The Bigger Picture

Hutch comes to terms with his feelings with help from a very unlikely source. Set during the events of SR.

This was originally written for ShareCon 2016 Zine.

Everything took on a pinkish hue as the first light of dawn entered his bedroom. Hutch sat up in bed deciding dawn was late enough to get up. Vivid dreams of various troubling scenarios had woken him at near regular intervals all night. Details of his dreams were elusive now, but they all involved life without Starsky and left a hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach.

It had been his first attempt at real sleep in days. It was his first time actually going home for more than mere minutes, first attempt at actually undressing and sliding under covers, first attempt at sleeping without one eye open, right hand on his gun. He hadn’t wanted to leave the hospital, fought it with all he had, but in the end, his body was near collapse.

He was so damned scared to leave, though. After arresting Gunther, he’d felt so positive, only to return to the hospital and find Starsky had taken a turn for the worse. A raging infection and fever to match hit Starsky full force while Hutch had been away. One step forward, two steps back. The doctors still couldn’t give Hutch a decisive answer as to whether or not Starsky was out of danger. Everything with doctors was “we’re doing all we can” and “he’s a fighter to have made it this far” and “we have to give him time” and … of course none of that helped to ease Hutch’s mind. He’d never been this scared in his life.

Hutch vowed never to leave the hospital again, or even leave Starsky’s side again. But when he could no longer stand on his own two feet, couldn’t string words together to make a sentence, or even figure out if it was morning or evening anymore, Dobey and Huggy convinced him he better shape up or he’d be useless when Starsky woke. It touched him they said “when” not “if.” It was one of the reasons he actually listened to them.

Now here he sat in the early dawn light, wondering how long he had to wait to get back to Starsky in order for Dobey and Huggy to believe he’d made an honest attempt at food and rest. They’d promised not to leave the hospital until he returned, just in case, but assured him he’d be escorted out if he returned before morning. Well, it was morning, wasn’t it? And he couldn’t wait any longer.

Hutch reached for the phone next to him, pulled it onto his lap and dialed the hospital. It took a few minutes to finally be connected to Starsky’s nurse who told him that no, there hadn’t been any changes in Starsky’s condition.

“This is a good thing,” she kindly assured him, “since there have been no more spikes in his fever. It is a good sign the infection is under control.”

“Has he woken at all?” Hutch asked.

“He hasn’t. But don’t forget the doctors have him very heavily medicated.”

Hutch thanked her, confirmed that Dobey was indeed still there, and hung up. He returned the phone to the bedside table, then raked his fingers through his hair and closed his eyes. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected to hear, or why her reassurance wasn’t so reassuring. He’d get some coffee, shower, and get back to Starsky as quickly as possible.

The sun was fully up now as Hutch walked, clothed only in briefs, to the kitchen. Passing his wall calendar, he realized, with no great concern, that he didn’t actually know what the date was. How many days had it been since what day it was mattered? How many days since his world collapsed on the pavement, bleeding, struggling for breath, dying in his arms? A time when the numbers assigned to days was important seemed so far away. He ripped the calendar off the wall and stuffed it in the trash.

He set the coffee percolating, then headed for the shower. As cool water dripped down his face he tried to be comforted by what the nurse had told him. But he kept thinking back to when he’d left for San Francisco. Starsky had been awake then, smiling at him. Hutch was able to leave carrying the lightness of knowing Starsky was going to be okay. He just wanted to get there again, to where he could talk to Starsky, to where optimism and hope, not setbacks and fear, drove his thoughts.

The cool water felt good and Hutch admitted to himself that the little bit of sleep and the shower had been a good idea. If he swallowed some coffee maybe he’d actually feel human again by the time he got back. The feeling lasted only until, when reaching for a shirt in his closet, one of Starsky’s landed at his feet. He picked it up, noticing it still smelled like his partner. It smelled like the Torino, like aftershave, like the harmony of their days. He laid it reverently on the bed before continuing to dress.

He drove to the hospital on autopilot, having no recollection of any of the actual parts of the drive. Every stop and every turn was handled by some unconscious mechanism allowing one part of his brain to drive while the other thought only of Starsky. He replayed all the close calls when he’d been so near to losing Starsky, but there had been something he could do to save him. The times when there were cures to find, kidnappers to catch, wounds that wouldn’t be life threatening if he could just get Starsky to a hospital were difficult enough. This time there was nothing he could do but wait. He was utterly powerless. This time was hell itself.

Dobey greeted him in the corridor. “Nurse told me you called. Figured you’d be here soon.” Dobey looked him up and down, then said, “You still look like hell.”

“Gee, thanks.” Hutch answered sarcastically. “I guess it fits since I’m in hell.”

“Did you get any sleep?” Dobey asked.

Hutch looked through the window at Starsky and answered into the glass while his eyes fixed on his partner, looking for changes, looking for hope. “A bit.” His voice was barely above a whisper. “Kept waking up.”

“Least you tried. That’s more than you been doing. Feel any better?”

“I’ll feel better when I can talk to Starsky again.”

“Give him time, Hutch. It’ll happen.”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll be going now. Huggy left a few minutes ago. Call me if anything changes or if you need anything. I’ll be back tonight.”

“Yeah. Okay.”

Dobey started to walk away but Hutch stopped him. “Thanks.” He said. He was, after all, grateful for the support his captain was giving him. “Thanks, Captain.”

“Go ahead in, Hutch. I’m sure he needs you.”

Hutch saw it as the other way around, but he nodded to Dobey anyway and went into Starsky’s room.

Once inside, he carefully closed the door behind him and let out a long, slow breath. A certain peace relaxed him, just being with Starsky again. It was where he needed to be, plain and simple. Approaching the bed, he noticed Starsky looked better than he had the night before, not as flushed. He gently put his hand on Starsky’s forehead and found that it was indeed cooler and he couldn’t help but feel relieved. Maybe the danger really had passed. Maybe the nurse was right and no news was good news.

Hutch sat watching his world. Watching him breathe. Watching him be. He rested his hand over Starsky’s and he could feel the hope returning. When the doctor came in an hour later he was startled out of his thoughts.

“How is he?” Hutch asked him.

Grabbing Starsky’s chart as he rounded the bed to Hutch, he paused to read before answering.

“All things considered, he’s doing remarkably well. Fever is down and has remained down overnight. Vitals look good. The antibiotics are finally doing their thing.”

“Is… Is he out of danger?”

“For right now, yes.” He cleared his throat and continued. “But we have to keep a close eye on him. There are many complications that can arise from these types of wounds.”

“He has been out for so long, when will he wake?”

“As we pull back on some of the medications he will begin to come around.”

Hutch felt relief wash over him. He wanted cry, he wanted to laugh, more than anything he wanted to hug Starsky.

Two nurses entered the room and the doctor asked Hutch to leave while they completed the morning exam, checked vitals, changed bandages, and replaced IVs. Normally Hutch insisted on staying and he was usually allowed to, but he wanted to call Dobey and give him an update. So he left without argument.

He winced a little as the bright white of the hospital corridor hit his eyes. Starsky’s room was kept intentionally dim and the step into the light always caught him by surprise. He blinked a couple of times, trying to focus as he noticed a figure walking toward him from the elevator. Unwilling to believe his eyes, he blinked again and squinted. By the time his disbelief registered as truth, Kira was already standing in front of him.

“Kira.” He said flatly. He couldn’t have hidden his distaste for her in his voice even if he’d wanted to. He hadn’t seen Kira since Huggy’s that night weeks ago and she was about the last person he wanted to see right now. He wondered how the sight of her could have once been so alluring.

“Hutch,” she replied, genuine sadness in her tone.

“Kira, what are you doing here?”

“I heard what happened. I wanted to come sooner, but I was on assignment. I just got back. I’m so sorry, Hutch.”

“You didn’t have to come.”

“I still care about him, Hutch.”

“Care about him? You betrayed him.”

“So because I wanted to date you both at the same time I don’t care about him? Is that it? Should we talk about who really betrayed him?”

The last thing he needed right now was her harsh words reminding him of the guilt he already carried. At a loss for what he could possibly say to her, he turned away to look at Starsky instead. He could see Kira’s face reflected in the glass behind him as he looked at Starsky’s. It was an eerie reminder of how close he’d come, just weeks ago, to willing Starsky away just so he could have Kira. Now Kira was standing next to him and he could quite possibly lose Starsky forever. The irony made him sick.

When minutes passed without him turning back around, Kira touched his arm. But he didn’t remove his gaze from the window or his thoughts from his mistakes. She spoke to his back, her voice soft, the edge gone. “Hutch, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Believe me, I never meant to hurt either one of you. I was just enjoying you for you, him for him. That’s all. It’s what I told you at the time and it’s the truth. I loved you both.”

“And I told you that wasn’t possible. You were playing us.” But he’d let her convince him otherwise, hadn’t he? Sure he had, because it was easier than admitting he’d been hurting Starsky. Until it wasn’t. And he’d nearly lost everything.

“When you guys left Huggy’s the way you did, that’s when I knew what you two were to each other. I’d missed the bigger picture. That’s when I realized what we had both done. I knew I had to transfer.”

“What bigger picture?”

“I wanted to give you and Starsky a chance to make it right. Did you? Did you make it right, Hutch?”

Hutch felt Kira pull on his sleeve in a silent plea for him to turn around. When he finally did, she grabbed his eyes with hers and said, “I learned a few things from what happened. Did you?”

Oh yes, he had learned from the experience. A lesson he’d never again forget.

“Starsky is the most important person in my life. I won’t let him get hurt again.”

“Hutch, I’m not here to hurt him. Or you. I just thought I should see him in case… “

“In case he dies.” Hutch finished. His eyes fell to the floor, then he closed them in an attempt to hold the burning tears at bay. Once again, the helplessness hit him hard. There was nothing he could do for Starsky right now.

“Hutch. I’m sorry. I didn’t come here to argue. I don’t want to make things worse for you. Forget what I said. I take the blame for what happened. For everything. Can we please just put the past in the past? Let’s start over. How is he, really? I mean, what do the doctors say?”

Without the strength to fight any longer, Hutch conceded. There was really no point in arguing now anyway. It wouldn’t change anything. He met her eyes again, but it was a struggle. “Today, better. Tomorrow?” He shrugged his shoulders. “They just don’t know.”

“Will they let me in to see him?” Kira asked. She was looking in at Starsky now. It was the first time she’d really looked at him and Hutch heard a barely audible gasp when she did. She was just as shocked by how he looked as he had been at first.

“Right now they’re in there checking everything. He’s got a lot of damage, so there’s tubes and machines and bandages. They asked me to leave for a while. I was just about to call Dobey.” Hutch answered.

Kira was quiet for a while before saying softly, “It’s strange to see him so still.”

“It is.” Hutch agreed. “I think it’s one of the things that scares me the most. Starsky is always moving. Even when he sleeps. To see him so still, it just isn’t him. I’ve sat next to him in there for hours and not even seen a twitch.”

“I love that about him, you know? That he’s so vibrant and animated.” Kira said.

“I always think of him as being like a kid at times. I mean, sure, he’s a smart, intelligent, capable cop, best cop I ever met. But there is an innocence about him, an enthusiasm, a little kid in him that loves life, that wonders at the simple things…” Hutch caught himself smiling thinking about how Starsky made him smile. Then he cut his sentence short.

Kira said, “Hutch. It’s okay to talk about him. It’s okay to smile when you think about him. Don’t stop. He’s still here. He’s right there in front of you.”

“I… I… know. It’s just that he might not be. On the way over here this morning I kept thinking of all the times I nearly lost him. And I wasn’t even thinking of how I nearly lost him over you. And that’s one more time. So many times. But I always got him back. I always got him back.” He began shaking his head. “I can’t help thinking maybe this time I won’t. How many times can I expect….?” His voice drifted off. “I even have nightmares about it.”

“He has made it this far, hasn’t he?”

“That’s pretty much what the doctors say, that he’s a fighter. His mother says it is stubbornness, but I’d like to think it is strength. He is the strongest man I know.”

“I think all of you are right.”

“Yeah, well…” He found himself almost smiling again.

“Listen, Hutch. We can’t go in right now anyway. What do you say we go downstairs and get some coffee, maybe some food, huh? My treat. You look like you could use it.”

“Bad, huh?” He said, looking down at himself.

“If I didn’t know who you were, I wouldn’t recognize you.”

Hutch felt oddly comforted by the hand she’d just gently placed on his back and the softness in her voice. He wasn’t sure why he had suddenly opened up to her, but talking to her did actually feel right. He had Dobey and Huggy by his side for days now, but he hadn’t been able to voice in all that time what he’d just expressed to Kira in mere minutes. So he agreed to the coffee, but told her he didn’t think he could eat.

Hutch hadn’t liked elevators lately. For those few seconds, cut off from the sights and sounds of the world, his mind always brought him to painful places. It was no different this time. When the doors slid shut and they started moving downward, he immediately thought of Huggy’s that night, his arms around Starsky, walking out hip to hip, Starsky saying, “Huggy’s right, you know, you are a beautiful blonde.” And how he cuffed Starsky on the back of the head in mock anger.

He tried to pull himself away from the memory. He turned to Kira and said, “Now that I think about it, Starsky and I walked out on you at Huggy’s that night. I guess as angry as I’ve been at you, I never cared that we both dumped you at the same time.”

“So you’ve been angry with me, huh? All this time?”

“With myself, too. And more than a little guilty for my part.”

“Don’t waste any more time being angry Hutch. Or feeling guilty. It is what had to happen to get you to where you are. You and Starsky made up. You walked out of the bar together. You were arm in arm if I remember correctly, and happy.”

The elevator doors opened and they stepped out. As the doors closed behind them something occurred to Hutch. “Kira, back upstairs, you said, ‘I didn’t see the bigger picture.’”

“I didn’t.”

“But what exactly did you mean by that?”

“Hutch, I know what you are to each other. I didn’t when I first started seeing Starsky. How could I? I mean, we were dating. He wanted to date me. Later so did you. But what I don’t understand is why.”

“Because we both liked you, and you were coming on to both of us, why do you think?”

They started walking toward the cafeteria. Kira held her response until the coffees were bought and they were sitting at a somewhat isolated table in the corner. After sipping the coffee in silence for a minute, she finally answered.

“Hutch, I want you to look at me. Really look at me.”

He set his coffee on the table and looked up to meet Kira in the eye.

“Who is Starsky to you?”

“He’s my partner, of course. He’s my best friend.”

“And…?”

“And what?”

“And isn’t there more to it?”

“I don’t know what you mean.” He answered sharply. There was something almost accusatory in her questions.

“Of course you do. You love Starsky,” Kira said. “You love him and you always have.”

“Well, of course I love him. Like I said. He’s my best friend. He’s been my partner for ten years, we’ve been side by side all this time and…”

“That’s not what I’m talking about. Be honest with me. For God’s sake, for once be honest with yourself.”

“I am.” He took a swallow of coffee and looked away.

“Look Hutch, you both chased me for reasons I do not fully understand. You blame me for getting between you, and yes, I did, but only because you let me. Besides, I didn’t know you loved each other. You, Hutch, did know. So did Starsky. So why were you both fighting over me?”

“We don’t… I mean… We both… Kira what are you saying?”

“Hutch didn’t you just tell me upstairs that Starsky is the most important person in your life? Isn’t your worst fear in the world losing him? Have you not spent every waking hour possible here with him? Didn’t you tell me your worst nightmares are of losing him?”

“Of course. Yes. I mean…”

“You’re practically falling apart without him, not eating, not sleeping. Look at you. You are terrified.”

Hutch opened his mouth to protest, but could come up with nothing to say.

“My dear Hutch. You love Starsky. You really love him. And he loves you. I can’t know for sure, but it seems to me that you two were playing with me more than I was playing with you. Neither one of you really wanted me. Competing over me was some sort of show. Bravado, maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, it was one last ditch effort to prove something to each other. I don’t think you consciously knew you were doing it at the time. But you tested the theory and in the end you succeeded in proving it.”

“Proving what?” Hutch asked.

“The bigger picture. That you love each other more than you could ever love anyone else. That you are the most important people in each other’s lives. That no matter what, in the end, you will fight for each other. No one will get in the way. No woman. No one. Isn’t that what you learned, Hutch?”

Hutch was looking down into his coffee cup, finding it easier than looking at Kira. He knew she was right. Deep down he’d always known. She wasn’t surprising him. Starsky wasn’t just his partner. Starsky wasn’t just his best friend. Starsky was his world. Starsky was his life, his breath, his everything. And yes, he was terrified. Because he didn’t know what would happen to him if he lost Starsky.

“Hutch.”

“Yeah.” He answered.

“I asked you if you made it right. You did. You made up. You walked out of Huggy’s together. I saw that. You patched up the holes competing for me tore in your friendship. And your relationship was better than it ever was, am I right?”

Hutch closed his eyes, nodding. It was. They’d gotten back to the way things used to be, like it was in the beginning, before the stress and the job broke them down. They were closer than ever. It’s what made the possibility of losing Starsky all the more painful.

When he finally looked back up she continued.

“Now you need to take the next step. You need to tell him you love him. He loves you, too, Hutch. When I was seeing him, I tried to get him to talk to me about what he wanted, he told me he didn’t expect anything from life. He said, ‘you come into this world with nothing, you leave with nothing.’ But I told him I didn’t believe him, that he wasn’t really so cynical. I think he said it because he thinks he can’t have you. But he can. You need to tell him he can. You need to tell him how you feel and you need to tell him now.”

A long silence passed as Hutch tried to take it all in. Everything Kira had just said made so much sense. Once again he felt the burn of tears and this time he didn’t fight them. A couple made a track down his cheek and Kira leaned over and wiped them away with her thumb.

“I do love him.”

“I know.”