Starsky and Hutch Film Classics

66

In SHareCon zines, the editors usually look for short works to fill out partial pages. In 2010, Suz^tm was kind enough to submit a variety of short and very short parody works we could use. These short shorts appeared throughout the zine.

 

Originally published in SHareCon 2010 zine.

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2001: A Space Odyssey

“Open the pod bay doors, Hutch,” said Dave.

“Just what do you think you’re doing, Dave?” said Hutch.

“Opening the pod bay doors, Hutch,” said Dave. “And as you can now feel… it’s full of stars-ky….”

 

The Matrix – Pick One

“Hutch, I’m not afraid anymore. Madame Yram told me that I would fall in love and that that man… the man that I loved would be The One,” said Starsky.

“That’s funny,” said Hutch. “Madame Yram said the same thing to me.”

“So…are you The One, or am I The One?” said Starsky.

“Which pill did you take?” asked Hutch.

“The red one,” said Starsky.

“Oh,” said Hutch. “I took the blue one.”

“Wait, whose subconscious are we going through exactly?” asked Starsky.

“Wrong movie,” said Hutch.

 

Chinatown

[Dobey slaps Hutch]

“I said I want the truth!” said Dobey.

“He’s my partner!” said Hutch.

[slap]

“He’s my lover!” said Hutch.

[slap]

“My partner, my lover,” said Hutch.

[More slaps]

“I said I want the truth!” said Dobey.

“He’s my partner AND my lover!” said Hutch.

“All right then,” said Dobey.

 

Singing in the Rain

“Good morning, good morning—we fucked the whole day through. Good morning, good morning, to you!” sang Hutch.

 

Fight Club

“Are you me or am I you?” Hutch asked. “And which one of us is sleeping with Kira?”

“Pass the soap,” said Starsky.

 

The Jazz Singer (1927)

“Are you putting on blackface?” asked Huggy.

“No,” said Starsky, frozen in the act of putting on blackface.

“I didn’t think so,” said Huggy.

 

The Jazz Singer (1980)

“Are you putting on a sparkly Neil Diamond shirt?” asked Huggy.

“No,” said Starsky, frozen in the act of putting on a sparkly Neil Diamond shirt.

“I didn’t think so,” said Huggy.

 

The Great Train Robbery

“Aren’t you going to say something?” said Lawman Starsky.

“No,” said Trainrobber Hutch. “It’s a silent film.”

“Oh yeah,” said Lawman Starsky.

 

Starsky and Hutch

“How much did we get paid for this flick?” asked Starsky.

“Not enough,” said Hutch.

 

Avatar

“You are not in Los Angeles anymore, you are in Bay City, ladies and gentlemen, respect that fact every second of every day,” said Dobey.

“I see you,” said sapphire-blue Hutch.

“I see you,” said cornflower-blue Starsky.

“You thinking what I’m thinking?” asked Hutch.

“Let’s dump these neutered avatars and have good old-fashioned human sex,” replied Starsky.

 

Gone With the Wind

“War, war, war,” said Starsky.

“Are you having a Vietnam flashback?” said Hutch.

“Fiddle-dee-dee,” said Starsky.

“Fiddle-dee-me,” said Hutch.

“Don’t just get any stains on my green velvet drapes,” said Starsky.

“Lawzy, we got to have a doctor. I don’t know nothin’ ’bout birthin’ babies,” said Huggy.

“It’s okay,” said Starsky, “this isn’t mpreg.”

“It ain’t fittin’… it ain’t fittin’. It jes’ ain’t fittin’… It ain’t fittin’,” said Dobey.

“Get the hell out of here!” yelled Starsky and Hutch. “We just need more lube.”

Starsky pouted: “Hutch… if you go, where shall I go, what shall I do?”

“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a flying fuck,” said Hutch.

“Kira! Whore. I’ll go home to that whore. And I’ll think of some way to get him back. After all… tomorrow is another day,” said Starsky.

 

Treasure of the Sierra Madre

“Badges? We ain’t got no badges. We don’t need no badges. I don’t have to show you any stinking badges,” said Starsky.

“Uh, Starsk, yes we do. Plus give them our badge numbers,” said Hutch.