You’re in My Heart

Taking refuge in Starsky’s apartment after being soaked by the hospital’s sprinklers, Hutch is surprised by a visitor.

Originally published in the mixed Starsky and Hutch zine, The Lucky and the Strong, in 1993.

Hutch lay on his back and listened to the ticking of the alarm clock. He used to complain about the clock, say that when he spent the night at Starsky’s the ticking would keep him awake. Now he found the noise almost soothing, a lot like the beep of the heart monitor.

He wasn’t even sure why he was in Starsky’s apartment tonight, but he did know that Starsky seemed closer here. Any minute he’d come out of the bathroom and grouch because Hutch had fogged up the mirror or some such nonsense. The truth was Hutch didn’t want to be alone, and in Starsky’s apartment he wasn’t.

He had been feeling so much better earlier. The booze had helped, and he had still had a feeling of euphoria. It had been so good to be with Starsk, the Captain and Huggy. Not one of them had thought it was strange that Hutch was in bed with Starsky. He had been almost able to believe that everything was all right, back to normal. Then the water sprinkler went off, and the fire alarm. Starsky was moved to a new room, and the three visitors were thrown out. The Captain went home to his wife and Huggy went home to whomever, leaving Hutch alone. That had been when he’d decided to come here.

He groaned softly and rolled over. He was so tired. He felt like he hadn’t slept in a month, and he wasn’t sure he’d ever sleep again. Every time he closed his eyes he could see the shooting all over again.

So don’t think about it. Starsky’s voice came from the foot of the bed.

“Great. I’m so tired that now I’m hearing voices.” Hutch pulled the pillow over his head.

The great thing about hearing voices is that you can hear them even when you’re hiding. Starsky’s voice filtered through the covering.

Hutch pulled the pillow off his head. There was no one there. “Am I supposed to believe that you’re in the room?”

You can if you want to.

“Are you?”

No, dummy. I’m in the hospital asleep. Starsky’s laughter was soft.

“Then what are you doing here?”

Dunno. Dreaming, I guess. It’s a nice dream though, Blintz.

“If you’re dreaming, then how come I know what’s going on?”

You know, that’s the problem with you, Hutchinson. You always have to make things complicated. Can’t you just enjoy things for what they are?

Hutch was silent for a long while. “No, I don’t think I can.”

Why?

“Because I’m always suspicious when things are too easy. Like I’m not supposed to enjoy them, or they’ll be taken away.”

Was falling in love with Vanessa easy?

Hutch pulled the covers tighter around his shoulders. “Yeah. I saw this beautiful girl the first day of my sophomore year and wangled a date. By Christmas we were pinned.”

Pinned?

“Yeah, remember I told you I pledged the Theta Taus. They were the classiest and the richest frat on campus. Exactly what a Hutchinson should belong to.” Hutch’s voice was bitter.

And Vanessa knew it, huh? Move over, Hutch. ‘M getting cold.

Hutch automatically moved over, and felt the warmth of Starsky join him in bed, before it struck him that Starsky couldn’t really be there. “Hey, this is just a dream. You can’t be cold.”

Well I am. Snuggle into me.

Even though Hutch knew this was stupid, he snuggled into the warmth and felt an arm go around him. It felt so real he couldn’t resist looking down and was stunned to see Starsky’s wiry forearm encircling his chest. Rolling over quickly, he saw Starsky grinning at him—naked, whole, and healthy.

“Y-you… Where are the bandages?” he stammered.

You were expecting maybe Marley’s ghost? Get back over here and answer the question about Vanessa.

Sighing, Hutch moved into Starsky’s arms. “Yeah, Van knew it was the ‘best.’ That’s why she cultivated me. I fit into her image so well.”

Bitch, Starsky said softly.

“Yeah, well, I was pretty stupid myself. I should have realized.”

Why?

“I told you, when things come too easy there’s always a catch.”

Is that why you’ve been fighting me so hard?

Hutch stiffened. “Huh?”

Hey, relax, Blintz. This is Starsky, not the enemy.

Hutch felt Starsky’s warm hands rub his back. Despite the fact that he kept telling himself that this wasn’t real, he could feel the tension go out of his muscles.

“That feels good. It makes me drowsy.” The minute the words were out of his mouth, the movements ceased. “Hey! Why’d you quit?”

‘Cause. I’m not going to let you wiggle out of talking to me. So if I’m putting you to sleep, I’ll stop.

“Starsk, this is just a dream.” He tried to push into the hands.

Yeah, but whose dream?

“What do you mean by that?”

If it’s my dream, then you’re finally going to talk to me about the past year. If it’s your dream, then I might as well leave. Then I’ll only have to put up with your evasion tactics when I’m awake, not asleep.

It felt to Hutch as if the warmth in the bed was fading. “No! Wait! Don’t go.” His voice rose in panic.

‘M just leaving your dream.

“Let’s talk.” He felt defeated, but he’d do anything not to be alone, at least tonight.

So what did go on this year? Starsky’s hands started to rub his back again.

“I’m not too sure I know. Hey, don’t stop. I’m trying to put it into words.”

Sorry. Take your time.

Hutch was silent for a long while, feeling Starsky’s hands move up and down his back and formulating his thoughts. Finally he spoke.

“‘M not even sure when I realized that what we were doing was pointless. That no matter how we tried, or how many procedures we followed, more and more of our cases were ending up back on the street. I started to feel that if Judge Bronson yelled at me one more time for not following procedure, I’d stick his damn gavel down his throat.”

Why didn’t you say something to me?

“I tried once or twice, but I was never clear in my mind exactly what I wanted to say. And there were still times that we did win.” Hutch lay there mulling over his next thought.

Hey—you still here?

“Look, maybe this isn’t such a good idea. Why don’t you go back to the hospital… Ow!” Starsky’s hand had grabbed his hair and pulled. Hard. “Let go.”

Talk to me, Hutchinson. ‘M not going through another year like this last one.

“Well, neither am I.”

Don’t think you can run away, either. ‘Cause I’ll find you and make you wish you had never thought of leaving me.

Hutch lay there, stunned. “How… how did you know?”

I knew. Talk.

Hutch let his breath out slowly. “Then I was shot. When I was in the hospital, Dobey paired you with Meredith. I was OK with that, even when I found out you were sleeping with her. Then one day when the two of you were visiting me in the hospital, at the end of the visit, you said to her, ‘Come on, partner, let’s go.'”

Shit.

Hutch ignored him and kept talking. “It hurt. It really hurt. All of a sudden I realized that I was nothing special. That you were such a good cop, it didn’t matter who you were paired with. That ‘me and thee’ was a dream.”

Hutch. Starsky’s voice was full of pain.

“No, let me finish. You wanted me to talk. I got a lot of satisfaction out of the fact that I was the one who found the two of you. At least I was still a good cop. My shoulder healed and I was back as your partner.

“But I couldn’t shake the anger. I wanted you to center your entire world around me. And you didn’t. So instead of talking to you, or anyone, about it, I found myself becoming spiteful, and we started playing games.”

Ah, Hutch. Starsky sounded like he was crying. ‘M so sorry. Why didn’t you yell at me, or something?

“Because the truth is, Starsk, I wasn’t mad at you. Deep down inside I knew you had a right to have your own life, your own circle of friends, and your own ways. I was really mad at myself, because I had let myself love you.”

Starsky sighed. And loving me was so bad?

“Yeah, it was. For a lot of reasons. I had already sworn, after Vanessa, that I would never love again.”

But you loved Gillian, didn’t you?

“I did, but loving Gillian was safe. Deep down inside I knew we’d never have a future together. I didn’t think she’d die, but I thought sooner or later we’d break up.”

You mean sooner or later she’d see that Ken Hutchinson was not all he was cracked up to be.

“That too.”

What were the other reasons that loving me was so bad?

Hutch rolled over on his back and stared at the ceiling again. He felt Starsky drape an arm over his chest. “I was starting to realize that I had to get out of police work and I was afraid that if you knew how I felt you’d leave with me.”

‘M going to.

“No. You’re such a good cop. It’s natural to you. You don’t have to save the world, just make it better.”

This may be a moot subject. We don’t know if I can ever go back to the streets.

“Moot?”

With laughter Starsky said, Your superior vocabulary’s rubbin’ off on me. Give me another reason for being scared of lovin’ me.

“I really am a possessive person. When I love someone I don’t want to share.”

Hutch, we’re both possessive of each other. I’ve always handled it. He rubbed Hutch’s chest. Come on, what’s the real reason?

Again Hutch was silent, enjoying Starsky’s touch. He was very aware that if he told the truth, the dream would end and Starsky would go away. And even though it was Hutch’s dream and Starsky would know nothing about it, he would still be ashamed to face his partner in the morning.

Come on. Tell me.

“Because I gradually started to realize that I loved you in ways that had nothing to do with friendship, or partners, or being cops. I wanted you to be my lover.”

Starsky’s hand stopped moving on his chest, and Hutch felt his heart stop.

“Rod Stewart has a song that makes me think of you.” Hutch was amazed that he could still talk. “The chorus goes like this.” Softly he started to sing.

“You’re in my heart, you’re in my soul,
You’ll be my breath should I grow old.
You are my lover, you’re my best friend,
You’re in my soul.”

After he had finished singing, he lay there quietly. He knew his partner was still there because he could feel his warmth, but Starsky said nothing for a long while.

I didn’t know, he said finally.

“You weren’t supposed to.”

Why not?

“So you’d still be my friend.”

I am your friend, and I want to be more.

“I can’t ask you to do that,” he said. This all sounded too easy to him.

You’re not asking. I’m telling you. Now be quiet, and kiss me.

“I can’t. You’re not really here.”

No. Then I guess you won’t feel this. Starsky took Hutch’s face in his hands and kissed him. The kiss started out gentle, just lips pressing, but soon Starsky’s tongue pried open his lips.

For a few seconds Hutch let himself enjoy the kiss, before his Puritan upbringing arose and he stopped. “No, this isn’t right.” He tried to move away.

Relax, Hutch. We’ve already established that this is a dream. What could it hurt to do something we both want?

Hutch stared at the ceiling. “How am I supposed to face you tomorrow?”

Hutch. Starsky’s voice was patient and amused at the same time. Maybe this is my dream and I’ll have to face you tomorrow.

“But what if it’s not.”

Give it a chance, will you? This hasn’t been an easy time for either one of us. You especially. Can’t we just enjoy being together without worrying about tomorrow?

“And if you hate me tomorrow?” Even as he spoke, Hutch wondered why he was arguing. Why couldn’t he relax and do something he’d wanted for a long time?

I’m more likely to hate you if you don’t let me kiss you again, Starsky growled and pulled Hutch to him. Now what? he said in an exasperated voice as Hutch’s shoulders started to shake.

“‘M sorry.” Hutch’s voice was full of laughter. “It’s just that I never thought that you would play the macho stud with me.”

You want to see macho stud? I’ll show you macho stud. He pulled Hutch close and kissed him thoroughly.

The kiss quickly went from playful to passionate. Their tongues battled for dominance as their bodies pushed against each other. Hutch felt Starsky’s hands on his ass, pulling him closer.

“Starsk…” He wasn’t even sure where the strength to talk was coming from. “You feel so good.”

Oh, Hutch… Please touch me. Starsky sounded desperate as he rammed his body against Hutch.

Opening his eyes, Hutch watched the pleasure move across Starsky’s face. He quickly picked up the rhythm, and started to push hard against his lover’s body. Just as he felt he was about to explode, Starsky stopped.

“Starsk?” His voice came out as a whimper.

Shhh… If this is a dream, like we keep saying, then I want to do this right. Starsky was panting, his voice rough.

“Yessss. Let’s do it right.” Hutch wasn’t really sure what he was saying. He just knew he wanted Starsky to start moving again.

Starsky shifted on top of him. His weight felt good to Hutch, like something he had been waiting for for a long time. Slowly Starsky started to kiss Hutch’s face all over. His eyes, his nose, his chin, avoiding his lips.

“Please!” Hutch begged, trying to catch Starsky’s mouth with his.

Starsky just ignored him, moving to kiss his neck. When Hutch hissed a protest and arched into Starsky, his partner chuckled. Like this?

Hutch couldn’t answer. He just moved his head, so that Starsky could have greater access to his throat. Smiling slightly, Starsky moved down and took one of Hutch’s nipples into his mouth. As he licked, he moved his hands down Hutch’s back. The blond was arched against him so tightly that Starsky had no trouble at all reaching his ass.

At the feel of Starsky’s caressing hands, Hutch lost the rest of his reason. “Starsky… Oh, please. Please.” He felt an almost-panic rise in him as he tried to figure out how to rub his cock against his companion but still keep the pressure from Starsky’s hand on his ass.

Do you want me this way, babe? Starsky’s voice was harsh.

“Yes!” At Starsky’s words Hutch relaxed somewhat, until he felt Starsky’s weight lift off him. “Wait! Where are you going?”

Got to get something. I don’t want to hurt you.

“You won’t. This is a dream, remember?”

Oh, yeah. I forgot. Starsky’s weight came back down on top of Hutch.

Slowly they started to kiss again—both men enjoying the need, the passion as it rose. Soon, Hutch wrapped both legs around Starsky’s and pushed hard against him.

Want you, babe. Want to make you scream, make you fly.

With relief, Hutch felt Starsky lift his hips and place his legs high around Starsky’s back. Hutch lifted himself higher and spread his legs as best as he could. Then he felt Starsky’s thumb brush against his opening, and felt the blunt edge of Starsky’s cock push in.

There was no pain, just an incredible feeling of fullness and a need to push hard. Hutch grabbed at Starsky, trying to pull him in completely, until he felt Starsky’s balls resting against his ass.

Starsky moved slowly at first, but as they found their rhythm, he picked up the tempo until he was slamming into Hutch’s body. Hutch felt as though all reason had left him, that all of his senses and emotions were centered at the point in his body where Starsky moved.

Babe… oh, babe.

“David!”

Hutch could feel his toes start to curl, and he knew his orgasm was imminent. He wanted it, but he wanted this feeling to go on forever too.

They came together, both of them screaming each other’s names and words of love, wonder, and desire. Hutch lay on the bed, panting, unsure that he would ever breathe again. He felt Starsky’s cock slide out of his ass, and Starsky’s weight rolled off him.

Suddenly he was so sleepy that he couldn’t stay awake another second. He tried to fight it, but the lure of sleep was too strong.

Sleep, babe. I’ll see you in the morning. Hutch felt lips brush against his temple, and then Starsky was gone. Hutch pulled the covers tighter around himself and drifted off to sleep.

***

It was close to noon when Hutch woke. He lay in bed and tried to think why he felt so good. As he stretched, he could feel the stickiness of his semen on his stomach and the dream came back to him in a rush.

At first he was embarrassed, and thought of a million reasons not to visit his partner in the hospital, but gradually he calmed down and remembered all the parts of his dream, not just the sex. He thought of the love and the honesty that he had shared with Starsky—even if it was a dream Starsky.

He wondered if he would have the courage to tell the flesh-and-blood man of his dream. Suddenly he knew that he could tell him. He wasn’t sure how his partner would react, but knew he would listen without judging. He wouldn’t tell him today, but he would when Starsky came home from the hospital. He needed to take a chance, and not fight it just because the dream had made everything seem so easy.

He quickly got up. He would shower, do the final paperwork on Gunther, and go see Starsky. Starsky would be done with physical therapy and they could spend some time together. Hutch headed toward the bathroom.

***

It was later than he’d planned when Hutch finally got to the hospital. His partner was already asleep when he entered the room. The nurse at the desk had told him that Starsky had had a grueling therapy session and was really wiped out.

Hutch approached the bed quietly, and brushed a curl from the other man’s forehead.

“Where’ve you been?” Starsky’s voice was groggy with sleep.

“Gunther’s lawyer tried to pull a fast one. I had to go to court.” Hutch spoke softly, still stroking the curls. “Go back to sleep.”

“Missed you.”

“Yeah, me too. I’ll talk to you in the morning.”

“‘Kay. Hutch?”

“Yeah, babe?”

“I just wanted to tell you, you’re in my heart.” Starsky rolled over onto his side, effectively trapping Hutch’s hand under his face, and drifted back to sleep.

Hutch stared at him for a long moment and then hooked a chair with his leg and sat to watch his lover sleep.