What the Heart Knows

Who would know his partner’s heart better?

Originally published in the SHareCon 2019 zine.

Hutch looked through the window of the ICU room where Starsky was. He closed his eyes and shook his head at the sight of all the machines keeping his partner alive. But his eyes came open again when he heard the alarm monitoring Starsky’s heartbeats shriek in warning.

He stepped back as doctors and nurses rushed into the room to once again work at keeping Starsky on this side of the fine line between life and death. For the second time he saw them go through the routine they had down to a fine art.

And he prayed.

As he had never prayed before.

“Please, God, please. Amen.”

Hutch knew there were better prayers. Longer prayers. Prayers filled with pain and fear. But God had heard all those prayers. Heard every version, every possible version, of them.

So, now it was just, “Please, God, please.”

Captain Dobey appeared at Hutch’s side. “What happened?”

Not taking his eyes off the choreographed ballet of chaos on the other side of the window, Hutch said, “His heart stopped. Again.”

“Hutch… this isn’t the first time…. “

“I know. It’s the second. And there may be a third. The doctor told about the damage. Explained the odds of surviving a gunshot that nicked his heart…. “

Dobey put his hand on Hutch’s shoulder. “It may be time to make a decision, Hutch. Time to let Starsky… “

“No. Not yet. It’s not time yet… Captain.”

“But, Hutch. This isn’t what Starsky would have wanted. Not being kept alive by machines. That’s not living.”

“I know. But, not yet. There’s something… something… more.”

Hutch paused to think about what he was going to say.

“It’s what the heart knows.”

“What are you talking about, son?”

Finally pulling his eyes away from his partner and the flurry of activity surrounding him, Hutch looked at his Captain and said, “My grandfather told me something… when I was a young boy. My favorite horse was sick. I asked him if it was time to call the vet. He said ‘not yet’. And I asked him what that meant, how would we know when it was time to let go and call.

“He told me… ‘It’s what the heart knows, Kenny. What the heart knows.'”

“I’m not sure I understand, Hutch.”

“All I can tell you, Cap’n, is that I have to listen to my heart… And my heart knows it’s not time… not yet.”

With the last word Hutch spoke, the alarms went silent, the flurry of activity stopped, and the staff all looked at the cardiac monitor. The monitor where Starsky’s heartbeat was recorded… in a perfect sinus rhythm and rate.

Hutch saw the doctor and several staff pause, as if to say a quick ‘thank you’ to a Higher Power.

His eyes were drawn to his partner and he saw the barest movement of Starsky’s hand making a fist. His own hand made the same movement without Hutch thinking about it.

Then the doctor came over to talk to Hutch.

“I can’t explain it, Ken. I thought for sure we were losing him. But now… his heartbeat is strong and regular. We turned off the ventilator, and he’s breathing on his own. Something is holding him here. Not letting him go.” The doctor looked at Hutch for a long moment. “I wonder if that ‘something’ is ‘someone‘.”

Hutch smiled as Dobey said, “It’s what the heart knows, Doc.”