Take Off the Suit

106

Hutch was born to play Captain America, and Starsky was destined to play Iron Man. You might recognize a few other friends in supporting roles as well.

Companion art piece is Variations on a Theme by Suzan Lovett.

 

Originally published in the 2018 SHareCon Zine.

Author’s Notes: Yes, I see Starsky and Hutch everywhere. Everywhere. Hutch was born to play Captain America, the hero of the second World War, defeater of Nazis and all things evil. And Starsky was destined to play Iron Man, genius, billionaire, playboy, etc. etc. Huggy Bear as the Falcon and Dobey as Nick Fury are special bonuses. But if you’re not familiar with it, the Marvel Cinematic Universe can be complicated.

This story references at least two different movies: The Avengers and Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Significant clips: Captain America, who was in suspended animation in the arctic for 70 years, finally “gets” a modern cultural the reference: https://tinyurl.com/zabjanq; Captain America and Tony Stark (Iron Man) argue (Black Widow and Nick Fury can be seen): https://tinyurl.com/p5ul2ut; the Falcon’s first flight shows up at 2:16 in this longer clip: https://tinyurl.com/ybb8nngf; Agent Coulson fanboys over Captain America (uniform reference is made around 1:06: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Tqz5BL_qX8.

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Steven Hutchinson Rogers, better known as Captain America, was born on the Fourth of July in 1918. Lost in the Arctic for seventy years, Cap was still adjusting to modern life in the 21^stt century. Of all the bizarre things he’d had to get used to—giant helicarriers that could transport an army invisibly across the skies, communications systems so advanced they seemed straight out of science fiction, tiny telephones that could show you the sum total of human knowledge in the palm of your hand (not to mention countless hours of cute cat videos!)— the metal-clad man moving right into his very personal space was at the top of the list. More maddening than his lack of privacy in this modern century, or his unwanted celebrity status, worse even than the overwhelming social media he struggled to contend with, Hutch’s most immediate vexation was the super hero they called Iron Man.

David Anthony Stark was an imposing presence even without his Iron Man suit. Brash, wealthy beyond measure, arrogant, conceited—Stark had every one of those less than admirable characteristics. But the one that rattled Hutch the most was this: Stark was hot. So damned hot. His crooked smile, his sparkling cobalt eyes, his uncontrolled mop of curly hair, and his strong shoulders, narrow waist, and gorgeous ass seemed to be on display just for Hutch. Stark did things to Hutch that no other man or woman had ever done. He’d even managed to build his Iron Man suit so it accented the shape of his body, especially the gorgeous curve of his ass! How did he do that? Why did he do that?

Just to get to you, Hutch. Why else? He blinked. Now, who’s conceited?

But there was reasoning behind Hutch’s conceit. He was no ordinary man. He was Captain America, the symbol of all that was good and wholesome for every red-blooded American kid since he had been transformed with Dr. Erskin’s super soldier serum in 1939. How was it this sexy, conceited bastard could raise his normally tempered libido to out of control in seconds just by getting in his face? And Stark loved getting in his face.

Removing his helmet as he entered the conference room, Stark clumped forward until he and Hutch were merely inches apart. Why couldn’t the man give him breathing room? Did Stark know the effect he was having on Hutch? That thought aggravated him even more.

“Hey, that was a fun skirmish,” Stark said, referring to the huge battle they’d just won against an army from outer space. “I really liked that little gymnastic stunt you pulled, Cap. You know the one where you leaped to avoid that death ray and twirled around like an ice dancer before landing lightly on your toes and using your shield to slam the bad guy into next week. That was hot. Where’d you learn that stunt, from Yuri on Ice?” Stark smirked, as if assuming Hutch wouldn’t have a clue as to what the reference meant.

Hutch smirked back. “For your information, I understood that reference.” He stood his ground, refusing, just on principle, to back out of Stark’s personal space.

Stark’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “That’s why I used it. I figured you’d be catching up on all kinds of modern media, especially the hugely popular stuff… with homoerotic content.”

Hutch felt his ears turning red and cursed his fair skin.

“I mean, I didn’t think you spent all that time on social media checking out cute cat videos.”

Hutch’s face flamed. “Better cat videos than porn, like you do.” He hoped that barb scored a hit, then mentally kicked himself  for falling into Stark’s tit-for-tat banter.

Stark positively preened at the comment. “Let’s be specific, old man. Gay porn. While my tastes in the erotic arts are quite eclectic, gay porn is definitely my favorite. Since you’re interested in Yuri, I’d be happy to share my curated special collection of fan art and writing with you—unless reading about actual humans making love—and not cartoon characters like Yuri on Ice—is more than you can handle.”

Damn it. Stark had an answer to everything. “No, thanks. I don’t think that’s an appropriate way for a grown man to spend his time. An obsession with pornography and fanfic is unhealthy.”

“Tsk-tsk. So Victorian. I keep telling you it’s time to take down those 1940s-era health posters in your quarters. The ones that insist masturbation leads to blindness. That self-pleasure leads to degeneracy. That fanfic isn’t real literature. News flash, Cap—sex is healthy. It’s normal. It’s fun. I know that’s an alien concept for you, but you should try it sometime. I’d hate to think of you as a 100-year-old virgin.”

“I’m not a virgin!” Hutch snapped before he could stop himself. “And what if I was? There’s nothing wrong with waiting to find the right person before… indulging in carnal activities! Promiscuity can lead to—”

“Passion. Something you know nothing about. Sometimes I think you never really unthawed, Rogers. A little orgy might be just what your ossified system could use. Besides, why shouldn’t a guy let off a little steam?”

Stark moved even further into Hutch’s personal space. He was so close, the glow from the arc reactor in his chest created a warm blue halo against the bright star on Hutch’s uniform. Instinctively, Hutch wanted to take a step back but the same steely resolve that let him fight face-to-face with monsters from another dimension helped him hold his ground. “You know damn well why. Back off!” he snarled through gritted teeth.

That only made Stark’s smile broader. With a voice dripping with innuendo, he purred, “Oh, I’m starting to want you to make me.”

Stay mad, Hutch ordered himself. Don’t let him get to you. “Yeah,” he said, struggling to put contempt in his voice. “Big man in a suit of armor. Take that off, what are you?”

Stark cocked his head to one side. “Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist—and an amazing lover.”

Could Hutch’s face get any redder? Even worse, he could feel his erection growing. And in this skin-tight suit, there’d be no way he could hide that. A part of his brain wondered again if Agent Coulson’s interest in designing the suit had something to do with that.

Never mind. Hutch’s powerful sexual response was a side effect of the super soldier serum Dr. Erskin failed to warn him about. As was the enhanced size of his penis. Somehow, he knew that wouldn’t scare Stark in the least. He gritted his teeth, but mentally reciting 1942 baseball statistics wasn’t helping.

“I know guys with none of that worth ten of you,” he growled at Stark. “I’ve seen the footage. The only thing you really care about is yourself.” Okay, that helped. Hutch felt a surge of confidence. “Take off the suit. Let’s go a few rounds.”

Stark pitched his voice even lower. “Take off the suit? Go a few rounds with you? Why, Cap, are you propositioning me?”

Hutch blinked, startled. “Huh? Wait…what?”

“I think it might take more than a few rounds to take care of that problem for you, huh, Cap?” Stark glanced pointedly at Hutch’s now prominent erection. “Coulson did a great job with that uniform design!”

Hutch hadn’t struggled with his stutter since he’d had the super serum, but he found himself stammering now. “Th-th-that’s not what I meant! You’re deliberately misinterpreting—”

Stark was so close, Cap could count his eyelashes. God, they were gorgeous eyelashes. No man should have eyelashes like that.

Stark pitched his voice even lower. “Admit it. You can’t take your eyes off me. Not many people can undress me with their eyes when I’m in the suit, but you manage. Don’t fight it, Hutch. It’s bigger than both of us. Or should I use Bogie’s lines from Casablanca to break down the icy wall that keeps us apart?”

Hutch realized Stark had slid a metal-encased arm around his narrow waist, gently urging him closer. He realized, too, that he wasn’t resisting. The suit was powerful, but so was Hutch, and he could break free if he wanted to. Out of the suit, Stark might not be his physical equal, but his compelling personality and mental acuity made him a match for any man.

Believe it or not, it’s kinda hard to find someone with shared life experiences, he’d once told the Black Widow. But he did share life experiences with Stark. They’d fought side by side against an alien horde, and in one of the greatest surprises of the battle, Stark had deferred to Hutch’s military expertise and obeyed Hutch’s orders. Hutch had never seen Stark defer to anyone before.

“I’m not afraid of you, old man,” Stark murmured, glancing down pointedly at Hutch’s erection.

Tongue-tied, Hutch suddenly wished the shield on his back was wedged between them. His heart was racing.

Stark tilted his head and leaned closer, his deep blue eyes sultry and soft as he hesitated just slightly. Hutch mirrored his posture, knowing Stark was about to kiss him. Knowing just as clearly he wanted him to. He closed his eyes—

“STARK! ROGERS!”

Both men leaped apart as Harold Dobey, code-name Nick Fury, barged into the conference room roaring, his long black coat flapping in the whirlwind he created, his trademark fedora perched precariously on his head. His volume and the frequency of his outraged bluster had earned him his code name years ago. Fury turned so he could focus on the two superheroes with his one good eye. “I need reports on the alien invasion on my desk in one hour! And where’s that tricked-out flyboy of yours, Cap? I need a word with him.”

Hutch could see that even Stark was rattled by their interruption as Stark moved away, widening the gap between them. Fury had that effect on everyone. One of his shouts could turn Bruce Banner into the Hulk in seconds.

Stark glanced at Cap meaningfully and nodded, mouthing with his back to Dobey, Later. That told Hutch he wasn’t alone in feeling like he’d been nearly caught in something naughty. He didn’t know if he looked forward to Stark’s promise or dreaded it. Before he could respond to either Stark or Dobey, the “flyboy” in question sailed in on Stark-designed mechanical wings, landing lightly beside them.

“Hey, you two, get a room, will ya?” Huggy Bear Brown, otherwise known as Falcon, chided them. “We’re all pretty tired of surprising you boys every time we turn a corner.”

“Much as I hate to admit it,” Dobey said in a lower volume, “Falcon’s got a point.”

As Black Widow sidled into the room, she picked up the thread of the conversation without a hitch.

How does she always know what’s going on even when she isn’t around? Hutch wondered, not for the first time.

“You need to quit dancing around each other and get it on,” she said bluntly. Not for the first time. “All this flirting and cock teasing is getting old!”

Hutch’s face burned again. Was it obvious to everyone that the two of them were hot for each other? That couldn’t be good for morale… could it? He turned an accusatory glare on Stark, who merely shrugged and gave him a sheepish smile.

“Widow’s right,” Fury snapped, adjusting his eye patch. “You’ve both earned some R&R after today’s battle. I can wait for your official reports in the morning. Except for you, Falcon. I want yours in an hour.”

“If that ain’t typical,” Huggy Bear complained, staring at Hutch. “You two get the boss’s okay for hanky-panky on company time, and I gotta pay the piper.” He pointed a finger at Stark.

Hutch didn’t understand the reference, but Iron Man filled him in. “Uh…Huggy occasionally helped me complete a report… or two… when I was too preoccupied—”

“Cattin’ around with some fly ladies,” Falcon translated.

“Or overtired—” Stark continued over him.

“Sleepin’ off a bender,” Falcon said. “And all these years later, little has changed. Go on. Have your fun. Huggy Bear is here to write it all down and make it all clear.”

Stark rolled his eyes as Hutch scowled.

“Not helping!” Stark said to his oldest friend.

“I don’t want to see you two until the morning,” Fury said loudly, jerking a thumb at the exit. “We’ll meet again and evaluate our response.”

Hutch felt rooted to the spot until Stark gently took his elbow and guided him to the door. “It’ll all work out, Cap. Stop worrying. In fact, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful—”

Hutch wagged a finger in Stark’s face as he walked beside him. “Don’t say it! I get the reference!” Remembering something, Hutch halted for a moment and slid a hand into his pocket. Turning, he handed Dobey a ten-dollar bill. “You were right, Fury.”

Dobey took the bill and broke into an uncharacteristic laugh.

Hutch remembered Dobey warning him that Stark was unlike any other super hero he’d ever met. And Hutch had insisted Stark couldn’t be any stranger than those he’d already seen. Fury had simply said, “Ten dollars says you’re wrong.”

As if he were in on the secret joke, Stark gave Hutch a crooked smile and continued leading him out of the room. “Gotta live up to the rep, don’t I?”

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Hutch muttered as he paced beside Stark as they left the room.

“Y’know,” Falcon called after them before they disappeared. “I do what Cap does, only slower. Just sayin’.”

Stark’s laughter nearly drowned out Cap’s embarrassed groan as they left.