Starsky’s Thoughts

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Starsky’s thoughts as he recovers from the shooting.

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Starsky’s Thoughts #1

You let me curl up on the couch in the middle of the afternoon when my body hurts so much I don’t want to do anything else…you reach over me and loosen my belt and take my shoes off for me to make me more comfortable because you know bending over to do that still hurts me. You get a pillow off my bed and put it under my head and cover me up ever so gently with a blanket.

I look up in your eyes to say thank you and I can see in your eyes a wish and a prayer that you could take this pain from me.

It hurts you deeply that you can’t. But believe this, Hutch, because you do care so much the pain isn’t quite as bad.

Thank you partner for always being here for me.

Lord, please all I ask of you is that you let me stay well enough to do for him half as much as he does for me.

Thanks, blondie, I love you…boy, I can’t seem to keep my eyes open….

I did it again, fell asleep and stayed asleep for a good two hours. Sure felt good though. When I laid down I was so sore but now I feel pretty good, all warm and cozy.

Wonder if I can push my luck just a little further and I can get Blondie to bring me a drink over to the couch. Ummm, I know he would, but Nature’s calling anyway.

I reluctantly ‘un-cocoon’ myself from my warm haven on the couch. About that time my partner comes out of the kitchen and walks over to me. As I get up from the couch he can tell how much mobility and flexibility that I’ve lost forever thanks to Gunther, and he is right there with a helping hand gripping mine and helping me up. His other arm around my back.

He still worries about me constantly and I try to reassure him by the way I get up and move around that I won’t fall apart or something, but most times my body won’t cooperate like I want it to. And then there’s that sad look in his eyes that has been there ever since the shooting and the realization that some things for me will never be like they were.

He had said to me right after I’d come home from the hospital that he’d wished to God that it’d been him and not me that had my body shattered by bullets. He actually broke down right then and there for the first time, at least in front of me and told me how utterly terrified and lost he’d been when he saw me lying in a pool of blood.

True that those bullets tore apart my flesh only, but there are really two victims here…myself for the obvious reasons, but even though Hutch wasn’t hurt physically those bullets ripped open that man’s heart and soul. So we both carry scars…mine mostly physical, his…deeply emotional and heart felt.

“Hey, Starsk?” he asks me, “You feel better?”

“Yeah, I do, partner.”

Something smelled good.

“What’s for dinner, I’m starved!!!!

He tells me go on and take care of business and you can tell me if dinner is edible and wash you hands while you’re in there.

Without turning around I said to him, “Yes Ma’am,” and ducked just in time to miss the pillow aimed at me.

Boy, smells good. Hey, smells like the ‘Paul Muni Special’ to me. Sure hope he made enough for both of us, cause tonight I feel hungry, happy, and grateful to be sharing my life with the best friend I could every hope to have.

I, David Michael Starsky am loved.

 

Starsky’s Thoughts #2

I had to get down to ‘Eddie’s Pawn Shop’ and I had to do it without Hutch. That was going to be the roughest part. I wasn’t supposed to drive yet, not that I felt well enough to anyway. It was still an effort to try to dress myself each morning.

Hell, the first few weeks home from the hospital, Hutch had to help me on with my underwear. If it had been anyone else doing these intimate things for me I’d have gone crazy, but with Blondie we kidded around about it.

I told him one morning when he helped me on with my briefs that if this was to become a habit, that I wanted a definite ‘commitment’ from him. He about died from laughter.

He said I’d have to promise to shave my legs though.

He said, “You know, Starsk, you are demented. You do know that?”

“Yup,” I said, “from spending all these years with you.”

Kidding around like this was one of the ways we handled this mess that Gunther had left us with. And that mess was me.

I knew I really should get someone to go with me. Hey, maybe Huggy. I know he’d help but then I remembered that he was going to be out of town for a few days and I couldn’t afford to wait that long. I decided to call myself a taxi.

I paid the taxi driver and made my way inside to ‘Eddie’s’. He was behind the cash register counting his receipts of the day.

“Hi, Eddie,” I said.

“Well, well, Detective Starsky,” he was looking around for Hutch because he said. “Where’s your other half?”

“Oh, he’s at the precinct. Look, Eddie, I found this pawn slip on the bathroom floor this morning after Hutch left for work. I want to buy this back.”

Hutch had pawned one of the two things that had meant something to him…his grandfather’s pocket watch. Hutch isn’t close to his family…they don’t approve of their college graduate son’s choice of careers, but he really loved his grandfather. From what Hutch has told me his grandfather was the most important person in his life while he was growing up. And now his only link to him since he had died was that pocket watch which he treasured. And , oh God, the reason it is here in a pawn shop in the first place is because of me, all because of me.

Eddie really was a good sort and a good snitch at times. I believe he was glad that I’d come for the watch. He liked Hutch and me. He reached under the counter and handed the watch to me and I paid him. My wallet had $18.00 left in it and I had just received my disability check for this month a few days ago. The whole damn check wouldn’t cover all my bills, right now I didn’t care, I would worry about the bills later. Hutch was gonna get that watch back no matter what. Hell, I’d let Eddie hold the title to the Torino if I had to.

Hutch had dug into his own savings more times than I care to think about but when I tried to protest my partner declared. “Starsky, this is not up for discussion. I want to do this for you and that’s that. So, shut up…” and then he said, very softly, “I love you and I want to help you.”

And I let him because nothing would have stopped me from helping him if our situations were reversed. He loves me that much and I love him that much.

I dropped the watch in my jacket pocket and turned to use the payphone on the wall to call for a taxi to take me back home when all of a sudden I felt a stabbing pain grab at my chest and move down to my stomach. The pain was coming on me like a freight train and I was feeling very sick to my stomach and awfully lightheaded.

Eddie came around the counter to me. “Starsky, are you okay? Man, you look like you’re gonna pass out.”

I tried to will myself to be okay, but if Eddie hadn’t pulled up a chair for me to sit down in I’d have landed in a heap on the floor. Even sitting down the pain shot through my chest and stomach and I thought for sure I was going to be sick.

I really was a mess.

I closed my eyes and heard a phone being dialed. I heard Eddie’s voice say: “I need to talk to Sergeant Hutchinson and no, it can’t wait, I need to talk to him now!”

“Aw, Hutch, this is Eddie, ‘Pawn Shop Eddie’…” Hutch must have thought that Eddie had information for him because I heard Eddie say, “No nothing yet. But, aw, your partner is here…”

I heard an excited and worried Hutch yell from the other end of the phone line, “What did you say? He’s where?”

“Calm down, Hutch, he’s safe, just think he overdid it some…look, I’ll stay with him until you get here.” He hung the phone up and walked back over to me. “Your partner is on his way.”

By this time the pain in my chest and stomach was considerable and all I wanted was one of those ‘magic’ pills of mine and for Hutch to come and get me and take me home. I was glad when I saw Hutch running through the entrance of the pawn shop. He skidded to a halt in front of me and knelt down. He had a terrified look on his face and he was visibly trembling. One hand went to feel my forehead and the other gently placed on my chest.

My White Knight was here.

His voice was shaky. “Starsky, Are you okay? God, you scared the hell out of me, buddy, what are you doing here? You’re not strong enough or well enough to be out like this.” He ran his hand through my hair and the other one alongside my cheek. “Now, tell me, What was so important that you couldn’t wait for me to take you?”

“Hutch,” I said, “I wanted to get your grandfather’s watch back for you…I found the pawn slip on the bathroom floor this morning after you went to work. I know how much that watch means to you and if it weren’t for me, me being like this, you wouldn’t had had to pawn it in the first place. I can’t seem to do anything right anymore.”

“Oh, partner,” Hutch looked away from me and when he turned back around to face me his eyes were filling up with tears. “Buddy, listen…yes, that watch means a lot to me, but…it’s just a watch. Nothing and no one means more to me than you do. You are all the good that has happened in my life.”

He helped me to the car, one arm gently around my waist, the other under my elbow. He started the car. Put one arm on the steering wheel and the other lightly rubbed my shoulder.

I reached into my jacket pocket and gave him the watch. He pulled the car over to the curb and shut the engine off and moved across the seat closer to me, and he reached over to hold me. My best friend held me tenderly to him all the time rubbing my back and I leaned into the comfort of that familiar embrace…a place where my body would be able to rest from the pain.

I closed my eyes and knew that I was loved.

 

Starsky’s Thoughts #3

My room in Memorial Hospital had become my home. I’d been here almost two months and a good majority of that time I was drugged half out of my mind. It was the only way that I could survive the ever-present pain that radiated throughout my body.

In the few lucid moments that I did have between the pain medication doses Hutch would be there and I tried my best to focus on his voice talking to me in soothing tones, saying that it was gonna be just fine. That was the ‘lifeline’ that I clung to.

They gave me morphine for my pain…there was nothing they could prescribe for his.

I would wake up at times only to find myself being poked, prodded, and stared at by a myriad of doctors and nurses and nurses aides. There would be the prick of needles being stuck in me…tubes being taken out of various parts of my body only to be replaced by more tubes. All I wanted was for it to stop hurting so much, for the pain to stop even if it was just for a few minutes at a time.

They had a tracheal tube down my throat that prevented me from talking, they had to do that on the ground in the police garage because I couldn’t breathe. But it hurt my throat now and the day they took it out my throat felt raw, and it hurt to try to talk or even swallow. I was trying to make my voice work but at first I couldn’t.

Then my partner was there running his hand through my hair, stopping on my forehead and saying, “Easy, Starsk, I know you throat must hurt. Just give me a minute.”

He kept one hand on my forehead and the other was reaching for a cup of ice chips which he held up to my lips, and said, “Open your month and swallow, the ice should make your throat feel a lot better.”

I did as he told me and the cold did feel good to my sore throat.

This time when I tried to speak my voice worked but just barely. “Hey, Hutch,” I said. “Please tell me what happened to me. Please!”

He said to me ever so softly, “…You were shot, buddy, and that’s all you need to know for now. But you’re gonna be just fine and that’s all that counts. And I am going to be right here with you each and every time you wake up. So for now you just sleep and let me take care of things.”

“‘kay,” I said. I couldn’t stay awake any longer but I had to tell him. As I tried to form the words, Hutch bent down close to me and he nodded and I think I saw a ghost of a smile on his face…”I know, babe, I love you, too.”

I managed a smile of sorts and sank back down into a drug-induced sleep.

Each morning when I woke up now I’d see my day nurse, her name is Maryanne, and she would be wiping my forehead with a cloth and wiping the sleep out of my eyes. It felt good.

She really was a pretty thing, and I wondered if I’d ever again be well enough to enjoy the company and pleasures of a woman. Hutch told me sometime later that she had been on duty in the Trauma Center’s ER the day I got shot so it kind of made me extra special to her. No one thought that I’d live through that first night, but I did, and I became quite a ‘celebrity’. As the newspapers put it…’The Cop That Defied Death.’

After I felt somewhat better she talked with me about Hutch.

Oh, God! Hutch.

All of a sudden my partner was ‘all alone’. No one was there for him. Oh, I’m sure the Captain tried to get through to him and I know Huggy tried, too, but Maryanne said that Hutch was inconsolable. She said she didn’t know how the man kept breathing. He was terrified, lost, and almost out of his mind with impending loss and grief. He just knew I was going to die and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do to stop it.

The doctors had simply given him no hope for my survival.

But we surprised them all, I made it, even though my heart had stopped at one time.

I thanked Maryanne for arranging to let Hutch stay with me. She made him promise that if he was told to leave, he would do just that. No questions asked. She said he readily agreed, but deep down she just knew that he wouldn’t go far.

After a few more days had passed Hutch said he dared to hope again.

“Please dear God, just let him live, whatever comes later, Starsk and I can and will deal with it…just don’t let him die.” He said to me, “Starsk, all I wanted was for there to be a tomorrow for us.”

Dobey and Huggy had offered on numerous times to sit with me and Hutch would always say, “No, I need to be here with him.”

She said the Captain tried to get Hutch to go home and away from the hospital for a while but Hutch shot back at him with… “I don’t give a damn about the rest of the world right now. I can’t think about anything or anyone else right now, every breath I take I’ll take for Starsky.”

Maryanne said, “David, you are lucky, that gorgeous hunk of a partner of yours has no time for the rest of the world.”

Every day was filled with doctors, nurses, nurses’ aides, drugs, needles, pain. But each day I became a little more aware of things.

Hutch was always there when I woke up and when I fell asleep and I suspect most of the time in between, too. I told him that he ought to go home and sleep his own bed for a change instead of in a chair in my hospital room, but he would always say, “I am home, Starsk.”

He would sit with me for hours. He had started bringing his guitar to the hospital and he’d play song after song for me. It helped.

Oh, but the first time I saw myself when they were changing my dressings really shook me up…all over my chest and stomach…nothing but stitches, and the bullet holes made indentations in my skin, the wounds were red-rimmed and swollen and almost every inch of my chest and stomach was bruised black and blue. Railroad tracks everywhere that I could see. My breath was coming in short gasps now and I thought the pain would rip me apart.

I guess the nurse noticed the change in the monitor above my bed and she gave me a shot.

And then the nurse’s face was replaced by Hutch’s. He was talking to me

ever so softly…”It’s okay, babe, just close your eyes. I’m right here. It’ll be ok, you’re doing just fine. Go back to sleep and let the medicine work.”

I was exhausted once again, but I felt safe knowing that Hutch would be right there, like always.

Maryanne had told me a while later that my partner had chewed out the nurses for being so careless by letting me see my wounds like that. He was angry because it has upset me so much.

She called him ‘My Protector’ and after that one incident nothing like that ever happened again. She said he reminded her of a coiled rattlesnake ready to strike out at anything or anyone that he perceived to be a threat to me.

He had become my strength because I had none of my own right now and wouldn’t have for a very long time…but now we had more time. He became my primary medicine, my prescription against all the pain, all the fear, and the doubts about my future.

Just want to say, “Thank You Lord,” for I am alive and I am going to be just fine.

And tomorrow I am going home.

Starsky’s Thoughts #4

The Dobey’s had invited Hutch and me over for Thanksgiving dinner. We had originally planned on flying to Hutch’s parents in Duluth for the long holiday weekend but my getting shot had changed all that. This will be the first real outing other than to and from the constant doctor’s visits since I had come home from the hospital and I was really looking forward to it, and I wanted Hutch to have a carefree day aside from taking care of me constantly.

“Hey,” Hutch said to me, “if we’re going to the Captain’s you are gonna have to tear yourself away from ‘Godzilla’. We’re expected at his house in a couple of hours.” My partner glanced at the screen and shook his head. “I have got to be the only one in this city that has a partner that would rather watch ‘Godzilla vs Rodan’ for the 100th time then any of the Bowl games that are on.”

“Yup,” I said, “how did you get so lucky?”

He just shook his head some more. But I got the hint and switched off the TV.

I started to get up off the couch when the movement sent a stabbing pain shooting through my stomach and a moan and a cry escaped me before I could stop it.

Hutch was beside me in an instant.

Damn, it still hurts awful sometimes just trying to do something as simple as getting up off the couch.

Hutch could see my face and he reached out to me and helped me up from the couch the rest of the way, holding on to me until he was sure I was steady enough to be on my own. Only then would he let me go.

“Buddy, are you okay?”

I just nodded my head and we stood there, me trying to pretend I was just fine…and him desperately wanting me to be. God, what a pair.

Finally the spasm passed and I was able to take my shower with minimal help from Hutch. Even taking a shower tired me out these days and Hutch, God bless him…knew that because he had already laid out my clothes for me and we went through the ritual that was by now all too familiar with me, he helped me on with my clothes.

I hated this, but I still needed the help. I couldn’t reach down to tie my own shoes. He bent down to tie them for me.

I couldn’t remember the last time we had both dressed up like this. Hutch in a tan jacket, white turtleneck sweater and khaki pants…he looked like he could run for President.

On the other hand, I knew what I looked like, I’d lost a tremendous amount of weight from the shooting and the subsequent hospital stay. I chose a navy blue blazer and a light blue shirt and tan pants. The pants just hung on me, and if it weren’t for the belt holding my pants up, I probably would have ‘mooned’ everybody the first time that I stood up. I knew that I looked like a ‘bag of bones’. But still I said, “Hey, Hutch, do I look okay?”

I stepped back for my ‘Hutch Inspection’…he’s never trusted me to know what goes with what. He was looking at me and he closed his eyes and shook his head and he spoke almost in a whisper.

“My God, Starsk, what would I have done if you hadn’t made it? I can’t imagine ever smiling again without you here with me.”

“Hey,” I said, “but I did make it and that’s why today is so special for us, we truly can count our blessings this year. Hey,” and I put my hand on his shoulder, “I really am gonna be okay, you know that?”

He said, “Yeah, Starsk, I do, but it was so close to being all over for me…

Enough of this, I thought. “Come on Blondie, let’s go.”

He grabbed my leather jacket and put it under one arm and we headed out the door to the car.

I said, “What’s the jacket for? It’s not cold outside.”

“No, it’s not cold right now, but when the sun goes down it might and I’m not taking any chances on you catching cold.”

He’s my ever-present nurse, protector, partner, comforter, and best friend and without that constant care and love from him I’d have never seen this Thanksgiving Day, less long be well enough to enjoy it. I had so much to be thankful for, especially for having ‘Blondie’ love me like he does.

We had a great dinner at the Captain’s, a feast fit for a King. And sweet little Rosie made sure all the food was always within my reach and when something wasn’t she made her Mom and Dad bring it to me. She told Hutch that this was her house and she was going to take care of Uncle Starsky. Hutch just smiled. She waited on me hand and foot.

When we all got up from the dining room table she told Hutch, “I’ll help Uncle Starsky.”

My partner just stood back and watched.

We all sat in the living room for a while eating slices of homemade apple and pumpkin pies.

Hutch only played nurse once that whole evening. He had seen me wince from the pain when I got up to use the little boy’s room and he was waiting for me with a glass of water and two of my pills.

“I really do think you should take these, babe, it’s been quite a while since the last ones.”

By this time I needed to take something and I was grateful that he had thought to bring the pills along. Seems he is always thinking about me…what I need. Lucky me.

It was Hutch who decided it was time for us to head on home knowing I had been out probably longer than I should and he wanted to get me back home. But…I had other ideas.

“Starsky, you doing okay there, buddy?”

I said, “Yeah, getting sort of tired but I’m really fine, so fine in fact, I was just thinking… Hutch? Can we go look at the lights…they turn on the Christmas lights for the whole city tonight…pleeesse?”

“I don’t know , Starsk, you’ve been up a long time already today and you know what the doctor’s said about you over doing it.”

Aww, I could see I’d have to use some desperate measures. I sank further down into the seat of the car and put on my best sad, pouting face.

Hutch looked over at me and just shook his head. I knew by the look on my partner’s face that it worked. It really wasn’t fair because ever since I’ve been sick he hasn’t refused me anything that I have wanted to do, big or small.

He turned the car around at the next intersection and headed out of town.

“Hey,” I said. “Where are we going? The city’s that way,” and I pointed in the opposite direction that we were heading.

He wouldn’t answer me, just kept right on driving and then I realized we were heading up into the Hollywood Hills.

In my best, ‘little boy lost’ voice I said, “Hey, I thought we were gonna go see the lights?”

“Be patient, gordo, be patient,” and that’s all he said and we drove for a few more minutes and then I knew exactly where we were headed.

He put the car in park, turned off the engine and got out and came over to my side of the car. He helped me out of the car, one hand gently around my back and the other under my elbow.

When I had straightened up he reached behind me into the back seat of the car and took out my jacket.

“Here, put this on if you want to see the lights.”

He helped me on with my jacket and zipped it up, and said to me, “Leave it zipped up, Starsk, the air’s cold up here.”

He was going into protector mode, and there’s no stopping him then.

“‘kay,” I said, and I wouldn’t tell him but the jacket was a good idea, it was getting chilly and I got cold so easily these days.

From where we were sitting the City of Angels was just coming alive with millions of twinkling Christmas lights. They were coming on all over the city and lighting up the sky ushering in the beginning of the Holidays.

And God looked down and he saw two of his children sitting on a hilltop side by side, their arms around each other, the dark curly-haired one leaning his head on the shoulder of the blonde-haired one.

One was Starsky’s Angel and the other one was Hutch’s Miracle.

Both of his children were saying their own prayer of thanks…to a kind and merciful God.

 

Starsky’s Thoughts #5

Well, the day was finally here. I was going home from the hospital where I had been for the last two months. I was waiting for Hutch to pick me up. He was so excited about taking me home. At least now he would be sleeping in his own bed instead of in a chair beside my hospital bed.

Just last night we made the rounds…him pushing me in a wheelchair saying my thanks and good-byes to all the folks involved with my recovery.

“Hey, Hutch,” I said to him. “Let’s find Doctor Kellerman.”

This man had literally saved my life. He had been in the Trauma Center when the paramedics had brought me in that day and he had supervised my care every step of the way. If he hadn’t cared enough to try to hit me with those paddles that one last time, I would never have come out of my cardiac arrest.

Whew, that still sends chills up and down me when I hear someone speak of that.

Hutch still has a problem talking about it, it scared the hell out of him…still does…even to talk about it. Blondie and I will have to work that one out together later.

At least now there is going to be a ‘later’.

“Okay, Starsk, let’s see if the nurses know where he is.”

He wheeled me over to the Nurses’ Station and asked. He turned back to me and said. “Looks like we’re in luck, he’s in his office.”

I made Hutch stop outside of the Doctor’s office. I didn’t know what I wanted to say to this man who had held my life in his hands and had literally given my life back to me, but I had to try.

I looked up at Hutch, “No,” I said. “Please just help me out of this chair…I want to ‘walk’ into his office and tell him.”

I don’t know why this was so important to me but it was.

My partner just looked down at me and softly said, “Aww, Babe, I wish you wouldn’t, but okay. Just let me do most of the work.”

I had to, my legs were like rubber and any movement that I made still sent spasms of pain up and down my stomach, back and chest. He practically lifted me out of the wheelchair, I had zero energy of my own and I hurt all over. I closed my eyes and waited for the spasms to pass.

“Starsk, are you alright? Are you sure you want to do this?”

I answered him the only way I could, with a nod of my head. He held on to me to be sure my legs would hold me up.

“I’m okay, but please don’t let go of me,” I said to him.

“I don’t intend to partner, not now, not ever.”

He knocked on the door and at the same time opened it as I heard my doctor’s voice say, “Come on in.”

We walked into the doctor’s office and he got up from behind his desk and walked over to us. With Hutch still holding on to me all he had to do was point to the couch in the corner of the room. (Man, this walking thing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.) I was sweating from the exertion.

Hutch eased me down unto the cushions of the couch and sat down beside me, one arm still around my shoulder. I was grateful to be off my feet…just those few precious steps and I thought I’d run a marathon. I really must have been sweating from the effort it took to walk because Hutch reached over and pushed a stray curl away from my face, concern etched in his eyes. He was still so frightened for me, and I sure wasn’t easing his mind much but I was trying.

“I’m okay, I’m just winded a little.”

He looked at me and tenderly said, “I know, buddy, I know.”

There was so much love in just those few words said to me.

“So you’re leaving us tomorrow, David,” my doctor said.

“Yeah,” is all I said. All the things I had planned to say to this man and I couldn’t find the words to say them. I looked over at Hutch for help.

My partner said it for me. “Doctor Kellerman, Jim…I…we, how do we say, ‘Thank you’ for what you did for us? You gave my partner’s life back to him and you gave me back my partner and I’ll thank you forever for that.”

“You’re both welcome. You know, it’s not often that I get to save ‘two’ lives…and that’s what I feel has happened here.”

And he looked at me, “David, I know you are going to have a long hard and painful road ahead of you for quite some time, but I know that you will make it just fine. And you let your partner take care of you…you need that, and he needs that.”

He went on to say that he had seen too many of his patients leave the hospital not knowing what was going to happen to them or who would care for them when they went home.

“And I’m still only a phone call away for any questions or problems, you remember that. You don’t have to wait for a scheduled visit. Okay, David?”

“Yes,” I said. So far I seemed to have a vocabulary of ‘one’. I heard myself thank the doctor for everything…for my life, I didn’t know what else to say, that really summed it all up.

“You’re welcome, David, most welcome.” Then he got really serious and said. “And, please, the ‘both’ of you, not just you David, think about what we talked about a few days ago. “Please promise me that much.”

I saw Hutch look over at me and then back to the doctor. “We will, Doctor Kellerman, I promise.”

He really wanted Hutch and I off the streets.

The doctor shook my hand and then Hutch’s.

Hutch helped me up from the couch and back into the wheelchair, easing me into it as gently as he could. Every time I winced, every time I cried out or moaned from the pain I could see a little bit of Hutch’s heartbreak…I saw it in those incredibly blue eyes of his. It tore him up to see me this way and it tore me up to see him this way.

We went back to my room and he settled me down in my bed for the last time. “See you in the morning, gordo.” And as an afterthought he bent down and kissed me on the forehead.

I think it embarrassed him some…it made me feel loved…and I fell asleep almost instantly.

All my things were packed up, my nurse Maryanne had done it for me. I was waiting for Hutch. Then I looked up to see my partner standing in the doorway of my room, his hands on the wheelchair in front of him. He pushed it over to the chair I was sitting in.

“Hey, buddy, you ready to blow this place?”

When I didn’t answer him right off he kneeled down in front of me and placed both his hands over mine. “Hey, you okay, Starsk?” There was a wealth of love and concern in those eyes and in his voice.

He was so tender with me…but he could be so deadly out there on the streets…but this is the Hutch that belongs only to me. This is the Hutch that will get me through whatever the future has in store for me.

“Yup,” I said, “let’s blow this place, partner.”

I looked out of the passenger’s side view mirror of the car and watched as the hospital faded into the distance.

Hutch pulled the car up to the front of the house and turned off the engine but made no move to get out of the car.

Slowly he turned and looked over at me and there were tears in his eyes.

Tears of happiness, tears of relief, tears for our past, our present, and our future.

Tears for “Me and Thee.”

Starsky’s Thoughts #6

I was finally home from the hospital after a very long and painful two months. I couldn’t do much…. Gunther’s bullets really did a number on my insides. I still had that almost constant if not varying degrees of pain in my chest and abdomen. The exit wounds in my back still felt like dull aches, too. All in all I did the best I could dealing with the pain, especially for Hutch’s sake. At times I believe he feels my pain with more intensity then even I do.

Boy, that day didn’t start off all that great, actually it started out downright lousy.

The day that I was discharged from the hospital there were a group of reporters waiting for us, they wanted comments from me, as they put it…’The Cop That Defied Death.’

When Hutch saw them I thought he was going to go ballistic. He was livid with anger. He tore into them, at the same time stepping in front of me, shielding me from their persistent questions and prying eyes.

To this day I’ll never forget what he said or how he said it. He said in the most cold and deadly voice that I have ever heard him use… “Get away from us! Get away from me and get away from my partner or I will make all of you sorry you were ever born!”

They quickly and silently cleared a path for us and Hutch wheeled me to the car and helped me out of the wheelchair and into the seat of the car.

“Those bastards, I’d like to kill each and everyone of them,” he said to me.

There was still so much anger in his voice that all I did was look at him, I said nothing.

When he saw the look on my face he shifted gears immediately and turned into ‘My Hutch’…gentle, loving, caring and protecting.

“Sorry, buddy, but they really got to me. God knows you have so much to deal with already, I just want to take you home and keep you safe, you’ve suffered too damn much.”

“Hey, Hutch.” I put my hand on his shoulder and waited until I had his attention. “Thank you for being you and caring for me the way you do…no one cares about me or loves me more than you do…believe me, I know that, so…please let’s just go on home, Blondie…forget those clowns. We both need to start healing.”

These are my doctor’s orders upon release from the hospital: For the first few weeks I was to get up only to go to the john and to lie on the couch for a few hours each day. Absolutely no bending, no stretching…but really, no one had to tell me not to try these last two things. Any attempt I made at almost any kind of movement still sent waves of pain radiating throughout my body.

But there were more orders, no stairs unless absolutely necessary. He told me not to try getting in or out of bed without help. He didn’t want me to be left alone even to bathe myself and if I hadn’t realized by now just how severe my injuries were all these instructions and or restrictions brought it all home to me crystal clear.

The doctor had told Hutch that I could not stand much stress so he played interference for me. He screened my phone calls, my visitors and my mail. He put his life ‘on hold’ for me. He almost lost it the day that my bank called me and told me I was two days late on a personal loan I had with them. It upset me a lot.

Under normal circumstances I would have just blown them off and made a note to myself to remember to bring the payment in the next day or so. But with all the drugs I was taking my emotions got the best of me. I had been lying on the couch watching the ‘Planet of the Apes’ movie marathon and sipping on a root beer shake that Hutch had just brought me from the DQ.

He was putting away groceries when the phone rang so I answered it. He had made sure it was easily within my reach for the short time it took him to go to the store. He absolutely hated leaving me alone even for such a short time. He looked over at me and I guess he detected a tremor in my voice.

He was by my side at the couch in an instant. He took the phone from me and asked, “Who is this?”

When the man identified himself Hutch lowered his voice and in one of the most deadly tones that I can remember he dismissed the caller and told him if he ever called here again and upset me he’d go down to that bank and make the man wish he’d never been born.

The conversation was terminated at that point, and I don’t know if it was from Hutch’s end or the poor ‘unfortunate soul’ at the other end. I had no doubt that would be the last I’d hear from them.

He looked at me and placed his hand on my shoulder and gently massaged the back of my neck with his other hand.

How gentle he was with me, but how deadly he had just been with that unfortunate sap from the bank.

The massages Hutch gave me helped the constant ache in my chest and stomach. I had some back pain, too, and the massages were the only thing that helped there, too.

Hutch seemed to instinctively know what it was I needed.

I had been given a choice to have a live-in nurse after I got home from the hospital but Hutch told the doctor that was out of the question.

“I am going to be the one to take care of Starsky and no one else. He has been through hell the last two months. I’ll learn whatever I need to know to help him. He needs more than just a nurse, he needs peace and quiet and somebody that cares about him.”

He must have forgotten for a second that I was there in the room, too, because he said, “I’ll move Heaven and Earth for Starsky. With me he’s not just another patient recuperating.”

Hutch was going to be there for me and God knows I needed him, his love, and his support. I was terrified of what lay ahead and Hutch was my barrier against that terror.

He was also my hope for my future. He corrected me on that one…

“It’s ‘our’ future, partner. ‘Our’ future.”

Always has been just ‘Me and Thee’.

We will survive this, I know that now. But, Oh, those damn pills… Antibiotics, blood thinners, pain killers… The kitchen counter looked like a mini pharmacy.

He made sure I took my pills on time and he was there when some of those pills made me sick as a dog. He would hold me so gently when all I could do was throw up and then throw up some more. He would wipe my face, clean me up as best he could and settle me down in bed.

It hurt me so bad from those bouts of heaving my guts out that he’d sit down beside me on my bed and rub my back with one hand and the other would massage my chest and abdomen. He would do it for as long as I needed him to.

When you’ve been all shot up and stitched back together like I was, it hurt like hell to get sick like I did.

I remember the day I started on this one particular blood thinner. Neither one of us was prepared for the nasty reaction I would have. We had just finished dinner and Hutch was washing the dishes and I was lying on the couch watching the nightly news.

He had given me the pills before we ate. Take it from an expert most of these damn pills you do not want to take on an empty stomach. Ask me, I’m getting to be an expert.

All of a sudden I started feeling bad, I started to shake all over and I couldn’t stop. It felt like the temperature in the room had dropped twenty degrees, I was so cold. Hutch looked over at me and he instantly knew that something was very wrong. I couldn’t stop the shakes and I was so cold. I hurt all over.

He dried his hands on his jeans and hurried over to me and leaned down beside me by the couch. “Hey, buddy, talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”

I could hardly talk I was shaking so bad. “Can’t stop shaking,” I told him and I’m so cold, so cold.

He helped me to sit partially up on the couch and I used him as a pillow to lean back on.

“Oh, Hutch, I’m so cold.”

He grabbed the afghan off the back of the couch and wrapped me up in it and he wrapped his arms around it and me, and he just held me until the shaking stopped.

Eventually I started to warm up some.

“You, okay now?” he asked.

I nodded my head.

He looked at me and when he was convinced things were getting better he reached for the phone and dialed my doctor’s emergency number. He left a message.

We got a call back a few minutes later from Doctor Kellerman. After Hutch told him what had happened he confirmed what Hutch and I had suspected, I just couldn’t take this particular drug…so tomorrow we’d try another one.

The next day Doctor Kellerman’s head nurse, Maryanne, who had been my main nurse at the hospital, called to see how I was doing and to tell me that another prescription would be waiting at my pharmacy. I was to throw away those other pills. No problem, Hutch had tossed them already last night.

Hey, come to think of it when I turned down that offer of part time nursing help I still sometimes wonder if it might have proved interesting at times. Just a thought, I told myself.

I was so whacked out on drugs that even if my mind could remember what it was that my body wanted to do my body wouldn’t be able to pull it off…that particular part of my anatomy was still in a coma…damn those pills.

Oh, but a guy can dream, can’t he?

When I told Hutch what I had been thinking he said, “Well, you must be getting better, pal.”

On to something much lighter and to me, downright funny…and you notice I said funny to ‘me’, not to Hutch.

Doctor Kellerman was concerned about how much weight I’d lost from the shooting and during this particular doctor visit he suggested to Hutch and me that the fastest way for me to start gaining some of that weight back was for me to eat anything that I wanted.

I damn near lost it right then and there because the look on Hutch’s face was priceless.

“Oh, God,” he said and shook his head and groaned. “Doc, do you know what you just said?”

Doctor Kellerman gave him a questioning look.

I, on the other hand just sat there looking like the ‘Curly-haired Cherub’ that I am.

Hutch glared at me and I knew that look meant…’Don’t you say a word’.

I didn’t. I put on the most innocent face I could manage.

“Let him eat anything he wants.”

Hutch just shook his head.

“Cold pizza, root beer, tacos, burritos, enchiladas…ice cream, cookies…Oreo’s, the double-stuff ones,” I said to no one in particular.

“Doc,” Hutch said, “you just don’t know how bad his eating habits are.” Then he looked over at me and said. “Ya, know, Starsk I think you are enjoying all this.

I had a very contrite look on my face or so I hoped.

Well, at least for the meanwhile until I had gained some weight back I was getting a reprieve from those God-awful desiccated liver, goats milk health shakes that Blondie was planning to feed me.

And now that I am home and on the road to recovery I know that there is many an obstacle ahead of me, and I don’t want to face them just yet. I’m just glad to be alive.

And I am a stubborn SOB, just ask my partner, he’s told me enough times.

And I know now that I will survive this, Hutch won’t let me give up.

So what if I can’t jump over all those obstacles. He says, “Starsk, then ‘we’ will just go around them.”

We’ll tackle any problems if and when they come up and the ‘Me and Thee’ team will tackle them together.

So we will continue to travel the road together, secure in our past and confident of God’s promise for our future.

P.S. Happy New Year Blondie,

Love, Starsk

Happy New Year to you too, gordo,

Love, Hutch

Starsky’s Thoughts #7

He never made me feel that I was a burden to him, he would just say…”You are a gift that was given to me many years ago. And I feel it’s a blessing to be able to care for you, to help you, Starsk, you could never be a burden to me if you tried. How could ‘love’ ever be a burden?”

When Captain Dobey had come over yesterday to talk with us he must have thought that I had fallen asleep on the couch (I still did a lot of that). But I was dozing, not asleep.

He told Hutch he thought that he needed a break from the constant responsibility of taking care of me.

I heard him say, “Sure, I could use a break, but tell me…when will Starsky get a break from all of this?”

The Captain couldn’t answer that.

I smiled to myself and pretended to be asleep…because what Hutch had just said made me glad that I had made it, made me feel safe and loved.

Dobey had come over to tell us that the District Attorney’s office wanted to get depositions from us about our involvement with the Gunther Organization. They were working on putting together an airtight case against James Gunther and or Gunther Industries.

As much as Hutch wanted Gunther jailed forever for shooting me he knew I was no where near up to being questioned. Hutch did not want them anywhere near me. I just didn’t want to talk about the shooting or anything relating to it right now. I wasn’t physically or emotionally up to it and my partner knew it. And I knew that if Hutch perceived anyone or anything to be a threat to me he was fully capable of ripping their heads off.

Ever since the shooting he has been a loose cannon. One that no one in their right mind would want to mess with.

After a ‘discussion’, well that’s what Hutch called it anyway, with the guys from the District Attorney’s office, they had agreed to wait for the last possible moment to take a deposition from me. That would give me more time to come to grips with all that had happened.

And there were still some terrible nights. Nights when the only way that I could sleep was for Hutch to lay down beside me in my bed with his arms around me. He kept the demons away from me and kept my hopes alive. He would not let me give up on myself.

I felt especially down in the dumps today. I didn’t even want company…Hutch was the only one I needed to have around me and the only on I wanted to have around me. With him I didn’t feel the need to put up a front, pretend that everything was just fine…that it didn’t hurt anymore, because, dammit it still did. Today I didn’t feel it would ever be right again. I just didn’t know.

With Hutch I could be myself, I didn’t get embarrassed when he helped me on and off of the john or when he had to get in the bathtub with me because I was still too shaky to be left on my own.

I found myself not wanting to look at myself…I didn’t even want to touch my scars. I could not get myself to wash my chest or stomach.

He did it for me. He’d reach around me and wash my back too because I couldn’t reach that far.

He saw me looking at myself in the bathroom mirror and I tried desperately to hold back the sobs that were threatening to escape me. This mutilated chest and stomach, the image I was looking at in the mirror was me now.

Hutch was leaning against the doorframe…he could read me like a book… I knew that there was no use trying to pretend with him. He saw the despair in my eyes and I just lost it.

I looked over at him. “Oh, God, Hutch…just look at me…I look like some kind of a monster.” I found myself reaching out for him, needing him to hold me, to comfort me like no one else could. “Hutch, please, just hold me.”

He gave me something my painkillers could not. He gave me peace of mind. No one has ever cared for me the way that Hutch does.

He just said, “Sure, babe.” He knew I needed that closeness. “Aww, Starsk, you are not a monster…you are still my best friend and still my partner and a chest full of scars can’t change that.”

Well as usual after dumping on him I felt a whole lot better about myself and what had happened. He kept his arm around my shoulder as we walked out to the living room.

And for every little thing that I accomplished, no matter how small he would praise me for it. Even if it was for the first time that I was able to go to the john by myself or able to get up off of the couch all by myself.

Maybe things would really be ok again.

I had choices to make and I chose to believe that I would survive this. Hutch has chosen to believe in me…and we believe in us.

“Hey partner, you feel better now, you gonna be okay?”

“Yeah,” I said. “Hey, Hutch…thanks for always being here for me.”

“Anytime Starsk, anytime. Now it’s past dinner time, what do you think you would like to eat?”

I thought for a minute.

“Mexican,” I said, “one of those sample platters from ‘El Toro’ down on Pico Boulevard. You know the one I’m talking about?”

“Oh, yeah,” he said, “I’m afraid I do.”

It wasn’t long before Hutch was back home with two huge bags from the restaurant.

“Here you go,” he said as he handed me the biggest bag. “All right, burrito boy…one deluxe sample platter coming up…two burritos, two enchiladas, four tacos, nachos, and a large side order of refried beans.”

Instead of Hutch sitting down to eat his dinner he walked over to the greenhouse door and pushed it wide open. Walked around to all the windows in the kitchen area and the living room and opened them all up, too.

I said, “Hey, what are you doing that for?”

“Look, Starsk…remember me…your partner, the one that has had to spend countless hours trapped in a car with you after you ate a dozen or more tacos and chased then down with a cup of refried beans.” Then he pulled a small bag out of his jacket pocket. “Here, this is for you.”

I looked down at the box he had put in my hand.

“BEANO… What’s this for?”

 

Starsky’s Thoughts #8

Hutch had gone next door to Kiko’s house to help Kiko’s mother move some furniture, I was on the couch watching ‘more’ TV. I couldn’t do much of anything else anyway.

I had been out of the hospital for a couple of weeks and I still was as weak as a puppy, shaky as hell and so unsteady on my feet that Hutch would not let me even try to get up off the couch, or out of the bed without him being there to steady me.

It made me mad at times to be so totally dependent on him but I still had so little strength. I really did need his help and I knew that he gave his help willingly.

When I did try to do a little bit of something by myself I usually got lightheaded and winded so fast that I would almost pass out.

Doctor Kellerman had told me that it would take quite a while for me to start to feel better and to regain my strength but I couldn’t imagine it being this slow, or taking this long. But at least I was alive.

Thank God for my partner. He was always there.

Hutch had phoned me from Kiko’s house and asked if I minded some company; said that Kiko’s mom was worried about the new friend of Kiko’s that he was starting to spend a lot of time with.

For some reason Hutch wanted the kid to meet me. I had no problem with that, but I didn’t know what was so special about meeting me.

Hutch had hinted around that if this kid kept on the course he was taking he’d land in Juvenile Detention or worse, end up dead. He had an attitude problem and for some reason Hutch thought that talking to me would help. Didn’t see how but I was willing to give it a try.

I tried to sit up on the couch some but I couldn’t get comfortable at all and I gave up. I lay back down.

The front door opened, and in came a boy of about fourteen, wearing a gang bandana and shirt. The ‘I’m bad attitude’ written all over his face.

Kiko and Hutch followed him into the living room area and Hutch pointed Kiko in the direction of the kitchen. Hutch and ‘the bad attitude’ came over to me on the couch.

“Starsk, this is Billy, Billy this is my partner, Dave Starsky.”

He gave Billy a push in my direction and motioned for Billy to sit down in the chair closest to the couch.

The kid greeted me with a reluctant, “Hello. You’re a cop, too, you’re Hutch’s partner, Kiko told me. Told me you got shot, man. Said you almost died. That true? You don’t look so dead to me.”

(Smart-ass is what I wanted to say) but all I did was look up at Hutch, we were thinking the same thing. This kid ‘was’ headed for ‘Juvie’ if his attitude about life didn’t change pretty damn quick.

“They used some kind of a machine gun on you. Wow. Far out.”

Now, I used to be the one picking up strays all the time. Hutch used to kid me about it.

“Yeah, Billy, I did get shot, doesn’t really matter what kind of gun did it, bullets can kill and I almost did die.”

I saw Hutch close his eyes and breathe in a deep breath at my last comment. My shooting had taken a tremendous toll on my partner and he was far from over it.

“You run with the ‘Red Scorpion’s?” I asked him.

He was surprised that I recognized the bandana’s colors and the lettering on his shirt that were trademarks of the gang. “Thinkin’ about it…if they’ll let me join them. Yeah.”

I knew this gang was hard core, into guns and knives. There were probably some unsolved assaults and maiming and maybe even a murder or two that they had been either directly or indirectly involved in, bad stuff.

“Billy, you ever see what a bullet does?”

“Whatcha mean, man? Sure, I seen plenty, I ain’t no kid.”

I pushed the afghan off of me and onto the floor. I only had on a tee shirt and sweat pants under it.

“Let me show you something.”

I pulled up my tee shirt as far as it would go and pushed down my sweat pants far enough that the bullet wounds and scars from the bullets were easily visible.

“My back looks worse where the bullets exited. I can show you that, too.”

They looked ugly; they were still red and in some places swollen and bruised, all black and blue. The hundreds of stitches stood out against my skin screaming their message of destruction and near death.

The stitches on my stomach went clear down past where I had pulled my sweat pants. The area was bruised and still very painful. My chest was just as bad, if not worse still black and blue with stitches everywhere.

There were indentations where the bullets had torn into my flesh. More angry stitches, souvenirs of the surgeon’s handiwork that had saved my life.

Scared me to look at them.

I saw the wide-eyed look in Billy’s eyes as he took in the sight of my body in front of him. I took hold of his hand and placed it on the worst of the scars and made him feel how the stitches and scars felt. He tried to pull back but I held his hand for a minute or so.

I saw Hutch watching me from the corner of my eye; he had his arm around Kiko’s shoulder.

“They hurt Billy, they hurt like hell…not a pretty sight is it? There’s no blood now, but do you know that I lost most of my blood supply on the floor of the police garage? If it hadn’t been for the quick first aid that my partner gave me immediately after it happened, I’d have bled to death in less than five minutes. One of the bullets blasted my lung apart. I was drowning in my own blood, I could barely breathe.”

I let go of Billy’s hand, and it just dropped down by his side. I hoped that I had scared the kid out of any thoughts of joining the ‘Red Scorpions’. Maybe if he saw firsthand what bullets can do in the wrong hands…?

“I…I…gotta go…” Billy was backing out of the door.

Hutch held his arm around Kiko’s shoulder. “Let him go Kiko, he has a lot to think about.” Hutch turned his attention to me. He picked up the afghan and covered me back up with it after pulling down my tee shirt and pulling up my sweat pants. “Starsk, you okay? Partner, I can’t believe you did that, I mean showed him the way you did…that had to be awfully hard for you.”

“Maybe it’ll help some, make him think twice before he hooks up with any gang, I sure hope so,” I said.

“Starsk, I saw the look on his face, I don’t think he is going to go anywhere near any gang, not after what he just saw. All I expected you to do was talk to him…I never thought you would be able to show him like that…I am so proud of you, partner.”

Kiko came over to me. “Starsky, Hutch is right. I think that is just what Billy needed, an attitude adjustment like the one you just gave him.”

“I hope so Kiko. I hope so. Hey, you think since I am the ‘hero-of-the-day’ here that one of you could fix me a huge bowl of ice cream?”

“Which flavor do you want this time, Starsk? Rocky road, Strawberry shortcake, rootbeer riot…?

“How about all of ’em?”

Starsky’s Thoughts #9

We left the doctor’s office; Hutch helped me into the car and reached around me to fasten my seat belt for me. I still couldn’t do something as simple as that because I could not lift my arms up that far and twist around like that to reach for the seat belt…it just hurt too much.

Hutch got in the driver’s seat and we drove away from the doctor’s. I looked at the prescription slips that I held in my hand. Doctor Kellerman had changed two of them to lower dosages, discontinued one of them that I had been taking but gave me yet another one to replace that one. It kinda depressed me to think of all the medicine I was still taking and would be taking for a long time to come.

Hutch picked up on my thoughts, he knew me so well.

“Hey Partner, you’re getting there, we just have to give it time. Doctor Kellerman is really pleased with the progress you’re making.”

He glanced over at me.

“Yeah, I guess, now I can walk across the room without falling flat on my face…damn, I’m just so tired of this, I just want to get better. I want things to be like they were for us Hutch, I miss that.”

Hutch’s hand reached across the seat of the car and found mine. He squeezed it gently.

“Starsk, there will always be an ‘us’.”

“That’s not gonna ever change, because we’re not gonna let it.”

How did he always know just the right thing to say to me?

“I know Partner, and I believe you.”

“Starsk, we need to fill those prescriptions you have there. I’ll take you home and go back out to the pharmacy. Should take me less than an hour and in the meantime you can stretch out on the couch and take a nap, rest some.”

“I got a better idea, why can’t I come with you to the pharmacy? Hutch?”

“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, Starsk. You haven’t rested since breakfast.”

“Aww, come on Hutch…you just said it would take less than an hour…and I never get to go anywhere but to the doctor’s office and home…pleesseeeee?”

Okay, David Michael Starsky, gonna have to pour it on thick here…he could still just take you straight home and you couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

“Hutch, I want to go ‘with’ you. Come on, say yes, please?”

“Oh, all right, but just to the pharmacy and then straight home and no ‘other’ side trips Gordo, so don’t even try.”

Good, I still knew how to get to Blondie.

“Yes Mom, I promise to be good.” I gave him my best smile.

He just smiled back at me and shook his head.

“You know Starsk, one of these days I’ll learn how to say ‘no’ to you.”

Not if I can help it, I thought to myself. I was barely able to hide another smile threatening to break out on my face.

Hutch found a parking space fairly close to the front of the pharmacy. He let me set the pace from the parking lot to the store. I remembered my Grandmother walking like this, but she was over eighty years old, I wasn’t even forty yet and I felt like an old man. I welcomed the arm that came to settle around my waist, I put mine on top of his for support.

Hutch had his other arm under my left elbow. All of a sudden the store looked like a million miles away from the parking lot.

“Starsk, if you need to stop just say so, you hear me? We’ll just take our time.”

“I will Hutch, I will…just please hang on to me, okay?”

“You bet, Partner…don’t intend to let go…not now…not ever.”

Anytime that I walked more than a few feet at a time I was reminded of just how much damage my body had sustained. I could feel every stitch, every incision and every bullet would, felt like razor sharp knives pushing and pulling at my skin, digging deep into my body.

It was a blinding sort of pain, at times it almost made me pass out, it was so raw and so acute to the point of taking my breath away. And then there was my lung that had been blasted apart by the bullet’s impact, it had been stitched back together but it was still a major concern, it was so slow in healing and I got winded so damn fast. I was already feeling this way after only a short distance from the car.

Damn this, I was already almost out of breath and I knew I needed to stop for a minute or so to help my breathing.

“Hutch, can you give me a minute, please?”

I could feel the sweat on my brow and I knew that Hutch saw it too.

“Sure, Buddy, lean into me and let me take most of your weight, okay? Starsk, maybe we should go back to the car…I’ll take you…”

I interrupted him before he could finish.

“No! No, dammit Hutch, I can do this!”

We stood in the parking lot and I leaned back into Hutch and closed my eyes, we probably stood there like that for a good four or five minutes before I felt like the lights weren’t going to go out on me and my legs would hold me up on their own. I would not admit to Hutch, but maybe this wasn’t one of my better ideas.

So before I lost my nerve, I said, “let’s go Blondie, it’s now or never, Swweethart.”

In a quiet and compassionate voice Hutch said to me.

“You sure Babe, you don’t have to prove anything to me, you know that?”

“Yeah, I know that, but it’s not you I want to prove something to, it’s me Hutch, I have to try.”

He shook his head at me.

“You can be so stubborn at times, you know that, what am I gonna do with you, huh?”

“Got that from you, Hutchinson.”

~~~~~~~~

By the time we reached the pharmacy window I was looking around for a place to sit down. I saw a row of chairs that were for pharmacy customers who were waiting for their prescriptions to be filled. I was more than grateful to see a few empty ones. I dug the prescription slips out of my shirt pocket and placed them on the counter. The pharmacist looked at the name on the prescriptions.

“Well, well, so I finally get to meet you, David.”

“My name’s Ben. This is a pleasure David; I’ve gotten to know your partner here quite well these last couple of months. Glad to see you up and around again, how are you doing?”

I couldn’t tell him the truth, that I was beginning to feel lightheaded and my legs were slowly but surely dissolving into Jell-O.

“Nice to meet you Ben, I’m getting there…thanks to Blondie here…he won’t let me lift a finger, does everything for me. If it weren’t for him I wouldn’t be here today.”

Hutch was standing behind me. I felt his hands gently settling on my shoulders.

“He’s a fighter Ben, He’ll be just fine, I just have to keep convincing him to give it time. I’m real proud of this guy.”

Hutch squeezed my shoulders. I liked all this chitchat but by now I really ‘needed’ to sit down for a while.

I nodded at the prescription slips. “Need to get these filled.”

“David, are you sure you’re all right? Why don’t you sit down in one of those chairs over there,” Ben said.

Hutch’s concern for me was instant. He moved his arms from around my shoulders and put his arms under my arms and stood behind me supporting most of my weight. I knew he could feel my body shaking.

“Oh, God, Starsk, I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking…you should be sitting down not standing here like this. Come on Buddy.”

He helped me over to the nearest chair and sat me down in it. I was grateful to be off my feet. My stomach was suddenly doing flip-flops from all the exertion.

“Starsk?”

Hutch really looked worried now.

“Can I have a drink Hutch, I feel kinda sick to my stomach? A soda, can you get me a soda?”

“Sure Babe, just take me a minute, I’ll get you one…just stay put, okay?”

“I ain’t going nowhere,” I told him.

He patted my arm.

“Ben, would you make sure he’s okay until I get back? I need to get him a drink.”

The pharmacist came from behind the counter after handing his assistant my prescriptions.

“Sure Ken, go get the drink.”

Hutch sprinted off in the direction of the drink machine.

“I’m surprised Ken let you come here with him.” Ben said. “I didn’t think you would be up to much walking, Ken said you just got out of the hospital a little over a month ago.”

“It wasn’t his idea, I talked him into it, dumb huh?”

I looked up at the pharmacist.

“Just wanted to do something sort of ‘normal’ again, I’m so tired of feeling so bad all the time, and this has been so hard on Hutch…always being there for me.”

“Won’t let anyone else stay with me, thinks he’s the only one that can take care of me. Truth is, no one takes better care of me than he does. But sometimes I wish he could get a break from all of this. He’s got no life outside of taking care of me.”

Ben looked at me.

“That may be true David, but from what I know about Ken he wouldn’t have it any other way. You mean the world to him, David, I know that much. Every time he is in here all he does is talk about ‘Starsk this, and Starsk that’. Or, what the two of you are gonna do when you get better. It’s always ‘us’ this or ‘we’ are gonna do this. Sure this is rough on him but it would be even rougher on him if he didn’t have a way to help you through this, I don’t think he could handle that. David, do you know that when he comes in here he tells me about the progress that you are making, no matter how small it may be whatever new thing that you are able to do again the man’s face lights up when he talks about it

I saw Hutch hurrying back to us. He crouched down in front of my chair.

“Here Starsk, got you a root beer.”

He popped the top on the can for me and handed me the drink; putting it in my shaky hands wrapping his hand around my two. That kept me from spilling the drink. The root beer did help settle my stomach.

Hutch just stayed crouched down in front of me watching me sip the drink.

“Hey, you feeling any better now? Did the drink help?”

I smiled at him. “Yeah, the drink helped. Thanks partner. I didn’t mean to scare you like that, but all of a sudden I just felt really lousy and my legs felt like Jell-O.”

Hutch got up and sat down in the chair next to me. He put his arm around my shoulders.

“So glad you’re here with me, Starsk, just so glad.”

When he looked over at me I could see the barely contained tears in his eyes.

“Glad I’m here too, partner.”

Hutch slowly shook his head.

“I just want to help you get well again Starsk, it is so hard seeing you hurt like this…and there is so little I can do about it.”

I offered him the root beer.

He took a few sips and handed it back to me. I leaned my head back against Hutch’s arm.

I felt safe and secure and I damn sure felt loved. In a few minutes Ben had the prescriptions ready for me. Hutch helped me out of the chair and over to the window at the counter. I reached for my wallet.

“How much this time?” I asked Ben.

When he told me the total my heart sank, I didn’t have to look in my wallet to know that I didn’t have close to that much in it. I leaned against the counter and shook my head… “I…I…do you think maybe you can give me just enough pills for now?”

Hutch cut me off. “Starsk, it’s okay. Ben, ‘we’ve’ got it covered.”

Hutch took his wallet out. I pushed mine in his direction. I watched as he took some bills out of my wallet slide it back over in front of me and reached into his own wallet for the rest of the money.

“Here you go Ben, this should do it.”

I didn’t even have enough money these days to pay for my own prescriptions…oh, sure I would get most of it back when I filed the medical claims forms but for now…this really sucked. Hutch knew what was going through my mind.

“Starsk, it’s okay, it really is…no big thing.”

I could barely choke out the words, “Thank you, partner.”

~~~~~~~~

The pharmacist filled my prescriptions, different sizes and colors of pills, different size bottles. There were these and there would be more of these to come, but the one prescription that couldn’t be dispensed was standing right beside me. Hutch was truly the only prescription that I could not do without, the only one that I would always need.

And if you could bottle that, it would read…’Rx for D. M. Starsky…one…Ken Hutchinson.

‘
Starsky’s Thoughts #10

Now I knew that I had to tell Hutch. I had been hoping it would go away on its own.

It happened for the first time last night right before I went to bed, then again this morning…there was blood in the toilet bowl from where I had just taken a leak. I didn’t even want to think of what was causing it; but I knew that I couldn’t ignore it either. And I was getting just a little bit scared.

“Hutch, hey Hutch.”

“I’m in the kitchen Starsk.”

When I didn’t answer him I heard the water in the sink turn off and Hutch calling out to me.

“Starsk, what’s up? You need something?”

Yeah, I thought to myself, a way to turn back the clock to the time before Gunther.

“I’m in the john…Hutch, I think I got a problem…”

I heard my partner’s steps quicken as he made his way from the kitchen to the bathroom.

“Starsk?”

I saw the questions on his face. I hadn’t moved away from the toilet bowl. He looked from me to the unflushed contents of the bowl and his face paled at the sight of the blood that had mixed in with the water. When Hutch turned around his face was almost as pale as mine, new fears of the unknown radiating from his every feature.

“When did this start? Are you hurting now, any pain?”

He had gently pushed me into a sitting position on the side of the bathtub, his fingers kneading my shoulder.

“Starsk? Why didn’t you tell me last night?”

“Hutch it didn’t hurt and I hoped it would stop, just go away. I didn’t want to worry you. Happened just once before like I said, last night and now this morning.”

My partner crouched down in front of me and ran his hand through my curls and down around the back of my neck and held it there–this hand that could wield deadly force with his magnum was gently rubbing my neck. His tone of voice was quiet and soothing to me, but none the less I could tell he was scared.

I nodded in the direction of the toilet bowl trying to avoid looking at the water, which was laced with ribbons of red. I had about used up my quota of courage for today and was beginning to get scared.

“Hutch, I’m kinda scared.”

“Easy partner, it’s gonna be okay. Let’s get you dressed and then we’ll go to see Dr. Kellerman. He’ll know what to do. But for now, I don’t want you moving around too much until we know what is causing this.”

He led me into my bedroom and made me sit on the edge of my bed while he quickly went through my dresser for jeans, shirt and socks.

“Hutch, I don’t want to have to go back to the hospital.”

Hutch stopped what he was doing and looked over at me.

“Buddy, that is the last thing that I want too. Let’s not think like that, unless we have too. Let’s see what the doctor has to say first.”

He wouldn’t even let me dress myself. He slid my jeans on each leg, put my arms in my shirt and buttoned it up. As he helped me to stand up, he pulled my jeans up all the way. I stopped him at the zipper.

“Hutch, I’m okay. It doesn’t hurt anywhere, honest.”

He let me finish getting dressed by myself. He held my socks and shoes in his hands and I sat back down on the edge of the bed so he could put them on for me. It took him a couple of tries to get the laces tied because his hands were shaking some. Stopping only long enough for Hutch to put on his gun and holster and to grab his jacket and mine, we headed for the doctor’s office.

When we arrived at the office, Hutch found me a seat, made sure that I was settled, patted my arm and headed for the receptionist at the front desk and explained why we were here. He came back and stood by my seat, I think he was too worried and nervous to sit down himself. Only a few minutes had elapsed.

“Ken, bring David back here, Doctor Kellerman will be right with him.”

Maryanne, Doctor Kellerman’s nurse was the nurse I had at the hospital most of my stay, she opened the door to an examining room for us.

“David,” she said. “Everything will be just fine, you’ll see, Doctor Kellerman wouldn’t let anything happen to his favorite patient. Don’t you worry about a thing.”

She squeezed my hand and winked at me. She had been so good to me while I was in the hospital; her words always had a calming effect on me; but Hutch just smiled at her and didn’t appear to be anymore assured than the moment we had come in.

After helping me to get up on the examining table, Hutch absently ran his hands through his hair. I reached out to him.

“Hey, Partner…are ‘you’ okay? Hutch?”

He shook his head, “Starsk, you don’t know what it ‘feels’ like, I am still so scared for you.”

After a long and shuddering sigh, “Sorry, I’m supposed to be the one that is strong here and I’m falling apart.”

My hands reached for his but before I knew it Blondie was hugging me as hard as he dared.

God, my partner had not been hurt physically from any bullets but he had lived through seeing me gunned down in front of him…had been there when the doctors told him I was injured too badly to survive the night. He wouldn’t, or couldn’t even talk about the cardiac arrest that had almost claimed my life.

Those months that I had spent in the hospital had left him with scars that neither time nor any degree of recovery on my partner could heal.

“Hey, Blondie, you think that I don’t know you’re still scared? I know you are, we both are, but right now I can only deal with all this one day at a time, ain’t got enough energy for more than that right now. Hutch, we’re both still here.”

“God Starsk, I look at you–all that’s happened to you–and you’re still putting my feelings before your own. It’s the unselfish way you have of giving of yourself…it…it just blows me away at times. Like right now, you are sitting here a lot calmer than me waiting for Doctor Kellerman to tell you, God-knows-what, and you still manage to worry more about me–how I’m dealing with all this. How do you do that? I love you partner, and I want to see you free of all this, free of what Gunther’s bullets did to you.”

“I know that Hutch, believe me I know that.”

Whoa there, David Starsky, this is getting close to one of those soapy scenes, any minute we’re gonna see the suds.

“Hey, whatever’s wrong can’t be all that bad, nothing hurts more than usual, that’s got to be a good sign; I’ll be okay Hutch. Hutch?”

My partner shook his head from side to side and when he looked at me I could see his eyes were brimming over with unshed tears.

“Starsk, you’re one in a million. How do you always know just what is the right thing to say to me?”

“Practice, Blondie, practice, years of it.”

We were interrupted by the doctor walking into the room.

“Morning Ken, morning David, Maryanne reminded me that this is not a scheduled appointment, said you had a problem. She says you experienced some bleeding last night and again this morning, but that there wasn’t any pain associated with it.”

“Yeah, it didn’t hurt, but the bleeding did worry me some.”

“We thought it best that you check him out considering the circumstances and all,” added Hutch.

“Yes that was a wise move, we don’t want to leave anything to chance. David take off your jacket and shirt and unsnap your jeans. I want you to lay down on the table so I can examine you.”

Lay down on the table, oh shit…that usually means that I am going to get poked and prodded and that always hurt like hell.

Hutch helped me off with my jacket and shirt as I unsnapped my jeans. I was able to lay down on the table with minimal help from my partner.

“David I am going to be as easy on you as I can, but I have to put some pressure on the incisions and the wound sites and it’s probably going to hurt you. You have to lie still for me, that’s important, I’ll be as quick as I can. Can you do that for me?”

I looked down at my chest and stomach.

“Do whatever you have to do Doc, some stuff still aches really bad though.”

“I know David, believe me I know.”

No truer words had ever been spoken, no one knew better than this man. He had been the one to cut me open searching for the killer bullets that had ripped into my body and the one that had removed them and sewn me back up and put be back together as best he could.

“Okay now David, try to relax, and if you want to, hang unto your partner.”

Hutch moved as close as was possible to me and I reached my hand up to his and held on.

His other hand began to slowly rub my shoulder.

“I’m right here Starsk, just hang on to me, and if helps, close your eyes.”

My body jumped involuntarily as my doctor’s skilled fingers made their way down the path of destruction on my chest and abdomen. I felt him gently but firmly pressing down on each wound site. So far it wasn’t all that bad just very uncomfortable. But then he put pressure on one of the lower wound sites and a blinding pain shot through me like a knife. My free hand reached out at the offending one to push it away.

“Oh God, Oh God, hurts, that hurts…please stop.”

Doctor Kellerman kept the pressure on and his fingers probed some more in the same area until I didn’t think that I could stand it another second; then the pressure and pain began to subside to a more tolerable level.

“Sorry, David but I had to be sure. I know that had to hurt you but it had to be done. I had to know what’s going on.”

Right now speech was beyond me; I closed my eyes and tried to blink back the tears that had formed in my eyes. My heart felt like it was gonna jump out of my chest. Comforting hands replaced the ones that had caused the recent pain; Hutch’s hands. He was standing over me with a stricken look on his face. At times I think he feels my pain as acutely as I do. He was standing over me, my own hand still gripping his and my other hand clenched around the upholstery of the examining table.

“Easy Babe, you did good. Doc’s all done now. You okay?”

Hutch’s soothing tone of voice and his gentle and caring hands were helping to ease the aches and pains that the examination had caused. I could feel a hand slowly working it’s way through my curls. It felt good and I allowed myself a few precious seconds to soak it all in before I opened my eyes and answered him.

“It’s getting better Hutch.”

That was all I managed to get out. I closed my eyes again and listened to Hutch talk to Doctor Kellerman.

“What do you think is wrong, Doc?”

Hutch had kept one hand on my shoulder steadily rubbing it.

I kept my eyes closed, my body was drained of all energy but I felt safe knowing Hutch was close by.

“There is definitely some swelling around that one wound site, most likely there’s a small tear in some of the repair work. Not all that unusual at all taking into account the extent of David’s injuries. Usually these things heal themselves and the swelling goes down and then the bleeding stops. I don’t see any need at the moment to hospitalize him.”

I realized my doctor was talking to Hutch. I found my voice at the words, ‘hospitalize him’.

“No hospital, Doc, I’ll do whatever you say. Hutch’ll make sure I behave, right Hutch?”

I looked up at my partner, God how I dreaded the thought of being hospitalized again even if it only would be for a short time.

“David, slow down son, I only said that the hospital was an option. There is no reason that you can’t go home.”

I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Ken, take him home. David, no stairs except the ones into your house, no stooping down, no bending down, no stretching. I want you to either spend your time in bed or on the couch, anything aside from that you let Ken help you. Now if the bleeding doesn’t start to diminish a little each day or it gets any worse or you start experiencing pain when you urinate don’t come here, go straight to Memorial and have them contact me. Understood?”

At this last statement from my doctor my eyes shot open. “But you said…”

“David, I think everything will be just fine but I have to make you aware of the possibilities, however remote. I’m not trying to scare you. Do what I say and you’ll be just fine. We’ve come this far, I’m not about to let anything happen to you. Ken, go on now, take him home and ‘please’ make sure he follows my instructions to the letter and I’ll see you in one week for a follow up visit David.”

“He will Doctor, I’ll make sure of it, and thank you, thank you so much.”

With Hutch’s help I got down off of the examining table and put my shirt and jacket back on.

“You okay there partner?”

“Yeah, just a little shaky and real damn sore.”

I rubbed the area where the doctor had found the swelling.

“Starsk?”

“Give me a minute, Hutch.”

It hurt to straighten up all the way and I knew that Hutch knew by the way I was standing hunched over. A strong arm wound around my waist and supported most of my weight as I slowly straightened up, his other arm was under my elbow for additional support. It was slow going but we finally made it to the car, I didn’t feel all that good right now and my legs felt unsteady but I knew that Hutch wouldn’t let me fall.

By the time we got back home all I wanted was to lie down on the couch with a blanket and a soft pillow. I was bone tired and my body still throbbed from the doctor’s examination. I was about to ask Hutch for one of my ‘magic pills’ but he beat me to it.

“Here you go buddy, take one of these and rest, you’ll feel a whole lot better.”

I gratefully took the glass of root beer and popped the little blue pill in my mouth and washed the pill down with a little root beer. Hutch wouldn’t have to worry about me for the next four to five hours once this pill started working.

“Thanks Hutch, and I’m sorry I’m so much trouble.”

“You’re not any trouble Starsk, I could never feel that way, just glad ‘Me and Thee’ are here.”

I drifted off into a peaceful sleep with Hutch playing his guitar and softly singing a familiar song…,

“He Ain’t Heavy… He’s My Brother… so on we go…”

Starsky’s Thoughts #11

Hutch had just finished removing my breakfast dishes from the tray on my lap.

I really hated to have to sit propped up with pillows on the couch, but when I had tried to sit in one of the kitchen chairs, my entire upper body protested by sending white-hot pain shooting through my chest, ribcage, and back. I truly felt as if I would pass out if I had to sit there another minute. Hutch saw my distress and made light of it, telling me I always did like to be waited on, breakfast in bed and all that. From then on, the couch was where I ate all my meals and probably would have to for the foreseeable future.

After putting the dishes in the sink to soak, he walked back over to where I was sitting on the couch carrying a glass of juice along with my morning ‘drug cocktail’– any and all of those pills guaranteed to send me on a trip into another dimension in about an hour’s time. I knew I had a look of disgust on my face, but I was a good boy and swallowed all of them without looking. Hutch took the now empty juice glass from me and gently patted my shoulder.

“Do you want to do this now or rest for a while?” he asked me.

He was pointing to the kitchen table where three stacks of papers were laying.

I knew I had probably an hour before the meds would kick in, and this was something I really wanted to do. I wanted to write out my thank you notes — somehow I was going to try to thank all those people that showed me how much they cared about me after I got shot.

Hutch’s greenhouse had about a dozen more plants now, all gifts that I was given while in the hospital. I had enough magazines and books to keep me busy for sometime, and since my only activity for now was getting out of bed, going to the john, and trying to eat some of the food that Hutch put in front of me, even when I didn’t think I could eat, this seemed like a good time to say my ‘thank you’s.

“I feel okay. I want to at least get started on these, probably fall asleep half way through anyway and, Hutch, don’t forget the stamp and stamp pad. I need that, too.”

Hutch handed me the box of thank you cards and envelopes and then walked over to the desk in the corner of the room. He fished around in the top drawer, took out the stamp and stamp pad and walked over and handed them to me.

“Starsk, are you really going to use that thing? I still can’t believe you got Huggy to get that stamp made up for you.”

With just the right touch of indignation in my voice, I said, “Of course, I’m gonna use it. It’ll make my notes really special.”

“You got that right, Gordo. Only you would think of putting a picture of the striped tomato on your notes and envelopes.”

I inked the rubber stamp and carefully applied the stamp to an envelope and held it up so Hutch could get a good look at it. “This,” I said, “is a work of art.”

He just shook his head at me and tried unsuccessfully to hold back a smile.

“Look, I’m just going to be out in the greenhouse for a while. You need me, just give me a holler. Oh, and here’s a pen to write with, and before you ask, the pen does not write in red.”

“Spoilsport,” I muttered under my breath.

“What was that you said, Gordo?”

“I just said, thank you for the pen.”

With that, Hutch reached out and gently rubbed my shoulder. When he didn’t say anything or make a move to go outside, I looked up at him. He had such a sad look on his face. Once again, Hutch had that haunted look, the look he gets when his mind takes him back to his own private hell — the morning that I was shot. Thinking about that day would turn Hutch’s face white as a sheet. At times like these, he needed to touch me, to be close to me to see that I was really here with him.

“Hey, hey, Hutch, don’t. I’m gonna be okay. I really am and I’m here, you’re here, we’re together, it’ll be okay. The good guys really do win sometimes, you know?”

“Yeah, I know, partner. I know you’re gonna be fine, but if I live to be 140, I don’t think I will ever be able to erase the horror of that day. I came so close to losing you that it almost makes me physically ill. You mean so damn much to me. It’s like you breathe in and I breathe out. I can’t imagine life without you, Gordo, I just can’t.”

If I didn’t change the subject fast, this would turn out to be one pretty depressing day.

“Go have a talk with your green friends out there.” I nodded in the direction of the greenhouse. “Mildred looks kinda peaked to me. I think you’ve been neglecting her.” Mildred was one of the ugliest green things that Hutch had, but he loved that plant, and he about killed me one day when he caught me pouring my leftover root beer into her pot. I never did that again, at least not when he was looking.

Hutch snickered. “Okay, Shakespeare, put the pen to the paper. Mildred awaits me.”

I took the rubber band off the pile of gift tags that Hutch had kept for me. Each one of them had been attached to plants, flowers, magazines, books, a teddy bear, boxes of candies and cookies, and some brownies that Minnie had made for me.

Since I was thinking about Minnie’s brownies, I started writing her thank you note first.

Minnie was one of my favorite people from work. Almost from the first day that we had met each other at the precinct, I had flirted with her and she had returned the favor. Neither one of us had ever taken it any further than that and if she had called my bluff, Hutch had told me that I would probably turn as red as my car. He was most likely right. Guess Minnie was right, too — I really was a ‘trashy boy’. After I was shot, and after I was out of ICU, she came by to see me everyday in the hospital, and when I finally got to go home, she brought over homemade peanut butter brownies and chocolate chip cookies. Although my stomach was giving me a fit with anything I tried to eat, I did enjoy the brownies and cookies even if most of the goodies made reappearances most of the time.

“Starsky, honey, we need to put some meat back on those bones,” she would say.

I thanked Minnie for being Minnie and caring about me like she did, and also told her that just because I was getting well didn’t mean she had to stop with the brownies.

My next note was to the Captain, and this was a hard one. How in the world was I going to thank him for watching out for Hutch like he had, especially in the hours right after the shooting. I know what it would have been like for me if the roles had been reversed — the Captain and Huggy kept Hutch from completely losing it. For that I will be forever grateful to both of them. I did my best to put into words how I felt. The man had always had my loyalty and respect, and if I could give him more of both, I would. On a separate sheet, I wrote to Edith Dobey. Again, I didn’t know just how to say thank you for all that she had done for both myself and Hutch. She came to see me almost everyday, either just to sit with me and listen to me talk or simply reading get-well cards to me. My eyesight was fuzzy at best with all the meds I was on. I probably wouldn’t have recognized my own name most of the time. Right before I was to be released from the hospital, she went over to Venice Place and cleaned the apartment, stocked up the refrigerator with things that both Hutch and I would need. There hasn’t been a day since I’ve been home that she hasn’t called or come over to help out — giving Hutch a chance to get out of the house for awhile and not worry about me. I really owe this lady more than I can ever repay. The Captain is a really lucky man.

Along with those two notes, I had to send something just for little Rosie Dobey. She colored me pictures that she made sure her Dad brought to the hospital, and she told him to ‘get Uncle Hutch to hang these up for Uncle Starsky so he will feel better and won’t be so lonely when everybody goes home at night’. As lousy as I felt most of the time when I was in the hospital, I had to smile whenever I looked up at one of her pictures on the wall of my room. In my note to her, I promised her a day at Disneyland as soon as I was better. Hutch had made sure that all her pictures came home with us from the hospital — three of them are gracing the front of the refrigerator right now, and one is in my bedroom where I can see it when I go to sleep at night.

The next thank you note went to Kiko, Molly, and Kiko’s mother. Kiko’s mom did Hutch’s laundry for him so he didn’t have to worry about that, made sure his plants were watered and that the kids took in the mail at both our places.

The next get-well card that I picked up from the pile was the one from the guys at the precinct. I will never forget how I felt when I opened it up and found a check inside made out to me. They had taken up a collection for me so that I would have money until my temporary sick leave/disability payments started. I’d only get about 60% of my regular salary until I was able to go back to work. The amount of the check was unbelievable. These guys had to have dug deep into their wallets to come up with that kind of money and none of them make a hell of a lot. I should know, I know what Hutch and I make. They had given from the heart, showing how much they all cared about me. I tell you that was a damn good feeling. This time, when I looked at the card, I took the time to read all the names on it. I didn’t see how I could just send one little thank you card. I wanted to send one to each name on the card. Man, there were a lot of names. I was pretty sure I would need more envelopes and cards so I called out to Hutch, “Hey, Blondie, can you come here a minute?”

Hutch turned around at the sound of my voice and walked back into the room and over to me. ”What do ya need, partner?”

“This card from the guys at work, I can’t just send one measly little card, just doesn’t seem right, but I don’t think I have enough cards and envelopes.”

“Starsk, you don’t have to do that. They all know how much you appreciate what they did. One card will do just fine. I tell you what, as soon as you feel well enough, how about we invite them ALL over here one evening for some beer and pizza, and you can thank each one of them then.”

I thought about that and I liked the idea a lot. “Okay, that’ll work, beer and pizza sounds great.”

“Yeah, well, don’t get too excited about the beer part. ‘Root’ beer is as close to beer as you’re gonna get as long as you need to take your medications.”

I looked up at Hutch and smiled. “Yes, Mom, whatever you say.”

Hutch laughed out loud on his way back out to the greenhouse.

I turned my attention back to the pile of cards in front of me.

Then there’s Merl the Earl, the customizing Pearl. What a gruesome sight the Torino must have been when it was towed to his garage. I know the car had to have been a mess — my blood splattered down the side of it and embedded in the shards of broken glass that must have been everywhere. Hutch told me Merl would not take the first dollar from him for the repairs, told Hutch to tell me to get well, that’s all the payment he wanted. Merl acts like he is hard as nails but he certainly has a heart of gold. He’s a class act, that’s for sure.

Although I didn’t get a get-well card from Earl, there was a bill marked paid in full from Merl’s garage briefly outlining the work that had been done on the Torino, and Merl had written on the front of the repair order, “Get well, ‘Starsker.'”

Even the paramedics that attended to me in the police garage came by to see how I was doing. They still call me and two of them came by the other evening to say hello. I wrote a note to the Rescue Squad, but I intended to go see them as soon as I could talk Hutch into letting me venture out. Besides, if they hadn’t been as good at their jobs as they were, I’d have been put in the coroner’s wagon instead of an ambulance.

Oh, man, Huggy. Now, how do I thank Hug? He sat with me in the hospital for hours on end not wanting to leave me alone until Hutch could get there. If he hadn’t been such a good friend, he would have hauled ass after the first visit. I know that I wasn’t the nicest person to be around – – I hurt, I was sick and mad at the world. I was mad at James Gunther and I took it all out on the one person that was nearest, poor Huggy. I remember one day that I spent complaining about anything and everything I could think of and Hug just sat there and smiled at me. I was feeling sorry for myself and I didn’t care whom I said what to. Why he didn’t just walk out of that room and leave me for the nurses and Hutch to deal with, I’ll never know. He would go get me milk shakes, a newspaper, magazines — anything that he thought would make me happy, even though somewhere deep down inside he probably wanted to belt me one.

Don’t honestly know how he could stand being around me when I was like that. Now that I’m home, he has never missed a day coming over and checking on me, seeing if he could do anything for me or to help Hutch in someway. Truth be known, I would love to have a ‘Huggy Bear Special,’ although I’m sure my stomach wouldn’t share the same sentiments. I would never be able to keep it down.

Writing a thank you note to my doctor was probably the toughest of all. What in the world do I say to the man that gave me back my life, fixed what was to all the experts the unfixable. Dr. Kellerman snatched me from death’s door using all the skills and experience he had. A thank you note seems so inadequate. He calls me his miracle patient. Right before I was released from the hospital, he asked me if I would allow him to document my case in one of the leading medical journals, I couldn’t say no. I don’t think I want to read it myself, these last few months have been the hardest of my life, but if something that the Doctor found out by caring for me might help someone else down the line, yeah, that would be great. Also, if my survival and eventual recovery helps even one person through something similar, I could not in good conscience say no.

Along with the doctor’s note, I put in a separate one for his head nurse, Maryanne. She was my nurse from the moment I was brought into the ER to the day I was released. She spent many hours with me, talking with me, holding my hand when I was so miserable that I found myself begging for more pain meds. She would rub my shoulders, wipe the tears from my eyes — tears that I couldn’t control because the pain was so intense I didn’t think I could stand it a minute more. She looked in on me more then she was supposed to, and when she knew that Hutch wasn’t there, she made it a point to stay close to my room as much as possible. I know there had been more than a few times that no matter how hard I tried, I’d get sick as a dog, whether it was breakfast, lunch, or dinner — the meal would make an unwelcome appearance, and she would have to go change my hospital gown, the bed linens, and her uniform. If I hadn’t been so sick during those times, I would have been embarrassed, but I was too sick to worry about it. When I was up and about again, I was going to go to the florist and buy her the biggest and prettiest bouquet of flowers I could find. On her note, I stamped out two Torino’s, everyone else got just one.

About the time I was finishing up Maryanne’s note, I started to really get sleepy — that ‘drug cocktail’ I had taken after breakfast was starting to kick in and my left arm was bothering me, that familiar ache was coming back and with a vengeance. If I didn’t rest and stay still, I would regret it later. I put the pen back on the tray and laid my head back against the pillows and closed my eyes. It didn’t matter what I wanted to do, my body needed to rest. In about five minutes, I would be out for the next two to three hours.

But I forced my eyes open one more time and looked over at the greenhouse at Hutch. He was talking to one of his ‘babies’. When he is messing around with his plants, he looks so relaxed — some of the everyday tensions seem to melt away for a time. I smiled at the look of contentment on Hutch’s face, and maybe for a while, even for just a little while, I hoped he could forget the horrors of that May morning. By now, my eyes had slammed shut on me again, but while my mind was still mostly awake, I thought about thanking Hutch. I knew he didn’t expect me to write him a thank you note, hell, I would have to give him copies of all the ones I had written already and none of them would come close to what Hutch has done for me and continues to do for me on a day to day basis.

If I could give him the universe, I would. How could I ever thank him for being there for me, always being there for me. I hadn’t a clue until one day while I was laying in bed at night unable to sleep. I remembered the day we had walked by this gem and rock shop on Broadway. He had spotted in the window a silver necklace with a moon and star on it. Before we had a chance to go inside and get a better look at it, some young kid grabbed a lady’s purse and we headed off in hot pursuit, necklace forgotten. Or so I thought. He mentioned it a couple more times when we were near Broadway, but each time we started out for the gem and rock shop, something would come up. Hutch isn’t much for buying things for himself, but I knew he really liked that moon and star necklace so I went there one afternoon after work by myself and bought it. I was going to keep it until his birthday, but now it seemed to be just the special ‘thank you’ that I could give my best friend. I couldn’t give him the universe but I could give him the moon and the stars. With that thought in mind, I drifted off to sleep thinking just how blessed that I truly was being one half of ‘ME and THEE.’

The end.