able to breathe on his own. IV’s upon more IV’s, monitors and more monitors, chest tubes sown into his left rib area in an attempt to reinflate a collapsed lung. Tubes in just about every orifice, one draining his bladder, another suctioning the contents of his stomach so he would not be able to vomit and choke. He was secured onto a special bed for those unfortunate enough to have sustained a severe spinal cord injury and the skeletal tongs, which were inserted into his skull under local anesthesia, would further restrain him should he wake and try to move his head. When and ‘if’ he woke, he would have excruciating pain in his head from the necessary but ugly traction.

Captain Dobey and Huggy stayed close by in the ICU waiting room, frequently asking questions about Starsky’s condition and keeping a close eye on their blond friend, who seemed to be deteriorating by the minute, refusing to leave Starsky’s side.

Hutch never left his side, from the moment he’d been moved into ICU. He only stepped out into the hall when the nurses came to work on their patient, suctioning unwanted secretions that were building up in Starsky’s lungs, changing soiled sheets and carefully attending to the IV’s, monitors, chest tubes and the respirator, among other things. Starsky’s condition was critical and the doctor had told Hutch, Dobey and Huggy that his chances of survival were slim and that even if he would survive he would most likely be paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of his life and might very well have permanent brain damage.

Huggy tried to get Hutch to eat but his attempts were futile. Hutch didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, only drank enough liquids to keep him alive. His enthusiasm for life was gone, his spirit dying as misery and sorrow consumed him.

“Hutch, ya gotta eat to keep your strength up. Starsky wouldn’t want you doing this to yourself.”

“You don’t understand Hug, he wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for me. I should have been there for him and I wasn’t. He could died… he could fucking die or be an invalid for the rest of his life… and its all my fault. I was irresponsible… unreliable… stupid! I wouldn’t blame him if he hated me Hug. He has every right.”

“Hutch, ya gotta stop blaming yourself for this. It was an accident. You couldn’t have prevented it. Starsky could die, we both know that, but would he want you to die with him? Would he want you to stop living? I think you know the answer to that. Starsky loves you Hutch, you know he wouldn’t blame you even if you had pushed him off that cliff. He just loves you too damn much and it would hurt him if he saw what you’re doing to yourself.”

“Huggy, I know you’re only trying to help, but he’s PARALYSED! Do you know what that means? You’re not the one who’s gonna have to tell him that he’ll never be a cop again… never be a man again… never drive his car or take a walk along the beach… not even be able to go to the bathroom by himself… will need someone to feed him, wash him… Do you know what this is gonna do to him!!! God Huggy! He doesn’t deserve this. It should have been me! Not him… not Starsky! Please go Huggy. I don’t need a babysitter. I need to be alone with him. Please, just get out of here will ya?”

Huggy knew when to back off and Hutch was not going budge. He was dying along with his partner, maybe even faster. Huggy stood in the doorway of Starsky’s room, glancing back at his two friends, one unconscious and one trembling with tears staining his pale face, he watched as Hutch occasionally bowed his head and his shoulders were racked with sobs, grief and despair.

Hutch remained in that position of despair, until a noise interrupted him. Movement, Starsky was moving, no it wasn’t movement he was convulsing. Being in traction meant that he was restricted but there was no question that he was in trouble. Hutch just stared and trembled, unable to speak or call for help as he watched his friend’s body betray him once more. Even before he could fully react, he was gently pulled out of the room by one of the nurses as the medical staff commenced their fight for his life again.

 

Chapter 6

Hutch stood outside of the room, trying to see what was happening to his partner. He watched as a nurse tried to steady Starsky’s head, as any movement could cause more injury to his already traumatized spinal column and it was crucial that the head traction remained in place. Nurses and doctors rushed past Hutch as he stood frozen in the hallway. He heard bits and pieces of conversation from the medical staff.

(intracranial pressure)

(blood clot)

(possible hemorrhage)

(get him to the operating room now)

(Craniotomy)

(Hurry, we’re losing him)

Hutch turned and walked away from the room. Now that he was faced with it, he didn’t want to watch Starsky die. He’d always figured that they’d be there for each other, even at the end, but this was different. This was his fault. Starsky was going to die because of his irresponsibility. He killed Starsky and he couldn’t watch the life leave his best friend.

He kept walking, not seeing anyone, or hearing any noise, trapped in his own guilt ridden world. He found himself climbing stairs, going in the direction of the roof, but not knowingly. He just wanted to get away from the dying figure of his friend. The friend he’d killed. Sobs rose in him again, but he’d cried so much and had no tears left. This dry, emptiness was worse than anything and this is what his life would be from now on. A world without Starsky. No, he wasn’t ready for a world without Starsky but he knew he never would be. The knowledge that he caused this to happen was more than he could bear.

As he reached the roof of the hospital, he looked up at the stars sprinkling the night sky. The world would keep turning, life would go on, he knew that. The best friend a man could ever wish for was dead, but the world would keep turning. He found himself heading in the direction of the roof ledge, still without conscious thought, just full of pain and anguish.

He let himself think about when he first met Starsky. Had he known then how much the curly haired man would come to mean to him? He didn’t think so. They’d been so different, opposite in tastes, in background. Those differences hadn’t made a difference, somehow they complemented each other and an incredible friendship and partnership had been formed. They fought, sometimes bitterly, it was hard working with someone who meant so much to you, especially in a job that often required that they risk their lives. Watching someone you love put themselves at risk did cause stress and sometimes it was just their differences that made them fight. The fights didn’t count, not in the end. Starsky rarely stayed angry with him. One of his greatest attributes was his forgiving and loving heart. Despite being outgoing by nature, and seemingly always cheerful, he didn’t give his heart easily, any more than Hutch did himself. When he did, it was forever and Hutch counted himself as blessed that he’d been loved by such a person. Not that Starsky spoke of it often, but it was always there. How he’d hugged him after Gillian died, even after being punched, how he’d held him in an alley when he was a strung out junkie, how he’d refused to give up when he went missing after his car fell down a ravine and how he’d forced his way into the hospital when he was dying with the plague.

Not many people were fortunate enough to have such a friend. He was, and now he’d lost him. Just because he’d wanted to spend some extra time with a new girlfriend. That was over, for he knew he’d never be able to face her again. But then wasn’t everything over? How could he go on without Starsky. Let the fucking world go on, but he didn’t want a part of it. Still without conscious thought, he neared the edge.

“Hutch, Hutch my man, what’s going on?”

Hutch hadn’t heard Huggy approach him and just continued to look down. One of the nurses had seen Hutch leave and the direction he’d gone and when Huggy arrived, made sure he knew. She hadn’t been there when Starsky had convulsed but she’d seen him being taken to operating room and guessed that he’d taken a turn for the worst. She’d observed the strong bond between the men and was instinctively worried about the stone faced man who’d walked past her, not seeing anything.

Still looking down, Hutch muttered “He’s dead Hug. My best friend is dead…” his voice broke at the sound of the words.

“No bro, he’s in the operating room. That’s what I heard anyway.”

“How can he survive Hug? He’s so badly broken and even if he does survive, what life is it? He’s so active, he’s going to hate being stuck in bed. For God’s sake Hug — he’s not going to be able to do anything… I’m being fuckin’ selfish, AGAIN, to wish he’d live.” Hutch broke down again, somehow finding fresh tears. Huggy approached him, and pulled him into an embrace, making sure they both moved from the ledge. Hutch put up no resistance.

“Hey, Starsk is Starsk! He’s beaten the odds before and he’s tough. He’s not gonna give up that easily and…” Huggy found it hard to continue as he thought of the strong and independent Starsky stuck in bed. He said the only thing he could think of. “He wouldn’t want you to give up. Now let’s go face the doctor.”

 

Chapter 7

Starsky had been rushed to the operating room for emergency surgery. A blood clot, which was not detected at first, had developed causing severe intracranial pressure. The surgeon had to move fast as this complication could kill the already broken man even faster. Starsky was transferred onto the operating table and prepared for a craniotomy to remove the blood clot and reduce the pressure on his brain. The surgery was very delicate as the surgeon had to carefully work around the skeletal traction already in place. The pressure on Starsky’s brain caused him to vomit profusely, too much for the tube in his stomach to handle. He was suctioned immediately, but not before aspirating on his own secretions. One doctor assessed and treated his respiratory status while the other worked furiously to remove the clot. Starsky’s chances of survival were decreasing by the minute.

“OKAY, WE NEED TO HURRY, THIS MAN IS LOSING GROUND FAST!”

“PUT A CALL INTO DR. MYERS, I WANT HIM HERE ASAP! MR. STARSKY ASPIRATED WHEN HE VOMITED. HE NEEDS A LUNG SPECIALIST.”

“DOCTOR, MR. STARSKY’S BLOOD PRESSURE IS DROPPING… 80 OVER 40 AND FALLING.”

“SHIT! STRAIGHT LINE! HE’S OUT, LETS MOVE!”

“GIVE ME THE PADDLES AND SET THE DEFIBRILLATOR FOR 200 JOULES.”

“CLEAR!”

“DAMN IT!”

“400 JOULES!”

“HE’S NOT RESPONDING, THIS ISN’T GOING TO WORK. GIVE ME THE SCALPEL! WE’RE GONNA NEED TO DO CARDIAC MASSAGE TO TRY TO GET HIM BACK.”

“SUCTION! GET THIS BLOOD OUT OF THE WAY!”

“C’MON DAVID! SHOW US SOME RHYTHM HUH?”

“DOCTOR, I’M GETTING A BLOOD PRESSURE… IT’S LOW, BUT IT’S THERE.”

“THAT’S IT DAVID… NOW YOU KEEP THAT HEART OF YOURS GOING FOR US OKAY?”

Starsky now had a long incision in his chest and another on his head. The craniotomy was a success and the blood clot was removed before it burst. Once again his heart was beating in a normal sinus rhythm.

~~~

Hutch was almost out of his mind and ready to blow. It had been five hours since Starsky was taken into surgery and no one would tell him anything. Captain Dobey and Huggy did what they could to try and calm Hutch, but it was no use.

Hutch just paced back and forth, stared out of the window, sat with his head in his hands, cried, shook and prayed.

God Starsk, I’m so sorry. I want you to live cause I need ya so much, but then I want you to die, knowing you won’t have a life even if you survive. I don’t know how I’m gonna face you buddy. I’ve destroyed your life. I’ve taken away your freedom, your dignity, your whole fucking life. If you live… I promise I’ll take care of you for the rest of your days.

Who am I kidding? I don’t know if I can do this. Every time I look at you I’ll know that you’re an invalid because of me. You’ll be in a bed for the rest of your life. You’re a proud man Starsk, I know you’re not gonna want someone feeding you, washing you, cleaning you up. Damn! I know how much you loved being a cop Starsk. I won’t have another partner. I’m gonna quit the force.

I just feel like quitting this whole fucking life! I’m not gonna be able to make it without you buddy. I don’t know what to do Starsk. I hate myself for what I did to you. It should have been me, not you. You never could say no to me could ya? God!

“Mr. Hutchinson?”

“That’s me doc… is he… did he…”

“Mr. Hutchinson, I’m Dr. Larson, why don’t you sit down before you fall down… you feeling okay?”

“Just dizzy, I’m okay. How’s my partner?”

“David came through the surgery just fine. He’s in the recovery room now. His condition is still critical, but his vital signs are stable. He did arrest one time on the table, but we got him back. You’ll see a long incision on his chest… we needed to do cardiac massage to revive him, but he’s doing all right now. We removed the blood clot out and relieved the pressure on his brain. I expect him to wake up in the next 16 to 24 hours. He’s going to need a lot of support and he’ll be scared when he realizes he can’t move. He’ll have a lot of pain in his head from the traction. We’ll keep him as comfortable as we can. Do you have any questions Mr. Hutchinson?”

“Is there any chance at all that he’ll ever walk again?”

“There’s no way of telling that right now, we need to wait for the swelling around his spinal cord to go down. I’m sorry.”

Hutch was numb. He was sick and cold at heart as he watched his best friend being wheeled back into the ICU room. Dobey and Huggy could only watch in despair, knowing that they were losing both friends. Huggy hadn’t told Dobey about the roof yet, but it had really shaken him up. Hutch hadn’t seemed to be consciously walking towards jumping but there was no question he had been heading that way. How were they all going to get through this?

 

Chapter 8

Hutch went to sit by Starsky’s bed and gently took the limp hand, frightened of all the monitors attached to him. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen machines attached to Starsky, but he knew he’d never get used to it. Please God give me the strength to help him, he found himself praying. The only times he moved over the next few days was when the medical staff ushered him out, bathroom breaks and when Huggy forced drinks on him. He’d eaten very little and was looking worn and haggard. Huggy knew he couldn’t keep this up for much longer. Something had to give.

On Thursday morning, two weeks after the fall that changed his life, Starsky opened his eyes. Hutch noticed immediately and leant in to him, trying to force a smile, and noticing the fear in the blue eyes. Starsky couldn’t move, or talk. Hutch was moved out of the room as the doctors came in to try to assess his condition. Hutch walked like a zombie. Dobey and Huggy jumped up to see him.

“He’s awake.” Hutch couldn’t believe it, or banish the sight of the fear he’d seen in Starsky’s eyes. “Doctors are in there now. Guess we’ll find out soon.”

“Mr. Hutchinson?”

“How is he?” Hutch was almost to scared to believe that Starsky had regained consciousness.

“I wish I could say definitively that he’ll be okay but he has a long road ahead of him. He must be a fighter though, or he’d not be with us. His vitals have stabilized which is a very good sign, but it’s too early to assess the exact amount of damage. It’s still very much a waiting game, although now that he’s regained consciousness we will be running some tests on him.”

Hutch felt faint. The nightmare seemed endless and he suddenly had to get out of the hospital.

Hutch pushed his way out of the room and was out of sight before Dobey or Huggy could see where he went. His best friend’s body was damaged, broken, and even now that he had regained consciousness, they still had to wait to see if he’d be able to live a normal life again.

He walked and walked, tears streaming down his face. He was beyond caring what anyone thought. All he could think of was Starsky lying helpless and broken in that bed, possibly for the rest of his life. Eventually he found himself in a dark, smoke filled bar and took a seat in the back where he could be alone. He needed to kill the pain he was feeling and began to drink, starting with beer, but when that failed to numb his pain, moving onto whisky. It didn’t help and hours later he was back out on the streets, still loathing himself and feeling more than a little disoriented and nauseous. Darkness had fallen as he continued to walk, occasionally throwing up from the large amount of alcohol he had consumed in an attempt to stop the hurt and guilt he was feeling. It stopped neither, and made him feel considerably worse.

Hutch once again found himself on the sidewalk, staring at the hospital that held his best friend. His head was pounding from the alcohol and his stomach was sore from vomiting. He was sober now and knew that he had been throwing up not just because of the alcohol, but because he was sick with guilt and despair at the thought of his actions, actions that cost Starsky his freedom and independence. Hutch was looking ragged and wearing down. Dark circles encased his already blood shot eyes. He was losing weight and had not combed his hair or showered in days. What was the use? He had no regard for his own life anymore, it was only Starsky that could bring him back now, and Starsky was not there or able to help him, not now, maybe not ever again. He knew he must have been looking pretty awful when a passerby stuck a five dollar bill in his hand. Is this what I have become now? A bum? I’m worse than a bum, I don’t even deserve that kind of life.

Hutch looked up at the hospital and knew he needed to try and be there for Starsky. He went home, took a shower, changed clothing and headed back to the hospital. The least he could do was to be there and apologize like a man. He didn’t expect or want forgiveness, but he had to try to make his best friend know how sorry he was. If Starsky wanted him to leave, then he would leave. He wouldn’t blame his partner if he never wanted to see him again.

I’m sure Huggy will visit you, and Dobey… maybe your ma will come to see you… you don’t need me Starsk, I’ve only hurt you. I’ve hurt you in the worst way possible. I don’t know what’s best any more. God, please forgive me for thinking like this, but I can’t stand the thought of Starsky suffering, he just doesn’t deserve it! He had so much to give, so much he wanted to do, he was so full of life. God, if I could take his place I’d do it in a minute. Could you take me too God? I can’t stand living with the guilt. I know I’m being selfish for wanting to take the easy way out, but I just can’t handle it… please.

 

Chapter 9

Starsky lay in the odd looking bed, terrified at not being able to move and suffering excruciating pains in his head. He tried to ask for something for the pain, but was not able to form the words. Tears rolled down his cheeks into his ears, and was even more terrorized when he could not reach up to wipe them away. He heard beeping monitors and the sound of a respirator. He knew he was not breathing on his own. But why? What had happened to him? Was he caught in a really bad nightmare? He struggled to speak. He only needed to get one word out… HUTCH. But his attempts were futile.

“David, try to relax.” A kind nurse wiped at the falling tears. “I know you’re scared, you’re in the hospital, as you had a bad fall. You can’t talk because of the tube in your throat that is helping you to breathe until you can breathe again on your own. I know it’s uncomfortable, but hopefully we can get it out soon. Are you having a lot of pain David? Blink your eyes once for ‘YES’ and twice for ‘NO’ okay?”

Starsky blinked his eyes once, indicating he was in pain. He wanted to know why but could only communicate yes or no.

“I’ll check with the doctor and see if we can give you anything for the pain. Is there anything else you need David?” She could see the fear and anguish in his eyes.

Starsky blinked once, indicating that there most definitely was something else he wanted. He wanted Hutch and some answers. Neither of which he could have right now. He wondered where his partner was. They never let each other alone when one was in the hospital, in pain, hurting.

“I wish I knew what it was that you needed David. I’m sorry. That tube will be out of your throat soon.”

“I know what he needs.” A soft voice came from behind.

The nurse turned to see the tall blond man and saw the same anguish in his eyes that she saw in David’s.

“You must be detective Hutchinson, I’ve been told you are David’s best friend and partner.”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“I’ll leave the two of you alone then. The doctor should be here soon to examine David. You can talk to the doctor then, I’m sure he’ll want to ask you some questions.”

The nurse left the room, leaving Hutch faced with the supine figure in the bed, the man who he was supposed to have protected. He stepped over to the bed where Starsky could see him, and laid a hand on his forehead, careful not to disturb the traction or the bandages. He wiped away at more tears that began to fall when Starsky found what he needed.

“Starsk… Oh God Starsk.” Hutch bowed his head, tears now streaming from his own eyes. “I’m so sorry Starsk, can you ever forgive me?”

Starsky tried once more to reach for Hutch’s hand and wanted to wipe his tears away. He wanted to ask what he was so sorry for and why he was crying. He blinked his eyes twice for ‘no’, realizing that Hutch didn’t know what that would mean just yet. He hated seeing his partner is so much pain. All he had to say was trapped inside of his mind. He had no way to communicate all he had to say to his best friend.

Oh Hutch, don’t cry. I hate it when you cry and are hurting. I want to wrap my arms around you and tell you everything will be okay, but I can’t. I can’t move… and I wish they would tell me why. I’m scared Hutch and my head hurts more than I can ever remember. What happened to me? And where have you been? I need you so much Hutch… please don’t leave again. I can’t take this without you being here. Please just don’t leave me. Please make this okay for us both.

 

Chapter 10

Hutch turned as the doctor entered the room and introduced himself.

“You must be Detective Hutchinson? I’m doctor Larson, I operated on David. He’s a lucky man to be alive.”

“I know who you are. He’s awake now. Can you tell us what’s going on?”

Hutch backed away from Starsky as though he were a china doll that might break, trying to hide his tears from the doctor.

“Well, let me say hello to David, then we can talk.”

Starsky longed desperately for Hutch to be at his side. He couldn’t understand why he backed away from him, out of his view. He tried again to talk, but the tube in his throat prevented him once more.

“Hi David, I’m doctor Larson. Try not to talk now. I think we can soon remove that tube from your throat. I’m going to have the nurses start to wean you off of the respirator and if you can breathe on your own, we can get rid of that nasty thing. That would feel a whole lot better wouldn’t it?” The doctor smiled at his patient, checking the bandages and making sure his art work was showing signs of healing. “The nurses told me that you know to blink once for ‘yes’ and twice for ‘no’, right?”

Starsky blinked once.

“Are you having a lot of pain?”

Starsky blinked once.

“David, can you move your arms or legs for me?”

Starsky concentrated very hard, praying that this time maybe he would be able to move something. He was unsuccessful once more. Tears welled in his eyes and slid down his face.

“It’s okay David. You’ve been through a lot. You had a nasty fall. Do you remember what happened to you?”

Starsky blinked twice for ‘no’, as more tears fell.

Detective Hutchinson? I’d like to talk to both of you. Would you mind coming over here to David’s bedside where he can see you?”

Hutch slowly made his way back to Starsky’s bedside, not touching the man lying in the bed, his partner and best friend. He showed no emotion. His eyes were vague and distant.

“Please call me Ken. What can you tell us doctor Larson?”

“I’m going to be direct with you both. David sustained some very serious injuries. David, I know you’re scared, but we’re going to do everything possible to help you. You took a nasty fall off of a cliff. You fell approximately 40 feet. I’m told you’re a Hero… that you saved a 10 year old little boy who almost fell off of that same cliff. You fell saving him David. That took a lot of courage, you should be proud, and your partner here should be very proud of you too.”

“Listen doc, will you tell us exactly what is wrong with my partner? What is the prognosis?”

Hutch was becoming agitated and felt the need to get away from Starsky. His guilt and shame were festering. His heart was racing and he began to perspire. He just wanted some answers. Maybe it would not be so bad after all.

“All right Ken. The first thing I need you both to do for me is to NOT give up hope and keep a positive attitude. David suffered a severe spinal cord injury. There is too much swelling around the spinal cord right now to be able to tell just how serious the injury is. If the spinal cord was severed, David could be paralyzed. There is a chance that it was not severed, but I am not going to get your hopes up. That chance is small. He also has several broken bones, including five broken ribs, a broken left leg and a broken right ankle. One of his ribs punctured his lung, causing it to collapse. The chest tubes are helping to re-inflate his lung and make his breathing easier. He has been too weak to breathe on his own, so we have the respirator to assist him.

“He also took a nasty hit to his head. A blood clot developed in David’s brain and that is where I came in. We needed to perform an emergency craniotomy to relieve the pressure on his brain and to remove the blood clot. The surgery was successful. Those things in your head David are a kind of traction to maintain the alignment of the cervical spine and to reduce any fractures or dislocations in the spinal column. When we are sure of exactly what we are dealing with here, we will remove that traction.

“This bed… the funny looking thing you are lying in, is called a Stryker frame. This is a special kind of bed we use when someone has a spinal cord injury. We can turn you onto your stomach and then onto your back without allowing any movement to the spine. This way you won’t get pressure sores from lying in one position for too long. The catheter will need to stay in place since at this time you have no feeling or control over your bladder. I want you both to know that there is a chance that the spinal cord might not be severed. We will just have to wait for the swelling to go down to know for sure. If the spinal cord should be severed, there are many programs that can help you to live as normal a life as possible. We have…”

Hutch had reached his breaking point. This was all too much for him to handle. He was now holding onto the siderails of the bed to steady himself as he felt faint and nauseous.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY DOCTOR! IS HE GOING TO WALK AGAIN OR NOT? IS HE EVER GOING TO BE NORMAL AGAIN?”

“Ken, I know this is a lot to handle. We are just going to have to wait and see.”

Starsky had gone white, tears streaming down his face. He was so powerless. He couldn’t ask any questions. He couldn’t move to reach for the hand that he desperately needed. The hand that obviously would not reach for his.

Hutch… please… I need you… why are you backing away from me? I need you so bad. I’m so scared Hutch. I don’t want to live if I am going to be like this for the rest of my life. I need you… why won’t you help me… just talk to me… please… take my hand… even if I can’t feel it, I’ll know you’re there… please don’t hate me for this… I’m sorry… please love me Hutch… don’t go away…

Seeing that Starsky was obviously extremely upset, the doctor ordered medication for the pain and for his anxiety. He knew that news like this was always devastating. His heart went out to the man lying helpless in the bed, and had second thoughts about the standing man who was supposed to be his best friend.

 

Chapter 11

Hutch let go of the siderails and ran into the hall, bracing himself up against the wall. Dr. Larson followed him, having one more thing to tell him that he did not want to say in front of Starsky.

“Mr. Hutchinson, I know that all I have told you and David is very upsetting. There is one more thing I want to discuss with you that I don’t want to say in front of David. There is a possibility that David may have permanent brain damage. He hit his head very hard in the fall and the blood clot forming may have only added to his problems. I’m sorry, but I’m told you are his best friend and that you are very close to each other. I thought you should know. We’ll do everything we can to help him.”

Hutch didn’t say a word, he just looked up at the doctor with tears in his eyes and ran for the stairs. He had to get away, away from the intensive care unit, away from all of the machines and beeping sounds, away from his partner. It was a nightmare. Could it get any worse?

Hutch thought of Starsky lying in bed, as he probably would be doing for the rest of his life. The next day he found himself back in Starsky’s room. He was surprised to see that the respirator had been removed and Starsky was breathing on his own. Starsky’s eyes were closed and he didn’t want to wake him. He just stood aside of the bed looking down on what used to be his active, jovial partner. A feeling of panic tore through him as his partner’s eyes opened and looked straight into his.

“Hey Starsk… got rid of that nasty tube huh?”

“Hu… Huu…tch…. Hur… hurs… mm head… hur..ts.”

Tears were beginning to roll down Starsky’s cheeks and his voice was but a whisper, his throat being very sore from the tube that had sustained his life until he could breathe on his own again.

“I know, I know it hurts buddy, I’m sure the doctor ordered something for the pain, I’ll ask the nurses for you okay?”

“Huuu…tch… mo…move… can’t… mo…ove.”

“I’m gonna go and ask the nurses if you can have something for pain Starsk. I’ll be right back.”

Hutch could not answer or give any consolation to Starsky’s comment on not being able to move. He could not tell Starsky why he couldn’t move and that he may never be able to move again. He did his best to avoid any conversation surrounding Starsky’s spinal injury and probable paralysis that he would have to live with for the rest of his life… that they would both have to live with.

Hutch ran into Dr. Larson at the nurses station. He had so many questions for him… questions that he was sure he did not want to know the answers to.

“Dr. Larson? I’m David Starsky’s friend… I’d like to ask you some questions.”

“I remember… I know all of this is very difficult to handle. What can I do for you Ken?”

“Well, he’s awake now and trying to talk, but his speech is not clear. I mean he doesn’t seem confused, but his speech is slow and kind of slurred. Is this going to get better?”

“It’s really too soon to be able to predict if his speech will return to normal. We will get a speech therapist to work with him, but it’s going to be a while before we start to work on that. For now we need to make sure we can keep him stable and we are focusing on the injuries in David’s back and head.”

“Thanks doctor.”

Dr. Larson could see that this man’s world was crashing in on him and knew things were not going to get better for a long time, if at all.

“Ken? Ken are you all right? You’re looking pretty pale and exhausted.”

“No, I’ll never be all right again. Not unless my partner makes a total recovery. This was all my fault doctor. I was supposed to be on that hike with him and I failed him. He wouldn’t have gone near that cliff if I had been there. I wouldn’t have let him. Now he’s paralyzed, broken, in pain and to top it all off, now he can’t speak right. He’s lost everything doc. He’s lost everything…”

Hutch was soon back at Starsky’s bedside, looking into the eyes that had rescued him so many times before. If only he could rescue his partner now… make this nightmare go away.

“Hey buddy, the nurse will be bringing something to you soon for the pain.”

“Huuu…Hutc…tch…”

“It’s okay Starsk, you don’t have to talk now. Just relax okay?”

“Nnnn…. nnooooooo…” Starsky was desperately needing Hutch to tell him that he was not angry with him and that he still cared about him. Htuch’s recent behavior left Starsky feeling alone and isolated.

“I’ll be right back Starsk… I… gotta go to the bathroom.”

Starsky was trying to talk to him but couldn’t. Hutch could see by the expression in his eyes, that Starsky was growing frustrated, scared and desperate.

“Starsk, take it easy babe. I’ll be back in a sec.” He couldn’t leave the room fast enough, his own heart pounding in fear. He needed some space and some air and was feeling sick.

What Dr. Larson had to say, did little to alleviate his fear.

“I’m sorry Ken, but as I said to you, David sustained very serious injuries. Aside from the spinal cord trauma, there was the head injury that resulted in him requiring surgery to relieve the pressure. I did mention the possibility of brain damage…”

Brain damage? Hutch thought back to what Dr. Larson had told him earlier. Hutch stood just outside of Starsky’s room and found the strength to go back in when he heard his partner feebly trying to call for him.

“Hhhhuu…”

“No, it’s okay buddy. You’re having trouble talking at the moment and it’s normal.” Hutch made himself tell the lie. “But you’ll get better if you work at it.”

Starsky looked at Hutch. You never could lie to me blintz. Starsky closed his eyes. How much worse could things get. He opened them and saw Hutch looking out of the window, looking like an old, tired man. He’d lost a lot of weight and wasn’t looking well. He was filled with fear when he saw what was happening to his once fit partner.

“Nnnnn” he stopped to try again. “Hhhh…”

“What is it Starsk? What are you trying to say?”

“Nnnnn… leave… leave… leave…” Starsky wanted to tell Hutch how much he needed him and wanted to beg him to not leave him. He couldn’t form the words “don’t” or “no”… all that came out was “leave.”

Hutch felt even more faint than he did when he entered the room. He couldn’t believe Starsky wanted him to leave, but it was plain he did. Why should he expect his best friend to want to continue being his friend after all of the pain he caused him. Hutch tried to tell Starsky how sorry he was but the words would not come. It was as if his own voice were taken away. His best friend no longer wanted him around. Life as they both knew it ended at that moment. Their eyes locked momentarily, both streaming with tears, before Hutch turned and quickly exited the room.

Hutch ran out of the hospital, gasping for breath, feeling his heart break again. Leave, Starsky had told him to leave. He paused for a moment and looked back at the hospital, where his best friend lay, broken beyond repair because of him. He couldn’t blame Starsky for blaming him, for it was his fault. Starsky shouldn’t even have been on that hike, or if he had, he should have been with him. He walked toward his car. It was over now, it was really over. He had no more tears left as he made his way wearily to his car, to go home. Home to what? There was nothing waiting for him except the emptiness that his life had become. There would be no more phone calls, or unexpected visits from his best friend. No more nights of stale pizza, too much beer and Monopoly games… He was on his own now. Damn! How could this have happened to Starsky? He didn’t deserve this. It should be him lying broken in the bed. He needed a drink but couldn’t face anyone, so he stocked up on some beer and made his way home.

 

Chapter 12

Huggy visited Starsky and was appalled to see the blank look in his eyes, looking as if he’d lost his last friend in the world. Since the accident, the one thing that had been constant, the one thing that told him David Michael Starsky was still there, was the life and brightness in his eyes. Eyes that were filled with tears at times, pain at other times, but nevertheless still shining with the spirit that was Starsky. Today was different, it was like a light had been extinguished. Starsky had been regaining his power of speech, admittedly slowly, but it was coming back. Today he made no attempt to try.

“Hey Starsk. How you doin? Where’s blondie?”

A glimmer of tears appeared in Starsky’s eyes, and Huggy was starting to get a bad feeling. Hutch had been constantly by Starsky’s side, with the exceptions of when he’d run off in despair, needing some space to try to come to terms with the tragedy. He’d always returned. Huggy preferred not to remember the scene on the roof, hoping that it had been an aberration. Admittedly Hutch hadn’t been himself but this was hardly surprising. Rightly or wrongly he blamed himself for what had happened to Starsky. Huggy knew that Starsky wouldn’t blame him but Hutch had an unfortunate tendency to go on guilt trips over the smallest things and this was gigantic. Starsky was trapped in his bed, and had speech difficulties, although doctors were quite confident that his speech pattern would return to normal, given time. No other brain damage was evident. Starsky was alert and could clearly understand what was being said to him, and Huggy knew that he’d be only too aware of Hutch’s absence.

“Starsky, talk to me. Where’s Hutch?”

Starsky closed his eyes, not wanting Huggy to see the truth. That Hutch had walked out on him. The tears ran down his face. Huggy leaned over to wipe them away.

“Starsky, please talk to me.”

Starsky was silent. He no longer wanted to talk. He knew that Hutch had gone.

Huggy drove around to Hutch’s, fearing what he’d find there. Starsky had refused to talk to him and had closed his eyes. That told Huggy all he needed to know and now it was time to get Hutch back on track.

He knocked on the door. “Hutch my man, are you in there?”

“Go ‘way…” the slurred voice gave Huggy a good indication of the state that Hutch was in. The door wasn’t locked and Huggy went in. Hutch was sprawled on his sofa, surrounded by beer cans.

“Told ya to go ‘way…” he was having trouble talking.

Huggy sighed. This wasn’t going to be easy.

“Just came from the hospital. Starsky needs you man. What ya doin’ here, gettin’ drunk?”

“Starsky doesn’t need me Huggy. He told me to leave, so I did.”

“Starsky DOES need you Hutch. More than he ever has. He’s not a quitter but he does need you to help him. Don’t you get it yet Hutchinson?” It was the first time that Huggy had called Hutch by his full name. “The man loves ya, he’s your bro. He don’t blame you for this and never will. It’s time you realized this and stopped feeling sorry for yourself. It’s Starsky that was hurt!”

Hutch reacted to that and despite his drunken state, responded strongly. “DON’T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT? For God’s sake Huggy, he’s my best friend and my partner, but I DID THIS! It’s my fault he’s a vegetable!”

“A vegetable? Hutch have you seen him? Do you look at him and see a VEGETABLE? Man, we’re looking at two different things. I see Starsky, our Starsky, admittedly damaged, but Hutch he’s still there. Look in his eyes and you’d see for yourself! The doctors think his speech will return, and he’ll only get stronger, but he’ll drown without you Hutch. No one else can reach him like you can. He stopped trying to talk tonight, you know that? That’s why I knew somethin’ was up. You’ve got to stop blamin’ yourself and get back to where you belong — by his side!” Even as he spoke he saw he wasn’t getting anywhere. Hutch was still too buried in his hurt and guilt to see the truth. At that moment, he was too drunk.

“Huggy, he told me to leave! So I did!”

“No Hutch. I dunno what he said, but he would never tell you to go. You’re using it as an excuse to walk out on him when he needs you more than he’s ever needed you…”

“GET OUT!!!” Hutch started sobbing. “You don’t understand! LEAVE ME ALONE!”

Huggy walked out. There was no getting through to Hutch at this point.

Hutch was left sobbing into his drink. Huggy didn’t get in. He hadn’t heard Starsky tell him to go. Starsky loved him too much to blame him for this and he loved Starsky too much to want to hurt him more. Hutch felt it would be much better for Starsky if he just left him now. What good was he too him? He was the one who was responsible for the accident that had effectively destroyed him.

~~~

Minutes seemed like hours for the man who could only lie in bed and do nothing… nothing but think. He thought about Hutch constantly and wondered why his best friend, his lifeline had walked out on him. He never knew someone could cry so much, he seemed to be crying more than not and even though the excruciating traction had been removed, his head hurt him terribly. The only thing that broke the monotony of his thoughts was when the nurses came to take care of him. Even though they tried to cheer him up, he only sank deeper into his depression. He felt so humiliated having the pretty nurses look at him, clean him up, wash him and take care of the catheter so he would not get an infection. He was hitting rock bottom and no longer tried to speak. The doctors were very concerned about Starsky’s deteriorating emotional condition. Starsky would not talk to anyone, not even Huggy, and he was refusing to eat. He closed his eyes and turned his head away from anyone who entered the room. It was the only small bit of control he had left. He could shut the world out by not looking at it. He tried anyway. One day after Huggy came to visit Starsky, who refused to talk to him, he left the room with tears in his eyes. He ran into Starsky’s doctor on his way out.

“Doctor Larson? Can you tell me how Starsky… I mean David is doing? I’m Huggy, a friend of Starsky’s. I’ve been coming in here every day for three weeks now and he seems worse every time I see him. He won’t talk to me, the nurses say he won’t talk to anyone. He’s a good man doc. He’s got a heart of gold. You should have seen him before all of this happened. He was so full of life. He loved it… embraced it. God, he doesn’t deserve this, he never hurt anybody. Him and Hutch… well, they’re two of the best people I know. I feel so damn helpless! I feel like I’m watchin my two best friends dying. I am watching my two best friends dying!!! What’s gonna happen to him doc?” Huggy was beside himself with despair.

“Mr. Huggy, I’ve been very concerned myself about David’s condition. Physically, he’s at a stand still. His spinal cord was not severed, but he does have a lot of trauma to the spinal cord. We’re still not certain if he will ever regain the use of his arms and legs. He has no feeling from the neck down. Emotionally, David is deteriorating rapidly and he’s simply not trying anymore. I know what happened to him is devastating, but I just feel that there is something more going on here. He’s shutting down, it almost seems as though he wants to die. Doesn’t he have anything to live for?”

“He has… well, he had a best friend… no, they were more than just friends, they were brothers. I never saw two friends closer in my life. One would lay down their life for the other. I witnessed it on several occasions. It’s something special doc… you should have seen them together. They laughed, joked around, played stupid practical jokes on each other, cried together… they were always there for each other… until now.” Huggy’s attempt at hiding his own tears was futile. He was losing his two best friends and couldn’t seem to help either one of them. Huggy didn’t blame Hutch for he knew that it was Hutch’s guilt and pain that was keeping him away. There was only one person who could reach him, and he wasn’t able to.

“I wondered about the blond, David calls him Hutch?”

“Yeah… nickname.”

“Well, it seems to me that David started giving up after his friend, Hutch, stopped coming to see him. I’m only David’s doctor, but I think that might have something to do with his depression. He has no enthusiasm for life. I’m very concerned about your friend Mr. Huggy. I’m not sure how long he’ll decide to hold on. I’ve seen it before. David is withering away and closing out the rest of the world. I don’t know how to reach him, we’ve tried everything.”

“I do doc. I know what he needs, but I can’t make it happen… only one man can help him now, and that man is going downhill fast too. He feels responsible. His heart is dying along with Starsky’s. I wish I could help him. No, at this point Starsky doesn’t have anything to live for… he doesn’t think so anyway.”

“One more thing Mr. Huggy, David is going to be moved to the Country Meadow’s Nursing home on Friday. We’ve done all we can do for him here at the hospital and he needs 24 hour a day complete nursing care. There were no other options for David. The social worker tried to find better placement for him, but he’s just not a good candidate. I know this will be a very difficult adjustment for him but he’ll get good care there. We’re going to insert a feeding tube into David’s stomach surgically before he leaves the hospital. He needs nourishment and he continues to refuse to eat. Again, I’m sorry, for David, for you and for his friend. I’ll pray for you all.”

Huggy was devastated at this dismal news, but not altogether surprised. He’d been witnessing Starsky’s deterioration and couldn’t reach him. Only one person in the world could and he was in terrible shape too, destroying himself out of a mistaken sense of guilt. Huggy sighed, not knowing what to do. It seemed pointless to visit Hutch again. He wouldn’t even open the door to him.

 

Chapter 13

Hutch wasn’t seeing anyone, keeping himself locked away since the day he’d handed in his badge and gun. Dobey had tried everything to get through to him, from shouting and getting angry, to cajoling and even some emotional blackmail and telling him that Starsky wouldn’t want him to do this. That had just resulted in a blank stare from Hutch. He simply didn’t care and he’d walked out of the precinct, and driven straight over to Starsky’s home, where he immersed himself and refused to come out. He needed to be close to Starsky and this was the next best thing. He could live in Starsky’s home and look after it for him. It was the only thing he could do for him now. The apartment was so Starsky. Everything reminded him of his once vital partner and it was killing him, but he felt he deserved it. The photos of the two of them, smaller photos of his parents taken shortly before his father had been killed, photos of Terri and more photos of him. How Starsky had loved him. Hutch was devastated by the knowledge, and it brought him no comfort at all. It was that love for him, his reluctance to say no to him, that had destroyed him. He wasn’t even aware that he had tears falling down his cheeks as he went to get some more beer.

He refused to open the door to Huggy and Dobey, even appeals for Starsky fell on deaf ears. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to help Starsky, he couldn’t. The words that Starsky had struggled to say haunted him by day and by night and he didn’t once blame Starsky for sending him away. He didn’t deserve such a friend. As the weeks passed, he lost weight and became very unhealthy looking, drinking far too much and eating next to nothing, lost in his world of guilt and pain. The alcohol and lack of food was causing him to become malnourished, more depressed and despondent.

~~~

Starsky was lost too, lost from the moment Hutch had left. He was still so scared and losing Hutch was the last straw. His life now held no meaning for him. He was being fed by a tube and could do nothing for himself. He made no attempt to communicate and lay in his bed, praying for an escape. He knew what Hutch would be doing and it was killing him that he couldn’t help him. Hutch was as paralyzed as he was.

Hutch, I know what you’re doing. I wish I could tell you I don’t blame you and that I love you and need you but I can’t. Why am I still alive? As long as I’m alive, Hutch is trapped.

Friday came and the ambulance crew came to take Starsky to his new home at Country Meadows. Starsky had been informed that he was being moved to the nursing home, but showed no acknowledgement or emotion. His life was over, he no longer cared what they did with him or to him. He couldn’t feel anything… anything except the huge ache in his heart as he realized his hopes and dreams would never have a chance to come true. He would never have a son to read to, play baseball with… he would never have a daughter to be proud of and would never have a woman to love him. How could anyone love him? He felt he had nothing to offer to anyone. He just wished it could all end. He was now a burden, a statistic, forgotten. Without Hutch beside him, life was just not worth living anymore. Starsky didn’t shed a tear as he was moved into the ambulance for his final earthly destination. He now wondered why he tried so hard after Gunther’s attack… it would have been better for everyone if he would have died then. At least Hutch would have got on with his life by now.

The nurses and orderlies lifted Starsky into his new bed at the Country Meadows nursing home. He was scared. He’d never been inside a nursing home before, not even to visit someone. He had heard of these places and of patient abuse and neglect. Now he was part of it all. He only saw elderly people when they brought him in and heard a lot of commotion. He knew that most of the residents of the home were probably confused, and they too were there because no one else wanted them either. He hoped that he would just be left alone. If he was abused, he felt he deserved it. He had ruined his best friends life… yes, anything that happened to him now he felt was well deserved. How could he have caused so much pain to the one person that he truly loved and needed? He knew that it had been his words that had driven Hutch away, that and Hutch’s own sense of guilt. He couldn’t even put it right for his best friend. He knew that he’d caused pain to person he loved more than anything. He found some tranquility in praying for Hutch to have a good life and to be able to forget about him. He knew it would be hard at first for his partner to let go of the guilt he was unnecessarily putting himself through, but thought… even fantasized that Hutch now had a better life, was doing well and maybe even had a new partner. He wanted only the very best for his friend who had given him so many good years of life and happiness. He would have to make those memories last… memories were all he had left. These memories did bring tears to his eyes. He kept asking ‘why’.’why’.oh God.’WHY’!

 

Chapter 14

Huggy finally managed to persuade Hutch to let him in and was appalled at his condition. He bore no resemblance to the strong, good looking man that he was, he looked worn and defeated. He’d only let Huggy in when he announced that he wouldn’t leave until he did, and would keep knocking on his door, all night if he had to. Huggy knew that Hutch needed to know about Starsky. In stark contrast to the wreck of a man, Starsky’s apartment was immaculate. Huggy knew better than to start on Hutch though. He had something to say and intended to say it.

“Hutch, how ya doin’?” Hutch just shrugged and moved away. Huggy was shocked at how much weight Hutch had lost. Hutch went and sat down on the couch.

“Thought you should know Hutch, that they moved Starsky today. Moved him into Country Meadows.” Hutch jumped slightly at that. He knew what the place was but what could he do? He remained silent and staring at the can of beer in his hands.

“He’s in a bad way Hutch. It’s like he’s given up. He’s not eatin’ any more and they have to feed him through a tube. He hasn’t spoken…” Huggy stared at the man who he’d thought of as his brother.

“DO YOU CARE? DO YOU EVEN FUCKIN’ CARE THAT STARSKY IS WASTING AWAY? It doesn’t have to be this bad for him. Doctors even think the spinal cord isn’t severed but it’s a long haul back Hutch and you’re the ONLY person who can help him make the journey!” Huggy watched the silent man, still no reaction.

“Hutch, we’re talkin’ about STARSKY! I never thought I’d see the day that you’d walk out on him!”

Hutch looked up at Huggy with bloodshot eyes. “He loves me Hug. I know that, but I also know that I destroyed him. I can’t expect him to forgive me and I can’t help him. Don’t you think that’s killing me? I want to be there but he doesn’t want me!”

Huggy saw a glimmer of hope. “Have you asked him Hutch? For God’s sake, go see him, talk to him. He’ll talk to you, I know he will.”

“I can’t Hug. I found this today.” He handed Huggy an old piece of paper. “I was looking at his books and found some personal letters. Guess I shouldn’t have read them but I kinda wanted to bring him close to me. This is what he wrote to Gillian.”

Huggy looked at the messy scribble that was Starsky’s writing.

Gillian,

I just want you to know that I do know about you, what you are and who you work for. I’m writing this so that there is no misunderstanding between us. You’ve gotta tell Hutch about this ’cause it’s just too big to keep a secret. It’s gonna kill him when he finds out but I’ll be there to pick up the pieces. I’ll always be there for Hutch because he’s my partner, my best friend, my brother and I love him too. I know you love him Gillian, I see that in you, and that’s why this is so difficult. You’ve got to get away and make a fresh start, where no one knows you. Don’t have much money behind me, but I’ll sell my car and give you the money. Please Gillian do this. Do this for Hutch, for the Hutch we both love. In return, I promise to look after Hutch until my dying breath. I’m not doing this out of malice against you, but love for my partner and friend. Maybe in a few years, you can come back but you’ve gotta go now. When you’ve thought about this, let me know what your decision is. I’ll tell him myself if I have to. He has to know one way or the other.

Dave

Huggy looked at the still form of Hutch, who had tears running down his face. “He was going to sell his prized car for me. He told me he’d spoken to her, not written to her. I guess he spoke first and didn’t need to send it.”

“I don’t get it Hutch. This proves how much he loves you.”

“Yeah it does. It means that I’ve got to respect his wishes and stay away. Now go, please Huggy.”

 

Chapter 15

Starsky had been at Country Meadows for over a month now. It was as bad as he’d always heard these places could be, maybe this one was worse. It felt like years since he had arrived into this hell. The nurses were overworked and short staffed, but did they have to treat him so badly? Did they treat all of the patients this badly? When they came to give him his daily bath they would talk as though he was not even there, like he didn’t exist. He wasn’t a person anymore. They didn’t seem to care about talking about him, many times right in front of him. He didn’t have a body anymore, but he still had ears, he still had feelings and a heart that felt pain. Some felt sorry for him, and to others he was just extra work. It was so humiliating. When they came in to bathe him they would just rip all the sheets off, throwing them aside and letting him lie in the bed naked. It was all too frequent that the nurses had to rush to another patient who got confused and fell out of bed or whatever else it was that they did, leaving him lying unclothed and uncovered. Privacy had become a luxury. Any dignity he had left was taken away when he arrived at Country Meadows.

He hated the tube feedings as they frequently made his bowels loose and of course he had no control over them. Many times his incontinence seemed to anger the nurses and nurses aides who had to clean him up. He was forcefully turned and pushed into the siderails all to frequently. There was one nurse in particular that seemed to be irritated by his occupancy at the home. Unfortunately this was the nurse that was assigned to him almost every night. She got tired of changing his sheets and many times let him lay in his waste all night, changing him only once just before her shift ended. Unknowing to Starsky, he was getting sore and his skin was breaking down from lying in his excrement, not being turned to prevent pressure sores, or properly cleaned up. It was not long before he developed huge sores on his back and bottom from the negligence. It was only when the tube that was sown into his stomach got infected that they needed to call the doctor for antibiotics. The nursing home doctor didn’t even come to see him, just ordered the antibiotics over the phone. He was thankful that he made the decision to not allow any visitors. He wanted his friends to remember him the way he was before all of this happened. He hoped they eventually could. He was no longer alive… he just existed. This was worse than death. He was living in hell.

There was one person Starsky grew to trust and started to feel comfortable talking to. John was the day shift orderly. He was at least kind to him and didn’t throw him into the siderails or berate him like others did and actually treated him with some respect, almost like a human being. John seemed to take a liking to Starsky and even spent some time talking to him. Starsky was forgetting what it was like to be cared about and respected. He enjoyed John’s company. Starsky was glad that his speech was clearer so that John could understand him. No one else at the nursing home took the time or had the patience to wait for Starsky to get his words out. The nurses usually told him that “they would be right back” but never returned. He knew they were avoiding him… he was just too much trouble. What he had to say was not important he guessed, except to John. Not that he had a lot to say, but John seemed to care about him and always seemed to find the time to listen. He was doing his best to draw Starsky out more, and Starsky found himself responding to the kindness he was shown. Although Starsky’s speech was improving, it was still slow going and something that he had to really focus in order to communicate. Dr. Larson had told him that a speech therapist would work with him, but that never happened either.

“Joh…Johhnn… thank you for talk… talking to me. Why… are the nurs…nurses so cruel? Do they tre…treat all of the pat…patien… us this way? I don’t care about…bout…bout myself, but something should… should be done… those other people don’t deserve to be tre…treated like this.”

“David, its been this way for years. It is wrong and I hate seeing it, but I need the job and it makes me feel good to know that these people can count on me not to be nasty to them. You don’t deserve it either, no one does. Most of the patients here have become like family to me over the years. Country Meadows has been reported before for neglect and patient abuse, but each time they seem to fool the board and the medical association representatives. I’m sorry for what you’re going through… I can’t begin to imagine.”

“Thanks for listen…listennnnning anyway John. Please do… do your b… best to help these people. They need some…someone like you on their side.”

“David, how come you won’t allow any visitors? Don’t you have any family or friends in the area?”

“NO! Nnnnooo family here… nnoooo friends. I don’t want any vis…visitors. Its bad enough that I… I have to live with my… myself, let alone anybody else seeing me like… like this. John, you wouldn’t want people to see… see you like this wo…would you?”

“Hey buddy, its okay… don’t cry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“‘Buddy’… I had a fri…friend once who called me… meee ‘buddy’ a lot.”

John took a tissue from the nightstand next to Starsky’s bed and wiped away at the tears rolling down the sad man’s face.

“How about I turn you onto your side for a while? I can rub your back a little and your neck… might help you to relax.”

“If.if you want.”

John turned Starsky gently onto his side and rubbed his back, careful not to get any lotion in the large open sores on Starsky’s back, before positioning him on his side. He was appalled to see the redness and sores on Starsky’s back and another near his neck. His bottom, private area and thighs were excoriated from lying in his waste and not being tended to or cleaned properly. He’d seen it before though, neglect… pure neglect.

“David, do you have any pain?”

“Just… my head… an..and my neck… is sore.”

“Why didn’t you ask for something for the pain and tell the nurses your neck was sore?”

“Doesn’t mat…matter. Who cares… any…anyway?”

Starsky was crying again, at what his life had become, at what he had become… nothing… he had become nothing… he meant nothing to no one. Pain was all he felt… emotionally and physically. There was nothing to be happy about… nothing to look forward to.

“Your back is a bit sore David, don’t you have any feeling from your neck down yet?”

“Nnnnnooo. I saw bl…blood on the sheets when… when they ch…changed them a coup…couple days ago. I didn’t know wh…what it was from.”

Starsky’s apathy and neglected body brought tears to John’s eyes.

“David, do you want to talk about anything?”

“Nothin to talk about, thank… thanks anyway John.”

“Why don’t you tell me about your friend? The one who called you ‘buddy’?”

“I don’t wanna t…talk bout hi…him… I can’t. He has a li…life of his own now. I hurt hi…him John. I hurt him b…bad and I lo…love him too much to see him hurt any… anymore. He couldn’t stand see… seeing me like this and he… he left. He’s better off without mmm…me and I hope he’s forgo…forgotten about me by now. I haven’t seen him in o…over a month. I hope he’s moved on b…by now.” Even as Starsky spoke, he knew that Hutch wouldn’t have forgotten and it broke his heart when he considered what Hutch would be doing.

“David, this friend sounds pretty important to you. Were you friends for a long time?”

“Yeah, we met at th…the academy… we were par…partner’s. I used to be a detective. G…God I miss that. But I miss my part…partn… well, lets just say he was mmm…my best friend, the b…best friend anyone could ever ask for. I had a lot of gg…good years because of him. He was al…always my sunshine and… well, I want him to be happy and mm…me being like this is just tt…too much. I don’t want him to ss…see me like this anyway. You know what I mean John?”

“I do David. I want to share something with you. I had a brother, he was in the same condition that you are in right now. It was awful for him too. His name was Michael and he got paralysed in a bad motorcycle accident.”

“Where is he n…now? What became of him?”

“He’s no longer here David. He died.”

“I’m ss…sorry John. That was none of my bb…business, I shouldn’t have asked that. I kno…know its personal.”

“No David, I’m telling you this for a reason. I loved him so much that I… Well, he didn’t want to go on living like that and he asked me to help him.”

“What? What did he ask yy…you to do?”

“David, this is just between you and me okay? Can I trust you not to say anything to anyone? I could deny we ever had this conversation and there’s no proof, so.”

“John, just tt…tell me will ya?”

“I helped him to die David. I loved him too much to see him living like he was, in so much pain and humiliation. He asked me to help him and I did. I’ve never regretted doing what I did.”

“John, are you ss…say… saying you killed him?”

“I don’t think of it as killing him. I had mercy on him… what he had was not a life.”

John fully expected Starsky to tell him to get out and to be angry, but he was not. Even John didn’t expect what came next.

“John, if Mmmm…Michael were here now, ll…laying in this b…bed, just like me… without any ho…hope, would you d…do it again?”

“Yes… I would… I know he is at peace now.”

“Can you do something for mm…me John? Please? Talking to you… about Mmm…Michael… well it’s the first feeling of ho…hope I’ve had in a long time. Ever since this haa…happened and I lost my best fr…frie… Well, I don’t want to ll…live like this John. If I could do it mm…myself I would… I’ve thought about it every d…day since… but I can’t do any… anything. I’m tired of being pu…pushed around, tired of being treated ll…like an animal, tired of ll…aying in my own shhh…shit… the catheter… and the t…tube in my stomach. You’d be doing me a huge fav…favor and helping my fri…friend to get his life bb…back. Do you know what I’m say… saying John?”

Starsky was once again crying, but had a glimmer of hope that all of this could end. John could help him. He hoped that John was thinking the same thing that he was.

“David, I do know what you are saying and that is why I told you about Michael. I’ll help you if you want me to. You won’t have any pain. I’ll put ‘it’ in your feeding tube. You’ll just go to sleep and not wake up. I’ve seen you suffering over this last month. I’ve seen the desperation and loneliness in your eyes. You’re dying a slow death now. It doesn’t have to be this way. You could be at peace David. If this is what you want… really want, I will help you.”

“Pll…Please John! I want nothing mm…more! I want this to end. I ca…can’t bear it anymore. I’d be so grateful tt…to you. The nurses would be gra…grateful to you and mm…my friend could start living again. As l…long as I’m here like this I know he’s nnn…never going to be okay, despite what I said before. He ain’t gonna move on while I’m here. I want to end it! How sss…soon can you do this John?”

“As soon as you want David.”

“Can you write a l…letter for me?” Starsky was feeling at peace for the first time since the accident. He looked at it as the only solution for Hutch.

“Sure David, what about if I come back when I’m off duty.” He smiled weakly at Starsky. He really did care about his patient and although he knew he’d be killing him, he couldn’t feel he was doing the wrong thing. He saw more animation in Starsky’s eyes then, than he had before.

 

Chapter 16

John returned to Starsky’s room later that evening equipped with what he would need to assist in Starsky’s death. He also brought paper, pen and an envelope to write the letter Starsky had requested. Starsky’s eyes were closed when John approached him, seeming to rest peacefully for the first time since his arrival at Country Meadows. John knew it was because he knew he would soon be leaving this world, leaving the nursing home and going to his final home where he would find peace. What used to be an active, involved and loving world had turned into a painful prison for David Michael Starsky. He had lost everything, his independence, his dignity and his heart was broken. Tonight that would all END and he would at last find peace and comfort. No more suffering. No more pain. No more humiliation.

“DAVID, David, its John.”

Starsky opened his eyes, giving a sad, but thankful smile to his assassin. He was ready to die and welcomed it.

“JJJOHN, John, thank you sssSO much for COMING back tt…tonight.”

“I brought everything we’ll need David. Are you ready for me to help you write that letter?”

Through tears of joy and sadness, Starsky told John everything that he wanted to be included in the letter that would be delivered to his best friend, Kenneth Hutchinson, after he was gone from this world.

John read the letter back to Starsky to assure he had everything correct. He knew how important this letter was to Starsky and knew how important it was to him to say goodbye in this way.

“Dear Hutch,

“I want to start this letter by saying Thank You. Thank you for being my partner and my best friend. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve to have you as my best friend. You’re closer than a brother and in this life I’ve loved you more. No one has ever cared about me the way you have. Because of you, I know what true, unconditional love is. I truly have been blessed.

“I know you Kenneth Hutchinson. I know what you’re doing to yourself right now and since the accident. I can feel it. You’re blaming yourself for what happened to me. Well, don’t! None of this is your fault. I would have gone to save Ricky whether you were there or not. You wouldn’t have been able to stop me. You haven’t forgotten how stubborn I can be have you? I could have said no to you about the hike, but I chose not to. So the guilt trip you’re on stops here!

“This place I’m in right NOW, well, it isn’t so bad. The nurses are nice and I’ve been okay, so I don’t want you worrying about that either. I understand you, always have and I know why you couldn’t be here. I know you need time to sort things out. You’re the analytical one of US, the thinker. I just worry about you partner. I know you’re probably not taking care of yourself and beatin’ yourself up about all of this. Well, get over it will ya blondie? I’ve been okay.

“Hutch, because of you I’ve known happiness, I’ve learned how to TRUST, I’ve never been alone since we met at the academy. I remember that DAY, you should too blintz. My life changed forever on that day. The sun seemed to shine brighter, the world became a better place to live in. I could not have asked for more over our years together. They have been the best years of my life.

“We always knew that one of us would die first. My biggest fear had always been that it would be you. I thank God with all of my heart that it is me. I couldn’t go on without you. This might make what I’m about to say seem selfish, well that’s too bad. When I almost lost you to the plague I felt I would die too and when you were missing for days, trapped under your car and I couldn’t find YOU, Well I felt a desperation I didn’t know I could feel. And Gillian, God Hutch I’m sorry that didn’t work out for you. I was only trying to protect you. I know how much you loved her and I’m sorry things turned out the way they did. I hurt when you hurt Hutch. I’m hurting now because I know you are hurting TERRIBLY AND Dying with me. That is why I have chosen to leave this world. Dying won’t be painful… I’ll just go to sleep and not wake up. I need to do this for both of us Hutch. You need to let me GO and I need to go. Please Hutch, please forgive me. I never meant to cause you any pain. I’ll carry your smile in my heart forever, no matter where I am. I can’t say enough how lucky I feel for all you have given to me. Promise me that you will start to live again, please let yourself live. Get married and have a family, I kinda like the idea of little Hutchinsons in the world and with a dad like you, they can’t go wrong.

“I don’t want you to be hanging around the cemetery and please don’t be too hard on your next partner. Its not gonna be his fault if he can’t drive you crazy like I could. Maybe you’ll get lucky and this guy won’t even like burrito’s, AND maybe he’ll even drive some boring car. I know you’ll miss the tomato. If you give your new partner a quarter of what you gave me, then he will be as blessed as I was.

“I love you Hutch. I’ve loved you so much, so much that sometimes it hurt. But that was okay. We had something very special, an incredible bond. You made my life complete and so happy. Thank you Hutch.

“By the time you receive this letter, I’ll be gone. I want you to stay close to Huggy. He really cares about you and he will help you get through this and I do need to know that you’ll get past this.. Time heals all wounds and I know your future will be bright if you let it. You’re special. Remember me the way I used to be okay? Not like this. I’ll always love you Hutch. Please be OKAY for me. This is my last request to you.

“Love, Starsky”

John sealed the letter and promised to deliver it after Starsky’s death. John prepared the lethal dose of morphine and injected it into the feeding tube in Starsky’s stomach. He laid a hand on Starsky’s forehead until the drug took its effects, slowing his respirations. Starsky had now slipped into unconsciousness and John knew it would not be long before this sad, helpless man would be free. John took the letter and left the room, knowing that the nurses would not check on him for hours, maybe even not until morning. By then he would be gone. Knowing how Country Meadows worked, there would probably be no autopsy. John took one more look at the man who the world had forgotten about, before leaving the nursing home unseen. He would make sure the letter got delivered that night to the letterbox. It wouldn’t be checked until the morning and Starsky would be dead. John said a small prayer for his friend and wished him peace.

 

Chapter 17

Huggy had been keeping an eye on Hutch’s place. Hutch had moved into Starsky’s and barely moved and had refused to speak to him since his last visit a month ago. He was living like a hermit and neglecting everything except Starsky’s place. His own place was a mess, with his plants all dying. Huggy drove past every few days to make sure it was still standing but he knew Hutch didn’t care. He didn’t care about much these days. On this particular night, after Huggy closed the bar, he was restless and went for a drive. He stopped by Hutch’s place and got his mail. He figured it had been building up for a couple days since he last got it and delivered it to Starsky’s apartment where Hutch was now living. He usually put the mail in Starsky’s letter box, having given up on getting invited in, even though he usually saw a light on in Starsky’s apartment. One particular piece of mail stood out. He looked at the envelope and wondered why he was feeling so uneasy, until he saw the printed address on the back — Country Meadows Nursing Home. It had no stamp on it so must have been hand delivered. He took it over to Hutch straight away.

Huggy knocked at the door, not expecting an answer, but he was in for a surprise. Hutch almost pulled him into Starsky’s apartment and he was pleasantly surprised to see that Hutch, although definitely worn down, was dressed, sober and clean, and obviously about to go out.

“Hug! Glad you’re here. I’ve got to see Starsk. Huggy, what have I been doing?”

Huggy grinned slowly. “Dunno my man, but I’m glad you’ve woken up! What brought this about?”

Hutch looked straight at Huggy. “He needs me Hug, he really needs me. I don’t know why I let him push me away but it’s gotta stop. I had this dream last night, that he was calling me.” Hutch’s voice trailed off. “I’ve got too caught up with my own guilt to see straight and I let him do something to me that I would never have stood for before. He pushed me away and I went! Hug, that shouldn’t have happened, and I don’t care what I have to do to get through to him!”

“Thank goodness you’ve seen sense Hutch! I knew you would but.” Huggy paused. “I thought I’d better bring this over. It was in your letter box and is from Country Meadows, without a stamp. I just figured…”

Hutch looked at the envelope, with a sick feeling of dread. He knew he would have had a telephone call if Starsky had taken a turn for the worst, but somehow he dreaded opening the letter. He rubbed his tired eyes, his life style had taken its toll on his previously strong and healthy body and opened the envelope. What he read made his world come crashing around him again. “Oh God, Oh my God NO!” The letter was from Starsky, not his handwriting, but his words. He informed Hutch that he could not go on living like he was and that he wanted Hutch to be free of the pain he had caused him. Starsky had chosen to end his life… so Hutch could live once again. He loved him that much. Hutch looked in horror at Huggy.

“We’ve got to go, Huggy, NOW!”

Hutch grabbed his car keys, in no way fit enough to drive but knowing he had to get to his partner. Huggy followed close on his heels, his offer to drive falling on deaf ears. The drive to the nursing home was carried out in silence, both men caught up with their own thoughts, Huggy dreading what they’d find, especially now that Hutch had pulled himself together. He hoped they would not be too late. What they found out chilled them to the bone. Starsky had been given an overdose.

“Why wasn’t I called? You should have called me! I only know about this because I got a letter from him.” but Hutch was too anxious to see Starsky. He’d deal with the incompetent fools later. The nurse had no ready answers for him. Huggy let him go, deciding that he’d call Dobey.

Hutch made his way to Starsky’s bed and looked in horror at his best friend and partner. The guilt that had frozen his heart, finally melted away and he realized how wrong he’d been. His dream last night had at last reminded him that his place was with his partner, and he shouldn’t have let Starsky push him away. He sat down next to the bed and took his hand.

“Starsk, buddy.” Hutch’s voice broke but he knew it was important that he talk to him. “Starsk, God how did we get here? You’re my partner, my best friend and I’ve let you down. Never again.” He wasn’t aware of the tears running down his face. “I left because you told me to but I’ve gotta tell you now Starsk, that I’m not going anywhere. You’re never going to get rid of me and we’re going to get through this. If I could swap places I would in a second, and you know that. You asked me to let you go Starsk, but that’s the one thing I can never do. I’d do anything for you babe, except that. You’re with me always, you’re a part of me. I know this is hard but you’re not on your own. You never were but I was too blind and guilt-ridden to see. You weren’t, you always knew that, didn’t you? You’ve always known how I loved you and that’s why you pushed me away. You understand me like no one has ever understood me. I saw that when I read your letter. You’ve done this to release me, as much as yourself, but I don’t want to be released from you. I’ve been blind, but only to just how much you love me, I never forgot how much I love you. You’re not gonna push me away out of a sense of duty, or to save me — never again. Please come back Starsk, please!” Hutch gently put his arm over Starsky, so that he was holding his shoulder and he laid his head on Starsky’s chest, the other hand still holding the limp hand. He sobbed and prayed to God to help them out of this mess.

Hutch sat on the side of the bed, half laying on his partner with his head on Starsky’s chest. Starsky was so pale and had lost a lot of weight since Hutch had last seen him and his hair that had been shaved off for the surgery had grown quite long. Starsky looked at peace, but Hutch couldn’t let him go. He never would. A nurse walked into the room to tell him that Mr. Starsky did not want any visitors. Hutch just looked up and demanded softly that she call an ambulance immediately for his partner. She didn’t question the distraught blond man. There was fury and desperation in his eyes. She made the call immediately.

The nurse sensed trouble as she knew that Starsky should have been transported to the hospital hours ago, after they found him unconscious. She did tell the nurse in charge who told her that they were too busy and no ambulance would be called unless Mr. Starsky stopped breathing. They simply did not have the time for him, nor any regard for his life. The charge nurse commented that “he would be better off dead anyway.” He was total care and if he were gone, their workload would be much easier.

Hutch lost track of time, resting his head on Starsky’s chest, needing to hear his heart beating and to be as close to him as possible. He’d lost his way through this accident but never again. Starsky wasn’t going to get rid of him again and he’d put all his strength behind Starsky to help him rebuild his life. In whatever form it took. Starsky alive was the most important issue. At first he thought he’d imagined it, a slight pressure on his hand, his hand that was holding Starsky’s hand. But no, it happened again.

Hutch rested his head back down onto Starsky’s chest, unable to stop crying and begging for him to live. He stayed like that for a long time. Ambulance crews never rushed when they were called to Country Meadows, knowing it was probably to pick up a corpse or to deliver some poor elderly person to the hospital… knowing that they would be better off dead than having to ever return to Country Meadows.

Hutch felt his own life slipping away when he felt a gentle hand rest itself on his head. He ignored it at first, thinking it was one of the nurses, but when the hand did not move he looked to see who was tending to him and why he felt such a loving presence.

It was Starsky’s hand grasping his and Starsky’s other hand on his head. Starsky had moved without even realizing it. He was extremely groggy due to the large dose of morphine he had been given. A dose meant to kill him and free Hutch.

Hutch sat up a bit and called to Starsky, hoping he could hear him.

“Starsk? Starsk, are you awake?” Hutch could only barely whisper and look at the miracle that was his partner. He nearly cried all over again when he saw his partner’s blue eyes open and looking at him, blinking wearily.

“Hhhhuuu…”

“Starsk? Oh God… Starsky you can hear me? You moved buddy! Please open those eyes for me… look at me… please.”

Starsky’s struggled to keep his eyes open. He thought he saw Hutch and figured that maybe he had passed away and this was a hallucination. As he became a bit more alert, he realized it was not and that Hutch, his best friend was there with him.

“Yeh babe, I’m here.” He put his hand on Starsky’s cheek and stroked gently under his eye, with his thumb. “I’m with you all the way. God I’m sorry Starsk.”

“Nnnnot yyyyour fau..” Starsky was too weary to continue, and was already dozing off again.

“We can argue about that later Starsk.” Hutch continued his stroking, reveling in the feel of Starsky’s face. He knew they had a long road ahead, but they could make it, together.

“Why…?”

“Starsky, I’m right here and I promise I’ll never leave you again. I’m so sorry. There’s no excuse for my behaviour, I should never have let you push me away, but I love you Starsky and promise to never leave you again.”

“Hutch… pp…please go away. I can’t even dd…die right!” Starsky was crying, devastated at still being alive. Now Hutch would never be free of him.

“Starsky… stop it! You’re not gonna die… I’m not gonna let you damn it! You’re going to the hospital, ambulance is on its way.”

“No… Juu…Just let me go please.”

Starsky knew that Hutch would find out about the abuse and neglect if he were taken to the hospital. He didn’t want to put Hutch through that. He was supposed to have died. Why didn’t he! Starsky closed his eyes once more, falling into unconsciousness. His last thought was hope that he wouldn’t wake up again.

 

Chapter 18

Hutch waited in the emergency room waiting room with Huggy, both waiting anxiously for news about Starsky, neither of them talking.

After about one hour, the emergency room doctor appeared in the waiting room looking for Hutch. The doctor was pale and looked as though he himself might be sick.

“Doctor! How’s my partner?”

“I think he’s going to make it, he was given a near lethal dose of morphine, but I need to talk to you now about something else. Please come with me.”

“Doc?”

“Just follow me! Please!”

Hutch did as he was told, not knowing what to expect. He feared something was terribly wrong.

“Listen, Mr. Hutchinson, usually I would call the police in on a case like this, but you are the police. I need to report a case of severe neglect and abuse.”

“Doc, please call someone else. I need to be here for my partner.”

“IT IS YOUR PARTNER! GUESS YOU DIDN’T SEE HIS BODY DID YOU?”

“Doctor! What are you saying? Please…” Hutch’s heart rate was rising.

“I want you to look at something Mr. Hutchinson.” He took Hutch into the room that held his partner and turned Starsky onto his side so Hutch could see his back, bottom and legs.

Hutch nearly passed out when he saw the huge open pressure sores on Starsky’s back, sacral area and on both heels. Starsky’s bottom, private area and thighs looked like raw meat. The tube in Starsky’s stomach was infected and the doctor said the catheter had never been changed since he left the hospital. A urine test had shown that Starsky had a severe bladder infection, possibly affecting his kidneys. He was so thin that his ribs were clearly visible. The doctor pointed out black and blue marks on Starsky’s arms and head where he had been pushed into the siderails of the bed he had occupied at Country Meadows. This could not be his partner, not Starsky.

“NO! Oh my God! Starsky!”

Hutch felt a hand on his shoulder and heard Huggy crying beside him. Huggy was there to keep Hutch standing as he felt his knees buckle.

“Oh God Huggy! Look what they did to him! Oh my God! He doesn’t deserve this! Why didn’t they take care of him! Hasn’t he been through enough! Damn it!!!!”

Captain Dobey was in the emergency room within 30 minutes and Hutch stayed with his partner while the crime team took pictures of Starsky’s badly wounded body for evidence to be used against Country Meadows. Hutch had gone crazy when he saw the extent of the neglect and was screaming for justice. Only his determination not to leave Starsky alone, prevented him from racing down to the nursing home and tearing it apart. That and Dobey’s dire warning to him. Dobey was appalled and had every intention of seeing that a full and formal investigation was carried out against the nursing home and the last thing he needed was his enraged detective racing down there and perhaps ending up facing charges himself. He shared Hutch’s fury but he wanted to make sure that this was dealt with properly.

Starsky woke for a few minutes at a time. He cried out in pain. Hutch and the doctors were glad he now had some feeling back, which was a good sign, but no man should ever have to feel pain caused by such neglect. Hutch made himself stay strong, knowing he had to be there for Starsky. He would never leave Starsky again and knew he was going to need a lot of love if he was ever to overcome all that had happened to him.

The periods of Starsky’s wakefulness were increasing and each time he woke up, Hutch was there. A much thinner and gaunt looking Hutch, but Hutch all the same, sitting with him smiling at him, encouraging him. However, Starsky knew Hutch all too well and could see the strain that was behind his smile, and knew that nothing had been solved. He vaguely remembered things that Hutch had told him about always being with him, but it had been that burden that Starsky wanted to take from him. As his thoughts became clearer, he realized this more clearly and he also saw just how unhealthy Hutch was looking. Hutch was looking better than he had, for he’d stayed off the alcohol since the visit to Country Meadows, and was also accepting food from Huggy and Dobey. Neither of them had come in to see Starsky, wanting to respect his privacy but they were there, all the time, hovering, worrying about both boys, but knowing that with Hutch out of his guilt induced daze, at least things were on the right track, even if there was a long journey ahead.

Hutch was also aware that Starsky had something on his mind and had a fairly good idea what it was, but it was a difficult topic to bring up and he wasn’t sure how to do it. He did know that he wasn’t going to fail Starsky, and ignore it. He couldn’t for if he did the price would be too high. The letter had proven that Starsky had chosen to die, although his helper hadn’t been found.

“Starsk… we need to talk babe.” Starsky looked at Hutch, knowing what was coming.

“Hhhuuuttch… I’m… Sorry.” Starsky’s speech pattern was improving but he was still slow in pronouncing words, particularly when upset. “I… Don’t… know… How to… live… Like this…”

“I know babe.” Hutch took his hand. “I know it’s hard but your spinal cord wasn’t severed and you can move your arms a bit. The doctors say that you’ll eventually regain full mobility. It’s going to be a long haul, but we’re going to do this.”

“Nnnooo Hutch. I don’t… want… to… be a burden.”

“Stop it Starsk. You could never be a burden to me. You’re my partner and best friend in the whole world and I’m going to help you get better. I want you fit and well again but even if it’s not 100%, it doesn’t matter to me. I am not going to turn my back on you ever again and we’re going to do this together. You told me you don’t blame me for this and I believe you. God knows why I deserve you, but I’ve got you and you’ve got me and you’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

“You’ve… got… your… Life… Hutch… I want you to live a normal life, and baby… sitting me… won’t be normal. I’m a wreck…”

“NO.” Hutch took Starsky’s face in his hands so that he could stare directly into his eyes. “You are NOT a wreck and can’t ever say that! You’ve been hurt, very badly, but you are still Starsky, my aggravating, annoying partner! We are going to fight this but Starsk, you’re going to have to want to. It’s not going to be easy, and you’re going to hurt like hell, but you are not going to be on your own ever again! I screwed up Starsk, big time! I let you push me away but I’ll never leave you again. I need you too damn much. Please forgive me buddy, think you can do that?” He wiped a tear that had fallen from Starsky’s eyes. “Starsk, do this for me! Tell me that you’ll do this. I don’t have a life without you. That nonsense about getting married and getting a new partner — it’s bull shit Starsk. I can’t do it, not without you. Besides I quit the Department. I’m going to get fit again, so I can look after you. I’m going to find you a better place than that hell hole Country Meadows. I’ve got money, investment money which I’ve been living off. There’s still plenty there to make sure you get the best treatment possible. NO,” he put his hand over Starsky’s mouth. “No more arguments Starsk. You’ll go to a rehabilitation center, only until you get some mobility back and then I’m taking you home.” The more Hutch thought about it, the more he was sure this was right and there was a light in his eyes that hadn’t been there for a very long time. He looked down when he felt something touching his arm. Starsky’s hand was reaching out for him. Starsky saw Hutch’s determination and felt some strength returning. He’d wanted to release Hutch but perhaps this was meant to be. Otherwise he’d be dead. He still had his fears and didn’t want to burden Hutch but it seemed the decision had been made for him. He guessed he’d take each day as it came. Hutch grabbed the hand and held it tightly, his heart full. This wasn’t going to be easy but he was going to be with Starsky every step of the way.

“Hut…ch, I’m glad you’re here. Do somethin’ for me?”

Hutch nodded. “Anything you want buddy.”

“Make ’em take these tubes out okay? I wanna feel like a human being again, not an animal and please ask the nurses not to throw me into the siderails anymore… I don’t mean to cause them any extra work. I never meant to do that.”

Hutch was both surprised and shocked that his partner was opening up to him so quickly. His heart ached at what Starsky must have gone through at the hands of the staff at Country Meadows. He would never leave his best friend again and would do anything in his power for Starsky to feel loved and cared about again. Starsky would never again be abused, and he would provide all of the love that he’d need to get through this. He’d be his strength.

“Buddy, I’ll never let anyone hurt you again, including myself. I love you so much Starsk. Please believe me.”

“Hutch… don’t c…cry. I love you too.”

Hutch gathered a frail Starsky into his arms and held him, careful not to put pressure on any of the open areas on Starsky’s back. Both men cried and took comfort and strength from each other. It felt good to hold his partner again. It felt so damn good.

 

Chapter 19

The next few days, as Starsky’s treatment began for the deep wounds and infections that resulted from the abuse and neglect he had been subjected to at Country Meadows, were pretty rough for both men. As feeling returned, Starsky was in terrible pain and Hutch suffered as much as he did, trying not to let the guilt cripple him again. Guilt that increased as he saw the results of the mistreatment that Starsky had suffered. However, he was determined to be strong for Starsky, and tried to put his guilt behind him, or at least control it. Starsky didn’t need him to be guilt ridden, he needed him to be strong and he could do that.

The feeding tube had been removed and Starsky started taking liquids and special nourishments from the dietician. He began receiving some passive and active physical therapy while in bed, but his first visit to the physical therapy department was yet to be scheduled. His long recovery was about to begin. Emotionally he was doing quite well, although he still faced some moments of despair when he realized just how long his recovery would take. He tried to put on a brave face for Hutch, not wanting to bring his partner down with him. His greatest asset was the love and support that he felt from Hutch, and with Hutch there, his own will and determination to fight had returned. However, there was a down side to having Hutch there, and that was the need he still felt to hide his true feelings. He was very relieved to see that Hutch was looking better each day, and that he’d pulled himself together, and didn’t want to risk causing him any more pain, so the pretence continued.

Hutch was aware that things weren’t quite right for Starsky, but he was trying to stay strong and had every intention of helping him as much as he could. He was with Starsky from first thing in the morning, until night and only left then when Starsky stated that he’d worry about him if he didn’t start looking after himself. He left Starsky’s side only when pushed out by the medical staff who were looking after his wounds and infection, to get meals and take bathroom breaks, and when he returned home at night. He was just so relieved that Starsky was still with him but however hard he tried, he still couldn’t quite persuade Starsky that it wasn’t a chore for him to stay there. Their easy companionship hadn’t returned automatically, although Hutch was prepared to do anything to get it back. Starsky once would have taken Hutch’s presence for granted and assumed that he’d be there for him, but now he was more concerned about holding Hutch back, preventing him from having a normal life. Hutch hadn’t done anything about starting in the Department again, and was living off his investment money, quite content to be there and with Starsky at all times. They hadn’t yet spoken about recent events, but as Starsky started to grow stronger, they both realized that they’d have to talk about what happened. Both wanted to regain their bond, Hutch wanting to explain his actions and Starsky just wanting to make things right between them. Starsky still had a lot of concerns about being a burden to his partner, as his recovery was obviously going to be a long and painful time. Neither of them were sure how to broach the subject.

One morning Hutch had gone for a quick cup of coffee and returned to find that the bed was empty. Hutch forgot about his coffee and went to the nurses station, trying not to panic.

“Mr. Starsky was taken to physical therapy. I’m sorry, didn’t anyone tell you?”

“No! When did they take him? Did anyone tell him what was going to happen?”

“I’m sorry Mr. Hutchinson, we just got the orders this morning and didn’t have much time for preparation.” Hutch turned away, knowing he had to find the physical therapy department and his partner as quickly as he could. This was going to be a difficult time for Starsk, and he wanted to be there for every second.

Starsky had his head down, looking very alone. The therapist had left him on his own and Hutch wondered why, but knew that his instincts had been right. Starsky was going to need him, more than ever.

“Hey buddy? Thought maybe you went chasing after the pretty nurses when I came back and you weren’t there.”

“It’s no good Hutch… but thanks for tryin.”

“Starsk, this is a good sign. Doc must think you’re ready. I’ll be right here with you. No one is gonna hurt you here, or they’ll have me to deal with.”

Starsky started to cry, turning his head away trying to hide his tears. Why do you have to care so much? You’re never gonna let me give up.

“Hey, c’mon partner, why the tears? What are you so afraid of Starsk?” Hutch put his arm around Starsky’s shoulders.

“I hurt! Damn it! Everything hurts, but you wanna know what I’m afraid of the most?”

“Yes, please tell me Starsk.” Hutch stooped down in front of the wheelchair, still with his arm draped around his partner, using his free hand to lift Starsky’s chin so he could look into his eyes.

“Hutch… I’m… I’m afraid of FALLING!!!!! I’m scared that I can’t do this!”

Oh God, how could I have not known that? “Starsk, no one is going to let you fall. I’m not gonna let you fall. As for not being able to do this, I know you can! I know it’ll be hard Starsk, but I’m gonna be here every step of the way, I’ll catch if you I have to. You’re not on your own buddy! What would you be telling me if the tables were turned?”

Starsky feebly tried to wipe at his tears and began to chuckle. Hutch could always make him feel better, even when nothing had really changed. He still had a long and painful road to recovery ahead of him.

“I’d make you get your ass up there and try.”

“Well, then I want you to get your skinny ass up there and try. Got it buddy?”

“I guess, but it’s not you, thank God. I’m grateful for that at least.” Starsky looked directly at Hutch, who swallowed the lump in his throat. “Don’t ever wish yourself here blintz, ’cause if it was you, I’d only be wishing it was me! So it’s kinda pointless!” He grinned weakly, finding his strength from Hutch, as always. Maybe I was wrong before, and it is good that you love me so much.

Starsky looked away and bowed his head, starting to pick at the blanket that covered his legs. “I just don’t know if I’m ready.” This time Hutch took Starsky’s head in both of his hands, forcing the eye contact again.

“I know you’re scared. I’m scared too, but we gotta start somewhere Starsk. When I said that no one was ever going to hurt you again I meant it. How are you gonna take care of me if anything ever happens, if we don’t get you up and moving huh? I need you buddy. All I ask is that you try. For you. For me. For us. If you don’t get those legs working I’m gonna have to drive that tomato of yours around… you know how I feel about that. It’s been sitting in Merle’s garage, growing rust but I thought I might get it out of retirement although I’ll need therapy myself if I have to drive it for too long. What do you say buddy? I’ll be right here every step of the way. You’ll never be alone with this.”

“That’ s not fair Hutch. That’ s blackmail! Besides, I know you’re just looking for an excuse to drive my car. Got news for ya blintz, it’s really not your style so I guess I’m gonna have to give this walking thing a shot. Promise you’ll stay with me.”

“I promise… couldn’t get rid of me if you tried. I’m ready for the show. You show ’em what you’re made of right?”

“Hutch? Thank you. How is it you can always make me laugh, make me want to try, always turn the bad into something good? I’ll try, for us and because, although I love ya, I don’t want ya drivin’ my car.”

“Now that’s the Starsky I know.” Hutch moved closer to embrace his friend and gave him strength… gave them both strength. It worked, as always, the me and thee magic.

 

Chapter 20

Three weeks later after some extensive and painful physical therapy, Hutch was delighted to find out that he could take Starsky home and that he wouldn’t need to go into any rehabilitation center to stay. Hutch was overjoyed and knew Starsky would be too. Starsky had been severely traumatized by his experience at Country Meadows, although he hadn’t really spoken a great deal about it. The social worker and Hutch worked together to arrange for a nurse to come to the house daily to care for the wounds and healing areas on Starsky’s body and a physical therapist would come to the house three times a week. Hutch was more than happy to be Starsky’s nurse and physical therapist when they were not there. He was just so thankful and elated to have Starsky’s life, love and friendship back. He could hardly wait to tell Starsky the great news and he bounded into the room, a wide grin on his face, which faded slightly as he saw his partner’s strained face.

“Hey buddy, what is it?” Hutch couldn’t hide his worry.

Starsky smiled weakly at the concern he could see in Hutch. “I’m okay. Kinda rough day” he sighed as he spoke. He knew he was in for many more rough days, but sometimes it felt harder than others.

Hutch sat down on the chair near the bed and took his hand.

“Great news buddy! You’re coming home with me!” Hutch was surprised when Starsky pulled away slightly, but he didn’t release his hand. “Starsk?”

“Hutch” he took in a deep breath. “You can’t be my nursemaid…”

“Starsky! Don’t even try to finish what you’re going to say! I don’t want to hear it! I let you push me away before, but not again…”

“NO! I didn’t push you away! I wanted you to stay then. That was before I realized just what I was…” Starsky’s eyes filled with tears, blinding him to the horror on Hutch’s face. Hutch suddenly realized what had happened.

“Oh God Starsk! If I could turn back the clock, I would! I was so wrapped up in guilt and despair. You were so badly hurt and it was my fault! I should have been on that hike…”

“No, Hutch. Don’t go over it again. It happened, and we can’t change that. I told you before, that if it was you, I’d wish it was me, so it’s stupid to think that. I never blamed you, not once. I was selfish enough to want you to stay with me and I could see what you were doin’ to yourself with your guilt trip. The bad times hadn’t really started then but when they did, I was kinda glad you weren’t there. That nursing home Hutch…” he swallowed a sob. Hutch wanted to interrupt but he knew they both had things that had to be said. It seemed the moment had arrived, perhaps it should have happened earlier, but Starsky had battles enough with the rough therapy sessions. They’d worn him out physically and Hutch was emotionally exhausted after them. Things would be sorted out now, come what may. Starsky would go first then he’d say his piece and Starsky would realize once and for all, that he would be with him every difficult day, every painful step, for as long as it took. There would be no more misunderstandings between them.

“It was like I didn’t count any more and I realized that I didn’t, and that I was nothing. I’m not sayin’ this to make you feel bad.” Starsky caught a glimpse of the expression on Hutch’s face. “I just want you to realize that it was then that I knew it was better that you weren’t around and I wanted you to let me go. I wanted to die Hutch, really wanted to die and I wasn’t too pleased to wake up. When I saw you there, I felt I was dreamin’ but it became a nightmare again. I couldn’t even die properly and I couldn’t move enough to make sure I did!”

He looked away from the naked pain in Hutch’s face. “I know you said I’d never be a burden to you, but I am! Your life consists of coming here every day and spendin’ time with me. If I moved home with you, it would be even worse! 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, you’d be my nursemaid. Oh I know…” he waved Hutch silent, “I’m getting’ better. That’s what they tell me but it fuckin’ hurts Hutch! These exercises they make me do… and I’m not gonna get better suddenly. I ain’t gonna wake up one morning and suddenly be 100%, it’s gonna be a long, hard road. No, please…” he indicated to Hutch again to keep quiet. “I’m gonna do it blintz! I’m obviously not meant to die yet and I won’t try anythin’ again. Believe me I am gonna fight to get back to normal, and I love ya for bein’ here but I’m not gonna move home with ya! Ya said ya had some money, perhaps another nursing home, or rehabilitation center, just until I’m fully mobile again… It would only be a loan too, just to get me back on my feet. I’m sure there’s a better place than Country Meadows.” Starsky waited for the explosion, which surprisingly didn’t come.

“You finished Starsk? Do I get my say now?” Starsky nodded, but he had no intention of losing this battle.

“Right! Miscommunication stuffed us up before, and it’s not going to do it again. I’m going to say this as clearly as I can and I will repeat it as many times as it takes to get through to you. You are the most stubborn bastard I’ve ever met! But you’ve lost this battle of wills buddy! ‘Cause I’m now fighting for something I value more than my own life, and you may as well give in. I know you don’t want to, so just listen…” he paused for a breath and looked straight into Starsky’s eyes.

“I thought you told me to go. I never would have gone if I hadn’t thought that. However much the guilt tore me apart, I would have been there and you never would have had to suffer Country Meadows. By the way, that place is being investigated and if it isn’t closed down officially, I’ll be paying them a visit.” Hutch was only half joking, but he knew the investigation was proceeding and there was plenty of evidence piling up against the medical staff there. A certain orderly named John Martin, was proving to be very helpful in gathering evidence against the nursing home.

“Anyway, to use your own words, it happened! We can’t change it but you listen to me, you are NOT going anywhere near a place like that again, nor any type of nursing home, not while I have breath in my body. Burden? I have one question for you, but I don’t want you to answer as I already know the answer. What would you do if it was me lying in that bed?” He shook his head at Starsky who was about to speak. “No, you’ve had your turn! I’m gonna be home with you, like it or not! You and me, Starsk, me and thee! I’m probably going to have to learn to do things to help you, and you’re going to have to learn to accept my help, but we’ll get there buddy. I don’t care how long it takes and this nonsense about me having a normal life? When has my life ever been normal? Not since we became partners.” Starsky had to grin at that. He could see that Hutch wasn’t going to back down and although he wasn’t totally comfortable with it, he could see that this battle was lost. Hadn’t he always leaned on Hutch in the past? Hutch had been his strength and support after Gunther’s shooting. What was the difference? He’d been incapacitated pretty badly after that. Hutch watched Starsky thinking, he’d always had such an expressive face.

“I’m going to see the doctor to get your marching orders!” Hutch hid a grin as he left the room.

Starsky also grinned to himself. Maybe Hutch was right after all, they could get through this together. He never thought he would see his home again and more importantly, he never thought he would have time to be with his best friend. There was a reason why his request to die was denied and, for the first time, Starsky was truly thankful that for whatever reason, the morphine didn’t kill him. God knew that both men needed each other and that taking one would just mean He would have to come back for the other one soon. Besides, the world still needed little Hutchinsons and little Starskys to be created.

The remaining serious topic they needed to discuss, was Starsky’s suicide attempt. Hutch wasn’t seriously worried that he’d do it again but he was a little concerned about who’d helped him with the morphine. They talked about it after Starsky was settled in bed, his own bed, that night. Hutch intended to sublet his apartment until Starsky was up and about and he’d taken some time to put it right again, after the long neglect.

“Hutch, I found a friend in that hell hole. A friend who treated me like a human being. It doesn’t matter who he was. I could tell you who it was, but I don’t want you goin’ after him blintz. He was kind to me, and treated me like I was still someone, which is more than the others did!” Hutch was torn. He was grateful that Starsky had found someone to care for him during his stay but the fact remained, a member of the nursing staff had given him a morphine overdose.

“Hutch, I ain’t gonna do it again, if that’s what’s worryin’ you!” Hutch decided he had to let it go. The person had really saved Starsky’s life, and his own. The dream he’d had that night had been so vivid, the dream where Starsky was calling to him for help. Had it been a coincidence? It had got him to the nursing home in time and Starsky was now well and truly on the road to recovery. It would still be a long road, but his Starsky was back. Yes, he had to let it go and just be thankful for the kindness that was shown to his partner and best friend. They had both been granted yet another chance, and he wasn’t going to jeopardize that in any way… Starsky would recover, as would Hutch, but only in having each other would that be possible.

Country Meadows doors were closed for good and many of the nurses that worked at the home lost their licenses to practice. All of the residents were placed into other facilities where they were provided with much better care. When Starsky tried to find out what happened to John Martin, he found that he’d moved to Canada. Hutch realised then that it must have been John who’d helped Starsky, but he never raised it with Starsky again. Actually, Starsky was a hero once more. If it had not been for his actions, for whatever his reasons, all the innocent patients would still be suffering at the hands of the Country Meadows staff.

At long last, both Starsky and Hutch were home, not only physically but emotionally too. Yes, they had both fallen, but the pieces were coming back together. One would not survive without the other. Once again they would both be whole.

END

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Chapter End Notes:

Fallen 2 is the sequel.