Love Smothers Us

146

An overbearing attitude threatens all that matters.

 

Originally published in the Starsky and Hutch mixed zine, Dangerous Lives, Dangerous Visions 5.

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“You’re still mad, aren’t you?” Starsky ventured, not looking over at the couch.

“I am not mad,” came the chilly response. Hutch still hid behind the newspaper he was holding, having retreated there soon after their disagreement.

“Never were a very good liar,” Starsky mumbled.

“Add it to the list of complaints,” Hutch shot back, noisily readjusting the paper. “Liar, idiot, over-bearing jerk.”

“I never said you were over-bearing!”

“Oh, that’s right,” he bit back. “Your exact words were ‘the high and mighty Mr. Hutchinson should keep his damn mouth shut if he knows what’s good for him.’ Does that sound familiar?”

Starsky grimaced at having his words thrown back in his face. “You know what? If you want to have it out again, fine. But I’m not talking to a newspaper. So either look me in the eye or shut up.”

Hutch angrily threw the paper down. “Issuing ultimatums is such a manly thing to do.”

“Yeah, that’s me, big dumb caveman who has to be led around on a string.”

“Have I ever said that? Did I ever tell you that you’re incompetent or inferior or anything to that effect?”

“No,” Starsky told him. “Those big words might hurt my tiny brain, you know?”

“Dammit, Starsky. What do you want from me? I made a decision without consulting you. I said I was sorry, but you’re stuck on it.”

“You made a huge decision without even letting me know until it was too late. And you made me look like a fool.”

“And I said I was sorry!”

“It’s not the first time you’ve done this.”

“Oh, yeah, let’s bring up the house again,” Hutch sighed. “I bought it, you threw a fit, and my family thought I should be committed.”

“You’ve done a lot of stupid things in your life and you never learn.”

“Great, now I’m incompetent, too. This is just getting better and better.”

“And it’s not that I’m ungrateful, seriously I’m not, but a joint account is shared, Hutch. It’s supposed to be for things we both agree on.”

“And a vacation for just the two of us is definitely not something we’d agree on, huh?” Hutch countered.

“It’s not the vacation! We talked about doing this for a long time. I’m gonna love the vacation and you know it, but we were planning for it later on, not now. You went behind my back and put through our vacation requests, but most of all you took the money out without telling me and left me hanging.”

“Yes, I left you hanging,” Hutch pushed. “Why exactly was that? Could it be because you were at the bank drawing out money on our account without letting me know? Yes, I do believe that’s it!”

“I was getting money out to pay for our water heater! The one that broke after you decided to become Mr. Fix-It.”

“I told you I’d pay for that myself, just like I was gonna pay for the vacation on my own. When my check came through, the money was going right back into our account and you’d be none the wiser.”

“And once again I’m the kept boy in this relationship. Daddy Hutchinson to the rescue while his little companion is too dumb to notice,” Starsky shot back, rising from his chair.

Hutch matched him, getting to his feet as well. “My family made one remark and you have to drag it back up every chance you get!”

“They’ve made more than one remark and you know it. Your father almost blew a blood vessel when you bought this house.”

“It was my money to spend.” Hutch looked at him. “What do you want me to do? When I use our joint account, you get mad. When I take care of it on my own, you get mad.”

“Stop treating me like the poor stepchild. Just because I’m not out on the streets anymore doesn’t mean I’m not pulling in a living just like you. Half and half, that was the plan.”

“It still is.”

“Start treating me like I can handle half of this relationship without having you sweep in and rescue me every time I have a problem.”

“Is that what you think I do?” Hutch asked.

“If not, you’ve done a pretty good job of faking it all these years.”

“And if you believe that, it makes me wonder what else you think I’m faking.” Hutch knew it was the wrong thing to say, knew it as soon as he saw the anger flame in Starsky’s eyes, but it was out and there was no taking it back.

“I always hated your games,” Starsky admitted before turning away.

“Starsky, wait.” He reached out and grabbed his partner’s arm.

“Get your hand off of me,” Starsky told him coldly.

Hutch complied, but didn’t give up. “I didn’t mean it.”

“You said it; you meant it.” Starsky moved towards the door. He paused for a moment, not even turning around. “I’m gonna pack a bag and go to Huggy’s.”

“There’s no need for that,” Hutch pointed out. “I’ll sleep in the guestroom; you can sleep in our room.”

“Right now, being in the same house with you is not high on my list.” He quickly glanced over at Hutch. “I’ll be at the station tomorrow, but I’m making no promises above that.”

There was nothing more to say.

Hutch sank down on the couch, listening as Starsky angrily threw clothes into one of his suitcases. He barely looked up when he heard his partner pass through the hallway, not even pausing before he went out the front door. The roar of the engine signaled Starsky’s escape from the nightmare that had just erupted.

Hutch grabbed for the phone, hoping a little prevention would head off the problem before it got worse.

“Pits,” came the happy greeting.

“Huggy! Good, you’re still there.”

“Where else would I be, my blond brother? The joint’s hopping tonight.”

“Look, Starsky’s on his way over there and he’s steamed. He said he’s gonna crash with you tonight.”

“Oh?” Huggy’s voice softened. “What happened—trouble in paradise?”

“I screwed up, Hug. I screwed up badly,” Hutch admitted.

“And you want old Huggy to smooth things over, huh?”

“I’d be happy if you could just make sure he’ll still speak to me tomorrow.”

“Ouch, that must’ve been some fight,” Huggy said.

“It was.”

“Mind telling me what I’m heading off at the pass?”

“He found out about how I paid for the vacation.”

“Ah!” Huggy exclaimed. “And the old kept-boy routine came out again.”

“Among other things, yeah.”

“You know he doesn’t mean what he’s saying, right? He just gets antsy and lashes out.”

“I’m tired of it, Hug. I know he’s hurting, but I’m tired of fighting. We’ve got to get through this block he keeps putting up or else we’re gonna end up torn to shreds.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thanks, man. I owe you,” Hutch told him.

“You both owe me more than you’ll ever know.” The bartender laughed. “But don’t worry about it; your tabs are still good.”

Hutch felt a little better as he hung up the phone. At least Huggy would make sure Starsky wouldn’t go out and do anything stupid, but it was up to Hutch to do the real work. They definitely had to talk about this problem or else it would come back again and again, as it had in all their previous fights.

He got up and headed for the bedroom. It had been a stupid fight brought on his stupid actions and they were going around in the same circles they had been for the past three years. First it was the house, bought with Hutch’s own money while Starsky was in the hospital. It was supposed to be their new start, the beginning of a life spent together instead of apart. Except, it was a start that was doomed.

Starsky had loved the house, still did, and had been overjoyed that Hutch had done something to start them off on the right foot.

And then Hutch’s parents called and Starsky had been home alone at the time. Hutch didn’t find out until later why, the next day, Starsky made it a point to start paying back half of what Hutch had put into the house. His partner continued to pay half of the mortgage every month. That was fine with Hutch, half and half had been their plan all along.

Later, Hutch found out the truth.

Hutch’s father had made a crude remark about Starsky living the high life, being the kept-boy of a Hutchinson. It was a horrible symptom of a much larger problem, namely the Hutchinson family. It hadn’t been the first remark made by his parents and it certainly wasn’t the last. They often questioned about the arrangement, the sinfulness of what they were doing, the fact that Hutchinson money was going into making sure Starsky’s problems kept disappearing.

It ate away at Starsky little by little, and every fight they had went right back to that issue. Starsky began to doubt himself, began to doubt them, and then he blew up. Every time, they’d eventually come back together and pretend it never happened, but the resentment was still there. Until that was dealt with, they’d continue fighting and making up and lashing out.

He ran the shower until the water turned cold. And it reminded him yet again about the water heater, the one that was the ultimate reason why Starsky had found out about the money. Maybe he should have listened to Starsky, should have called the plumber in the first place instead of trying to fix it himself, but he was stubborn. He had worked the streets, brought down crime bosses; surely he could conquer a simple machine. He was wrong and the plumber still had to be called. His stubbornness was apt to get him in constant trouble these days.

Hutch went into their darkened bedroom and slipped between the cool sheets. As much as he tried, though, he couldn’t shut off the thoughts running through his mind. What if this was the final straw? What if Starsky wasn’t willing to talk about it again? What if there was no way to resolve this?

The bed was too large, the room too silent.

Hutch didn’t get much sleep at all that night.

***

The two years since they had moved over to Special Crimes had been good. While they were saddened to leave Dobey’s command, Starsky’s injuries meant he’d be useless on the streets. They had been lucky to come back to duty around the time of the budgets being re-cut, since this meant that finally Bay City could have their own Special Crimes unit like other cities. With their record, it was obvious that their partnership should be carried over. The alternative, as the brass knew well, was that they’d both resign and the city didn’t want to lose the publicity machine that the partners had created with Gunther.

Starsky was at the station, just as he promised, the next morning. He was also making a point of not revealing any of his pain for their coworkers to see. Every attempt Hutch made to talk about the problem was met with aversion, silence, or his refusing to acknowledge there was anything out of the ordinary going on. The only rise he got out of Starsky was when he mentioned that he was going to the bank at lunch to deposit his paycheck. The anger was back in his partner’s eyes, but he said nothing. A day of being virtually ignored began to wear on Hutch’s nerves.

It frustrated him even more when their shift ended, after spending all day with Starsky’s attitude, to have his partner tell him out of the blue, “I’m gonna go get my stuff from Huggy’s.” Starsky said nothing else as he exited the squad room.

Hutch stared after him in silence for a few moments before grabbing his jacket off the back of the chair and following. He spotted Starsky a few feet down the hall, so he took off after him. “So, you’re coming back home?”

Starsky turned around to look at him. “I’m not gonna be shut out of my own home. It’s just as much mine as it is yours.”

“But?” Hutch asked.

“But I’m staying in the guest room.”

“For how long?”

“Until I decide whether or not I’m moving out for good,” Starsky stated bluntly before resuming his walk.

“You really think it’s that bad, Starsk?” Hutch asked, following beside him.

“I think we’re both tired of fighting and it’s not going to get resolved with a quick promise of forever.”

Hutch stopped cold. “That used to be all we ever wanted!” he called out after his partner.

“Things change!” came the cryptic warning before Starsky turned the corner and left Hutch’s line of vision.

How did their lives get so screwed up? Hutch wondered.

It was supposed to be simple. They fell in love, they moved into their own home, life was blissfully happy. At least, that’s how it appeared in all of Hutch’s fantasies. But in life, people fought and hated and destroyed each other because they could.

They had done it all before, played the games and fought the fights, so he really didn’t know why he expected it to change overnight. They were still the same two men who couldn’t agree on where to eat or couldn’t wait to come out the victor in a well-crafted game of manipulation. Sleeping together didn’t erase all that or make it non-existent, but Hutch began to wonder if that added fact didn’t make life more difficult.

He went out to the parking lot, noticing that Starsky had already left. Hutch was in no hurry to get home, so he took the long way out. It was a nice drive, little traffic, and was one of the things that Starsky loved about the location.

Why couldn’t they just focus on the good instead of all the bad? Well, he knew why. They couldn’t focus on the good because of all the doubts that were planted in their heads. The ridicule from Hutch’s parents, the remarks from some of Starsky’s extended family, and the stiff attitude of some of their old colleagues. The complications of their lives were only getting worse as they drew away from one another. If something wasn’t done and soon, there would be no going back.

Hutch was mildly surprised that Starsky was home when he pulled in the driveway. His partner must have broken the speed limit to make it to Huggy’s and back to the house before Hutch.

He unlocked the front door, noting the dead silence that permeated the house. Even calling Starsky might seem like a point of battle, so he didn’t even try. Searching, Hutch finally noticed him in the backyard. He cautiously slid open the glass door and went outside.

“You’re home early,” Hutch ventured as he sat down beside him.

“No traffic,” came the short answer.

“Get everything from Huggy’s?”

“Only had one bag. Not like there was a lot.”

“Yeah,” he said, lapsing into silence.

There was a slight breeze blowing through the trees and the temperatures were still holding. He could see the back garden had a few sprouts coming up. Starsky had promised to be there to harvest the vegetables when they were ready. He wondered if his partner would still keep that promise.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Hutch asked.

“No.”

“Are we ever gonna talk about it?”

“Maybe.”

“If we don’t get it out now, we’ll….”

“Dammit!” Starsky jumped from his seat and turned towards the house. “You just can’t give it up, can you?”

“I’m tired of fighting!” he called out after him.

“So am I!” his partner shouted as he retreated inside.

This was getting nowhere. A cold war existed between them, neither succeeding in making any progress with the other, and he was sick of it. He was sick of the fighting and the power plays and the pain. And more than tired of seeing this turn into yet another one of his failed relationships. Chalk another one up to the Hutchinson curse, broken hearts scattered along the path towards bitterness.

He sat outside until the darkness forced him in. There was no sign of the house’s other inhabitant, but the dirty dishes in the sink told him Starsky had already eaten. Great, they couldn’t even be civil enough to sit at the same dinner table. This was just getting better and better.

Hutch checked the hallway and saw that the door to the guest room was already shut. Starsky had holed himself up for the night, not risking another run-in with Hutch.

Hutch managed to choke down some of the leftover pizza from the night before. He also tried to watch television, pretend that it was just another night. An hour of pretending just left him angrier.

What right did Starsky have to control him? Why was he sitting here, in his own living room, being miserable? But most of all, the thought that kept creeping in was—what if they didn’t get through this?

***

Day two of their battle wasn’t going much better. Starsky emerged from the guest room without a word in the morning and simply went out to the car to wait. Hutch might have taken this as a sign of some progress had it not been for the fact that Starsky gave up and left after five minutes. Yeah, this was going to be a great day.

By the time Hutch had gotten himself to the station, he was ten minutes late and his partner was already involved in paperwork. There were no attempts to draw Starsky out, no pleading to just air their differences and get through this before something worse came along. No, there was just silence and speaking when forced. The situation was going downhill.

Tomorrow was supposed to be the start of their vacation, their surprise vacation, and Hutch was wondering just how likely it was going to be that he’d be spending it alone. Hutch even heard a few of their coworkers talking about how the partners certainly needed a vacation if they were ever gonna get through the snit they were in. They even suggested that Starsky and Hutch might find a couple of nice ladies to aid in the situation.

How wrong they were, as if the simplicity of getting laid would erase the world’s problems. He had tried that, covering many of their fights with a quick romp, but look at where it had ended up. The same place they always ended up, at each other’s throats.

Hutch did make one attempt at civility before he left. He only hoped it wouldn’t end in disaster.

“You coming home for dinner?”

“Might,” was the short response.

“I’m making pasta. It’ll be ready at six. Come if you want, or don’t.”

And then Hutch was gone, out the door and down the hall before Starsky could give a response. It was a point they could fight on if Starsky pushed and he wasn’t in the mood to deal with another argument. The meal was certainly a well-known part of their tradition. They’d get mad and yell, after a while the two of them would cool off, share a meal, say they were sorry, and wait to do it all over again. Long live tradition.

Starsky did show up, albeit a half hour late. It was as if his partner was trying to say he could not be controlled, he’d show up when he felt good and ready. Apparently six-thirty was good and ready enough. The pasta was cold, which garnered the usual exchange of blame between them.

Starsky relented and silently ate his somewhat colder pasta, while shooting angry looks across the table. Hutch refused to acknowledge that they were doing him any harm. Starsky may have always hated Hutch’s games, but he certainly played them well.

When Starsky got up to put his dishes in the sink, Hutch tried to breach the subject that was lying in front of them. “Our time off starts tomorrow.”

Starsky merely grunted.

“Will you at least come with me?” Hutch asked him.

“Considering I paid for half of it,” Starsky said, turning to look at Hutch.

“It’s not the way I thought we’d start our vacation.”

“Life screws up plans; deal with it,” Starsky shot back.

Hutch sighed. “Leave at seven?”

“Fine.”

Starsky retreated back to the guest room, closing the door and effectively shutting Hutch out once again.

It was going to be another restless night.

***

Two hours in the car was about an hour and a half too long for Starsky. He complained about the distance, he complained about Hutch’s driving, he complained about the other drivers, and when he ran out of new things to find fault with, he’d start all over again.

And Hutch was tired, dead tired. The lack of sleep for the past two nights was getting to him. He almost drifted off once, but caught himself.

Starsky paused in his complaints for a few minutes afterwards and Hutch could tell that his partner was looking at him, examining him. But three minutes later, Starsky was back at it again, complaining and talking and grumbling.

Thankfully, it wasn’t long before they got to the hotel they were staying at in San Diego. It was supposed to be a nice, quiet getaway for the two of them. They’d relax and spend some time at the harbors, maybe visit the cliffs down by the ocean. Simplicity, that’s what they had been after. But now, it was anything but simplistic. In fact, this vacation could prove to be more complicated than any they’d ever had because Hutch knew that if something wasn’t resolved before they got back home, then their future together would almost surely be impossible.

They had barely dropped their bags in the room before Starsky informed him that he was going out.

“But we just got here,” Hutch said, bewildered. “And I’m tired.”

“I’m hungry and I wanna go out.”

“Just let me unpack a little and…”

“No need for you to come,” Starsky cut him off. “Go to sleep. You look like you need it.” Starsky didn’t wait for a response before he opened the door and was gone.

Hutch looked after him, confused. They hadn’t been in town for more than half an hour and already Starsky was running away? Hutch couldn’t understand it. Was it really that hopeless and he was too blind to see?

Hutch sat down on the bed, letting the mattress sag beneath him. He was so tired, worn out from the fighting and the lack of sleep and the two hours of driving. Hutch just wanted to close his eyes and make it go away. He turned to lay his whole body on top of the bed, his head comforted by the hotel pillow.

The next thing he knew, he was waking up in a cocoon of warmth. A blanket had been laid over him as he had slept. For a moment, he was confused, disoriented by where he was and how he had gotten there. Then he cleared his eyes and noticed the room’s other occupant.

Starsky was sitting in the corner of the darkened room reading a paperback book, his only illumination coming from the desk lamp beside him. As if sensing Hutch’s increased consciousness, he glanced up and smiled.

“Have a good rest?” he asked, closing his book and setting it aside.

“Apparently,” Hutch yawned as he began to prop himself up in the bed. “How long was I asleep anyway?”

“Oh, about,” Starsky checked his watch, “four hours.”

“Damn, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. I managed to entertain myself.”

Hutch started rubbing his eyes, trying to get the last remnants of sleep to go away.

“You look better,” Starsky continued.

“Feel it, too.” Hutch stretched, pushing the blanket off his legs.

“How long since you had a decent night’s sleep?” Starsky asked, concerned.

Hutch paused, wondering if he should be on guard. Finally, he decided that honesty was best. “Not since you left.”

Starsky’s face fell as he sighed. “We always did know how to kill each other a little at a time.”

“Pretty soon there’s not gonna be anything left if we keep it up.”

Starsky didn’t respond, but his lips set in a hard line.

“I want you to answer me something, straight out,” Hutch pushed on. “Do you still love me?”

His partner took a ragged breath before answering. “It would be so easy to just say no, wouldn’t it? But you’d know it’s a lie.” He looked towards the window, the curtains still drawn. “And that’s what scares me most.”

“Since when have you been scared of loving me?” Hutch questioned.

Starsky turned back towards him. “I’m afraid that even if everybody’s right, I still can’t change how I feel about you.”

“Starsky…”

“No, listen,” he admonished. “Just listen to me for a minute.”

Hutch remained silent, allowing Starsky to continue.

“What if they’re right? What if we’re telling everyone to go to hell while we’re making all these grand plans and then we find out that they’re right? Five or ten years down the road, what if we find out that all this was a mistake?”

“Do you think it’s a mistake?” Hutch feared the answer.

“No.” Starsky shook his head. “But your family…”

“When have I ever given a damn about what they thought?”

“But they might see something that we can’t!”

“They don’t even know you, Starsky.”

“And yet they hate me.”

“They hate you because they can,” Hutch told him, easing off the bed to walk towards the window. “They hate you because you can make me happy when they never could.”

“But what if…”

“Dammit, Starsky! I hate your what-if games!” Hutch pulled back the curtain violently. Sunlight flooded the room. “What if I die tomorrow, what if you get hurt again, what if we live until we’re ninety? Life’s not about being certain of what-if.”

“Then let’s talk about what is,” Starsky shot back.

“You wanna know?” Hutch spun around. “Fine, I’ll tell you. I spent the last two days wondering if I had messed up the only good relationship I’ve had. I’m cursed and you know it. I turned this into a replay of Van and me all over again.”

“You’re comparing me to Vanessa?” Starsky sounded angry.

“No, I’m saying this is what it’s turning into. Vanessa knew how to push my buttons just as much as I did hers and we’re the same way.” He paused for a moment, lowering his voice. “But you’ve got one thing over her. When you push me, I can’t just walk away.”

“Do you want to?”

“Sometimes,” Hutch admitted. “Sometimes it would be so much easier to just turn my back on all of this and chalk it up to another time I royally screwed up, but you know what?” Hutch looked at Starsky’s hurt expression. “I can’t because I love you too much. I turned my whole life upside down for you, we both did, and that wasn’t all for nothing.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I’m not willing to screw up something else in my life just because it’s getting hard. We’re worth more than that,” Hutch told him.

Starsky sighed. “Things are changing so fast and it’s hard to deal with it. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. There’s been a lot of sacrifices. Maybe one day you’ll realize that it’s too much.”

“Is that what this is about?” Hutch asked, coming nearer to look into Starsky’s face. “You think I’m gonna regret what? Not being on the streets getting killed every day? Not living alone in some apartment that every hood from here to Utah can get into? You think I’m gonna regret being happy and safe?”

“Things haven’t been the same since I got shot,” Starsky pointed out.

“Well, no,” Hutch ventured. “A lot of things have changed between us.”

“Yeah, including the way you treat me.”

“What?”

“Hutch, ever since I got out of the hospital you’ve been acting like you have to protect me.”

“I’m your partner…” Hutch began before being cut off.

“No, when you were just my partner you acted like I was your equal. Now that we’re lovers you treat me like I’m incapable of living alone.”

“I didn’t think we wanted to live alone.” Hutch knew he sounded hurt.

“I want us to share our life together, Hutch, but you’ve gotta stop smothering me.”

Hutch’s eyes dropped to the floor. The truth was out there now.

Starsky cupped Hutch’s chin and brought his face up so that he could look into his partner’s eyes. “It’s just gonna take some time, Hutch. We just gotta remember to give each other some space now and then.”

“I know,” Hutch admitted.

“And you’ve got to stop paying for my mistakes.”

“I don’t pay for your mistakes!”

“Hutch,” Starsky drew his voice out for effect. “You left your old job for me.”

“We left together.”

“You bought the house.”

“You love the house!” Hutch reminded him.

“I’m not denying that, but don’t think I haven’t noticed the bills disappearing, the little gifts, the financial burden being lifted.”

“I’m just trying to make things easier,” Hutch apologized.

“That’s fine, Hutch, but remember that I’m capable to taking care of things, too. I can handle it.”

“I just got so scared after Gunther that…” He let his voice fade.

“That you wanted to control what you could?” Starsky asked.

“Maybe,” Hutch admitted.

“I know it was hard on you,” Starsky said, his expression sad. “You saw me through a whole lot of bad times with the recovery and then helping me put my life back together.”

“Putting both our lives back together,” Hutch reminded him. “We were building something new.”

“I just…you know, with the money and everything, it makes me feel like I’m not as good as I once was. Like I can’t do it on my own anymore.”

“But isn’t that the point, that you don’t have to?” Hutch questioned. “Neither one of us has to do it alone anymore.”

“I guess that’s the part I keep forgetting,” Starsky said softly. “I’ll work on it. Just keep reminding me now and then.”

“Starsk.” Hutch laid his hand against Starsky’s face. “I’m sorry for the way I’ve been treating you.”

Starsky turned to kiss the palm of his partner’s hand before pulling it down in a tight clench. “I haven’t done much better.”

“And maybe I’ve been so focused on making everything perfect that I forgot about the person I was doing it for.”

“Yeah, the big dummy sitting in front of you,” Starsky teased. “Man, we’re stupid sometimes, you know?”

“That’s an understatement.”

They both lapsed into silence, just watching each other.

Slowly, a smile crossed their faces and Starsky had to laugh. “Do you think we could salvage this vacation?”

“I’m willing to try,” Hutch responded, rising to his feet and pulling Starsky up with him.

“Clean start?”

“Clean start,” Hutch agreed. “But promise me something.”

“What?” Starsky asked.

“Let’s try not to blow everything to bits the next time we get scared.”

“One day at a time,” Starsky said, opening the door to the outside world.

“For many to come,” Hutch answered, following behind his partner as they went out the door, hands firmly pressed together.

THE END