Survival

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A 6-part series of poem and prose about the episode, Survival.

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Survival Pt. 3

he won’t talk about it yet. how scared he was…

i know i’m safe now… but why don’t i feel s-safe?

it’s okay, honey. just rest. (he’s a mess… sunburned and he’s got little bites all over him…)

i know i’m hurt pretty bad. man, i messed up so bad.. again.

(i don’t want him to know how close he came to losing his leg… oh god…)

starsky doesn’t look good either…

(he was severely dehydrated and he had some hypothermia from the cold nights- people don’t realize how cold it gets in those canyons…)

every time i close my eyes… it’s like i’m in that canyon again, alone. i was so…s-scared. especially at n-night… i’ve never been scared of the dark… oh god…

(there are… animals… that roam around, too. he could have never defended himself against… an animal…)

starsky?

yeah, blondie?

could you j-just hold… m-my hand… for a bit?

sure, babe. anything you want.

don’t leave me… ‘kay?

yeah, it’s gonna take a while, buddy. first you have to heal up. then, when you’re back on your feet, we’ll take you out someplace special… and then i’ll show you how much i missed you… god, i missed you… thought i lost you… forever.

i love you, starsk… you know that, right…?

yeah, i know.

 

Survival Pt. 4

he’s sleeping now. or trying to. been home about two days- and by home i mean, here, with me. i can’t sleep because every time i close my eyes, he’s still missing… like i never really found him. or i found him… just not in time.

s-stark…

yeah, babe. i’m here. shh…

he gets nightmares, too. or it takes him the longest time to fall asleep. but he’s exhausted. he doesn’t want to take any of the sleeping aids the docs prescribed for him- i understand that. he’s afraid. of too many things now. too many things…

l-lie down here with me… p-p-lease. it’ll h-help me f-fall asleep…

yeah, sure, hutch.

it will help us both sleep.

 

Survival Pt. 5

there’s no such thing as coming to terms with
or resigning myself to the inevitable outcome
or waiting for morning or holding off for
better weather. there is no such thing as
accepting that all have to die sometime
that everyone’s number comes up
that death is a part of life

there is no such thing as giving up
of even speaking the words out loud
of thinking that all hope is gone
or that i had done everything i could
possibly do to find him

there is no such thing as losing him
and then having to live the rest of
my life without him

there is no such thing.

 

Survival Pt. 6

hutch is back. he just got his cast off. he’s still pretty weak on that leg but he’s scheduled for some physical therapy and i know he’ll work hard on getting back into shape again. you know what he’s doing right now? he’s taking a long, hot shower. he really had a hard time, resorting a lot to sponge baths or soaking as much of himself as he could in the tub. i can hear him singing in there. that makes me happy. but it also makes me a bit… frisky. it’s been a long time, ya know… for both of us. that leg cast was very… awkward. to say the least. it really cramped our styles in the love-making department. hutch really couldn’t maneuver himself with that thing and we just couldn’t find a position that worked for both of us. let’s just say we kissed a lot. i think i’ll surprise him in the shower… we haven’t done that in a long time, too. here i go…

hey buddy… where’d you come from?

you don’t sound… surprised!

well, i was kinda hoping you’d find your way in here…

aw, babe- you were? you know, you could have just invited me in…

yeah, i know…

what, gettin’ all shy on me?

it’s just been kind of hard lately… i mean, i’ve been such a mess, really.

hutch- you were never a mess. you were just… traumatized.

yeah… hey, wanta’ wash my back?

i’d rather wash your front… schweetheart…

ha ha… but really, i could use some help. i’m a bit… unsteady still…

anything for you, darlin’.

so, i’m soapin’ up the washcloth. and hutch’s skin… i can’t tell you what it’s like.. he’s all… wet. and glistening. like a seal in the ocean. the water is just rolling off him in beads, that’s how smooth he is… i kinda’ forget what i’m doin’ for a minute, i just can’t stop staring at him. he gives me a nudge and then he… kisses me. i think to myself, that’s not helping anything here. i put my arms around him and he’s all slippery and he’s got his arms around me and he’s chewin’ a bit on my neck. he knows that drives me crazy.

oh my god…

what baby, what?!

n-nothing… it’s just… god, i m-missed you so… much.

oh, me too, me too, hutch…

and then it’s like… well, we can’t stop. our hands are everywhere, all over each other. our mouths are fighting with one another, who gets to suck, bite, kiss this place, that place first… i back him up a bit so he can lean against the back of the shower. he’s still strong but like i said, he’s still a bit weak.. and then he just… let’s go, let’s me… do anything i want. and there’s nothing that turns me on more than hutch giving up all his control… for me. and there’s nothing more i want to do right now than give hutch the best lovin’ i can. first on the agenda for tonight, i’m gonna remind him how it feels to be finger-fucked and cock-sucked at the same time… let’s hope the hot water holds out!

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