Question #3

1.4K

The memo finally appears, yet it’s the catalyst for Hutch’s incredibly wrong answers.

---

He wasn’t sure how long he had sat on the couch with his head in his hands, words he never thought they would say to one another still echoing in his heart. Cruel words, used by both to purposely hurt the sensitive spots in each other’s psyche.

The clock chimed 2 am. They had started arguing, again, at a little after midnight. When Starsky had shouted his aggravation in a deafening “Fuck it!” and dropped to the couch. Hutch had dropped to the floor as if he had no more energy to stand. He sat across the coffee table from him, his eyes blank. Still, neither had touched the other.

How did we get to this? Starsky thought. How did we lose what couldn’t be lost? What couldn’t be destroyed by bullets, poisons, satanic worshipers or plagues lay in pieces.

I, no we, can’t take any more of this he acknowledged. And a plan began to form in his brain. Out of desperation or self preservation, he wasn’t sure, but something had to change. Now.

He got up and walked to where his partner now sat with his eyes closed. He bent down and for a minute or two, just looked at his friend. Then, resolve growing, he slipped his hand into Hutch’s hair while his thumb caressed the pale cheek.

“Hutch? Come on, look at me.”

The blond slowly, hesitatingly opened his eyes to connect with the blue he had always sought. His face was tear-streaked and his eyes were a bit glassy. He said nothing, so Starsky plunged ahead.

“We can’t do this anymore. Hurting each other, hurting ourselves.” He took a deep breath, looking up to pull his resolve and emotions together. “So here’s what we’re going to do.” Starsky took another deep breath, shook himself and continued. “First, we’re going to take a shower and get you cleaned up.” He held up his hand, forestalling the anticipated protest. “No sex. From this moment on, for the next two weeks, there will be no suggestion, request, or mention of anything sexual between us, ok?”

He got a small, confirming nod. He also had Hutch’s rapt attention for the first time in a long time it seemed.

“Ok, then we’re going to get a few hours sleep and when we wake up, you’re going to pack a bag. Then we’ll go to my place and I’ll pack a bag. And then we’re leaving.”

“For where?” Hutch’s voice was raspy and soft, depressed.

“Doesn’t matter. Somewhere. Away from all the crap that gets in the way. I don’t care if we drive, fly, hitch hike, whatever, just away from here. We need someplace that will let us once and for all figure things out.”

“If you want.” Hutch sounded convinced that the trip was a waste, but if Starsky wanted to go, he’d go. “Can’t see where it would make any difference, but one place is as good as another.”

“I want. And for those same two weeks without sex, talking about the future isn’t gonna happen either.”

Hutch had a dry, what-the-heck-are-you-thinking sort of laugh. “The future?”

Blue eyes bored into blue. “No future plans. We’re going somewhere to find out where we are now and maybe how we got here. Not gonna put any pressure on, trying to decide the future when we aren’t even sure of the present. “Starsky ran his hand down from Hutch’s face to his shoulder, then his arm, then gripped the big hand and pulled upward. “Let’s get started.”

When Hutch was fully on his feet, Starsky let his hand go, gesturing to the bathroom. “Go on and get started. I’m right behind you.”

Hutch stared for a minute at his friend, his love, then walked toward the bathroom. How is this going to help? What’s he thinking? Geez, Hutchinson, the fact that you don’t know what he’s thinking ought to tell you something. Tell you a lot. God, how did we get to this awful place? Can we get out or have I lost him for good? Hell, have I lost me for good?

He entered the bathroom and began to search for two reasonably clean towels and started the water running.

Starsky picked up the trash from another dinner that had dissolved into another argument. Setting beer bottles in the trash, he heard the shower turn on. This shower was symbolic, he thought. When we step out of the water, we’re starting a new chapter. Not sure where it will end up, but one thing’s for sure. The love is still there, still strong. Otherwise we would have split long before this.

Hutch was pulling his last leg out of his cords when Starsky entered the bathroom, shirt undone and half off. Hutch tested the water and stepped under the spray. Starsky shucked the rest of his clothes and followed his partner.

For a moment, they just stared at each other, water running between them. Then Starsky grabbed the soap and wash cloth, and turned Hutch away from him. Starting with his shoulders, Starsky started washing with plenty of lather and a softness he hadn’t used in quite a while. Down the shoulders to Hutch’s back, he half washed half massaged the tense muscles.

Hutch dropped his head forward, drinking in the tenderness that had been missing for so long it seemed. He could feel all the intensity Starsky held inside. Starsky wanted this to work, needed it to work. He owed his partner that much, at least to try. He was sure nothing would happen except they’d argue in a new part of the country, but what the hell? Trying to give it a fair chance, he resolved to rely on what had gotten then through so much. He let go and trusted his partner completely. Might as well he thought. How can things possibly get any worse between us?

Starsky had worked his way down to Hutch’s feet and started up the front side of his partner. His hands made small circles with lots of lather and the smell of the vanilla soap became even stronger. Hutch loves vanilla came the unbidden thought. And so do I because he does. When he got to the genitals, he washed them tenderly but without any more feeling than the rest of the big body and somehow, that made Hutch relax even further.

As the wash cloth came to his face, Hutch closed his eyes. When he felt the cloth finish, he brought his hands up and gently took the soap and cloth from his shower mate. He rinsed himself off then turned Starsky away from him to begin the process of washing his love. He’s so beautiful Hutch thought for the millionth time. I wish he could see what I see, but all he sees are the scars. I love those scars. They’re as important as his hands, his heart, his mind, his anything. The feelings were assaulting him, piling one on top of the other, too long pushed aside. He poured them into his hands, washing, gliding, loving the body before him.

As Hutch’s hands smoothed over his body, Starsky started to relax, then let himself drift in his mind to other shared showers. The big shower in that hotel in Carmel when they drove up for the weekend. The communal shower at Vinny’s where they dared washing each other because they knew the place was empty and promised to lock up when they were done. The time they bathed in the lake at Dobey’s cabin. Every memory relaxed him further, letting him enjoy the current shower more and more.

When Hutch got to his face, Starsky rinsed, then tipped his head back, waiting. He felt Hutch reach for the shampoo, and then felt himself turned so the spray could hit his hair. Hands with shampoo came a moment later and Starsky remembered how much he loved having Hutch wash his hair. He could feel the tenderness, the love, through the hands that never could get enough of his dense, dark curls. God this feels good! It’s been so long since we did this. We should love each other this way every day — every day? As in every morning? Starsky stopped himself. Not supposed to think about the future. Not yet. But god, if we could feel like this before we hit the streets and faced all the ugliness …

He almost groaned aloud, but sighed deeply instead and lifted his head out of the spray to wash Hutch’s hair. When did his hair get so long? Starsky was amazed at how much hair was actually there to wash. Usually it was like trying to wash, he imagined, a child’s hair. It was so fine and soft it never seemed like all that much. It was amazing how so little wet hair turned into the amazing head of blond. Now, it seemed like there actually was an adult head of hair beneath his fingers. Turning his partner, he rinsed the last of the shampoo and wiped the soap from Hutch’s forehead.

Hutch was uncertain of what to do next. Should I just turn the water off and get out? Should I wait for him? This is crazy — how did we get here?

Starsky felt every quiver, every uncertainty in the blonde’s body. He slipped his arms around Hutch’s neck and pulled him close. Hesitantly, Hutch’s arms slipped around his love’s waist. When Starsky spoke, both sets of arms tightened. “No sex, but plenty of love, Blintz. The love has always been here, long before the sex.”

Hutch buried his nose in the clean curls as he felt Starsky snuggle against his neck, placing a soft kiss where his neck met his shoulder. “You feel so …”

“… good.” Starsky finished. “Can we just stay this way for a little bit?”

“Nothing I’d rather do,” Hutch answered throatily and kissed the head beneath all that hair. “I can’t remember the last time we did this.”

“Me either.”

“You really think we’ll be able to figure out why?” Hutch tightened his embrace as he whispered the question.

“We have to. We have to or nothing matters anymore.” Starsky said determinedly. “We love each other so much, like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I know I need you Hutch. I need you in my life or nothing makes any difference.”

“And you’ve got the plan to figure this out?” Hutch asked with the faintest hint of teasing.

“Well, so far it’s worked, right?”

“Sure. And I love you like nothing else too, Starsk. Like nothing else ever.”

They stood there a few moments then Starsky turned the water off and grabbed two towels. In five minutes, Hutch was in bed, dressed in pajama bottoms. After drying his hair as best he could, Starsky walked to Hutch’s dresser and took out pajama bottoms for himself. As he slipped into “his” side of the bed, he rubbed Hutch’s shoulder. “Night, babe.”

******************

As Hutch packed, Starsky watered the jungle and cleaned up the apartment. As much as he loved Hutch, he never understood how his partner could be such a slob. With the dishes washed and the refrigerator cleaned out, Starsky was collecting dirty laundry from seemingly everywhere when Hutch stood in the doorway and asked, “Where we going??

“Don’t know — why?”

“Well, do I pack sweaters or shorts?”

“I feel like sitting on a beach and veggin’ for a while, ok?” Starsky offered, piling shirts into a laundry basket.

Hutch shrugged. “Ok, shorts it is.”

Five minutes later Hutch emerged with a suitcase and an overnight bag packed and set by the door. Sounding as depressed as Starsky had ever heard him, he announced “I’m done. The place looks good. And we won’t even be here to enjoy it.”

“The fact that you can have that much dirty laundry and still fill two suitcases tells me you’ve got way too many clothes. How come I always see you in the same ones then?” Starsky teased.

“I’ve got my favorites like anybody else I suppose. You ready?”

“Yeah, let’s hit it.”

Waiting for Starsky to pack, Hutch tried to muster something more than his current dour attitude. He wants to try, I owe him that. OK Hutchinson, this trip can’t be any worse than the past few months at home. At least there’ll be something new to look at when I walk away from yet another argument. He softly snorted to himself. Not exactly a positive attitude.

Thirty minutes later, two men and four suitcases pulled into their bank parking lot. They hadn’t talked much since leaving Hutch’s place but it didn’t seem to matter. Inside, filling out withdrawal slips, Hutch quietly asked his partner, “Will you let me do something?”

“Like what, rob the place?”

“Funny. Will you let Grandma buy our airline tickets?” Hutch’s trust fund stood mainly untouched. Hutch had used a little when he had taken off work to help Starsky recover, but for the most part it sat just gathering interest. “Please? It was an investment from Gram and I want to invest in us, ok?” he asked hopefully.

“Boy, how long did you work on that approach babe? If I say no, I sound “uncommitted” — sure you don’t want to go back to school for that law degree? Ok, Gram’s treat,” Starsky relented.

Fifteen minutes later they were in the Torino, headed for the airport. The fact that Starsky was willing to leave his precious car at airport parking told volumes about how serious he was about this trip and fixing what was between him and his partner. Wouldn’t it be great if we could just drop the two of us off at Merle’s and we’d be fixed up good as new? Hutch thought. Not even Merle the Pearl is that talented he thought sadly.

They parked, grabbed their bags and walked into the terminal. Starsky sat on a bench with the luggage while Hutch went to the counter to get the tickets. “The beach? said Hutch walking toward the counter. At Starsky’s nod, he took his place in line and was quickly at the purchase counter.

Starsky watched his partner as he purchased the tickets. He’s so sad he thought. His whole body is sad Starsky observed. Slumped posture, downward looking, he looks exhausted. We both do the dark one acknowledged. Looking up, Hutch was now headed toward him and the bags.

“Gate 17. We board in about 15 minutes so it worked out great” the blond said handing Starsky his ticket.

“So what beach did you pick?” Starsky asked looking down at his ticket. His face registered a mild shock as he exclaimed “Maui? Hutch? Maui?”

“You said I could pick the beach and that’s the beach I picked.”

“But you’ve never been to this beach!”

“All the more reason to go. Besides, you said Gram could buy and she always wanted to go to Hawaii, so it’s perfect.” Hutch grabbed his bags. “Come on, let’s board,” he said over his shoulder as he walked to the security check point and tossed his bags on the x-ray conveyor belt.

******************

Without looking, Starsky knew Hutch had put them in first class, and with a long flight ahead of them, he found didn’t mind at all. Those sorts of things that used to bother him didn’t much anymore. Am I getting smarter or just getting older? he wondered. We were too proud to accept such a gift before. Felt like we didn’t earn it, so it wasn’t worth having. He smiled inwardly. We’ve both earned everything we can get now though. Not too proud to take the more comfortable seat or whatever he thought. Older and smarter.

Once in the air, Starsky found his eyelids heavy and settled back with a pillow and blanket to nap the afternoon away. Trying to get comfortable, he finally decided that Hutch’s shoulder was as comfortable as it always was and it wasn’t the least bit sexual to lean against the warm shoulder that had held him safe so many times. For his part, Hutch held still until his partner was breathing the soft, even breaths of sleep. Only then did the blond lean against the head on his shoulder, tucking the curls under his chin with a soft smile. I miss this.

While Starsky slept, Hutch was thinking, furiously, disjointedly, desperately. He really wants this. He wants to make things work out between us so much he let me use “the money” to what? To let me feel like I’m contributing? To make me feel wanted? To make me happy? Hutch’s thoughts ran over the last two years, playing and replaying good and awful scenes in his head. It seemed for every good, there was a bad. That’s not right. There were far more good than bad, a lot more. It’s just that the bad were so bad.

Starsky shifted and Hutch nuzzled the curls. The flight attendant, having worked first class for most of her career, didn’t give them a second glance when Starsky settled in. She looked Hutch’s way occasionally, silently asking if they needed anything, as she did now. Hutch gave her a soft smile and returned his attention to his partner. He wants this — I know I do. But do I have the guts to tell him everything? I couldn’t tell him any other time, how can I now? How can I tell him on some beach what I couldn’t tell him when we were alone in bed, cuddling, loving? Or screaming at each other from across the room?

Because if I don’t, that’s it. We’re done. For good.

There’ll be nothing good about it he told himself. He’s the bravest man you’ve ever known. Show a tenth of those guts and tell him he chastised himself. It was going to be a long flight, but god knows an even longer trip.

*********************

Starsky lay awake, thinking, with eyes closed for the last hour of the flight. Seemed like all he wanted to do was sleep for months now. After Gunther, he knew he tired more easily, but that was a physical fatigue. What dogged him for months was emotional fatigue. “One way to deal is to ignore it,” the therapist had told him. “Some people ignore problems by sleeping,” she had explained. “It’s a classic sign of depression in cases like yours — and it’s hard to diagnose because the body is also physically tired,” she had explained.

Well, the goal of this trip was to figure out what to be depressed over, he thought wryly. Losing Hutch or … losing Hutch. Gotta find that middle ground.

Hutch shifted slightly and stroked his “sleeping” partner’s hair. That feels so good” thought Starsky. That’s where we’ll start he decided. With the physical closeness they had shared long before sex was a part of the relationship. When touching was to show support, caring, patience, love. Some people would say their first kiss was a formality.

That first kiss blew me away, blew us both away. Starsky snuggled closer to his shoulder pillow. That was amazing. We both knew there was no way back from that first kiss. We denied ourselves of so much for so long, he remembered. Then when it happened, it hit us like a tidal wave. We both got a little crazy in bed for months. Like we were afraid of never having these feelings ever again. He remembered what it was like when they were with other people after they’d discovered each other and couldn’t let on what had happened between them. It was so hard not being able to shout his love from the rooftops for Starsky. But Hutch knew that he thought. Hutch knew I wanted to and that seemed to be enough for him.

*********************

The decided on a rental car rather than a taxi and arrived at a hotel Starsky knew a cop’s salary could never afford. As they pulled up in front of the place, Starsky whistled then said, “Well, thanks Gram.”

Hutch smiled and climbed out as the valet held the door. Thirty minutes later they were in their room, unpacking. The spacious room faced the water and Starsky slid the doorwall open to hear the waves. It was early afternoon local time and Starsky had changed into shorts and casual polo shirt, ready for the beach. After Hutch changed, they found their way down to the hotel’s private beach and claimed two chaise lounges. Starsky set his watch’s alarm so he wouldn’t fall asleep and burn his back and settled on the chaise.

“Starsk?”

“Hmm?”

“You want some sun tan lotion on your back?”

“That line’s older than you, Hutch.”

“Maybe, but why ruin the next two weeks burning on day one?”

“Kay.”

Taking that as agreement, Hutch proceeded to spread the lotion on his partner’s shoulders, neck, back and legs. He heard a sleepy, “Thanks hon” as he finished. Smiling slightly, he tugged on a curl and settled back in his chair, closing his eyes to the sun.

When the alarm went off an hour later, both men turned over and wordlessly, Starsky grabbed the lotion and reciprocated. Hutch signed when his back was finished, then his legs, then turned his head to whisper “I love you.”

“Love you too,” was whispered into an ear beneath blond locks. “Thank you.”

“For what?” murmured Hutch.

“For investin’ in us.” Setting the watch alarm again, he settled back into the chaise.

After the alarm went off this time, Hutch stood up, rubbed his face and started for the water, looking back at his companion. “Comin’?”

Starsky hesitated a moment, appearing to inwardly debate himself. Sitting shirtless with his eyes closed on a private resort beach was one thing. Going down into the water, walking in front of everyone with his scarred chest, was something else entirely. Finally, he stood up as Hutch walked back to the chaises. “Babe, I know you don’t believe me, but maybe someday you will. With or without scars, you are the most beautiful, the most striking, the most fucking gorgeous sexy man I’ve ever seen.”

When Starsky raised his eyes to his partner, they were moist and the smile was shy. “I thought we said no sex,” he said softly.

“I thought the same even before I wanted your bod, babe. Why do you think I let you come to the beach with me?” He turned back and headed for the water, his embarrassed love a step behind.

*************************

Even though they’d spent the afternoon practically alone on their beach, not much had been said between the two, especially anything remotely related to their relationship. Back in the room, Hutch left the big bathroom, toweling his hair from his shower. “All yours,” he said.

Starsky had finished unpacking, and tossed a pair of cotton dress pants onto one of the beds. “Thanks. I smell like cocoa butter and sand,” he said closing the door.

You smell like heaven, thought Hutch. How am I going to “not” touch him for two weeks? Why did I agree to that? He’s the most beautiful thing in my world and I NEED him.

Enough to tell him? The other voice in his head practically shouted. That’s all he wants is the truth but you won’t give it to him. Hutch tossed the towel on the bed and picked up Starsky’s pants. He bought these in Duluth last time we were there, he thought, remembering how surprised he was when Starsky wanted to go shopping, and then even more so when he bought more than one pair of pants that weren’t blue jeans. He’d bought two pair of the cotton dress trousers and a pair of white and a pair of black jeans.

Lost in memories, Hutch smiled remembering the afternoon on the boat when Starsky had worn the white jeans and a navy polo. Mom’s friends were practically drooling over him. So were their daughters. Felt like I was in the middle of some Steppford wives episode. Of course, the humor had helped him keep from throwing a rod every time he looked at his lover. Those white jeans ought to be illegal! Painted on, of course, they had accentuated Starsky’s narrow waist and hips and made his chest and shoulders look even broader. Like Superman in civvies, Hutch had thought.

He hadn’t told his folks yet that afternoon. That fun was the day after. A moment of quiet stoicism, followed by “reasoning” best described the reaction. The fact that they had adored David the day before was seemingly cancelled out by what they imagined he was doing with and to their Wonder Bread son. Hutch had told his father first, the two of them alone in the study. True to Hutchinson form, no voices were raised while Starsky was in earshot. But that night, after Starsky had gone up to bed, Richard Hutchinson made his position clear.

“Dipping into your trust fund for a friend was one thing,” the elder Hutchinson snarled. “But for your male lover?! That’s insane! This situation is insane! I can only assume you think you know what love is, but it certainly isn’t that!” he said, pointing up the stairs to the bedrooms.

“That,” Hutch responded, “is my life.” A truly angry Hutchinson was most dangerous when quiet and Hutch was hissing through his teeth. “After everything he’s gone through, we’ve gone through, you have the audacity to tell me it doesn’t mean anything? I love him more than I could ever put into words, more than you can obviously understand.”

Richard tried a different take. “At least when you were married to Vanes …”

“Don’t you DARE compare him to that cold-hearted, manipulative bitch!” Hutch exploded. “What we have is the opposite, the beautiful, glorious opposite, of life with her! Love, laughs, warmth, trust, putting the other first, Starsky tells me how much he loves me every time he looks at me!”

“Now you’re getting dramatic,” Richard said, trying to talk his son into seeing reason.

“Dramatic? Dramatic? How ’bout I give you real?!” Hutch countered. “I held him in my arms, bleeding to death in that parking lot and he told me would always be with me and not to be scared!” he shouted. “His first word after three weeks of being in a coma was Hutch!” The blond shook his head remembering. “At night, when the pain killers weren’t enough and he was sick with pain, all he wanted was for me to hold him and sing softly to him. Only then he could fall asleep!”

“There, you see. This is all based on a traumatic experience,” Richard said. “With some time away from it, things will go back to normal again and you’ll …”

“Wrong! You can’t make Gunther ‘not’ happen! It did, and it changed us both, forever and for good.” Hutch turned to leave the room, headed for the stairs. “We wanted you to know, to maybe be a little surprised but happy that we found happiness, especially after everything. But now, I have to go tell the love of my life that I was right, and he was wrong, and that you’re more closed minded than ever! Starsk said I shouldn’t think the worst, that I should trust you to be happy in your child’s happiness. My partner gets his heart broken a lot, but no more because of this family.” Hutch’s voice was cold and quiet. “We’ll be gone in the morning.”

When I got upstairs, our bags were already packed and Starsky was sound asleep in my bed, not the one across the hall where he had spent their first night. Hutch remembered slipping into bed and how the “Sea of Starsky” as his partner called it, had swum around and circled Hutch, holding him and cuddling close. They’d left at dawn.

“We’re in Hawaii and you’re day dreamin’? Starsky’s voice dragged him back to the present.

“I saw the pants and got pulled back thinking about Duluth,” Hutch admitted.

“Yeah, well, I figured we’d take the curse off ’em by showing you a good time. Give ya’ something besides a blue jean companion.”

“Blue jeans are great on you,” he said. Softer, “and off you.”

“Hey, we said …”

“I know. Maybe I shouldn’t have agreed.”

“Sex has never been a problem, Hutch. We gotta get past that. Think with our hearts and not our heads,” he said pointing downwards. “Gotta shave” and he was gone back into the bathroom.

“Mine are connected, Starsk. And I know yours are, too.”

*********************************

Two weeks with no sex — why did I think we could do that? Starsky whispered to his reflection. No, we have to get to the core of “us” now and sex can be an eye poppin’ celebration at the end.

Duluth had revealed something important to Starsky. There was a new “us.” As partners and best friends, their relationship was tighter than Dobey with days off. As lovers, they were fiercely exclusive, devoted to each other. It was explaining that to other people, or wanting to and not being able to, that bogged them down.

For the millionth time, Starsky wished he could just put a wedding ring on Hutch and himself and that would be the end of it. “Dreamer. Be nice though.” He thought they had settled into what the new them was going to be, even after Duluth. Hutch had denied being hurt until the second day they were back home, and then crawled into his lover’s arms and sniffed and teared his way talking through the discussion and his feelings about how his parents had taken the news.

Starsky had hoped his mother’s reaction would be nothing like the Hutchinson’s had been. She was on her second visit since he’d been shot. A good way through therapy, he wasn’t totally dependent on Hutch anymore but that didn’t matter. They were inseparable. They hadn’t even tried to sleep apart. They needed each other desperately and with no sex possible, the time had been spent healing their souls as well as Starsky’s injuries. Hutch had made a cleaning run to his place so Rachel could stay there rather than a hotel and the three of them had been for a walk on the beach when Starsky told his mother of their new relationship. Sitting on a blanket, she looked out into the water a long while before saying a word.

“Ma?”

“Give me a couple minutes, Davey.”

He and Hutch had gotten up and walked down to the water, leaving Rachel to think her way through it. They were careful not to do anything overtly romantic, but even watching them walk together, Rachel could see the love, the fierce protectiveness they had over each other. Yet, there was nothing different than before her son had been shot.

When the boys had returned to the blanket, she smiled at each of them as they helped her stand. “My Davey, never takes the easy way when the hard way will do,” she said as she kissed his cheek. “I don’t have to ask you both if you’re sure, I can see that.”

She turned to Hutch. “And yet, in so many ways, there’s really no change at all is there Ken?”

Blushing slightly, Hutch looked down, then into her eyes when he said, “No, you’re right Rachel. I have always loved your son with my whole heart and soul. I just got brave enough to show him a new way to express it.”

Nodding, Rachel said “Well, can I meet Keiko and Molly while I’m here this time? Seems like that’s as close to grandkids as you two are going to give me!”

It had been that simple. They had walked back home and Rachel had spent the next day with her boys and her “grandkids.” Hutch had called Marianne, Keiko’s mom, the night before and asked if she would meet them for coffee before they came to the house the next day. There they had told her of the change in their relationship and why Keiko and Molly were about to inherit a grandmother, if she was okay with it. “Love is love,” she had said. “Keiko is old enough to hear about the next part of the facts of life” she said. “How did I get this old?” she asked, then laughed. And they all did, awkward moment gone.

The shaving cream had dried on his face when Starsky came back from the day on the beach. Re-lathering, he thought about what he might try and get his blond to talk about tonight.

***********************

They decided they wanted to eat outside, easy enough in Maui, and picked a little seafood bistro. After polishing off two huge swordfish dinners, they decided to finish the bottle of wine with dessert. Hutch ordered some flaky pastry and Starsky longed to lick the crème from his fingers instead of sharing the treat with forks.

He made a point of waiting until Hutch looked at him, then turned his gaze to the water and asked, “Feel like talking?”

“Guess that’s why we’re here, isn’t it?”

“Not completely. Getting away from it all was definitely in order too.”

Hutch nodded, then looked at the water as well. “Something specific you want to start with?”

“I want to ask you to think about something and I don’t want you to get mad, or answer me right now. I want you to take the time to really think about it and not tell me what you think I want to hear.”

“Oh — kay,” he said slowly.

“Total truth or nothin’, agreed?” said Starsky.

“Agreed.”

“I know that there is something between us that’s left unsaid, and I think it’s you who has to say it, babe. I can’t imagine how there is anything you can’t say to me, but am I right? Just tell me if I’m right.”

Hutch nodded. “I know you knew that.”

“So then my question is what do you need in order for you to tell me that thing that’s just hangin’ out there waitin’ to be said?” Starsky got up from the table, folding his napkin. “Don’t tell me now. In fact, don’t tell me tonight. I’m not askin’ what’s hanging out there unsaid. I’m asking what you need in order to answer that big question. I’m asking you to really think about this Hutch ’cause I’m gonna push it … later. You ready?”

“Sure, I’ll pay this and meet you at the front.”

“Kay.” Starsky ran his finger up his lover’s arm. “A whole bottle of wine? You know where I’ll be. Meet you up front.”

*******************

Back at the hotel, they took off their shoes and walked on the beach a while. Just before going back inside, Hutch put a hand out to stop his partner.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, babe. This works both ways.”

“When we were in Duluth, you packed our stuff before you got in bed that night, right?”

“Yep.”

“How did you know? You sounded so sure that it wouldn’t be that much different from your mom.”

“When I went up to bed, I just knew. Didn’t want to sit up and wait, or try to eavesdrop on the stairs, so I just packed.”

Hutch took a deep breath. “Do you blame me for my folks’ reaction?”

“What? No, no way!”

“There’s not a part of you that thinks we should have told them together, like we did with Rachel?”

“I was ready to, if you wanted. I wonder if anything would have been different, sure, but there’s no blame except on your folks, Hutch. I blame them for not celebrating their son’s happiness.”

Hutch looked down. Nodded. “Can I ask you something else?”

“Course.”

“There’s no way I’m going to get any sleep whatsoever if you’re in one bed and I’m in the other. I know we said no sex, but can I just hold you? I promise to keep my hands in G-rated places …”

He looked so forlorn, so lost — so much like he had for weeks. Except for today. His mood had lifted this afternoon Starsky acknowledged. And he desperately wanted to hold Hutch too.

“Okay, G-rated places only. Me too?”

“Of course you too!”

They went upstairs, brushed their teeth together, then stripped — Hutch to his boxers and Starsky to purple briefs. They climbed into bed and slipped into each other’s arms with ease. Hutch buried his nose in the curls for a moment, breathing deeply. “God, I love your hair. There’s nothing else like it in the world,” he breathed.

Starsky recognized the next move before it came. Hutch snuggled against him, sliding from his hair to nestle in with his head on Starsky’s shoulder and an arm draped possessively across his middle. He had once told Starsky this position made him feel like he was holding and being held at the same time. The brunette settled himself against the blond head and closed his eyes. They both were asleep almost instantly.

****************************

Since the very first time they were lovers, they both had been drawn to each other’s chest. Starsky loved that smooth spans of golden flesh, sleek muscle and the small copper nipples that drew him like a magnet. Hutch loved to trail his fingers, nose, tongue and lips through the softest hair he had ever felt. Loved nosing through the softness to find big soft nipples that leapt onto his tongue. Maybe it was their differences, maybe because it was the source of so much comfort over the years, neither knew. They just were, simply put, obsessed with each other’s chest.

They had shared a bed numerous times before they were lovers. It was no big deal. From the first, they had each claimed “my side” of the universal bed and respected each other’s space. And nobody got bent if in the morning, one had crossed the imaginary line — either for bed space or body contact. They had burst out laughing when one morning’s calm was broken with Starsky announcing, “My partner, the starfish!”

Falling asleep wrapped around each other, Hutch found themselves in the same position when he woke. That was always a sign that they had been through, or were still dealing with, something heavy. Protecting each other even in sleep, even when safe.

Hutch knew it wouldn’t last so he enjoyed it while he could. The smell of Starsky was his balm and he drank it in. After last night’s question, he was determined to savor every moment for he was a more than a little afraid that he wouldn’t be able to answer the question, to give Starsky what he needed. He honestly didn’t know what he needed or how to tell him the truth that was left unsaid.

How do you tell the man that built his whole life on being a cop that you don’t want him to be one anymore? Since before his dad died, being a cop was all Starsky ever wanted to do. Getting back on the streets with Hutch was the sole motivation in his recovery. It’s what he knew, what he was good at and what he wanted. I’m paralyzing him and me with this, Hutch knew. I want to keep him safe and whole and protected like a fine piece of china.

But he knew that would be what would drive Starsky away, would break his heart, his spirit. He wasn’t that kind of man. Being a cop was such a big part of his identity he could never accept anything less. Hutch was afraid for his partner’s mental state when at first the doctors had told him that returning to active duty may not be possible. But Starsky had seen it only as a challenge and proved them wrong. For Hutch to tell him that he didn’t want Starsky to be a cop would be a rejection of Starsky as a person. The two were one. To reject the cop was to reject the man.

He had tried to fight the notion, to push it down into his gut and ignore it. But while the truth itself was still unsaid, the impact of Hutch’s wish had been felt almost immediately. He had tried, subtly he thought, to keep Starsky safer if that were possible. So much so that his partner had snapped “don’t nursemaid me Hutch” at least once a day for the first week. So he had backed off.

And the resulting terror of seeing him hurt again had done anything but bring them together. After all that time together during recovery, Hutch tried to tell himself it was natural for Starsky to want to have some freedom. But afraid of revealing too much, Hutch became withdrawn and snappish himself.

So after all their work to get back, the team of partners was so far out of sync that even Dobey noticed. So they each tried hard to be more like before, while hiding what they were feeling. Starsky was confused, pissed off and almost physically throwing himself into the job. Hutch was depressed, petrified and waiting for Starsky to dump him. Their sex life was in shambles. They had spent more nights apart than together, and those together never passed without an argument.

So frustrated, scared and feeling as if he was holding his remarkable partner back from the life he fought so hard for, Hutch decided he had to push Starsky so far that the dark-haired man would end their relationship. Starsky would never understand if Hutch broke up the relationship. He would never stop trying to get them back together. So after they received that memo, Hutch knew it was the perfect set up to free his partner. Hutch knew Starsky would be crushed, but he would go on, he would be a cop, he would live the life they both fought so hard for — only without his blond.

All of this ran through his head, over and over, while he lay in bed holding his partner tightly. He nuzzled the beloved chest, drinking in the feelings. He closed his eyes and tried to save all the sensations in his brain and his heart.

*********************

Starsky knew Hutch was awake but left him alone to think. Holding Hutch was always a favorite position and he wanted to give Hutch time to think about the question he asked last night and a safe place to do so. He didn’t understand how they could get to a point where Hutch would say all the cruel barbs he had thrown out that night. Telling him that he wasn’t brave enough to fight for their relationship outside, in the real world.

It had all started with a memo they had received. The department was officially accepting gays on the force and in the academy. They knew of course, that the memo didn’t give them anything, that should they come out, they would still be in danger of retribution. They both knew that. So how did the argument spiral into Hutch questioning his commitment? To his pronouncement that obviously Starsky loved his job more than he loved his male lover. God, was it only two days ago? How the fuck did we get to that?

Starsky had been so full of life and so ready to live it when he had been cleared for duty. He felt great, better than he had in years. His relationship with Hutch had deepened into everything he’d ever wanted — someone who loved him unconditionally with all of their heart and soul. They had just recently resumed an active sex life, more than cuddling and petting. The first time he had brought Hutch to orgasm after the shooting he wanted to shout it from the roof himself. He came just from watching Hutch let go and experience all that pleasure again. He had tested his partner’s virility that day, bringing Hutch to two more orgasms before settling in for shared nap in each other’s arms.

And then seemingly overnight, the world unraveled. Hutch tried to babysit him and snapped back when Starsky asked him to back off. Hutch went from being clingy to standoffish to nasty so quickly Starsky couldn’t keep up. He’d taken to escaping by driving the Torino far and fast, leaving Hutch home to fret. When Dobey called them in his office to chew them up for their “unprofessional” behavior, they had tried but quickly realized neither knew what to do or what to expect from the other anymore.

Starsky had missed the sex, but even more he missed Hutch himself. Being held in the strong arms, being petted and stroked and loved sure, but he missed the Captain Crunch versus wheat germ debate, picking up the blonde’s laundry from everywhere in the apartment, leaning back into an embrace that worshiped what they were together. Spending more and more nights alone didn’t help either of them but all they did was argue when they stayed at the same place, making the next day at work even more difficult.

Then Hutch had gotten quiet and even more withdrawn. For several days, Starsky thought Hutch had reached some point that they were going to talk about. And then that night, Hutch invited him upstairs. So of course he went. The door had barely closed before Hutch had turned the place into a deep freeze with a caustic “let’s chat buddy boy.”

Every alarm bell went off in Starsky’s head. This was going to be bad, very, very bad. Hutch had pounded on the memo and took off at rocket speed. “Now that we really can be together, there’s no thrill left in it for you, right? Now that we can be a couple, your blond blintz doesn’t quite match up to the many lovely ladies you’ve paraded around for everyone to see, hmm? God forbid someone find out what you’ve “settled” for. Poor Dave Starsky survived Gunther’s hit but lost his sex appeal so that only his divorced, hypocritical wasp of a partner will throw him a bone, or a boner, now and then.

Stunned, he had no idea how long he had stood stock still, mind reeling. He had tried everything from placating Hutch’s ranting to standing toe to toe with him and screaming into his face what a crock of shit he was hurling and what was really wrong? “Why won’t you tell me what’s really eating at you, partner? Why can’t we talk about this? I’ve seen you treat perps better than this! What the hell is going on! I love you isn’t enough anymore?” It had spewed out of his mouth just as angrily and as nasty as it had out of Hutch’s. Finally, hoarse, exhausted and thoroughly confused, he’d dropped on the couch with his head in his hands. Every time he had tried to touch Hutch, the blond hadn’t let him, walking past him, changing position, even batting his hand away. So he sat down alone, staring at the stranger who had been his one focus in life.

How did it all go so wrong Hutch? We were so happy, had our whole lives ahead of us. Loving you was the only way I lived, only reason I wanted to live after Gunther. I won’t let us end without the biggest god damn fight this side of heaven’s ever seen. We rebuilt ourselves after Gunther, rebuilt our lives together. Why can’t you tell me what’s wrong?

The grip around his middle tightened slightly. He wanted to pull Hutch’s face to his and kiss him senseless. To drown him in love and kisses. He’d done it on occasion and his soft-hearted partner always melted in his arms. But that much kissing would lead them to what they had set aside for now. So he returned the squeeze and rubbed the blonde’s back. “I’d like to wash your back” he whispered.

The grip tightened again. “Been awake long?”

Used to be you knew the exact moment I woke up he thought sadly. “Not long.”

“If you wash my back, I’m going to want to wash yours, then your front and I know I’ll break the rule already,” Hutch replied. He kissed Starsky’s chin. “I’ll definitely take a rain check” he said as he slipped out of bed and padded to the bathroom.

****************

They had four more days of Maui beaches and Hawaiian waters before Starsky decided it was time for the next step.

They hadn’t discussed “the” question from the first night. They both focused on relaxing and just enjoying being together again. The casual glances, the soft touches that had always been a part of them but had disappeared the last few weeks returned. They both slept a lot, and it surprised them how much they did sleep. Starsky’s watch alarm got a daily workout as they spent the afternoons in the sun. Each night after a nice dinner, they crawled into the same bed and into each other’s arms. Each morning, they woke up in the same positions they fell asleep, always still holding each other.

They had started ordering room service and eating brunch on their terrace rather than the dining room. It’s so healing, Starsky thought. We can just be us. We don’t have to pretend to talk. We can just be and nobody looks at us strangely. But we’re good — well, getting better maybe. Time to move forward — I hope.

“Hutch?”

His partner looked away from the surf. “Hmm?”

“I need to tell you something.”

“Okay.”

“I’m gonna tell you, well, let me get it all out before you react, ok? I’ll say my piece and then I’m gonna go lay on the beach in our spot. You join me when you’re ready, ok?”

“Why do I think I won’t like this?”

“Because you’re smart and you won’t.” Starsky got up from his chair on the terrace and walked through the open doorwall into their room. “I asked you what it would take for you to be able to tell me what’s wrong. I don’t want that answer yet.”

Hutch watched him, silently with a little sad smile.

“I want to tell you what I’ve been keeping to myself. I didn’t want to hurt you before, we were so unsure of each other all of a sudden. But it’s got to come out so here goes.”

Starsky looked out at the water, his voice soft. “I was so happy when I passed my last fit for duty review. I felt like I could have thrown you over my shoulder, carry you to bed and we’d fuck for days and days and days!”

A tear formed in each light blue eye but remained unshed.

“We had everything we’d worked so hard for. I couldn’t believe it actually came true. It was like living a dream. I realize now that I was pretty selfish. I just assumed we wanted the same things. We always did — why should it be any different just when we grabbed the brass ring?”

Starsky grabbed the terrace railing, still staring at the water. “But thinking back and being totally honest with myself between naps these last few days, I realized that I was selfish.” He turned around fast, surprising Hutch.

“You weren’t as happy as I was. You had something else workin’ in that brain and didn’t want to ruin my mood. And I didn’t see it. And I feel awful about that.”

“I was happy too Starsk,” Hutch started.

“Maybe, but there was something a lot bigger than that sittin’ on your chest and everyday it grew.”

“No.”

“Yes, and I told you to let me have my say first.”

“Okay.”

“Hutch, you know how much pride I take in knowin’ how you think. Maybe this whole thing got so bad so fast because I wouldn’t admit to myself that I wasn’t makin’ you happy any more. We were going through the motions because we’d be a couple of ungrateful idiots to be doin’ anything else. We still loved, still love, each other with everything we have. I know that.” He leaned down and placed a quick, soft kiss on his partner’s lips.

He knelt down in front of Hutch’s chair, taking his hand. “Oh babe, I love you more than life itself — and I really know what that means. That’s not what I was showing you tho’. Hutch, I would do anything, any — thing for us.” He swallowed. “So here I go. Question 1 was what will it take for you to be able to tell me what’s wrong? Question 2 is what will it take for you to believe that I love you that much?” He ran a finger down Hutch’s nose to touch his lips, then leaned in and kissed him, full and long on the mouth, slipping his tongue inside for a long, delicious stroke. “Think about that one. I’ll be down on the beach.”

********************

Think about that one? Hutch thought. How am I supposed to think about anything except that incredible kiss you just laid on me? Why did you have to stop?

He had just sat there while Starsky had confessed his guilt over their situation. What’s he doing? Doesn’t he know by now that no matter what, my guilt is enough for both of us?

He got up from his chair and looked at the beach. Starsky was just settling into what they’d adopted as “their” chaises. The hotel’s beach waiter knew them now, even though for the most part, they drank only ice tea or lemonade during the day.

He loves me that much? Hutch was sure Starsky had never included “stop being a cop” into the list of the anythings he would do for them. That’s like taking himself out of the equation. Removing …

All at once, it hit him. I was trying to solve our problem the same way — by removing myself from the equation. Ok, it was more drastic than changing professions, but essentially Hutch had taken the same step.

He walked to the edge and leaned against the terrace railing, watching Starsky put sun tan lotion on his chest and legs. How incredibly fucked up can this get? He wondered. I want him so badly I could do it right there on the beach given the chance. I want him to be happy so much that I was willing to walk into the sunset alone for him. My brain’s trapped in some sort of gothic novel. Why don’t I just fling myself over the rail? That’d be fitting.

Hutch ran the question over in his mind again. What will it take to let me believe he loves me that much?

Suddenly, he had the answer. It hurt physically, like those plague germs that had twisted his guts, only worse. He had to figure out a way to make it happen, to make Starsky’s pain go away.

His decision washed over him and he lay down on the bed they had shared last night. Pulling Starsky’s pillow to him, he curled around it and thought about how to make it happen.

*********************

He felt Hutch come up beside him as the watch alarm went off. Hutch reached down and snagged the lotion, rolling Starsky onto his stomach and began the daily task, loving the feel of his love’s muscle tone and soft skin under his hands.

Starsky wasn’t sure when to expect Hutch. He’d ordered a lemonade for him, which was only slightly cool by now.

“You been up there thinkin’?”

“Yeah,” Hutch murmured.

“You wanna talk about it?”

“No, not really. Not right now. Let’s just be a while, okay?”

So they laid there on the beach just like the last five days, except Hutch was planning his next move while Starsky slept. He had written it down and slipped the paper into his suitcase before coming down to the beach.

*****************

Instead of leaving for dinner like they had been doing when the sun started to wind the day down. Starsky had stayed on the chaise, and so then did Hutch. The beach was deserted and the sun was just beginning to set when Starsky stood up and pulled Hutch to his feet.”

“Come on.”

“I’m not really hungry for dinner right now, Starsk.”

“Me neither. Come here,” he said finally pulling his partner from his seat and into his arms. They walked arms around each other to the water’s edge and then started walking along it. After they had walked a bit, then turned around to head back to pick up their stuff on the beach, Starsky stopped them so they were facing each other.

“Hutch, isn’t there anything you want to ask me?”

Tears sprang to the blonde’s eyes and he bowed his head, shaking it. “No.”

“Hutch, what is it? Is it because of what I asked you this morning?”

“Sort of. Really more because of the answers to the two questions together.”

“Will you tell me those answers?”

“Again, the downcast head shook no. “Not yet.”

Starsky moved in closer, slipping his hands into his love’s hair and pulling him close for a kiss. “Hutch, I was wrong about the two weeks with no sex. We always say so much without words and I feel like I’m not saying all I can unless I touch you. I want to make love to you.”

The head popped up. “Please?” Hutch pulled them down to the sand, grabbing their towels on the way. He spread one out and lay back against it. “Starsk. Please. I need you so much.”

Kneeling, Starsky looked into the light blue eyes and saw the love and the desire. He stood up quickly to adjust the cabanas over the towels to give them a bit of coverage. Finished, he slipped into Hutch’s arms and took his mouth hungrily.

Hutch was ferocious in his reply, so Starsky let him lead.

Hutch knew they wouldn’t have much more time together and he wasn’t letting go until sheer physical exhaustion stopped them. He drove himself deeper into the hot wet mouth and pulled Starsky down on top of himself, then slipped his hands inside Starsky’s shorts to caress the wonderful tush. Rubbing his hands all over that butt literally brought tears to his eyes. Suddenly, the brunette pulled back.

“Hutch? Babe? What is it? Tell me?”

“I just … love you … so much,” Hutch panted. Then he reached for the hem of Starsky’s shirt and pulled it over his head, attacking the beloved chest as soon as it was free.

He literally pounced, rolling them over and sucking skin and hair into his mouth and loving the man beneath him. He was gentle, then aggressive in his tasting of his lover’s body. Hutch knew what he wanted and meant to have it now. This is going to be my last meal and I want the caviar he thought.

Hutch pulled Starsky’s shorts off, slipped his hand between the furred legs, stroking Starsky’s balls.

“Oh God, yes Hutch. Yes!”

Hutch’s nose replaced his hand as he nuzzled the soft sac then nosed it out of the way. His hands spread Starsky’s thighs as far as they would go and his tongue drove for his lover’s center.

“Oh, oh, oh … Hutch! What … ? Ohhhh …” Starsky’s voice dissolved into soft moans and disbelieving gasps as he was devoured like never before. Hutch was everywhere yet never left the tender entrance to his lover’s body. His tongue, his teeth, his lips all assaulted the tight ring, sucking, stroking, nipping with an almost brutal touch.

Starsky was beyond words. Hutch hadn’t really ever been shy in bed, but this was a Hutch that Starsky didn’t recognize. The need, the desire coming off the blond was like nothing Starsky had experienced before — with Hutch or with anyone. Hutch sucked and tasted and played like he would never be allowed this ever again. Starsky bucked repeatedly as the loving continued.

When Hutch felt the furry balls tighten up, he slipped a hand around his lover’s cock and clamped down hard. “Not yet!” he declared as he squeezed and trapped Starsky’s orgasm in his cock. Starsky bucked again and cried out. “Huuuutttcchhh! Oh please babe … pleeeasee! Make me come love!”

Hutch slipped his thumb into Starsky’s center while he dragged his lips across cock, belly, chest and up into his lover’s mouth. His tongue drove deep, his mouth punishing on the lips he loved. Hutch’s thumb massaged the sides of Starsky entrance, sending nerves screaming. His other hand stroked the sensitive spot behind the cock head. Starsky was literally bucking between the two sensations. Then Hutch’s mouth was everywhere, licking a spot behind Starsky’s ear, biting at the tender neck, bending to suck a nipple to hardness, then biting it with his teeth over and over.

It was too much. Starsky thought Hutch would leave nothing of him left on the beach. He’d never seen Hutch like this and was a little afraid that something had snapped in his lover. That thought flashed through his mind and was gone however, as soon as Hutch replaced his thumb with his long middle finger and gave a long stroke to Starsky’s prostate once, twice, then back and forth.

“Oh, oh, ohhh,” moaned Starsky. It couldn’t be believed — a stroke sending his insides screaming forward then a firm grip tightening, sending feelings down his cock and somewhere in between, his nipples were being loved then tortured. Kissed then bit, then laved apologetically. A lick along his navel, a mouth sucking on his tender neck. Starsky was shaking all over, passion pouring out along with his breath and the fine sweat all over his body. Hutch was possessed, driving, relentless and all Starsky could do was feel his lover’s passion everywhere.

“Huuuutch! Baby … please… let me … let me love you too.” It was as if a switch was thrown and Hutch found an even higher speed. Too far gone to be able to figure out how, Starsky saw the edge as Hutch loved him harder and faster still.

“Aaaahhhhhh!” Starsky exploded and Hutch let him. He continued to milk the fountaining cock and stroke the nub inside while alternating bites and licks on the hard nipples. Then he bent to drink in his lover’s completion, swallowing Starsky. The dark man spasmed again, over and over. “Babe … ahh … uhh …” Starsky trailed off, still vibrating with orgasmic aftershocks as Hutch withdrew his fingers, then stoked his hair and pulled him tight against the blonde’s also shaking body.

No one could love this man the way he could. No one! Hutch was shaking from the sheer passion and physical effort spent in whipping Starsky into a sexual frenzy. He had never been this alive, this excited — at least never been able to physically show it before. It takes me saying goodbye to be this good for him? thought Hutch. That’s pathetic.

Starsky was still panting, weakly clutching at Hutch. Hutch smoothed his hair and softly kissed his lover’s head. “Oh … my … god … babe … I … ” Starsky couldn’t even put a sentence together yet. Hutch sat there holding him, savoring, storing up the feelings that would have to last the rest of his life.

They sat there together on the beach for a few more minutes, then Hutch helped Starsky to his feet and picked up their stuff. “Can you make it to the room?” he asked. Starsky swayed for a minute, then slipped his hand around Hutch’s neck, pulling him close and kissing him. “That … that … my god … where did you learn …?”

Hutch smiled at him. “I was shooting for “the best ever’.”

“And then some … man, Hutch. I’m in love with a bigger sex god than I thought. Give me a nap and dinner and I’ll take you to the moon tonight.”

“Hmmm, sounds wonderful. Come on, let’s go get cleaned up and go eat. I’m suddenly hungry.”

As they walked up the beach, Hutch tried to imprint the scene on his brain and his heart. Years from now, he wanted these feelings to be just as strong, just as good. He was answering both of Starsky’s questions tonight, although the answers wouldn’t be anything that his partner could have anticipated.

**********************

They decided on a little Italian place and shared two dinners of linguini and tortellini. Some red wine and two cannoli later, they were walking back to their hotel. Starsky had been blown away that afternoon and was firmly convinced they could have the “happily ever after” they were working so hard for. Hutch had two more items on tonight’s agenda and saw both happening soon.

Once in the room, Starsky turned to his partner and pulled his shirt out of his pants, unbuttoning and following each button with a kiss down the smooth chest. Hutch let him, pulling them down to the bed after Starsky got rid of both shirts. Hutch lay on the bed with his arms under Starsky’s and circling his shoulders. He held the man tight, loving the strength he felt in every muscle.

Starsky reached between them and unbuttoned Hutch’s pants, sliding them and the briefs off quickly. “Ah babe, you’re so beautiful, sometimes I can’t believe it’s me here with you.”

“Love me, David. I want to feel you inside me — now!” Hutch pulled at his partner’s pants, and Starsky slipped out of them. He laid his naked body over his lover’s and they rubbed together, both of them quickly rock hard. “Where’s the lube?” Hutch whispered.

“Don’t need it tonight babe,” Starsky purred. “I’m gonna get you ready au natural — as long as I don’t get performance anxiety after your treatment this afternoon.” He kissed down Hutch’s torso, running his tongue just once up his lover’s cock. Hutch relaxed, pulling his legs open for his lover.

“Oh GOD!” From the first touch, it electrified Hutch’s body. Starsky tried to remember everything Hutch had done to him on the beach and pay it back tenfold as he lay between his lover’s legs. Hutch’s legs were so long and so golden. Starsky loved it when Hutch would wrap him in those legs.

Hutch was arching, calling for Starsky to take him when the dark haired man got to his knees and pulled Hutch’s flanks onto his thighs, aligning himself. He drooled on Hutch’s center, then pierced it in one stroke.

“GOD!” Hutch’s torso came off the bed as he rocked with his lover’s thrusts. He grabbed Starsky’s arms, slid his hands down to the elbows, then grabbed the furry nipples, Starsky crying out with the sensations.

“Ohhh, owwww, ooh god, even that’s good!” Starsky exclaimed. His nipples were tender from this afternoon’s romp yet rose immediately for Hutch’s attention. Pleasure and pain were mixed, heightening the sensations. “Oh god, Hutch! I don’t wanna come yet!” he cried, yet still pumping furiously.

“Give it to me beautiful man. Give it to me now!” Hutch’s voice was low, sensual and throaty. “Give it to me!”

“God, how I love you!” Starsky whispered, then drove himself a final time into his lover, coming hard and fast. He shook them both with the force of his orgasm.

They had laid there for just a few moments when Hutch pulled off of Starsky’s cock and rolled his lover over onto his stomach. Reaching down to dip his fingers in the come still surrounding his anus, he spread it on his cock then buried himself in his partner in one thrust.

Starsky was undone. He’d had the orgasm of orgasms this afternoon, followed by a very close second just a few minutes ago. And now, his insatiable partner was fucking him senseless.

Senseless was a good choice of words Starsky barely had time to think. Hutch was fucking with long, strong, forceful thrusts, pulling almost all the way out and then pushing back in so far it was moving Starsky across the bed. A series of short, quick thrusts was followed by stillness, then long, hard and fast strokes as Hutch came, roaring into Starsky’s shoulder, his hands clenching onto Starsky’s upper arms. Starsky knew he’d have bruises in the morning.

Hutch held him in his arms until the blonde’s cock softened and slipped from the dark body. Hutch went into the bathroom and brought out a warm washcloth and cleaned them both. He climbed into bed and Starsky crawled into his arms.

“Love you so much babe,” Starsky snuggled in close.

“Never doubt how much I love you David. It’s more than anyone or anything could ever measure,” Hutch whispered back.

Later, once he felt Starsky slip into a deep sleep, Hutch got up from the bed. He grabbed the still damp cloth and gave himself a quick once over. Dressing quickly, he picked up the bag he had packed while Starsky had showered that afternoon, then pulled an envelope from the bag’s outer pocket. Leaning it against the bathroom mirror, he turned to look at his love one last time.

Before the tears could come, he was gone.

************************

Starsky drifted toward wakefulness, groping for his lover. When he couldn’t find anything except cold pillows, he opened his eyes and looked at the empty room.

“Hutch?” he called. He didn’t hear the shower or any noises from the bathroom at all. Looking over at the terrace, the doorwall was still open from the night before.

Maybe he went downstairs for something Starsky thought. Wonder if he’s walking as stiffly as I am this morning? Their loving had been tremendous, with even more passion and intensity than their first encounters. He thought today would be the day questions got answered and they fixed the last tear in their relationship.

Getting out of bed, he slipped on his pants from last night and opened the door. Their brunch was on the cart, as it had been all week. He pulled it inside, starved. He started in on a croissant while pouring coffee for himself. He picked up the cup and went to sit on the terrace, waiting for his love so they could eat together.

His mind rolled back over yesterday’s events. The distant, sad Hutch had vanished, leaving a loving, sexy man who couldn’t keep his hands or his mouth off Starsky. His morning erection flared further just remembering. God, Hutch had given him everything yesterday — and then some.

Ten minutes later and no Hutch, he began to wonder. He headed to the phone to call down and see if he was in the lobby when he saw the envelope in front of the mirror.

“God, no. Please, no.” Somehow, he knew it wasn’t a note telling him Hutch was waiting downstairs for him.

Tearing the envelope, he walked back to the terrace, sitting down to read the letter.

My dearest David,

Yesterday ranks up there with the best days in my life — the day we met, the day we first kissed and the day we first made love. Remember what I told you last night — there’s nothing that could ever measure how much I love you. That will never change.

I did what you asked. I thought all week about the two questions you asked me. And yesterday, before I came down to the beach and we made love, I found the answers to both. I couldn’t tell you then, but I can now. I’m taking the coward’s way, but I am at least answering the questions.

Question 1: What will it take for me to be able to tell you what’s wrong?

Answer 1: It doesn’t matter because it doesn’t exist. There will never be anything to make what I have to tell you easy or simple. I don’t even think I can fully explain it.

Question 2: What will it take for me to believe that you love me without limits?

Answer 2: For you to let me take away what hurts you most, babe. Me.

Starsky brushed his hand across his eyes, terrified to read further but he did.

You keep asking me what’s wrong? So, here it is. I can’t watch you be a cop anymore. I’ve thought about a thousand different ways of saying it, but none of them are easy. Being a cop is everything to you — it’s what you live for, literally. It’s a huge part of who you are even though I know there’s more than that to you. But how can I tell the man I love that I’m such a fucking pansy, that terror literally freezes my guts every time we roll out as Zebra Three?

It starts an awful cycle that we’ve played out for weeks. I get moody, you try and snap me out of it and I get worse. You’re being you but I can’t be me because I love you so much all I want to do is keep you safe beside me, preferably in a land where no one knows us and no one wants to find us. And that’s not you.

It’s the paradox that has made life a living hell. There is no answer. So that’s where my answer to question number two comes in. You can show me how much you love me by letting me go. I can’t and won’t make you choose between me and the force. There is no choice. You’d take me and then be miserable. We didn’t bust our asses for a year in rehab for you to be miserable. I can’t do that to you or us.

I know how badly I’ve hurt you, and how much this will hurt for a long time. Believe me, I’m living with it too, but it’s the only way. I wish there was another but there isn’t. I’ve thought about this a lot, almost non-stop since you went back on the streets.

When you think of me, think of me somewhere quiet where I can live out the rest of my life loving you and remembering us. You gave me all of yourself Starsk, and so now I’m giving you your life back. My last gift to the man who means everything to me. Be the best cop in the city, the state, the country. Whatever you want, you’ll get it and someday I’ll see your promotion to captain written up in the paper. Find a nice girl and have a couple curly headed kids. It might not be our love, but it can still be good.

I’ve paid the hotel bill for as long as you want to stay. When you get home, get whatever you want from my place, then sell the rest. Except for my guitar — please give that to Kiko and tell him I truly love him and Molly and wish I could see them again. But I won’t.

Don’t call my folks. I haven’t and won’t for some time. if I ever do. They don’t really care what happens to either of us anyway, so save yourself the aggravation. I’ve written a letter to your mom, apologizing for what I’ve done to you. I won’t mail it for a month, so you don’t have to deal with that right away. Don’t worry about my loose ends. They’ll take care of themselves eventually.

God, how much I love you. Such a treasure I found in you. I’m sorry doesn’t cover it. Thank god you are who you are — I will curl up with our memories every night for the rest of my life. Darling David, please forgive me some day. I just love you too much to strangle you any longer.

All the love in the moon and the stars — and then some,

Hutch

He was shaking so hard, he had to read the awful words three times to get them all straight. When he did, he walked to their bed and curled into a ball on top of the sheets. Burying his face in Hutch’s pillow, he wept until he had no strength. Then he just lay there.

************************

Not really having any place to go, Hutch had spent the rest of the night in a coffee house across the street from the hotel. He bought the latest best seller but couldn’t remember a word he read. He really didn’t know what to do next. Once it was business hours LA time, he figured he’d call his accountant and arrange to get some money transferred and make a couple things more liquid.

He sat in the window seat, hoping to see Starsky leave. He figured his partner would be out as fast as he could go, searching for him. Hiding in plain sight he thought. Maybe I could make a career out of following him instead of the other way around. Pathetic Hutchinson, just pathetic.

He really did want Starsky to find someone else someday. Even if it was just a nice someone, it would give the man an outlet for all the emotion and passion that amazing body held. While it broke his heart and spirit even further, Hutch acknowledged that Starsky may actually fall in love again.

He looked up as the door to the coffee shop opened with their beach waiter who walked to the counter and sat down. “Hey Sally, Connie in yet?” he asked the waitress.

A vivacious young woman came in from the kitchen. “Yes, I’m here but why are you here so early, hon?” She placed a quick kiss on the young man’s lips.

“Had to see you before I went on shift. Can’t help it. Need to get my dose of Connie every morning,” he smiled.

“And I need my dose of Rick!” she echoed.

Hutch turned away and tried to return to his book. A few minutes later, Connie came over to refill his cup and Rick’s eyes followed her.

Hutch looked up and their eyes met.

“Hey, morning Hutch. Don’t you like the coffee at the hotel or are you just waiting for me to go on duty?” Rick joked.

“That’s it. You caught me,” Hutch replied half heartedly.

“Can I help you with something, man. You look really down for someone so in love.” Rick said as he slipped into Hutch’s booth.

“No, thanks though.”

Rick noticed the man’s fixation on the door of the hotel. “You waiting for Dave to come over?”

“No, he won’t be. I was just hoping to see him leave,” Hutch trailed off.

“Ok, well, you know where I’m at if I can help with something,” Rick offered his hand as he left the booth.

“Thanks, that’s really above and beyond the call of a waiter,” Hutch said shaking his hand.

“But not for a fellow fool in love!” Rick smiled and left the coffee shop.

******************

Starsky lost track of time. Housekeeping had come three times, each time entering the room then leaving when they saw him there.

He hadn’t moved since he had run out of tears. He heard the sounds of the day — the sound of the housekeeping carts down the hall, the sound of the kids at the pool, the sea gulls crying on the beach. He had no desire to do anything. Without Hutch, it was meaningless.

How could he think I could live without him? It tore at him. Didn’t I show him how much he means to me? He says being a cop is what I live for — only because that’s what I thought we both wanted. Did he think we’d be young forever? I knew the day was coming when we’d get off the street. If he wanted that a little early, I could have done it. I could have done anything to avoid feeling like this.

The sun was setting outside when Starsky shifted position, still buried in Hutch’s pillow. He didn’t see any reason to do anything else.

***************************

After checking into a small motel down the street, Hutch found himself back at the coffee shop, keeping watch. The longest stakeout of my life he thought.

He’d made a couple calls, bought another book, tried to eat some soup and Connie gave him a chocolate malted which he drank a little of. He had called the hotel and Starsky hadn’t checked out yet. He really wanted just to see him one more time, then he’d leave Maui.

Rick came in for his dose of Connie and patted Hutch on the shoulder, again with an offer of help. Hutch smiled and thanked him, returning to the stakeout.

*********************

On the third day, housekeeping’s inability to service the room brought the manager on duty. She knocked and knocked, but Starsky ignored her as he had ignored the phone. Finally, the manager had security open the room.

They found him on the bed, curled around a pillow with the letter in his hand.

“Mr. Starsky, Mr. Starsky?” The security man shook his shoulder. Starsky ignored him. “Come on Mr. Starsky, help me out here.”

They sent for the hotel doctor. He had the same results. Starsky was catatonic, seemingly oblivious to everything around him. When they had tried to take the letter from him, tears had flowed down his face but he never made a sound.

The doctor checked on him twice more before he went home that day. Starsky didn’t move. The doctor left word that if something happened to call him at home. He’d check in again in the morning.

************************

It was day five and Hutch was worried. Starsky hadn’t checked out and Rick said he hadn’t been down to the beach at all.

An ambulance pulled up in front of the hospital as Rick entered the building for his shift. He was back sprinting across the street a moment later.

“Hutch! It’s Dave!” he shouted as he entered the coffee shop.

Hutch was gone in an instant.

*******************************

Hutch heard “respiration slow and uneven, pulse thready,” as he ran up to the gurney that was wheeling Starsky through the lobby.

Security tried to hold him back. “Sir, please. Let them through.”

“That’s my partner. I’m listed as his next of kin,” Hutch said over his shoulder as he approached the gurney. “How is he? What’s wrong?” he asked the EMTs.

“Security said he’s been catatonic for several days. Said when they checked on him today the doctor said he was dehydrated and called us.”

Hutch stroked the dry, sad face. “Starsk? Babe, come on — talk to me, huh?”

“Do you know his medical history? The scars on his chest …” started the lead EMT.

“He was shot four times with an automatic weapon almost 18 months ago. We’re police officers in Bay City, California. Three weeks in a coma, four months in the hospital. A year of rehab and PT but he’s been back on active duty for three months,” Hutch supplied. “Come on David, look at me.” Hutch gripped the lax hand but there was no response.

By then, they were at the door and Starsky was loaded into the ambulance. Hutch climbed in behind, like so many times before he thought.

Just before the doors slammed, Hutch saw Rick. “Thank you!! Rick, thank you!” he shouted.

Rick’s smile was the last thing Hutch saw as the door closed and the unit began to roll.

*********************

Once Starsky disappeared behind the ER doors, Hutch sat down with the admitting nurse arming her with everything she needed to call Memorial Hospital back home and get Starsky’s doctor and records.

That taken care of, Hutch went to a pay phone and pumped change in to call the familiar number.

“The Pits. Proprietor extra-ordinare Huggy Bear here.”

“Hug, it’s Hutch.”

“Hey my man, how’s Maui? Starsky behaving himself?”

“One hospital looks pretty much like the next, Hug.”

“What the hell are you guys into now?”

“Nothing. Nothing. I don’t know why he’s … Hug… I broke up with him.”

Silence on the other end of the line. Then a quiet, “Go on.”

“It’s complicated but I did it for his own good. Told him I wouldn’t bring him down … I love him too much for that …”

“What the hell are you saying, man? His own good?! What’s he in there with — a self-inflicted gunshot wound?!”

“No, he’s catatonic. They don’t know what’s wrong.”

“Man, you two may be fabulous cops but are stupid lovers. You broke up with him, therefore he has no reason to do anything. Anything Hutch. Like breathe.”

“Huggy, you don’t understand. I was just …”

“It don’t matter what you were just anything! How can you not know that his life is tied to yours? Go back in your thick head and think about what you felt when he was shot, while he was in the coma. Then add everything you’ve been through since then and then rip it all away. He’s cat-a-tonic? Sure, because everything in his body just stopped when he knew you left him. I oughta get on a plane and kick your ass from there all the way home! God, Hutch! I know we go back a long way and that’s why I can say this. You’re an asshole! A complete ass! How could you hurt him like that?!”

Tears ran down Hutch’s face while he listened. “Huggy, I was killing him. Protecting him. Strangling him! I know this hurts, God how I know. I can’t watch him die! By my hands holding him back or by some scum out on our beat! Some damn assassin who’s been just waiting to take him out! I’m supposed to make love with him in the morning and then roll out and hold him dying in my arms that afternoon?!”

“Hutch, this ain’t no surprise. Starsky wouldn’t have gotten back to active duty status without you.”

“I know. It’s what made him get outta that bed at all. I thought I could handle it. Being a cop is all he is. How can I ask him to give up himself because I’m a fucking wuss? I had to leave him so he could live his life, the life we worked for.”

“The life he worked for was as your partner and I don’t mean on the streets. Have you no idea what you sound like? God, I’m gonna find a cousin of mine out there to get the entire University football team to personally KICK YOUR ASS!”

“Tell me what to do, Hug. Please,” Hutch whispered into the phone, tears flowing. “No matter what I do, I hurt him!”

“How ’bout this for a change?! TRUST HIM!”

“What do you mean? I’ve always trusted him, since the day we met.”

“Obviously not if you’re hiding things from him. Like how you feel. Like how you’re afraid for him. Like how that fear is ripping your lives apart!”

“I … ”

“You do whatever you have to and get through to him. Then before you get all noble again and ride off into the sunset, TALK to him, and LISTEN to what and how he says! It ain’t any simpler than that.”

Head hanging, Hutch nodded, banging his chin against his chest. “Kay, yes. I love him so much. He deserves so much better …”

“Yeah, but he wants you.” Huggy’s tone was softer. “Hutch, there ain’t nothing you two can’t fix when you’re together. Let yourselves be together. Things will work out from there.”

“Kay, kay. I gotta go see if they’ll let me see him yet.”

“Call me later man. I promise I won’t be so hard on you next time.” Hutch could hear the smile and the apology in his friend’s voice.

“Thanks, Hug. Really. Guess Starsk told you to kick my butt when he’s not around, huh?”

“Just one of my many services, my man. Hutch?”

“Yeah?”

“Love you both man. Tell him for me,” and the Bear was gone.

*******************

Hutch checked at the desk and they told him Starsky’s doctor was still with him and would find Hutch as soon as he was through. Sitting in the ubiquitous plastic waiting room chairs, he swore he could feel Huggy and Dobey pacing the hallway behind him.

Not that much later, a woman in scrubs and a stethoscope came to the waiting area. “Is someone here for David Starsky?” she asked.

Hutch started to get up, but she motioned for him to sit while she sat beside him.

I’m Dr. Koyna. David’s doing better. We’ve got IV fluids rehydrating him and given him a light tranquilizer to help him sleep.”

“Sleep? I thought he’d been just sleeping, not eating or drinking?”

“Not really, no. True, he didn’t eat or drink, but his body wasn’t at rest. When was the last time you know he slept?”

“Monday night,” said Hutch.

“That would be about right then. I would estimate that he hasn’t slept in four or five days.”

“But how?”

“The mind can be the most powerful organ in the body. Our automatic nervous systems keep us breathing, our hearts beating, etc. but for the most part, he just shut down everything else.” She paused. Slowly and softly, she asked “Do you know what could have made him want to do that?”

Hutch dropped his eyes.

“He was obviously here on vacation, with you right? Did he get some bad news from back home?”

Hutch shook his head. “You’re saying that it was something emotional that caused this?” he softly asked.

“Definitely. Even considering his medical history, he clearly was in remarkably good health before this.”

This time, Hutch’s head nodded. “We’re life partners as well as detective partners. I …” he faltered.

“I can tell you whatever you say is protected by patient privacy, but you know that. Let me ask you this — do you believe it was something that happened while you were here that brought this on?”

“Partially.”

“Would you rather talk with a psychologist? I’ve already ordered that David be evaluated.”

“No, yes. Guess it will end up being both,” Hutch sighed. “Reader’s Digest version is that after working a year to get him back to active duty, I couldn’t handle the fact that he was out there again. That what happened could easily happen again. On top of that, my ‘hiding’ it from him had really begun to tear us apart. We were here to take some time and get ourselves back together. He thought. I figured out that the only way to fix things was to let him live the life he worked so hard for — without me. My fear was destroying us so I decided to play the martyr,” he rose and began to pace. “I wrote him a Dear David letter and left.” He laughed harshly. “Yeah, left. I’ve been sitting in the coffee shop waiting for him to come out of the hotel for five days. Just to see him, once more.”

Dr. Koyna started to ask a question, when Hutch cut her off mumbling and pacing, “I am such a piece of shit. Could I come up with anything worse to do him? Give me a few hours. I’m sure I can find something!”

“So you must be Hutch,” Dr. Koyna probed.

“How’d you know that?”

“The only thing he said the entire time in the examination room was when we took a letter out of his hands. He whispered ‘Hutch’ and then fell back into his state, wherever that is for him.”

“Yep, that’s me. Best friend Hutch,” the Hutchinson sarcasm in full force. “Love of his life Hutch. He deserves so much better. I was trying to give that to him and he’s too stubborn to take it!” He threw a magazine against the wall hard enough to separate cover from pages. He turned back to the doctor. “So what’s next? How is he? Should I see him? What do I do?”

Dr. Koyna rose and guided Hutch to a chair. “Ok, this is going to be a combination of ER doctor and hopeless romantic. So the medical advice is objective. The rest you do what you want with.” When he nodded, she continued. “Like I said, he’s doing quite well, physically. We’re rehydrating him and that will take a couple days to fully complete. We’re also going to keep him lightly sedated so he’ll sleep 23½ hours a day for a few days. After that, we’ll start getting him to eat but the rest of his recovery will depend upon his emotional state of mind.”

Hutch looked at her and said “This is where the hopeless romantic part comes in?”

“Hmm, sort of. I’ve already made arrangements for David to be psychologically evaluated. Our therapist will contact his therapist from back home to get the lay of David’s land, so to speak.”

“But he hasn’t seen her in a couple months,” Hutch stated.

“Still, it’s a starting point. Then I believe she will want the two of you together to do some couples counseling. Here’s the romantic part. It’s so obvious that you both love each other deeply, deep enough to put two healthy men into physical difficulty. When’s the last time you ate something, Hutch?”

“I’ve eaten.”

“Not lately and not a lot. And that’s medical,” she patted his shoulder. “You two just need some help communicating. Whether you stay together is a decision you’ll both have to make, but make it under informed circumstances.”

*******************

So it’s come to this, thought Hutch. We used to say so much with a word or two, or even none. How did we let his happen?”

A nurse had come to tell him what room Starsky had been moved to and his thoughts were everywhere as he walked down the hall to room 412.

As Dr. Koyna told him, Starsky was asleep when he slipped into the room. He looked terribly pale but was sleeping peacefully. As Hutch sat in the chair next to the bed, he looked outside to see palm trees waving in the breeze. “So you just had to check out Hawaiian hospitals too, eh babe?” he said as he leaned forward to rest his chin on the bedrail. He brushed a curl back behind an ear and leaned back into the chair.

A while later, a woman in a lab coat and blue jeans entered the room. “Mr. Hutchinson, I presume,” she said to Hutch, opening Starsky’s chart. “I’m Dr. Murray and I’m the psychologist assigned to David’s case.” She offered her hand, shook Hutch’s then motioned him to step outside the room.

“Dr. Koyna gave me the basics and I’ve read his chart. Let’s talk in the waiting room across the hall,” she said and headed for the door.

Settled on the couch, she turned sideways to slip a bended knee under her other leg. “I won’t be able to talk to David for a couple days, but I’d like to see what I can do for you, Mr. Hutchinson.”

“Hutch, please. I don’t know what you could do for me doc. I only want Starsk to be better, to not hurt so much.”

“Do you feel like you can tell me what you believe has gotten David to this point? I’m a really good listener. Sort of a job requirement,” she smiled.

So Hutch talked about the shooting, Starsky’s recovery and their subsequent tension.

“How long have you been romantically involved?” she asked.

“I think we always loved each other. It was only after the dust settled from Kira that we realized we wanted each other physically, intimately …”

“Kira?”

So Hutch told her of his betrayal and how they got to Starsky forgiving him. When he took a breath at the end of that part of their lives, he looked at the clock on the wall and realized they’d been talking for over two hours.

Dr. Murray noticed too. “Hutch, it seems like you both need someone to talk to lately, and that used to be each other. Am I right?”

Hutch shrugged. “Probably. Sort of.”

“Do you want to hear my evaluation so far?” she asked.

“I guess so. You can evaluate him just from me talking about him?”

“Not completely no, but it’s good to get all the backstory before I talk with him. My evaluation involves you too, though.”

“Let me guess. I’m a selfish, insecure little man trying to tough it out like people think I should when really all I want to do is hide from the big bad world. And when I realized that, I left my partner so he wouldn’t see how bad off I really was. Oh, and I have a martyr complex too.”

“Not even close. Well, maybe the martyr part a little.”

“If it’s worse than that doc, maybe I don’t want to hear the evaluation after all.”

“My sense is that you both feel things very deeply. And my work as a couples therapist also tells me you are both used to putting the other’s needs first, which is usually a good thing. But not this time.”

Hutch looked at his pant leg, trying to get some invisible lint off.

“Why don’t you come back to my office and let’s check my schedule. If you want, I think it will help both you and David if you and I do some talking over the next three or four days before he wakes up.”

She got up and he followed her down the hall.

*****************

Over the next four days, Hutch moved back into their hotel and saw Dr. Murray four times. He spent most of the day and night with a sleeping Starsky, himself deep in thought over things discussed with Dr. Murray. He also called Huggy every day to give him an update.

After a session with Hutch on day four, Dr. Murray was called to Starsky’s room when a nurse found him awake.

“He called for some one named Hutch,” the nurse told Dr. Murray “And then just looked out the window.”

“David, are you awake?” asked Murray as she entered the room.

He turned to look at her and answered, “Kind of. Who are you? Where’s Hutch?”

“I’m Dr. Murray and I’ll be treating both you and your partner. He’s been here most of the days and nights. He’s actually getting something to eat right now. I just sent him to the restaurant across the street with an assignment.”

“Assignment? What’s wrong with Hutch? How, why are you treating him?”

“He’s worried about you. Other than that, he’s depressed but wants to figure out a way to make you both better.”

“How long have I been here? How’d I get here?”

“You’ve been here for four days. You were brought in by ambulance when the hotel doctor determined you were catatonic and dehydrated. Do you remember any of that?”

“Not really.” He closed his eyes, trying to remember. Then he shuddered. “I remember Hutch’s letter. He didn’t love me enough to stay …” Starsky whispered.

“I loved you enough to leave,” said a voice from the doorway. Hutch entered the room and moved quickly to Starsky’s bedside. He picked up a hand and pulled it to him to wrap around his chin. Stroking the curls with the other hand he said, “Dr. Murray’s been helping me see where I screwed up and I screwed this one up big time pal. I want to make it up to you. I want you to understand why I felt I had to leave. Most of all, I want to figure out a way for me to be able to tell you what I need too — so we can be together if you still want to.”

Starsky looked confused. “But Hutch, why ya’ leave me? Why?” Starsky was close to tears. “Don’t ya’ know we can handle anything as long as we’re together?”

Hutch pushed the doctor aside and sat down on the side of the bed. He pulled Starsky into his arms and hugged him tight. “Oh babe, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. All I wanted to do was give you a way to be happy. It hurt so much, but I thought I was doing the right thing!”

Starsky slipped his arms around Hutch’s neck. “The right thing is being together. Or isn’t that true for you anymore?” He was pulling Hutch tighter against himself, burying his face in the blond hair.

“Shhhh. We’ll figure it out,” Hutch whispered into a curl covered ear, rocking his lover slightly. “We’ll work it out. I promise. I won’t stop until we’re both happy.”

Dr. Murray watched the exchange with a small smile. Their problem wasn’t a complex one and she felt confident that the two men would soon be ‘happy.’ It was time to start the process and she moved forward to both men.

Bending down slightly to Starsky’s level, she said “Looks like a really solid foundation here. We’ll talk later. Right now Hutch, I don’t want you to say anything to David that you’re uncomfortable with. I know that seems like we’re avoiding the problem, but we aren’t. We’ll get there.” And with that she left the room.

Starsky still had traces of the sedative in his blood, so as Hutch rocked him, he got sleepy. “Hutch?”

“Yeah babe.”

“Will you be here when I wake up again?” He was falling asleep in the long arms.

“Better believe it.” Hutch kissed his cheek, then stroked his hair and rubbed his back until his partner slipped back into sleep.

*****************

Two days later, Starsky was taken off the IVs but still watched closely. He and Hutch had begun couples therapy with Dr. Murray and she was pleased with their progress. Most of the time, they talked while sitting on the bed with Starsky resting his back against Hutch’s chest, and the long blond arms wrapped around his middle. Sometimes Starsky would lean his head back onto Hutch’s shoulder, other times Hutch’s chin would rest on Starsky’s shoulder. At first, Dr. Murray was skeptical because she wanted them to be able to look at each other. But soon she saw them “in action” and knew it was just fine. After a session one afternoon, she talked to Hutch alone for a few minutes.

“David can be released from the hospital tomorrow. He’s physically ready to leave, but I’m not comfortable with discontinuing the therapy just yet. You two are close, but I’d really like to see you a few more times, get you back into the real world, that sort of things before I’d say things are back to normal.”

“And you’re concerned because we’re here and vacation and have already spent an extra week?” Hutch asked.

She nodded. “I know it can’t be cheap. I could put you in touch with an agency that could …”

“No need, doc. As Starsk has alluded to, I’ve got the money. Plenty. I just don’t use it. The only time I did before was to help out when he was in rehab. And this trip. Financially, we can stay where we’re at for a long while.” Hutch smiled self-consciously.

“Oh, great! Financially you said. Is there another concern?”

“Well, could you call our Captain? I don’t want the details out unless ….”

“I understand completely. Patients’ privacy is always protected. Give me the number and I’ll have a chat with Capt. Dobey,” she replied.

************************

Starsky was discharged the next morning and Hutch picked him up in the rental car he’d continued to drive back and forth to the hospital.

When they got to their room, Starsky went immediately to open the doorwall. “Ahhh! You gotta admit Hutch, this homecoming beats getting out of Memorial back home.”

Smiling, Hutch turned and put the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the hallway door, then threw the deadbolt. “Come here beautiful man. I have a king size bed and a king size hunger — for you.” Hutch mock-stalked across the room until he had his lover in his arms.

Laughing, Starsky slipped his arms around his lover’s shoulders and found himself lifted off the ground. “Hey, I just got outta bed,” he half whined as he was settled back on top of the bedspread.

“The only resemblance to that bed will be that it keeps your gorgeous ass off the ground!”

Their lovemaking was slow and tender. Hutch stroked and played and moved his partner with whispered words, soft touches, and wet kisses. At one point, Starsky started to hump a long leg.

“Oh, no. Not yet,” Hutch admonished, moving his kisses from the soft neck to the strong chest and pulling his leg out from between the two furry ones.

“Huuuutch come on, pleeease. I’m aching over here. I need you to make me see the stars!”

“Soon, my love. Soon Roll over for me. Get on your hands and knees.”

Eagerly, Starsky complied as Hutch rolled. They ended up with Starsky balancing directly over his partner.

“Hmm, clever, ” Hutch murmured then captured a nipple to suck. He continued working the pert nub until Starsky was wriggling. He released the tingling flesh and kissed his way down Starsky’s chest. “Something else perhaps?” Then in an instant, sucked one of the furry testicles completely in his mouth.

“God yessssss.” Starsky was grinding his groin into his lover’s face. “More babe! God more!”

Hutch stroked and tickled the ball he hadn’t pulled into his mouth. Starsky was alternating between arching and grinding, softly moaning. “Pleeease Hutch. Pleeeease …”

Keeping his mouth moving around the treat, Hutch reached under a pillow and grabbed the lube he had placed their earlier. Still laying underneath his partner who was precariously balanced over him, Hutch released the testicle and said “Watch.”

Starsky’s head came up to find his face inches away from a very excited cock. He went to lick it, but Hutch chose that moment to capture the neglected testicle in his mouth. Starsky hissed, looked down, then felt Hutch tug his hair. Looking back up, he saw Hutch use both hands to grease his cock, making it a grand show for his love.

Starsky couldn’t take anymore. He pulled out of Hutch’s mouth, knee walked up to align himself, then straddled the greased cock, impaling himself with a shout.

“Find it babe! Find your spot!” Hutch tried moving at different angles until he felt the other body stiffen.

“There,” wheezed the dark haired man.

“Whatever you say, darling.” Hutch pumped and pumped, hitting Starsky’s prostate with every long stroke. Soon, his love had gone from panting to a continuous moan.

“Ohhhh Huuuutch. Yeeeahhh. Theerrrreee.” Starsky was riding Hutch’s cock, moving with Hutch’s strokes, driving himself even further down. Suddenly, the voice changed. Clipped words, like a sergeant drilling troops. “There! Again! Again! Faster! Again! Yes, yes! Faster, faster, oh god Hutch faster!”

Hutch felt himself explode, then felt Starsky clench his pumping cock with his interior muscles. He reached up and grabbed Starsky’s cock. His greased hands slid easily on the tightly held shaft, and as his orgasm shook him, he clenched and pulled Starsky’s orgasm from him. Still shuddering himself, he watched Starsky jerk as if he’d been hit with defibulator paddles, then collapse over Hutch, still trapping his partner’s cock inside himself.

Hutch wrapped his arms around the sweat soaked back and rolled them to their sides. He softly kissed all over the flushed face. Starsky was gasping, bringing his hands up to stroke blond hair and shoulders. “Never … lose you … never,” Starsky panted.

“No love,” Hutch reassured him. “Never again.”

Starsky’s breath was coming back to where a complete sentence was almost possible. “Ab …. so … lutely. We’re … almost 40 …. was time to get off …. the streets … soon anyway … I’m sure, Hutch. We want … the same things babe.” He smiled, then captured full soft lips in a kiss.

“Then I’ve got a question for you, babe.” Hutch took a deep breath, recovering and steadying himself at the same time. “And I need an answer right now,” Hutch said with a deep breath and a serious tone. He reached under the pillow again and pulled away a little bit so there was some space between their chests. He opened a small box and took out a simple band of brushed gold. “Question number three: Will you marry me?”

************************

Later, they reclaimed their chaises on the beach.

“Welcome back, Dave!” Rick announced, appearing suddenly with two large pineapples holding straws and umbrellas. “No booze, just fruit smoothies, man.”

“Thanks — anything that isn’t apple juice in a paper cup will do but these look fantastic,” Starsky said. As he reached for the drinks, the light caught the soft gold ring on his left hand.

“Personally, I’m glad you’re back ’cause Hutch here was starting to worry me and Connie!”

“Connie?” He looked at Hutch. “Who’s Connie?”

“A darling young woman that would have given you a run for it in your prime 20’s. And Rick’s fiancée.” He leaned over and stole a kiss. “No worries, love. There’s no question that you’re my one and only.”

Starsky batted his eyelashes and planted a quick kiss on the full lips. Rick cracked up saying, “Champagne it is!”